I need some advice about cyberbullying

[firaplays]

A friend of mine is getting pretty aggressively cyberbullied and I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything I CAN do other than tell her I'm there for her. Does anyone have any experience with this? She lives in another country, so I can't even see her in person and give her a hug.

[babayaga67]

Most websites have policies against cyber bullying. If your friend were to report the jerk (or you can do it), then they would most likely be blocked from using that website. It might take a few days, but people take bullying very serious so I am sure that it would be resolved.

[Nielo]

Does she know the people who bully her personally? Or are they people she only communicates with online? It might be more difficult/complicated if the bullying is done by people she knows in RL. Depending on which site/platform it happens on, perhaps she could block the offending accounts, and if it happens on a forum/online community, she could involve the administrators/moderators. I guess a lot of it depends on the situation.

While I'm a firm believer of punishing the bullies, not the victim, if there's no clear solution, she could always try to leave the site/community where the bullying happens. Again, it depends on the situation, but it would obviously be better if the bullies were banned from getting in touch with her.

As for what you can do, I think it's mostly important to just support her, and remind her that not all people online are ignorant, cruel bullies. Send her kind/funny messages at random times. Remind her that's she's awesome, and to ignore the idiots that tell her otherwise.

[firaplays]

The problem with reporting is it's a TON of people doing it. I've reported a lot of stuff, but it hasn't really helped. And as far as I know, it's not anyone she knows personally. It's going on in an online community we were both a part of (she recently quit, which I think was a good move). People were going at her by private message, and she did block people, but they were also making pages and even entire fandub projects dedicated to stealing her work (she sings covers) and making fun of her. People found her facebook and were posting her real pictures onto the bullying pages for a while. I don't know if that's still going on. I reported it, but the website we're on doesn't really seem to have moderators or anything. We're using vk, which is like European facebook. They have an anti-bullying policy, but I've never actually seen it enforced. She's afraid to post her covers to youtube anymore because she thinks they're going to get stolen and used against her, and I hate to say it, but she's probably right. The whole situation is just so heartbreaking. I've tried talking to the people who are running the more extreme projects, but they think it's all in good fun and I couldn't convince them otherwise.

I guess I'll just have to make sure I stay on top of supporting her. I'm the kind of person who routinely goes off the radar for a while, so I'm going to have to try and change that habit. I really want to be there for her during all of this.

[deboratibi]

I don't have a lot of experience with cyberbullying in particular, but I do have plenty experience with bullying in general, and I've learned (WAY too late, unfortunately) that a great way of dealing with this is making fun of yourself. Of course, this doesn't work for every person, nor in every situation. And it's a lot easier said than done, but you can just fake it until you make it. Making fun of yourself is a sign of confidence, and that makes you a little less interesting in the eyes of bullies. Bullies think it's funny when someone has a breakdown, when they ask to be left alone, when they can't take it anymore and abandon their projects... But for example, when bullies comment something like "you're a terrible singer" and you respond with "you should hear the unedited version, it's even worse! lol", it's not very satisfying for them.

But if your friend is too badly affected by all this, then it's probably best to stay away from the exposure, at least until she can build up some more confidence to come back (if she decides she wants to). Just keep supporting her for now, and remind her that she didn't deserve any of this, these things only happen because some people have too much time on their hands and too little empathy.

[Nielo]

12 hours ago, firaplays said:

The problem with reporting is it's a TON of people doing it. I've reported a lot of stuff, but it hasn't really helped. And as far as I know, it's not anyone she knows personally. It's going on in an online community we were both a part of (she recently quit, which I think was a good move). People were going at her by private message, and she did block people, but they were also making pages and even entire fandub projects dedicated to stealing her work (she sings covers) and making fun of her. People found her facebook and were posting her real pictures onto the bullying pages for a while. I don't know if that's still going on. I reported it, but the website we're on doesn't really seem to have moderators or anything. We're using vk, which is like European facebook. They have an anti-bullying policy, but I've never actually seen it enforced. She's afraid to post her covers to youtube anymore because she thinks they're going to get stolen and used against her, and I hate to say it, but she's probably right. The whole situation is just so heartbreaking. I've tried talking to the people who are running the more extreme projects, but they think it's all in good fun and I couldn't convince them otherwise.

I guess I'll just have to make sure I stay on top of supporting her. I'm the kind of person who routinely goes off the radar for a while, so I'm going to have to try and change that habit. I really want to be there for her during all of this.

I agree with what deboratibi said. Both making fun of yourself and completely ignoring the bullies are good strategies. Bullies (somehow) get satisfaction out of rattling someone.

I'd never actually heard of vk (despite being European myself, but it looks like it's a Russian site, and is mostly popular in Eastern Europe), so there's not much I can say about it, but if they don't even enforce their anti-bullying policy, it might not be the best place to hang out.

The problem with posting stuff to YouTube, is that you're pretty much handing your videos to the world, and there's not much you can do to stop people from using them. Not having your videos stolen/used is difficult for even professional artists/networks. She could try setting her YouTube account/videos to private (I think that's still a thing? I haven't really posted any videos in... a long time), but if she's posting her videos I'm assuming she wants other people to see them, so that might not be the best option.

I think one of the best things, but also one of the most difficult things, for her to do, would be to completely ignore everything the bullies do. Whether it's stealing her videos, posting her pictures somewhere, making fun of her, or messaging her directly. The bullies want to know they're affecting her. Not giving them that satisfaction might make them get bored with her as a target. Again, this would probably be really difficult for her, because not responding to people who post your pictures to actual bullying pages (I hate that that's even a thing) is going to be hard, stressful and take up a lot of energy. It's also important to limit the bullies' access to personal information. She should try (if she hasn't already done so) to try to keep her email address/other personal information private.

Maybe (both of) you could try to find a different online community, one that wouldn't make fun of her and steal her videos. This would probably take some time (you'd want to spend some time with the community first, to see what they're like), but finding a place where the people are supportive, instead of bullies, might help (re-)build her confidence.

[ladycanary]

If I was her I would take a temporary (or permanent) break from any of the sites she is being harassed on. Staying away from the internet has a lot of benefits, especially in this situation. If these bullies see no account activity, they'll eventually become bored and go pick on someone else. If the two of you are strictly online friends, I would suggest interacting through something like Skype instead of social media. Have her make new accounts if needed and don't let anyone in on it except her close friends. She should also wait to post any videos/pictures until this whole thing passes. If she simply cannot live without the internet, like other posters said, ignoring is the strongest defense against bullies. They thrive off attention, and if you don't give it to them, the "fun" stops and they disperse. Best of luck to you and your friend. :)

[firaplays]

Thanks for your advice, everyone. My biggest goal right now is to convince her to stay off the website if she decides to go back. We only communicate directly via facebook now, so at least the stuff we talk about can be kept private. I ended up leaving vk myself, too. It was really tough finding out the real extent of what was happening to her. People who I thought were my friends are really involved in making her life miserable, and it's left me with some minor trust issues. I don't like cutting people out of my life, but if they're spending so much time and energy mocking someone else, especially someone I'm friends with, I don't want to be involved with them anymore. Heh, I wonder if I made this thread because I want to help or because I needed help processing everything. Maybe both.

[PaintBrushedDreams]

If she is under 18 and on FB you should be able to report it and hopefully have something done about it. FB tends to protect children more than adults. I went through a bout of Cyberbulling a few weeks ago because I commented on a friends post, wasn't even political or religious, just my opinion. And a guy I had never met yelled at me (though he did not respond directly to me) and even though I never responded to him he screenshot what I said and posted it on his page along with a huge rant and encouraged his friends to do the same. They made fun of me and when I asked if they would please remove it, they refused to and even threatened violence against me...my original comment was not even that important. I reported it to FB many times, as did my friends, but they refused to do anything about it, even the threat of violence.

Went to another website to ask what to do in the case of cyberbullying, and got bullied there to the point I had to remove my post. They basically just told me to suck it up and deal with it, and that these people had all the rights in the world to slander my name.

I feel bad for people who have to go through cyberbullying, it makes me angry that people just dismiss it and allow it to happen. I was teased a lot growing up in school, and it is exactly the same feeling online. Just because we are not face to face does not mean your actions or words to do not hurt me.

What I ended up doing was closing off my profile to outsiders - make it harder for people to find them, changing my picture to a generic picture, and changed my name. Also a good thing to do is block all of them.

I also agree with ignoring, because when it happened to me I was super man and just kept asking them to take it down - I never commented on the issue nor did I say anything else. I just told them they had not right to post it and to take it down, they caused them to do it even more.

 

[firaplays]

I'm so sorry that happened to you :( Some people devote far too much time and energy to bringing others down, and it's just as sad that these websites won't do anything about it. I'm glad you were able to get out of that situation.

[PaintBrushedDreams]

Thank you, hope things turn out better for your friend!

[Aquamentis12]

I've got a LOT of experience with bullying and cyberbullying. Being on the receiving end that is. One group of twits, actually used to stalk me online. posting links to an old blog I had and directing it's members to go after me. Geocities, where their site was, refused to do anything. But that was before cyberbullying laws. Though by the time those laws started to exist their little "church" had disbanded. Yeah, they actually set themselves up as some kind of "church". Really ticked me off, especially since their leader's character was the one it was set up to "worship". Which, if you ask me, is pretty darn PATHETIC.

Anyway, reporting is the best, and it's sad but probably a good thing your friend quit that community you were both in. It stinks because it ruins the fun for both of you, since you can't be on the site together. But something else you might be able to do, is to look up cyberbullying laws whereever it's still coming from. As there may be some LEGAL actions she can take. The internet, while an awesome thing, has it's darker side, and that includes the feeling of anonymity that allows cowards like the bullies, to pull off their bullying without having to reveal whom they are. At least bullies IRL have to face you directly. Whereas the net allows people to be jerks without giving the victim a chance to face them down.

I'd say, she should block ANYONE still trying to message her to bully. If she knows them IRL, I'd look into local laws that she could go to the authorities about. REALLY give THEM a scare when their parents get called, or whatever their procedure is. And if they are bullying via e-mail, or social media. Report to the medium they are using. If it's Facebook, report it to FB, likewise with Twitter and other companies where it happens. They can lose their accounts, maybe even permanently.

Your friend should try to stay strong, and not believe anything they say. They don't know her, and they're just getting their sick "kicks" from thinking they are hurting her. So, if she doesn't show the pain, and can battle back they can't get off on their twisted games.

Nobody should HAVE to deal with this garbage, or garbage like bullies. It's bad enough bullying is often something learned, but it really sucks that dealing with bullies is a skillset that is harder to learn. Because most people start off nice and they don't expect most, or any people to be such jerks. So victims of bullying are usually blindsided and don't know what to do. IRL I was the type to keep getting up, no matter how often I was knocked down. You never give up, you can be hurt, have tears streaming down your face, but you don't give up, you never give them THAT satisfaction. Bullies react to any perceived weakness. If your friend has a strategy as to how to deal with them and can stay strong, at least seeming online. She should be able to outlast them. It's definitely an endurance thing. Also, you mentioned she sings covers. That's pretty awesome. It takes a lot of GUTS to post yourself singing, especially publicly. Tell your friend that if she's strong enough to do that, she's strong enough to deal with those jerks. She may just need to figure out a different way than how she has been dealing with them.

You're clearly a good friend, sticking by and trying to help your friend out. Encourage her, empower her, and be there for her. Since you two are in different countries, it's about all you can do from afar. I know it sucks not being able to hug your friend, and tell her "It's alright" in person.

I hope something of this post is useful. Best of luck to you and your friend.

[firaplays]

I hadn't considered the legal angle before. That's something I might have to look into!