firaplays Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I'm not usually so introverted that being around people becomes a problem, but a couple of friends have been over for two days, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. The only time I've had to myself is an hour or two before bed, and I can't even leave my room without waking them up at night. They're leaving tomorrow, so this isn't going to be a problem for much longer, but what do you guys do when you can't get away or ask people to leave? I want to be better prepared in case this happens again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nielo Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I find that having people over for more than a day is simply too much for me, so I tend to avoid making plans that involve this. However, when it can't be avoided, you could always try to excuse yourself. Go for walk, play a video game, read a book. Try to let the people you're with know that while you love spending time with them, you sometimes need to recharge for a bit. There's a really great book about the differences between introverts and extroverts, and while it doesn't necessarily have a lot of practical tips, I thought it was very useful, and definitely an interesting read. Perhaps you've already heard of it. It's called "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I'm very introverted, I couldn't deal with having people stay here D:< I guess I'm "lucky" in that because of my MS this would never happen anyway, my health issues would stop me from being able to play hostess to guests, but I still share your horror at having no means to get away from people. KICK THEM OUT! In all seriousness though, are they aware/understanding of your introversion? You shouldn't need to suffer in silence out of...well, what? Good manners? Fear of offending them? I dunno. It's your mental health that's suffering here. A lot of people don't understand what being introverted means. My mum doesn't. I didn't, not for years. I always described myself as anti-social, my mum throws that back at me now despite me explaining to her that I now realise I'm an introvert and not anti-social at all. But she just can't get her head around the fact that I'm friendly and out-going, but introverted. She definitely seems to think introvert=miserable unfriendly git. No mum, I'm a friendly person, I LOVE spending time with people, but that time spent hugely drains my mental batteries and I need alone time to recharge, it's as simple as that. mistress_mantis, Angeló, midnight_spell360 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistress_mantis Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Other than avoiding such situations? I dunno...lots of toilet breaks? Honestly, the best thing to do is talk to them about your need for alone time. I mean they're your friends, so they should be understanding. 4 hours ago, jellysundae said: A lot of people don't understand what being introverted means. My mum doesn't. I didn't, not for years. I always described myself as anti-social, my mum throws that back at me now despite me explaining to her that I now realise I'm an introvert and not anti-social at all. But she just can't get her head around the fact that I'm friendly and out-going, but introverted. She definitely seems to think introvert=miserable unfriendly git. No mum, I'm a friendly person, I LOVE spending time with people, but that time spent hugely drains my mental batteries and I need alone time to recharge, it's as simple as that. Yeah, being an introvert with an extrovert parent is the worst. They just don't understand that I enjoy spending a lot of time by myself. And my mother thinks it's something I can just get over if I socialize more. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charelan Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Ugh a nightmare, haha! I empathize completely - both in the need to be alone and in having a hard time being frank about it. I don't have much in the way of good advice except to say that perhaps next time you can mention your introversion before your guests arrive. Then if the need to be alone comes up the topic has already been brought up and you won't need to feel bad or explain at any length. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayahtik Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I second Nielo's recommendation of that book, Quiet. It was very interesting. Could be useful for Jelly's mum too--it clarifies the difference between introvertism and shyness/social anxiety, etc. To answer your question, there's probably not much you can do now since they're leaving tomorrow, but for future, maybe try to take extra time for yourself before your guests arrive to sort of give yourself an extra charge, if that makes sense? Maybe talk them into doing activities that don't necessarily require socialization--go to a movie or museum, where you won't be expected to actually interact with them constantly. And of course, as everyone else has suggested, just let them know the situation! My life has majorly improved since I started being more honest about the level of my social energy, and started telling my friends when I really just didn't feel up to doing something. It's kind of a hard transition at first if they're used to you always agreeing to everything and are unaware of your limits, but they'll adjust eventually! Nielo, midnight_spell360, jellysundae and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hriven Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 8 hours ago, firaplays said: I'm not usually so introverted that being around people becomes a problem, but a couple of friends have been over for two days, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. The only time I've had to myself is an hour or two before bed, and I can't even leave my room without waking them up at night. They're leaving tomorrow, so this isn't going to be a problem for much longer, but what do you guys do when you can't get away or ask people to leave? I want to be better prepared in case this happens again. I go to my room and say that I'm studying/working, and make like I'm listening to music, or go for a walk listening music, just kinda run away a little bit lol, or I start drawing, you know activities that Imply leaving you alone, I usually don't have that trouble since all of my family are introverts, but for birthday and such, I just scape a little Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 2 hours ago, mistress_mantis said: And my mother thinks it's something I can just get over if I socialize more. Lol...that though, that's just the parental "they'll grow out of it" thing, isn't it. That particular umbrella covers SO many things that are genuine personality traits that parents label as "a phase" because they don't understand them, simply because it's not the same as them. 1 hour ago, kayahtik said: And of course, as everyone else has suggested, just let them know the situation! My life has majorly improved since I started being more honest about the level of my social energy, and started telling my friends when I really just didn't feel up to doing something. It's kind of a hard transition at first if they're used to you always agreeing to everything and are unaware of your limits, but they'll adjust eventually! We set ourselves up for these problems by being reluctant to speak up for ourselves, don't we. Plus friends have a bad habit of not taking no for an answer, "come on, you'll enjoy it once you're out", and other well-meant cajoling until you give in and end up doing what they want. The average friend who does that probably thinks they're doing the other person a favour; that they genuinely want talking into doing whatever it is. *shrugs* If a person is truly your friend, they'll respect your need for alone time, even if they don't really understand it. If they don't respect it then they don't deserve your friendship. @firaplays think how delicious it's going to feel once your friends have gone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babayaga67 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 I had an unwelcome guest. He had only been over at my house while he was "passing through town" once before. He visited my husband out in the garage, and then didn't leave. My husband works from home, and the garage is his office. The visitor stayed out in the garage for almost two weeks before he had to leave for some random reason. Last month he was going to be "passing through town" again. I told my husband that he could hang out, but that he was not sleeping here, or staying for more than 15 hours straight. I didn't care if he had to sleep in his car, he was not welcome to stay here. My husband agreed. Neither of us were happy with how things turned out last time. My husband explained the situation, and visitor agreed not to actually stay at my house. I knew that he would be hanging around for a bit, because while he had been out of town, his room mate had starved his dog and she had died. I get that he wouldn't want to go back to that, but that did not mean that he was moving into my house. Unfortunately, the visitor didn't actually care about out house rules, and came up with one excuse after another to stay and sleep in my garage. I did not have much contact with the visitor, but my husband kept leaving this guy out there because "his car couldn't make the trip," or "I am really tired and can't stay out there right now." I was almost seven months pregnant at the time, and the only chances I had to see my man were when he came inside to sleep. I hit the end of my rope after almost three weeks of not getting to spend time with my family, and having some person that I don't actually know in my home. I went out there when my husband came back inside one day, and told him that he needed to leave. I pulled the crazy prego lady card, and told him to get out until my husband had had a break. It took him almost five minutes to get up off of the couch, because he was "tired," and I "needed to give him a minute." He finally did pick himself up off of the couch and started gathering his things, all the while spouting non sense about how he "is independently wealthy," and that I "think that he's some homeless bum, but he has his own house up in the mountains," and blah blah blah. You know how self righteous people get when they are offended. I would have let all of that go, but them he opened his bag, pulled out a gun, popped the clip out and back in. I was alone with him, and while he did not point the gun at me, or threaten me verbally, he was very angry and he did it to try to send me a message. I have been around guns all of my life, so I am very desensitized to them. Plus, he was acting so childish that I couldn't take him seriously at that point. It is my house, and he had no right to be there, gun or no gun. What made me angry was that he had brought a gun into my house, around my kids, and he didn't tell either my husband or myself. The 'guest' has stopped by a few times since then, twice without any warning. He is no longer allowed on the property, I have told my husband that if I find him here I am calling the cops, and that I will press charges for trespassing. The visitor does not seem to understand, and has tried to speak with me a few times since then because he thinks that I'll just get over it. I don't like to hold grudges, and I know that it isn't good for you, but I don't forgive people for endangering my family. I also happen to strongly believe in the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I don't do guests very well to begin with. People like that jerk ruin it for everyone else. Sorry for the rant. Thank you for reading. Enjoy that AC XII! jellysundae 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 @babayaga67 That's a horrifying tale. Once people like that latch onto you they're close to impossible to get rid of. : / He's gonna know he's not welcome, but he quite seriously will not care that you don't want him in your home. I think people with that mentality rely on the fact that most people are decent, and too polite to literally kick them out on their ass, so they spend their lives taking advantage of this, it's disgusting. babayaga67 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babayaga67 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 @jellysundae I am pregnant, I have crazy hormones, I don't have to be polite just to be polite. If you try to walk over me, I'll knock your butt over and stomp on your face. The only reason that it took so long for me to give him the boot is because he wasn't my guest but my husband's. I don't want to tell my husband who he can and can not hang out with. That just doesn't seem fair. I have had the unfortunate pleasure to meet several people like this in my life. It is a much more commonplace attitude than you might realize. I don't approve of guests at all anymore. I have never had guests of my own stay, but my husband has had a few here and there. I made my own mother stay at a hotel when she came into town for just two days and one night. My home is for me and my kids. You wanna visit for a couple of hours? Okay. Overnight? No. I can't handle that. jellysundae 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Does your husband actually like the guy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babayaga67 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 @jellysundae Not anymore. The guy kept re-arranging all of my husbands stuff. My husband might be messy, but at least he can find the stuff that he needs. He is also pissed about the guy pulling out a gun while I was out there. My husband wasn't raised in south Texas, so playing with a gun in front of his wife is not something that he is okay with. My husband has had to meet up with the other guy a few times because of business, but Mr. Jerk just waits in the alley behind our house. Mr. Jerk is not even allowed on my front porch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 Let's hope he continues to respect your wishes...undoubtedly he's got other people that he leeches off of instead... Maybe he'll leave the area! Here's to wishful thinking! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babayaga67 Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 He lives in a trailer about thirteen hours away on the other side of the mountains. He also has people in other states that he stays with from time to time. I would blame his parents (I'll beat the crap out of my kids if they try that kind of crap when they grow up), but I don't know his background, so I won't judge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayahtik Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 7 hours ago, jellysundae said: We set ourselves up for these problems by being reluctant to speak up for ourselves, don't we. Plus friends have a bad habit of not taking no for an answer, "come on, you'll enjoy it once you're out", and other well-meant cajoling until you give in and end up doing what they want. The average friend who does that probably thinks they're doing the other person a favour; that they genuinely want talking into doing whatever it is. Yes, exactly this. That's why you have to train your friends During high school I could always use my parents as a convenient excuse not to do anything and just tell people they said I couldn't. But once I moved out and went to college I had to learn to be more firm about that kind of thing since I didn't have an easy excuse anymore. It was hard at first, but my friends have gotten used to it, and they don't pester me like they used to. I read this article recently that was interesting. It offers some useful tips if you're new at putting your foot down!: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/smarter-living/why-you-should-learn-to-say-no-more-often.html jellysundae 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firaplays Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 @babayaga67whoa, that's intense! I'm glad you weren't hurt! I really hope he stops bothering you, that's so messed up. Thanks for the advice, guys. They're gone now, everything is so much better XD I feel bad for even saying that, the reason they were here for so long is because I'm moving and this was potentially the last time I'll see them for a good long time, if not forever. I was really hoping I could just suck it up and deal with socializing for that long. I guess I know not to do that again. jellysundae 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicolelouise Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I read this thread this morning as I was eating my breakfast. I am a friendly introvert who enjoys people but needs time to myself to recharge. I have some very strong feelings on the subject of those friends and relatives who try and talk you into doing things you don't want to do because they think it's for your benefit. I am so totally against this and I read these characters in books all the time and get very incensed when I do. I am not a child. I am not mentally incompetent. I am a self-determining individual. If I make a choice, that is MY CHOICE! It is valid. It is allowed. And IT IS MINE! That is important: my choice being a valid and completely allowable choice, even if it's in direct conflict with other people's desires and wishes in the situation. What gives those people the right to try and invalidate my choices and enforce their will over my life? Who died and made them god? Since when are their choices about what I should do more important than my own choices? It is bullying, plain and simple. When someone is expressing their personal preference in a situation and making a choice that doesn't happen to align with what the other party would have them do, to disregard those preferences and choices is disrespectful and wrong. (I have to qualify this statement by saying that if my choices are impinging on the rights and freedoms of others, then this is a different matter and my rights don't trump other people's rights.) And yet we see it all the time. Sometimes it's even glorified on the big and small screen and in books. Girl A is upset over losing her boyfriend of two years. By three weeks later, best friend has had enough of the moping and insists that Girl A go out drinking with her. "You need to let loose a little!" Please. As if that's the answer to anything in life! But the best friend will not respect her friend's feelings and wishes because they are impinging on her own wishes and desires. Things tend to go one of two ways in the stories. Either Girl A has a wonderful time and meets the new love of her life and we're all supposed to be happy that best friend was so pushy OR it all goes disastrously and really bad things happen. Sometimes it might be parents, wanting their grown children to get married or have grandchildren or follow a certain profession. Or even just 'go out and socialise more'. Parents' preferences ranking over adult child's preferences. It's like insisting I eat olives because you happen to like olives. NO! That's messed up. Now, sometimes we see friends or family doing things that we think are destructive or damaging. This doesn't mean we can't talk to them about it and try to get them to see our point of view. But we can't just ride roughshod over their thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, we have to respect their choices and decisions, even if we disagree with them. Sorry, I'll get off my soap box now and I hope I've not upset anyone. I actually came on here to say that I was watching a TED talk on procrastination and saw a link to a TED talk given by the author of the book mentioned above. Hope this is useful. life_eclectic, deboratibi, kayahtik and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 6 hours ago, nicolelouise said: Now, sometimes we see friends or family doing things that we think are destructive or damaging. This doesn't mean we can't talk to them about it and try to get them to see our point of view. But we can't just ride roughshod over their thoughts and feelings. Ultimately, we have to respect their choices and decisions, even if we disagree with them. You said a LOT of things that I completely agree with, but OMG this... Wouldn't it be just GREAT if all the people in the world could understand just two simple things: A. Your opinion on something is just that, an OPINION, it isn't a commandment and no-one is duty-bound to do something just because you think they should. and B. Your OPINION isn't necessarily right just because YOU think it is... Parents in particular can be TERRIBLE with regard to this. That's something else that's portrayed all the time in books and films, isn't it...parents laying down the law...you WILL do as I say etc. To adult kids too, as @nicolelouisesays. So many parents just aren't able to treat their children as individuals, they treat them almost like a possession for their whole lives, never understood that. life_eclectic 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midnight_spell360 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 19 hours ago, babayaga67 said: I would have let all of that go, but them he opened his bag, pulled out a gun, popped the clip out and back in. I was alone with him, and while he did not point the gun at me, or threaten me verbally, he was very angry and he did it to try to send me a message. @babayaga67 I read this and almost lost it! I AM from Texas and you don't ever need someone like that to be 1000 feet near you and your kids ever for ANY reason. I am totally serious, go to the Police Station and fill out a Restraining Order on Mr. Jerk to have on file in case Mr. Jerk comes by and brings his gun again. Your safety and your family safety comes FIRST and being nice & polite & not telling your husband who he can hang out with went OUT the window the minute he pulled that gun out. Please let us know that you did this so I can sleep at night again. life_eclectic 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babayaga67 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 @midnight_spell360 The guy is a giant man child. I know that he would not have pointed the gun at me. He only has it for show. I was way too mad at the time to play into his tough guy act. We both knew that he wouldn't actually shoot me. I was way more upset about it after the fact because I didn't know that my husband didn't even know. We have guns, but we keep them locked up so that my kids don't kill themselves (they are 1 and 3 year olds). I don't know anything about the guy except his first name, so it's a little hard to get a restraining order. We do have an extensive camera system covering all of our property, and a police station less than four blocks away. I am not worried about our safety. I didn't mean to freak people out, sorry. My husband told him that he has burned this bridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
life_eclectic Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Edit: I didn't see some of the other messages at first. Just wanted to say @babayaga67, glad to know you are safe. @firaplays - I am very introverted, but I have never lived alone and have always lived in a small place with at least one other person. Now I live with my sister and although she is introverted and will want time to herself sometimes, she also has separation anxiety (I know, a bit ironic) and so a lot of times I will stay out in the living room later than I usually would, but if I feel overwhelmed I will get caught up with playing games online, or start day dreaming, however I also have to keep an open ear because she has trouble handling when I miss things she says. The thing is we both have some social issues (I'm not talking about being introverted), but she has more, so I have learned to find my ways to better handle the situation. To be clear, I have told my sister it is important for me to get some time to myself for more than just the couple of hours it takes for me to settle into bed, so she understands that and I do go in my room early a couple times a week. To a degree I also consider alone time to be when I'm driving in my car and (more so) when I'm walking on the beach. Fortunately the beach I go to is a bit secluded and the people who are around mainly keep to themselves, so I'm free to be alone with my thoughts and enjoy the beauty of the area. One thing we both have trouble with is people coming over unannounced. We like to be prepared and if people do visit for them to only stay for the day, or preferably, for us to go to a restaurant or to their home to eat and talk. That way we have more control of when we want to be on our own and when we want to spend time with people. It also feels less socially hectic than going to a club or bar. There are also places like amusement parks that are just fun and don't feel hectic to us, even though there is usually a lot of people, but of course that isn't always an option in regards to time and/or money. Anyway, we never have people stay over, so I really don't know how to tell someone you could use some time when they are already there. I realize it can get more complicated, but I would hope usually they would eventually say something about heading home and I would be relieved. Sorry I'm not much help for that situation. As for someone asking to stay, I would tell the person I appreciate visiting them, but I'm really not in the position to have company stay over. I would suggest something like what I mentioned above (about them coming over for a little bit, or going out to eat). As has been said, it's not fair to expect someone to do something that makes them uncomfortable when it is not hurting the other person. For instance, most people can find another place to stay while they are in town visiting a friend. That's all I can really think to say about the subject. Best to you and take care! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deboratibi Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 I think everyone gave some pretty good answers, but this topic reminded me of a funny superstitious-type thing we have in Brazil that I wanted to share: when you have unwanted guests in your house or if guests are staying for too long, take a broom and put it upside down behind the front door. This supposedly should make them leave, lol. In all seriousness though, as an introvert who also suffers from social anxiety, I never invite anyone over, so I'm rarely in this situation. Whenever there are guests here at my house, they're not my guests, so I feel free to not give them attention and whatnot and I don't feel guilty about it, nor do I care what they'll think of me. Which is odd, because I usually do care what others think of me, but for some reason it's a bit different when I'm in my territory, I guess Delshnya, Angeló and midnight_spell360 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jellysundae Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 7 hours ago, deboratibi said: I think everyone gave some pretty good answers, but this topic reminded me of a funny superstitious-type thing we have in Brazil that I wanted to share: when you have unwanted guests in your house or if guests are staying for too long, take a broom and put it upside down behind the front door. This supposedly should make them leave, lol. I like that! Sweep those guests out of the door! I think you're right about it being a territory thing there, I've not been in that situation, but I'm pretty sure I'd be indifferent about someone else's guests. Unless they started making their presence felt too much! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AzrielB Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Personally speaking - Because I have a seven-year-old nephew and a three-year-old niece that I live with while I work on college - I avoid being around most people. But, for the situations I can't avoid, I try to grin and bear it and stealthily distract them with another person. I don't know if this is what is proper - and it sure drains me a lot until I can load them off on someone else - but this is what I typically do. Then again, my parents were introverts like me so I haven't really had the opportunity to socialize much. Nielo 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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