Psmucker3 Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 hey guys. so lately I have been experiencing so many ups and downs and unfortunately right now I am in a bit of a slump. Last year at this time I was hanging out with my long time crush, who just happened to be my ex's best friend. gasp, I know, crumby of me, but I really had feelings for this guy and my ex and I had been broken up for awhile at the time. Anyways, the guy (Gray) ended up being a huge player, which I already knew in the back of my mind, but I still REALLY like him. We were on and off for awhile, but now he has a gf but he has cheated on her. Also, I had an equally huge crush on an older guy that would come into my work. He is really successful and has a great personality. I hadn't seen him for almost two years when last week I ran into him and his GF downtown. I didn't say hi, I was too shocked. I could feel him staring at me though and he glanced back multiple times to check me out. He had also offered to cheat on his gf with me awhile ago but I felt too scummy. I texted him a smiley face a few ago later and he never replied. I feel so stupid. Now, I feel as if I have no one. A lot of guys are interested in talking to me, but I push them away because I feel like I will never be satisfied until I get either of these two men. I also feel pretty scummy about myself. It stinks. I really try to stay level headed through it all and focus on myself. But at the same time, the voice inside me is telling me to just take a chance and do it. Text them, tell them how you really feel. What's the worst that could happen? But then again, John (the older guy) didn't even reply to me when I did try to reach out to him. And gray seems pretty content with his girlfriend. Do I have a problem? I'm so lost. People will try to tell me that I will get over it eventually, but these feelings have been harboring for years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panthersclaw Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 If it's okay to be honest, I do think you have a problem, but that doesn't necessary mean it's a bad thing. Everyone has problems sometimes especially when they are dealing with crushes and dating. I think that it would be best not to continue pursuing these guys as neither one seems to be good for you. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself just because these guys are crummy and you have a crush on them. Any guy who would willingly cheat on their girlfriend and guys who are players are bad news since they don't seem to have any respect for the women they are with. What I would suggest is take time to be by yourself for a while, take care of yourself, hang out with friends/family, relax, and think honestly to yourself: "will I truly be happy with either of them?" If the answer is no, then I would try to move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faerie1811 Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I think you should feel proud of yourself for resisting the temptations of being with men who are already dating others, especially when you like them. Like Panthersclaw said, take care of yourself first, worry about relationships later. The better the opinion you have about yourself, the better the opinion others should have of you (hopefully meaning you will attract the attention of men who are good for you). Relationships can be extremely difficult to figure out but asking for help/advice instead of just grasping at straws shows that you are being serious about the situation. I hope this helps, even if only a little. Best of luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pulpfreeoj Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Everything's been said that I would have said. Remember that YOU DESERVE a relationship with someone who's going to be faithful and good to you, and unfortunately it seems as though both of these men have proven their quality to you- or rather, lack thereof, because once unfaithful, it's highly HIGHLY likely they'll do it again. charelan 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Musical_Shoyru Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 The first thing that you do before getting into any relationship is to take care of yourself. Make sure you're on the right track, make sure you're getting in the relationship for the right reasons, and make sure it's what you actually want. Second I would STRONGLY suggest laying off relationships for awhile. It sounds like you've been hurt and are confused about what to do with the feelings you get for people who aren't single; which can happen to the best of us. I do believe it's something to work on, don't take that wrongly. I know none of us are perfect and we all have things we need to work on. Also, I would think about this; if a guy is willing to cheat on his current girlfriend with you, what's to stop him from cheating with another girl when he's in a relationship with you? People who have already cheated show the obvious capability to cheat on someone, and is that really someone you want to be with? I personally would not want to go through the pain, drama and heartache of being cheated on, let alone increase the possibility of that happening. I personally think you just need a friend to talk to and help you. It's obvious that it's something that hurts you and bothers you and harboring it and not talking about it is a horrible thing to put yourself under. It can make you emotionally scarred and cautious about being in new and better relationships. You'll always second guess yourself and the person you're with even if you're in the best relationship you could be in. If you ever need anyone to listen or talk to you can just message me here if you like. I hope things start going better for you. rntracy1, charelan and Psmucker3 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alsebra Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 As a guy myself, I don't think I could be with a female that was pursuing me that hard (personal preference). Also, the one guy is willing to cheat on his girlfriend should send up red flags...I'd be willing to bet that he'd do the same thing to you. You can show your interest in the guys, but I'd suggest holding off on doing anything with anyone that is attached.As it stands, I'm not going anywhere...just celebrated my 4th anniversary with my soul mate. We met at a concert and (as cliche as it sounds) we fell in love at first sight. S_A 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lakecat Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I'm a guy, and I tend to agree with what others have just said. Please don't think of what I'm about to say as judging or criticizing you. Consider it an observation from someone who doesn't know the whole you and is based on just a few sentences you've written about yourself. I noticed a few things: I have been experiencing so many ups and downs and unfortunately right now I am in a bit of a slump Do you mean, your relationship life is in a slump first, or your other life has ups and downs first, leading to the relationship slump? I wonder, do you seek out new relationships as a way to distract from your "regular" life (school or work and friends etc.)? Or do the new relationships cause you to feel your whole life is in a slump? Also, is there a common thread or trait to the guys you have always been most interested in? Or do you date a variety of personalities? Some people seek out types who they think are the most "exciting" or "risky" to them. Is that what you are unconsciously doing now, going after short term excitement, maybe even risking rejection for the thrill of the moment? Do "safe" or "predictable" guys bore you, and if so, why? What was your longest relationship like, and why did it end? Did you end it or did he? Do you want a long relationship or a short term one at this time? A lot of guys are interested in talking to me, but I push them away because I feel like I will never be satisfied until I get either of these two men Why are you more interested in these two instead of the others ("a lot of guys")? Remember, I'm not judging. You're brave to be open about all of this. To me, it sounds like you crave the excitement of a new relationship, which could have a hormonal reason, like a powerful drug. If so, you are not alone. Many people have this problem. The question is, is it a physical cause (brain chemistry) or an emotional one (something from your past)? Are you a thrill seeker in other ways too? Do you like taking risks in other activities (fast cars, partying, food binges, shopping sprees, etc.) charelan, Rune Valentine, Musical_Shoyru and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mouseykins Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Now what I'm about to say may seem harsh, but please don't take it the wrong way. :) Honestly I used to be like you when I was in high school. I had these ridiculous crushes on guys that were no good for me and would pursue them if they were single and kept dropping hints. With a few I never got anywhere. Looking back now it was so dumb of me to act so childish. When I finally "grew up" and got my act together I changed. I didn't go searching for anyone and just went about my daily life. When I wasn't even looking I became great friends with a terrific guy, who I'm now married to and we have two children together. My advice to you is to simply "grow up" get your act together and figure out what you want from life and nevermind these boys that are obviously bad news and trouble. If you keep going like this you're just going to keep tearing yourself apart and it's not worth it. A rule of thumb I always follow is once a cheater always a cheater, because even if the individual stays loyal you'll always have that feeling in the back of your mind. If a guy is making you feel wrong and giving you a weird vibe, he's not for you. In order to have a successful relationship you need to be completely comfortable and not worry about things like "will he cheat on me". If you would like some companionship from these other guys talking to you, I'd suggest something small. Start with a coffee date or something and see if you have anything in common or worth getting to know each other better. :) Sorry if my advice sounds harsh, but sometimes we need to hear the harsh stuff. I wish you all the best! :) S_A, Musical_Shoyru, Aquamentis12 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charelan Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Wow. There is some really great advice here! I don't have much to add except to say that I think you should try to avoid these men altogether wherever possible. Obviously you have no control over who you see at work, but otherwise limit contact. You WILL get over this with time, and the less you see these people the easier it will be. The other thing is how well do you know these men? Especially the older guy - it sounds like someone you don't know well. To me that makes it sound more like you are in love with the idea you have in your head about him. Perhaps I'm wrong, but if this is the case and you can accept it, just keep it in the back of your mind and it might help you see through the situation more clearly and not let them get the best of you. Musical_Shoyru 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonderlust Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 basically everything I was going to say has already been said. I'll add a few other perspectives that's helped me through my times, though it was quite some time ago. Ask yourself this: If a new boy moved into town and he was exactly like either of these men, would you still want them? You must always take care of #1 first and foremost. If you aren't around or are not healthy, you'll never be able to fully be there and care for anyone else. Like a significant other or children. I wish you the best and hope you find peace within yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Psmucker3 Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 thanks so much all. I think I have my answers, it is now just matter of accepting the facts for myself. keep on keeping on. xx lakecat and Musical_Shoyru 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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