My friend takes FOREVER to respond

[smoss1]

Okay, so I have best friend that I met about 4 years ago and we have been very close while having deep conversations about life, each other and academic stuff like religion. We would say how much we love each other and and what our friendship means to us. We have long and engaging conversations by texting each other; if she sends a long message, I send a long message back in reply. Since I had this friend, she has had trouble in the past with some life issues and takes a while to respond sometimes (Average time: 2 weeks to a month) to answer to my messages. I have never taken more than 2 weeks to respond to her messages that she has sent me. I usually give her the benefit of the doubt because she says that sometimes that she is busy with school, work or life issues. When she does text me back, I completely forgive her for taking a while because I am so happy to talk to her again! :) This friendship is long distance and we live half way around the world from each other so I know that time differences can be taken into account. But, the longest I have waited for a response sometimes is 2 months. I really felt sad during that time because I was anxious to know what going on in her life. So, last time I heard from her was that she wasn't feeling good and she will tell me what is wrong soon. That was a month ago from now. I send her a message a couple of days ago asking her if she was okay; she still has not responded. Even if she has something going on in her life, my patience is wearing thin on her. Seeing as she has worn my patience thin in the past, I feel like she is doing the same thing again. I love her very much and want to keep this friendship alive, but I start to feel anxious and play with my emotions and rational thinking. I feel like there is no excuse no matter who you are to take that long to answer unintentionally. 

 

Sorry for the lenthy friend story but, any advice? Should I be a good friend a be patient? Or should I just let my emotional connection away from her?

 

Thanks to all.

[firaplays]

I've got a friend who was the same way for a while. Her job was really wearing on her and she was going through some nasty medical stuff and she really just didn't have the energy to put into her friendships. She fell off the face of the earth for a while, me and our other friends were getting really worried. For me, it was worth waiting it out, and now she's at the point where she's at least a little more reachable. But my best advice is to do what you think is best for your own well being. If this friendship is causing you so much stress that it outweighs the good things you get from it, you might have to let it go (which wouldn't make you a bad friend, btw!) If the good outweighs the bad, I say be patient with her. But don't be afraid to do what you need to do to stay sane.

[deboratibi]

Have you talked to her about how these delays make you feel? Because if you never told her, or hinted at it, she may have no idea that this is something that bothers you. But if you have, then my advice would be to distance yourself a bit. Of course, as firaplays says, do what you think is best. But in my experience with people like this, I always preferred to disconnect myself and lower my expectations. You are a good friend for being patient and understanding what she's going through, but she needs to understand you too and make a little effort. It goes both ways, so if you decide you've had enough, you have the right to do so and that doesn't make you a bad friend.

Anyway, whatever your decision is, I wish you the best!  

[smoss1]

Thank you both for your advice. I felt so conflicted with myself about what to do. I guess when I feel attached to someone so closely, I wonder how they are doing and I start to miss them fondly. It is a lot more difficult because I can't just call and hang out with her because of our distance apart. Since she told me a month ago that she would tell me what's wrong. I have been anxiously waiting for a response, but you guys know no better than I. A simple, "hello, can't talk right now, having personal issues" once in a while would be nice. She types really fast btw so I know it will only take her a couple of seconds. But thank you both for respecting whichever decision I make. :) I also thank you both your telling me that I won't be a bad friend for letting her go. I know that is what I fear. I don't want to hurt her in anyway, shape, or form. But, my emotions can't take it anymore, man. I will wait a little bit before making a decision, giving me a chance to think about it. 

5 hours ago, firaplays said:

I've got a friend who was the same way for a while. Her job was really wearing on her and she was going through some nasty medical stuff and she really just didn't have the energy to put into her friendships. She fell off the face of the earth for a while, me and our other friends were getting really worried. For me, it was worth waiting it out, and now she's at the point where she's at least a little more reachable. But my best advice is to do what you think is best for your own well being. If this friendship is causing you so much stress that it outweighs the good things you get from it, you might have to let it go (which wouldn't make you a bad friend, btw!) If the good outweighs the bad, I say be patient with her. But don't be afraid to do what you need to do to stay sane.

I understand your friend's situation completely as it is similar to my friend in terms of energy and work/school weight. I'm glad every thing worked out between your friend group. But, I guess the thing is that my friend has done this multiple times, usually once a year since we met. She takes a hiatus from talking to me (reasons depending on how she feels or busyness) for a couple of months. But never longer than that. The pros of the friendship are very wonderful but they grow scarce in these "hiatus" months. 

4 hours ago, deboratibi said:

Have you talked to her about how these delays make you feel? Because if you never told her, or hinted at it, she may have no idea that this is something that bothers you. But if you have, then my advice would be to distance yourself a bit. Of course, as firaplays says, do what you think is best. But in my experience with people like this, I always preferred to disconnect myself and lower my expectations. You are a good friend for being patient and understanding what she's going through, but she needs to understand you too and make a little effort. It goes both ways, so if you decide you've had enough, you have the right to do so and that doesn't make you a bad friend.

Anyway, whatever your decision is, I wish you the best!  

I guess I have hinted at it a couple of times, and she knows that sometimes she does take too long. You are right. Maybe I should tell her that it does bother me. I always tell her that I will be patient because everyone usually has something going on in their life. Maybe I should stop that if she is taking this long to respond XD but nonetheless, I probably shouldn't be so close to her if her silence bothers me this much. 

[alexinwonderland]

Are you comunicating by something like whatsapp or email? I find sometimes with messenger services, people will read the message and then completely forget about it but, may be better with email. Of course, that being said, I have some friends who I don't talk to for months at a time but, it's not an issue because our friendship is really strong and there are others who I've just let go because they have moved in a different direction in life, no explanation and no hard feelings.

I don't know how old you are but I can tell you as I've gotten older, it becomes harder to find the time to sit down and communicate with everyone. Life has a funny habit of getting in the way. I've also learned not to take how others behave personally because, it's really not about me. Instead of hinting about it, you might want to take the direct route. Unless you're explicitly stating how you feel, you can't expect your friend to know by just making an off hand comment about it once or twice. She might have an idea that you're annoyed but think it's just something small when you're over here stressing out about it. Honesty and communication are what keep every kind of relationship going. 

If you know she can take up to two months to respond, I would wait until then before making any big decisions but, in the meantime, drop her another line letting her know how worried you are.

[smoss1]

11 minutes ago, alexinwonderland said:

Are you comunicating by something like whatsapp or email? I find sometimes with messenger services, people will read the message and then completely forget about it but, may be better with email. Of course, that being said, I have some friends who I don't talk to for months at a time but, it's not an issue because our friendship is really strong and there are others who I've just let go because they have moved in a different direction in life, no explanation and no hard feelings.

I don't know how old you are but I can tell you as I've gotten older, it becomes harder to find the time to sit down and communicate with everyone. Life has a funny habit of getting in the way. I've also learned not to take how others behave personally because, it's really not about me. Instead of hinting about it, you might want to take the direct route. Unless you're explicitly stating how you feel, you can't expect your friend to know by just making an off hand comment about it once or twice. She might have an idea that you're annoyed but think it's just something small when you're over here stressing out about it. Honesty and communication are what keep every kind of relationship going. 

If you know she can take up to two months to respond, I would wait until then before making any big decisions but, in the meantime, drop her another line letting her know how worried you are.

That is true. You make a good point. I should be as honest as possible to her and tell her that I am worried and if there is anything I can do first. I am usually very honest when talking to her. We have commicated through email before but we found it easier to communicate through WhatsApp. But how is it communication if we aren't keeping a conversation going? I would understand if we finished a conversation and there isn't anything new to say, but she left me hanging. 

Besides, she is a very close friend and I do not have a lot of other people to fall back on in the meantime. (That is technically why I am asking this forum. *hint* *hint*) ;)

I'm 20 and am a shy person that am over sensitive at times. That alone probably makes up half of my problem. So, I don't have very much life experience, but I do know that it does and will get harder to communicate with friends, especially with ones I don't see often.

I was going to wait a little so I could think about it, but it seems that I should probably tell her that I am worried. After that if she doesn't say anything, I'll back off my emotional connection. 

[charelan]

I agree with the advice that you've received from everyone else. The only thing I can add is this: I am one of those people who accidentally falls of the face of the earth from time to time. It's not on purpose, and sometimes I really don't know how so much time can pass. I am a very introverted person, so sometimes *real* conversation (i.e. more than small talk to acquaintances) takes way more mental energy out of me than it might for others. For instance, I could come on this forum every day... yet find the idea of emailing my own family as "work". Especially if I am upset about something - talking about it just interferes with my normal reaction of stress-suppression and forces me to think about things. I only say this in case your friend is like me... in which case she would have little to no idea this bothered you (because it's normal for her and she doesn't communicate the same way most people do). I also will say, though - if I had a friend that this tendency bothered and they told me I would sure do my best to try harder to go outside my own comfort zone and reach out more. I'd like to think if you follow everyone's advice and just tell her how her lack of response makes you feel she will want to do her best so you don't feel that way anymore. I'd probably get the message from your hints... but some people just aren't empathetic and need something a bit more obvious :) I hope you guys can work it out, or at the very least you can feel better no matter which way you decide on this.

[Rune Valentine]

I'm one of those people. The kind of person who reads a message, thinks up a response, and forgets to hit send. I've taken up to a year to reply to my Facebook messages.

All I have to say is, people like her (and me), need people like you. People who will go out of their way to wonder what and how we're doing. And we need you to understand that sometimes life throws us for a loop. Sometimes we're not ready to talk about it, or are just completely shut down, that we can't bear talking to anyone. I've had these moments. And I know it takes a toll on the people that care about us. But you're going to have to forgive her. She wants to be her best self when she talks to you. She thinks her negative thoughts are poison to the people around her. That's why we shut down. Unfortunately, that's just how it is sometimes.

A little message to say, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. If you want to talk, you know I'm here." is a good start. She will come to you when she's ready. And trust me, she will forever be grateful for the friend that persisted. <3

[Spritzie]

I never used to be, but I've become the person you're describing and I have exact thing going on with my best friend. We're know each other for years and write back and forth as much as we can. Sometimes our messages are so long, the messages actually take hours for both of us to write. Sometimes we replied to each other once a day, sometimes more than once. Then other times, things were going on life got in the way and we had little check-ins, but the actually long messages would take days, weeks or even months.

I hate to say it, but I was the first to disappear really. We had small messages in between, but the long messages mostly stopped from me. She knew, and she knew why. (I won't go into a lot detail, but I had the rather sudden death of a parent and it just changed everything.) As much as I wanted to reply, there were so many times when I just couldn't find the mental and emotional energy or strength to reply, to write much of anything beyond the surface statement of "I'm here, I'm alive and I'm surviving." Sitting down and focusing my mind for any amount of time was nearly impossible for me most days. My mind wouldn't cooperate, at least not in any helpful way. My mind always went places where I had to shut it down, just to make it through the day.

It's been nearly 3 years now, and I'm still not back to normal. I don't shut down as much mentally or emotionally, but my attention span and ability to focus has still never recovered.

The best I can say, is be as patient as you can for yourself. Her feeling the pressure to do things she's not ready for might make it even harder for her to be able to reach out. That was one of the best gifts my friend gave me during the worst. I never felt the pressure to be as present as I was, but from her words, I knew she cared and I knew she missed me and was there when I was ready. I would get little "Hi hope you're hanging in there, thinking of you" messages, but there wasn't the expectation to reply. I did when I could, but I couldn't always. I know it was hard for her, but her patience meant a lot to me, knowing she was there and was waiting and understood. It was one less thing I had to feel guilty about when I already felt guilt for so many things, real and imagined.

I used to wonder why another friend couldn't bother to reply to my texts, even a quick, I'll get with you soon, but now, being on the flip side, I understand how much energy just a simple text can require when you're in a bad place. Sometimes, just seeing texts or calls from people that were friends with my mom, I just can't cope. I've never been a call or text dodger, but there's times when I don't have the energy, and before I know it, I never did reply, or call back. It's not malicious, or purposeful, it's something that just sometimes happens when things aren't going well.

But you do have to take care of yourself too. If you're hurting too much, I'd try to pull back on your expectations from her. If you can't do that, then you have to do what you need to for yourself. The friend I had that never answered calls or texts and I never understood why. When I stopped waiting for her to reply or call back, and just kinda of figured that's how it would be and she'd get to me when she could, our friendship was easier. It wasn't to say it wasn't still sometimes hard or upsetting, especially since I've known her my whole life, but it made it less stressful and I was able to fully enjoy the time we spent together.

[smoss1]

As I look at my original response, I should learn to have better proof reading skills. :s I was so eager post my original post.

 

But I do thank everyone for all of your valuable advice. Thank you for all of your kind stories.

Maybe I should be more understanding when people have problems in their lives in the current moment. I realize that their are a lot of people like her and need space away from friends, humans beings, and feelings in general to stay sane themselves.  It does take a toll on me, you guys have gotten it right. I want to keep being extremely supportive of her because I know she goes through hard times and doesn't talk about it until she is ready.

in the meantime today, I have written a letter about why her silence bothers me but haven't sent it. I won't send it until she responds and feels slightly better (whenever that will be). I was only trying to get the feelings out of my mind so I could concentrate on other things. But I will still send it at one point. Whether if she knows already or not, I need to be honest and tell her how I feel, I don't want to hurt her in any way and I hope that she doesn't perceive it as "she isn't good enough". I think we should communicate this problem for both of our sake. 

Even if she has done this multiple times, I should have known to lower expectations of her answering me for anything because of how much it is taking a toll on me. But, I will still sometimes send her a quick message once in a while if she is doing okay, without expecting any response.

 

[life_eclectic]

I can't handle talking back and forth for a long time, but somehow I get myself into situations where I'm doing that, however I will tell people that I am not good at keeping up. Mainly I get overwhelmed and I used to be able to handle more, but then I lost my mom and now I'm not on social media except facebook a few times a year and then I post on here, but I usually don't reply again. I think that's good to say something. Maybe if she's more aware, she can do more to respond quicker, or let you know if she's gonna be gone longer and if you know why she takes a while, it can help you to not be so anxious. Best to you and your friend.

[decchild]

As someone who's been on the other end of not responding to people, sometimes it's just the person wants to close themselves off to deal with stuff and not want to burden someone else with their problems. One of my closest friends and I used to talk almost every day, but we now only talk twice a month because a.) the American presidential election has just really demoralised me b.) I have some health issues that have both messed me up psychologically and and physiologically.

I know it sucks, but give your friend some time. Shoot her an email or text to let her know you're there for them, and if/when she's ready, you'll be there for her. Let her come to you. Meanwhile, focus on cultivating your other friendships, and if this friendship hurts you that badly, it's okay to walk away. I've been on your end too, and been used as an emotional punching bag. (My friend made me suicidal, which wasn't good given my own mental state at the time since he was in a psych ward.) Take care of yourself, and don't forget to prioritise your emotional and physical well being too. 

[tk421beth]

This is difficult to write, since I do not express myself with words well...

You have to give your friend a chance. I usually am VERY social, but my brother got diagnosed with Cancer, my best friend passed away a few weeks ago, by a violent, horrible death (she was murdered by a close family member). She was my closest friend, and I am devastated.

Another friend passed away last week.

I've been down in the dumps, and not talked to ANYONE for a few weeks. My husband is worried.

Today I got a haircut, and went on FB for the first time in about a week (I think). This is not like me, since I am always on here. I even stop playing Neopets during the late summer/early fall because of my brother. I do not handle stress very well.

Friends and family sent me texts, messages, etc and it took me a while to answer them.

I do not want to bother friends/family with my woes, and don't want to bring anyone down with my thoughts and feelings. I'm always the happy one, the one who laughs like a hyena, the one that tells funny stories...and when I stop, everyone goes nuts.

I loved reading all the advice and comments from everyone on your post. ♥

Love,

Beth

PS: As of yesterday, my brother is 100% Cancer FREE!!!!!

 

[smoss1]

It still is hard for me to understand that she doesn't go through stress or tragic events the same way I do. We both are introverted people that keep to ourselves 

I can usually handle a month or two of no communication because things do happen. The difference is that she has done this multiple times already. I let my emotions get to me this time... I have calmed down and thought about this situation a little more. 

Other times when she hasn't answered me for months, she posts on Facebook and seems to keep active. Maybe it is to keep her mind off of what wrong. But this time, is isn't posting anything, which is making me think that this is different. 

In normal times when there isn't anything going on, we usually respond to each other within a week and she would take a little longer but I didn't mind. I guess what puzzled me is that I would communicate that something is wrong when there are events in my life going on.

 

This is a very hard decision as I have been thinking about both sides of the insight scale that all of you wonderful people are showing me :) I have been giving her many chances and want to give her many more for our friendship, but it is more likely my emotions will get the best of me and I will feel very depressed. But if I lay back, we probably won't be the same again.

Still thinking about what my decision will be, but I have time until she feels better and is ready. 

9 hours ago, tk421beth said:

This is difficult to write, since I do not express myself with words well...

You have to give your friend a chance. I usually am VERY social, but my brother got diagnosed with Cancer, my best friend passed away a few weeks ago, by a violent, horrible death (she was murdered by a close family member). She was my closest friend, and I am devastated.

Another friend passed away last week.

I've been down in the dumps, and not talked to ANYONE for a few weeks. My husband is worried.

Today I got a haircut, and went on FB for the first time in about a week (I think). This is not like me, since I am always on here. I even stop playing Neopets during the late summer/early fall because of my brother. I do not handle stress very well.

Friends and family sent me texts, messages, etc and it took me a while to answer them.

I do not want to bother friends/family with my woes, and don't want to bring anyone down with my thoughts and feelings. I'm always the happy one, the one who laughs like a hyena, the one that tells funny stories...and when I stop, everyone goes nuts.

I loved reading all the advice and comments from everyone on your post. ♥

Love,

Beth

PS: As of yesterday, my brother is 100% Cancer FREE!!!!!

 

Congrats on your brother!!! That is wonderful and thank you for your advice.

 

I guess it is hard for me to understand the logic of not wanting to bring anyone down or bother anyone with your woes. Non-communication hurts me more. But I do understand if the they personally do not want to talk about it for various reasons; it's for their sake and not others' sake