cordeliavane Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I find it difficult to express myself in english, but here we go. I've had a brief relationship with a friend last year, and after a couple of months of dating we decided to split up. I still care about him a lot but I guess I realized I'm just not that into him. What do you think? Can you still be friends with someone you love, but just you're not in love with? :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Brianna. Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I dated a friend for several years after having been friends for over 3 years. When we broke up he offered to stay friends and it was just impossible. We're to the point now where if we happen to cross paths we are social and it's fine (he gets along with my husband I get along with his girlfriend) but I wouldn't say that we are "friends" anymore - we just happen to have a lot of mutual friends. At the time I was really upset about it but as your life moves forward you'll probably come to find that is a chapter of your life you don't miss nearly as much as you thought you would... to answer your question...Do I think it is possible? Sure. Am I friends with any of my exes? No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrtbrk Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Of course it's possible but it just depends on the people, the length of the relationship, the type of relationship you had... Every relationship/friendship is different so it's really up to the two of you. If you wish to remain friends, but find yourself not ready yet, take more time. If you find you don't miss him, then you have your answer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kute Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I've tried. It was really hard, we both tried to be mature, but it seemed like things were always resurfacing or things were touchy subjects. it was 3 years dating. Known each other for... well since we were 12? and stopped talking for 3 after we broke up. We recently started being friends again- and after 4 months I decided I don't need you in my life anymore. You're not even what I want. Not even as a friend. That was my only time experiencing that. I know its possible.. I dont know of anyone whos stayed friends.... but ive heard of it. Personally I thought I would beat those odds and have this person back in my life, but nah. I guess I just knew what I wanted, and that feels real good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Yeah it's possible, but both people need to feel the same. When one has more feelings than the other is when things fail horribly (just like the relationship itself) whatever those feelings are, if one still feels hurt, or still has romantic feelings for the other then attempting friendship's only going to cause trouble, but if both are ambivalent about the other now then it can work. But at least one can often find they've moved on in more ways than one and they don't really like the other too much any more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaavje Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I really agree with the previous replies. It depends on the relationship you have with the person. I do think it is better to keep a bit of distance at first before you start seeing each other as friends again. Like the other say, both people have to feel the same way about it. My personal experience: I used to be best friends with my ex before we got involved, but after we broke up things got awkward for awhile and we both went really seperate ways. When I see him now I still have the feeling that he finds it awkward to chat with me and it doesn't feel like it used to feel before. I think our relationship did negatively affect our friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cordeliavane Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Thank you all for your replies! My personal experience: I used to be best friends with my ex before we got involved, but after we broke up things got awkward for awhile and we both went really seperate ways. When I see him now I still have the feeling that he finds it awkward to chat with me and it doesn't feel like it used to feel before. I think our relationship did negatively affect our friendship. Yes, that's what I feared... I've never been in this kind of situation before, but I agree with you guys that the kind of relationship we both had and the time spent together will affect (negatively or positively) our chances to straighten things up. I know we can't really do as nothing happened. I realize that time itself is important to put some distance between us and just chill and let things naturally happen. But when you're as close as we were, it's not always that easy. :sad01_anim: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leverhelven Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Huuuuh... I'd say it's possible depending on your relationship, especially how far things went, if you know what I mean. Sometimes an ex-lover can turn into your best friend, but other times, it's just too weird. Especially when one of you move on and find someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 It really is down to time, and the mental make-up of both people. I think there absolutely needs to be a period of time when you don't see each other after a break up. You'd both need time in your own headspace to go through the "getting over it" process, whatever that might entail for the individual person, and however long it took. An ex of mine; we were together for 4 years, we were engaged, we'd bought a house, all very happy families, when we split up I was devastated and it took me a year to completely get over him, but that was 13 years ago and if I ran into him again now I could easily be friends with him again. because I'm just not the same person any more and hopefully neither is he. But you know, something I've learnt from personal experience is that some guys, that one included, can have a hard time understanding that they no longer have any kind of proprietorial rights over any ex of theirs, and can't be trusted to not think it's still ok for them to grab your behind and so on, just because they used to be able to do that... cordeliavane 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaavje Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Yes, that's what I feared... It doesn't mean it will be the same for you though :). cordeliavane 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Yep, either that or they think you're gonna be up for a bit of horizonal action if they've got the urge and you happen to be convenient :rolleyes_anim: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twilight790 Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I believe it is possible, especially if the relationship was casual and/or it was a mutual agreement. However, problems may arise with new significant others thinking it is weird to remain friends with exes. Lots of people are naturally jealous and insecure about that kind of stuff. But there are some circumstances that allow for a friendship to continue. jellysundae 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Oh man, yeah, 100 times over :rolleyes_anim: So tiresome when a new love interest just cannot believe that you're just friends with an ex. Also, massively insulting. If they can't trust you, they are not deserving your time, nope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duskitty Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 It is definitely possible. I've remained friends with both of my exes, though my relationship with one was a little strained for a while. It depends on how the relationship ended, the personalities of both people, and the intentions of both people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aquamentis12 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I find it difficult to express myself in english, but here we go. I've had a brief relationship with a friend last year, and after a couple of months of dating we decided to split up. I still care about him a lot but I guess I realized I'm just not that into him. What do you think? Can you still be friends with someone you love, but just you're not in love with? :( It CAN be a lot of work, and the short-term future is most probably the hardest to get through, but yeah, you can love someone without being IN love with them. As with actual relationships, communication is key. It's important to talk issues out, but also do it in a non-threatening, absolutist manner. Just try to be casual and with some luck, any remaining tension should lessen. Of course, everyone is different, in just about every possible aspect. Basically this is the warning label saying, "results may vary". It's not just love, grace is a good thing to have/employ as well. I don't know where things stand with you and your ex, if this topic is even still open/valid for you. Just, keep your head, and ignore the instinct that may want you to be together IN love again. Stay objective, keep your head when you're around them, and I think it'll be ok, at least on your end. No idea how your ex might sort out their feelings, but if you want to remain friends, definitely talk it over with them. See where you both stand and try to make sure you both are starting from the same page in the new-version of the relationship (even friendships are a kind of relationship). Some would refer to such a thing as "Christian love, yes that's an actual term, though it doesn't mean you must be Christian, OR religious in any way for that matter. People can do as people will do in their relation/friendships. So best of luck to you both! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh_hayashi Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Well, I had that happen to me once. There was this guy in my class in college, and we became friends. Like, really close friends. For the longest time I was in love with him, but we remained just friends for about three years, because he always had a girlfriend, and when he didn't, it would be me who would be dating. So our timing was pretty much horrible. But, for a while, both of us were not dating anyone, and things happened. It was just so natural. We dated for a few months, but then something went wrong and I can't really name it. A few weeks after we broke up, he went back to his ex girlfriend, and I remained in love and very heartbroken. It wasn't easy to keep being friends with him after everything that happened, but we tried our best. After a few months, he told me that, if he would marry anyone someday, it would be he girl he was dating (the ex-ex, the one he went back to after we broke up), because she really was the love of his life. I obviously needed some time to deal with that information, so I took my time to get over it. To get over him, because if he thought he was gonna marry his girl, I had no business being in love with him anymore. So I did. And when I finally made that decision, and when I set my heart to it, I did it. And then me and my friend worked our butts off to be friends again, because we thought our friendship was worth it before we even dated. And we had been through so much together it would be stupid to throw it all away because we tried dating and it didn't work out. So we found a way to remain friends, because neither of us wanted to lose the other's friendship. Now we're not only friends, but we are each other best friends, above all others. And that is what I think. Of course you can go back to being friends, if that's what you really want. But you have to REALLY want it, and you have to be willing to work very hard, and not give up when it seems to hard. It gets harder before it gets better. This post has been edited by a member of staff (Ruto) because of a violation of the forum rules. Please don't swear. The offending word has been edited. Please check your user inbox to see if you have been contacted regarding this incident, then review our rules. Aquamentis12, jellysundae, cordeliavane and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizzyjane101 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Yeah, this has been a thread of really great advice. Basically, yes it is possible if that's what you both want. The absolute most important thing is communication. If you're not on the same page, it hands down will not work. If you're a shy person who is afraid of starting difficult conversations (totally understandable), that's going to have to be something you overcome. I'm having a lot of issues like this with myself and amongst my friends at the moment and honestly the huge difference between the successful ones and the painful, messy ones is communication. I have one friend who is now really close friends with her ex (who she had a very serious relationship with). I have another who decided to be friends, didn't take quite enough time to get over him, and ended up sleeping with the guy. It's an absolute mess right now. But yeah, honesty is the key. And if either of you still have feelings for the other, take some time off. Don't be afraid of sitting down and really getting into your own head. Trust your instincts, if there's something wrong, put the breaks on. Take care of your feelings and stay attuned to how he's feeling. Good luck (y) And let us know how it goes (if you feel comfortable with that). EDIT: I noticed some people are talking about different types of love. This is something I've really struggled with for a long time and really all I can say is make sure you know how you feel before you proceed. It's okay to still love him as a friend, but romantic feelings can get very messy very quickly. jellysundae 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eliang100 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I'm in a happy long term relationship right now but I wish I could still be friends with one of my exes. We were talkative on and off after we broke up but never really super close. It's pretty hard because we have very few mutual friends and we live far from each other after I moved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teeniem55 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think, yes. I have someone who I've been with for 2 years now. Our relationship is over is in the sense of being boyfriend and girlfriend, but we remain close, we also remain lovers, with the understanding that just because we have that physical relationship, we're close enough to realize that a romantic relationship doesn't feed us. We are free to date other people, but still have this close bond. I don't know that will ever go away, but it's what's best for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desertfreak Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Yeah, I've seen it happen, it's like you start dating your best friend and realize it's akward and become best friends again. If they took it hard, i'd say nah but most of the time yes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hidden Oracle Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 It's possible, but I think it's really rare. Most of my friends who have done that remain resentful, and the friendship doesn't really exist anymore. It's fake. Then again most of my friends are in their 20s and I'd say we're all still pretty naive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darnflamingos Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 It's probably possible, but I don't know anyone that is. I've dated friends in the past and none of them are friends anymore. Even if we did mean to stay friends at the time. It just didn't work out that way. I still cross paths with some of them, but they are not my friends anymore. I would not go see a movie with any of them. It would be awkward and I don't think my husband would be comfortable with me going to a movie with an ex lover either. I wouldn't be comfortable with him doing that either. I think most cases where you cross that line, you just never go back. I don't think it's very probable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizzyjane101 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Wow, so many people seem to be saying nay. Relationships are complicated man, regardless as to whether they're romantic or platonic. Honestly, if both of you want to still be friends there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't. It might be awkward at first and it might take time and a lot of awkward conversations, but it's worth it to have someone in your life who you care about and who cares about you. Essentially, I think it comes down to whether or not you think it's worth it. If you're willing to put the work in, go for it. If you think you'd be content with letting that relationship go (which is totally okay btw), then let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Munchies Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I believe it's possible to remain friends after a relationship but will take time. I'm friends with one of my ex boyfriends and it took about a month and a half before we were even talking to each other let alone hanging out and I'm also not friends with many of my exes . But it's also possible not to befriends no matter the intentions, it depends on the relationship and the people. From my experience I've seen a lot of people try and rush back into their friendship with taking little to no time to heal from the break up. It's okay to be friends or not be friends with exes, just take the time to take care of yourself and give them time as well because everybody has different healing times Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duskitty Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I know I've posted here earlier, but I'm gonna drop in to add another comment - if you're finding it hard to maintain the friendship with someone after breaking up with them, it's best to take a break from seeing them/talking to them, in order to give both of you some time alone to heal and reflect on thoughts and the like. Once you feel like you've had enough time apart, try being friends again. If it just doesn't work, it doesn't work, unfortunately. As I said previously, it all depends on the personalities of both parties and their intentions. If someone doesn't want to be friends, it's unfortunate and can be painful, but it's best to respect them and just leave it be. lizzyjane101 and Munchies 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.