I Feel Nine Kinds Of Useless...

[nightfall8705]

I've gotten to know a lot of you here at TDNF, and I appreciate all the support and friendships I have here, but I just need to get this out, because I don't have very much around me besides Sydney, and I can't continue to bottle this up. I'm sorry because this will be extremely long.

 

When I was 10, my brother was born. He was still-born due to a calcium deficiency and being two months premature. They life-flighted him at the hospital after they were able to revive him, but my mother suffered heart failure shortly after and nearly drowned from fluid in her lungs. After that, I practically had to be the woman of the house. She went on disability and wasn't able to do very much. As far as my brother was concerned, I bathed him, fed him, slept with him, changed him, etc to help my mom out. She had her boyfriend living with her, a man who was hateful and angry, whom I hated very much, and we often did not get along. My dad was never in the picture much, and after I graduated high school (with honors) I decided to go back to the town I was born in to visit relatives and pretty much kick him out of my life. My brother had never met him before at this time. So the four of us go down to SC, 300 miles away from home in NC with one suitcase, and they leave a few days later while I stayed in SC to have a longer visit with relatives since I had not seen them in years.

 

The very day I was supposed to go back to NC, my dad came to my aunt's house where I was staying and said to me four words with no expression in his voice at all, that completely ruined my life.

 

"Angel. Your mama's dead."

 

Long story short, she was dead, the boyfriend was freaking out, hid my brother from me, I had to go to court just to find him and get a restraining order from the boyfriend. We had to move to SC with one suitcase! We lost EVERYTHING in NC. The house, our things, our mother's things, EVERYTHING. LITERALLY EVERYTHING but that one suitcase. There was even a fistfight between the boyfriend and I to get the dress she was buried in! He threatened to kill us (he later died last year of cancer) and after a huge family feud, massive court dates, a funeral, and the boyfriend wiping out my mom's bank account, I later found out I was to get a small inheritance, which I used to start completely over practically by myself.

 

Our deadbeat father somehow met my brother and got custody of him for two years. During that time, my brother had no toys to play with, he was forbidden to see me, his money was used on gambling, he slept in a cot in a "house" with no bathroom and stolen electricity. The only friend he had was a black boy and he couldn't play with him because our dad's girlfriend forbid him. She made my brother go to bed at 6:30 every night! He had to go to the bathroom in a bucket!

 

Finally the state got involved after an accident at my aunt's house in which my brother got burned on his leg and we had to go to another state to get him treatment. I went with him for five days with the clothes on my back, no way home, and no money, and stayed with him. Shortly after, I got awarded sole permanent custody of him in 2007. I was working a horrible job until 2009. I have a lot of medical issues and haven't been able to get work since then, but I had to do what I had to when the time mattered.

 

Today, my brother is 17, and will be 18 in December. I will be relieved of my sole legal guardianship that day, Sometimes I wonder about how I raised my brother by some of the things he does...

 

He does things he shouldn't and he misses more school than he's supposed to, and sometimes things happen that I just can't control.

 

Around the house, I worry about money all the time and often sacrifice to an extent that is gets dangerous for me to make sure ends meet. The house isn't always cleaned, and we hardly ever have dinner as a family because he's always gone.

 

I've begun to second-guess myself in the last few months about just how well I was "cut out" to be a parent. I know my brother resents me in many ways, but I can honestly say I've done the best I could in my situation.

 

I had to grow up overnight at age 18. I had to start over completely in a new place with no one! I've been homeless. I've been hungry. I've been sick so bad that I couldn't get out of bed, but I still did everything I could to get where we are. I had to work hard knowing it was killing me physically. I never even got to go to college. All of my goals and dreams were put on hold. I've sacrificed nearly my whole life...

 

I feel useless most of the time because I've not been able to work or go to university or any of that. I feel like I could have tried a little harder and provided better, now I just cry because I feel so bad, even though I know I shouldn't. I know I did my best, but I still get judged and criticized by my so called "family" and they just make me feel like crap I guess because they are so negative. It tears me into pieces.

 

We struggle a lot, and we will never even be close to being "comfortable" but I can't help but feel like I've failed myself, my brother... God. I don't want to feel like my mother is watching me and is disappointed. The last thing I ever wanted to do is fail her, and I feel like that's all I've done.

 

I'm sorry to just put this out in the open. Maybe I'm feeling like this because I got hurt recently and I actually am useless at the moment.

 

Thanks for reading.

[.Brianna.]

*sigh* You've been through so much more than some people will ever go through at such a young age. Never give up on your brother. I'm sure there is animosity there now because in his eyes you are his parent, not his sister. He is still a kid, and he probably has yet to realize just how much you care for him and how much you have sacrificed by fighting to make a better life for him rather than allowing him to end up in the foster-care system. My brother-in-law is going through a lot of issues with his eldest son right now that he has turned 18 so I've gotten a glimpse into situations like this, but I can't begin to imagine the pain you are feeling right now. The most you can do is continue to remind him that you will always be there for him - no matter what.

 

In the meantime, get some awesome snuggles from Sydney - pet snuggles fix everything <3 (my personal mantra) and know that those of us on the forums are always here for venting, advice, and whatever else you may need.

 

You are not useless *hugs*

[Aquamentis12]

*Hugs*

I can't believe how strong you must be, to make it through all of that! I know a thing of three about feeling useless and like a failure. Someone with strength like your's is NOT useless or a failure. You're one of those people with the strength and potential to really shine!

 

Taking care of someone is never easy. To a much lesser extent than you had to look after your brother, I had to look after my Dad in high school. Not so much because he was non-functional, just a really bad time for him, and me, it was during the divorce. I watched over him as his health got worse, and did what I could, or what he'd allow me to do for him, to his dying day about 2 and a half years ago.

 

I wish I could tell you why your brother is "out" so often. :(

 

I'm sorry about your mom. :( That's gotta be insanely hard, not just losing her, but then EVERYthing save that one suitcase. :(

 

Believe me, you are NOT a failure. I don't think I could be as strong as you've been. With all that you've been through. So keep your course, stay strong, and I wish you the very best of luck in the future! As for school, you know what they say, you can always go back. I just read something about a 90+ yr old WW2 veteran getting a diploma for going back and finishing high school. If someone that old can go back, you can (to college) ;) So don't worry, you're just what they'd call a non-traditional student. Nothing wrong with that at all! :)

[Ranaki]

Nightfall, you are an amazingly strong woman, because you vent when you need to alleviate the "pressure". And those who read it can not help but be touched at how dedicated you are to family, even if they are not the same to you. To be honest, I would not have the patience to deal with a troubled teen without telling them to go. But he is your brother, and you're trying your best for him, if he doesn't realize that soon then he needs a smack upside the head a couple of times. If he remembers his trauma in the past then he should appreciate what you are doing for him and be home more often.

I do not have any siblings, the only family I have ever known is my mother, and she's been through... a LOT, to get us to where we are. It's not the best, but it could be worse. Even though we do not get along for more than 3 minutes without going at each others' throats, there's still love and mutual respect somewhere in there.

 

**I may have a very different approach on how to handle things, but they've worked for me in the past <.<

[chelperk]

That was brave of you to share, Angel. It was distressing to read but please don't doubt yourself for having done the best that you can. I'm sure your brother appreciates you, he just has a funny way of showing it, and has shared lots of pain with you in life, as well. Gah. Feel better! -hugs-

[Lia Seeya]

Angel, I'm not sure what else I can say after everyone has said some great things, but I'll try. All those things you've told us is proof that you are not useless in any way, shape or form. Having to deal with all that, and taking all that responsibility on your shoulders, that's not easy. A "useless" person wouldn't have done all those things, especially for the sake of another person. You're still fighting back against things in life that would have brought other people down, and you're still managing to provide for your brother. I'm hoping that he'll realise what you're doing for him, and come to appreciate it.

 

Never ever think you're useless, because you're not. You're strong, you're still living life and pressing onwards, and I think you're a great person. :) *hugs* Please take care, and if you ever need to talk or anything, just drop me a line, okay? <3

[Dragonrider0592]

Wow! Your struggles have been very hard and I know you must be hurting. Your ability to make it through is truly amazing not many people would have done what you have. Your compassion is wonderful. That kind of spirit is beautiful in so many ways. Never think you are useless you have a purpose one of which you have been fulfilling all along. Your brother may not realize right now how much you have done for him but he will someday. Be proud that you and your brother are alive even if your situation isn't the best. I will be keeping you and your brothers on my heart praying that you will be blessed in a way you never saw coming.

[nightfall8705]

Thank you so much, everyone! I want to like everybody's post but I reached my limit for today...

 

I really appreciate all of your support and kind words, but I think that I've just been too hard on myself. I am truly blessed because there are people surviving worse off than me. It's true that I have become more stronger and compassionate because of my struggles, it's just that feeling that a "parent" figure must feel. How can I give my kids the life I didn't have? Is this good enough? Did I try hard enough?

 

So many times I've thought of giving up, but didn't. I've always tried to see the good in everything. Sure things are looking up and things are working in ways I don't understand, but a lot of it boils down to that toxicity in my life that gets in my head that brings me down.

 

Everybody says my brother cares about me a lot, but I don't see it. He has time for everyone else but me, and sure he is at that age... but I was at that age too once. My family came first. Friends had to wait.

 

I've really had a bad week. People in my life have been ganging up on me and exhibiting my flaws like a freak show gallery. It's gotten to me, but honestly, I think that those who judge me should shut their mouth. They could have stepped up to the plate just as good as I, but did they? No. I did. Some of the same people talking have kids that's been in and out of prison for one reason or another. They're not exactly parent of the year, but at least my brother has never been to jail!

 

For what it's worth, it finally took me forever, everyone, but I managed to find forgiveness in my heart. After hate and anger nearly completely consumed me. The boyfriend's last wish was to speak to me, and I spoke to him over the phone without any malice, and truly meant it when I told him somehow I forgave him. He died two weeks later. I think he was waiting on that.

 

Somehow, I've managed to forgive my father as well, and try to mend the relationship with him before it's too late. Last year something happened regarding him, a gun, his trashy ex girlfriend, her daughter, the police, a bunch of medicine, and the swat team that has left my father incarcerated since last year after a lengthy stay in the ICU ward of the hospital following a suicide attempt.

 

The last time I saw my father, he was in ICU over a year ago. Some other family has seen him but not offered to take me and my brother. We've been without transportation for the last year as well and have had no way to see him. I feel like he thinks I hate him and had abandoned him. We said we'd visit again, but never got a chance to. I've not even gotten to speak to him or write him.

 

It saddens me because as crazy as I am, if the state would let me, I would just say to give him to me. I'll take him till he dies. If they judge how my brother acts sometime, there's no way they'd give me "custody" of my father. *sigh*

 

I have an older half sister with kids, but she's got her own life, and really has a lot on her plate. My niece has CF and it takes a toll on everybody.

 

I guess I feel like I failed my father too. Then again, he failed me first, but that's not the point.

 

Last night, my brother had a good time making me feel small. It put me down after the week I've had. Plus my medications are getting back in my system after I've been out for several days and it's not balanced me yet, which makes the emotional crap much worse.

 

Sydney did make me feel better though, as did all of your loving comments here. I really do appreciate everyone encouraging me and comforting me during this distressful week I'm having.

 

I truly do love all of you, and can't thank you enough.

[Hert123]

I can't believe all the crap you've been through. This makes my life look really easy and makes me realise I can't complain. I'm really sorry for everything you've been through. I don't know what to say besides everything everybody above me already said! You're strong, you're stronger than most people on this earth (even stronger than me, too) and I hope you stay strong. You've been through a lot and I really hope for you that it all gets better and everything will be okay. I hope that in 10 years you will be able to say: that was a though time, but it made me stronger and now I have lovely kids of my own. I really hope that. Please, if you ever feel the need to talk to somebody, I will listen to you. Contact me on the forums or Neo, I will respond. Stay strong *hugs*

[Ranaki]

I've long forgotten this song, but remembered it today. I thought it may be one of those "I can relate" songs and figured I'd share with you.

 

[nightfall8705]

The link didn't work for me Ranaki, but the song I keep inadvertently hearing over and over is "Remember Everything" by Five Finger Death Punch, which adequately describes how I feel to a T. *sigh*

 

I am feeling a little better now though. <3

[KyokoHateshinai]

First of all, the crap you been through is crazy. I admire you to survive without giving up, and to still be optimistic.

With your brother, you raised him all by yourself. He's not without his losses, but you got the worst end of the stick. However, I feel like I understand your brother. (Well don't quote me becus I really don't know you in real life) He sounds a lot like me, with you as my mom. Although my mom has been through a lot for me, I can't say I'm lucky than her at all. Tbh, I feel burdened with all the things she did for me, I feel like I have to do something to redeem myself. I'm going into my 3rd year of university, but I'm going into 2nd year courses. I'm stressed ever since I got in and still am; being prescribed anti-depressants (although I haven't tried them yet because I'm still doubtful of side effects). I'm still in the middle of figuring what I should be and what I should do, and your brother sounds like he's the same. He's 18, he's got peer pressure, he doesn't worry as much about reality because you dealt with it for him for the most part. Hopefully once you are out of his custody, he'll be more aware. But even if he isn't, it isn't your fault/problem. You sacrificed a lot for him, you done well and enough.

No one is cut out to be a parent, and you didn't choose to be one at 10 years old.

If you want to talk about it (or even disagree with me), feel free to message me. There's a lot to be said for you and obviously words alone cannot sum everything up. -Throws you hugs!-

[chelperk]

Have you ever thought about writing your bro a lil note to tell him how you feel? He seems like a busy person so it may be effective if it's strategically placed. :)

 

Sending warm wishes your way.

[nightfall8705]

Either heck is freezing over or maybe I'm not such a fail parent that I think.

 

I just called my brother on the phone. He's out with friends. At Walmart.

 

I ask him when he will be home, he says it will be a little while.

 

I say, "why?"

 

Then I hear a woman speaking in the background, saying something about hemoglobin.

 

My brother and three of his friends were bored walking around Walmart, and they thought it would be "cool" to donate blood.

 

 

WHAT.

 

I think it's all of their first times donating too.

 

They're saving lives! How generous of them! I would have donated too had I gone with them.

 

Apparently my brother thought it would be a good idea to donate since the bloodmobile was there and they were bored.

 

:')

 

Maybe I raised him right after all! This makes me proud of him to think of others like that, and to bring his friends too!

[Ranaki]

I tried once, to donate blood. I have rolling veins and apparently the nurse was a noob... Poked my right arm 8 times, failed. Poked my left arm 6 times, then finally got it. Both of my arms puffed up, which I think is called a "mouse" for some reason or another? When I had to go to the hospital last year for my migraines being ongoing and constant for a month straight and pain killers doing nothing, the nurse there gave me a salt drip and he got it in first try. I have avoided Blood Mobiles like the plague since then. I'm not even sure what blood type I am, and that's important to know x_@

 

I fixed the link from earlier. Sorry about the mess up, I have no idea how to put the link into a word and that's what I was trying to do. And I'm glad to hear you are feeling better, keep it that way >=D

[nightfall8705]

Ranaki, I have a policy regarding blood. I get stuck ONCE, and that's it.

 

Luckily, I'm one of these people where you could close your eyes, stick me, and hit a vein, so once is usually all it takes to get my blood. I've not donated in a while, but I have done it at least 3 times in the last couple of years or so. It feels good to help others out, but I'm not the biggest fan of needles at all.

[Navy]

Life has given you one heck of a ride, that's for sure. I'm not really good at this whole advice thing but you are so strong. I've been through a lot in my life, but that makes my problems seem so superficial compared to what you've been through. You're still here and breathing, and as long as you are, there's always hope for tomorrow. My boyfriend and I have been fighting for custody of our little brother and his mother has almost complete cut me off after I've left the state to deal with family issues. My boyfriend sneaks the phone to him while he can and the first time he saw me on skype it was so emotional. She's already dealing with custody issues with him over the state, and we're expected to get custody of him some time in the next 3 years. *crosses fingers*

[nightfall8705]

I hope everything works out for you, Navy. Custody battles are never easy, I know. Thank you for your kind words. *hug*

[minniemeggie]

Angel,

you are a true angel and never feel like a failure. You were handed an awful lot and you have done the best with what you could. I have been raising my nephews since I was 11 and it has been a major struggle for me and I am just now getting to a place where I can look at them and not feel like a failure. I know how it feels to look at these people you were responsible for, you gave them the stepping stones to be whoever it is they are. Boys tend to be more aggressive and detached then females, I know its not always true but often it is. You know you did right when they make inspired, thoughtful choices without any direction, like them donating blood.

 

I remember when my son Jericho was two I was at my wits end with my then 14 year-old nephew Joel. I "un-school" my younger nephew Noah and Jericho but Joel asked to go back to school because he wanted to experience high-school which I was totally fine with as long as he continued to keep up with learning on his own. He was getting in trouble every single day. I had to go to parent teacher conferences with a screaming teething two year old and a hyper active 11 year old. I got a call one day from the principal saying they thought Joel and two other students WERE DRUNK. I refused to let them test him and when I went to pick him up he told me he wasn't drunk but he was clearly acting funny. I was heartbroken, I felt I had failed and considered taking him out of school again. He wasn't researching and learning on his own anymore and this crazy smart kid was no longer curious and active. But I knew he would resent me. So I rode the storm for a little longer. Then after I picked him up from school one day he asked me to help organize an event/festival to give toys, clothes and hugs for foster kids. I thought maybe it was an assignment but his teacher told me that Joel brought up during free discussion. I knew I had done right.

 

You have too. You have ridden out storms worse than this Angel, you are strong and smart. Things may be hard now but the pride and happiness you feel when your brother does something as beautiful and sweet as giving blood is why you do this. Because you are setting down the stones to build someones life and that is the greatest gift.

 

edit: I want to clarify that I didn't get custody of my nephews until I was 19, prior to that I was living with my crack addict sister so I could take care of the kids. I wasn't a miracle 11 year-old with a job and a house lol.

[nightfall8705]

Thank you for that Meg, so much. Your words do mean so much to me, and it makes me feel better to know that you know what it's like, but know that you did the best you could too. We both are stronger for that. Just like I was told once "You can give a child tools and instructions how to use them, but you can't make them use them the right way, or even at all."

 

We both have come so far, and have become better people because of it. Meg, you truly are an inspiration yourself, and I love you very much. (I love everybody here!) I feel blessed to have met you and so many caring others here. We truly are a family here, and we can rely on each other when the moment counts.

 

I cannot thank you and everyone else enough for your love, support, and friendship.

 

On another note!

 

My ankle and knee have almost COMPLETELY HEALED! My foot is getting there, but at least I can walk without pain now! YAY!

[Lia Seeya]

My ankle and knee have almost COMPLETELY HEALED! My foot is getting there, but at least I can walk without pain now! YAY!

 

Great! :D Remember to take care of your foot as it's still healing, and don't strain your newly-healed ankle and knee too much. :)

[minniemeggie]

THAT IS GREAT NEWS ANGEL! Ugh I know how awful physical pain can be, and I'm sure with the stress of your day-to-day life it was only magnified.

 

I love you and everyone else here too! It really is a great community and so many like-minded individuals seem to find there way to neopets and then ultimately here.

 

:wub_anim: :wub_anim: <3 :wub_anim: :wub_anim:

[lizzyjane101]

Angel, I can't even pretend to know what you're going through. I just wanted you to know that you will always have random strangers in this great community who will support you.

I agree, custody battles are the worst, expecially when you're fighting against someone who you know would do a terrible job at bringing them up. My cousin basically had to raise himself because his mother ran away with him to join the circus. When he got out, he did his entire high school up to year 10 in one year, bless him. And now he has a beautiful, successful wife and great kids and a lovely home. I always look at him and think of how he turned his life upside down (in the good sort of way) by sheer will power. I'll be thinking of you ad your brother. He sounds like a good kid.