I found the truth about my Grandfather.

[leverhelven]

My grandfather died when I was 5 (I'm 24 now) and I grew up being told he died of a cardiac arrest.

 

Today I found out he actually shot himself in the head in his house's garage.

 

I don't know what to think. I'm in shock.

 

Sorry for the post.

[Welcome Back Apathy]

:( It's really hard to talk about something like that with children, so I understand why your parents wouldn't want to say anything about it. But it's hard finding out, no matter when it is that you find out.

 

It is good to know that it happened, though. If there's a history of depression in your family, it's something you should know about and be prepared for.

 

In the meantime, *HUG*

[blowupthesun]

I won't pretend like I have any idea what you're going through, because I don't. I can't imagine what must be going through your head, but I would guess those thoughts and questions are the hardest part. If someone dies of cardiac arrest, as sad as it is, you can at least understand why it happened. This isn't really something with such an easy answer, but I hope you will eventually find some kind of peace with what you found out.

[Ranaki]

Geeze o.O

 

That's horrible and I'm sorry you found out that it was that way. *Huggles* Finding out stuff like that is never fun, no matter what age you are, like Welcome Back Apathy said. I wonder if people that commit suicide think of the pain that it causes those around them...

[Shelley]

wow, I can understand the shock. Suicide is a very hard thing to wrap your mind around. I'm so sorry :(

 

I'm kind of surprised that this was kept hidden from you all these years, although I can understand the difficulty of explaining that kind of things to a child. My parents have always been very forth coming with my family history of suicide. Although when my half brother passed away when I was younger my parents wouldn't tell me how it happened. But I really didn't want to know that detail anyways. But this really showed me the importance of treatment for mental illness. It's not something to just brush off your shoulder.

 

Just know that his death was the result of a severe illness, just like cardiac arrest would have been. Sorry for what your family has gone through <3

 

@kodylaurentia, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I send all my sympathy <3 I can't even imagine what you're going through

[leverhelven]

I suspected it when I was 15 and one of my cousins sorta let it slip, but back then everybody SWORE he (my cousin) had just gotten informations wrong and that my grandpa had indeed, definitely, totally died of cardiac arrest. So they HAD a chance to tell me the truth but KEPT TO THE LIE.

 

And oh, I told my therapist thru whastapp that I knew now how my grandpa had died... AND SHE TOLD MY MOTHER! I didn't want my mother to know I found it out! (it was my father - divorced - who told me when I asked him today). SHE SHOULD HAVE KEPT IT A SECRET as everything in therapy is supposed to be!

 

I feel so betrayed. Twice. Once for my family and once for my therapist who seems to be talking to my mom BEHIND MY BACK about the things I say to her.

 

Sigh.

[Ali Cat]

Knowing family members (especially parents) willingly chose to lie long-term is a really horrible feeling. I went through stages of betrayal, anger, and distrust, and nothing any of my friends said helped because it's something that just hurts you really deeply and kind of shakes you to the core. In the end, I feel like the lies aren't worth it because hurtful secrets then become hurtful purely because they were secrets in addition to the secret itself. My personal path through that took me to feeling more resignation than anything; they lied, I wholeheartedly believe they were wrong to do so, but in the end, the lies happened and there's really no place to try and move but forward. Moving forward for me involved working through acceptance of the secret itself, and trying to realize that the secret-keepers truly thought they were doing the best thing for the children and the adults involved. I'm thinking of a certain quote about a road being paved with good intentions, unfortunately.

 

Your therapist was 100% wrong to disclose information to your mother. The only times therapists are legally allowed to disclose information are when they think there's a threat involved in some way either to the self or to others, or if you expressly give them permission to do so.

 

Sending all the good vibes your way to help you get through this tough spot!

[nightfall8705]

Suicide is a very sensitive subject, I admit, and even conversing gingerly about it can cause controversy, however, as smart as children are, most of them don't truly understand the concept of death at such a young age. Even so, that fact doesn't mean the loss hurts any less. For a person to consider suicide, unless you yourself have ever felt suicidal, like there was no other way out, most people don't understand what it's like. I can only imagine the unique pain your grandfather was going through to consider ending his life, but I do sympathize because I, myself, have been those shoes. I'm so sorry for your loss, Patti, as for your loss too Kody. I send you both a world of love and positive energy to help ease your grief. <3

[lizzyjane101]

I suspected it when I was 15 and one of my cousins sorta let it slip, but back then everybody SWORE he (my cousin) had just gotten informations wrong and that my grandpa had indeed, definitely, totally died of cardiac arrest. So they HAD a chance to tell me the truth but KEPT TO THE LIE.

 

And oh, I told my therapist thru whastapp that I knew now how my grandpa had died... AND SHE TOLD MY MOTHER! I didn't want my mother to know I found it out! (it was my father - divorced - who told me when I asked him today). SHE SHOULD HAVE KEPT IT A SECRET as everything in therapy is supposed to be!

 

I feel so betrayed. Twice. Once for my family and once for my therapist who seems to be talking to my mom BEHIND MY BACK about the things I say to her.

 

Sigh.

 

I'm so sorry. I can't really empathise, because I've never lost anyone. I came very close to loosing a dear friend that way, but I was lucky enough to being in the right place at the right time.

 

It was very wrong of your therapist to disclose that confidential information. If she is talking to your mother without your permission, that's a serious problem and betrayal of your trust. I just wanted you to know that we're all here for you if you ever need anything and if there's anything we can do for you, let us know.

[leverhelven]

I'm so mad right now. I can't trust my family, I can't trust my therapist. I feel like screaming and breaking things. God.

[rntracy1]

I suspected it when I was 15 and one of my cousins sorta let it slip, but back then everybody SWORE he (my cousin) had just gotten informations wrong and that my grandpa had indeed, definitely, totally died of cardiac arrest. So they HAD a chance to tell me the truth but KEPT TO THE LIE.

 

And oh, I told my therapist thru whastapp that I knew now how my grandpa had died... AND SHE TOLD MY MOTHER! I didn't want my mother to know I found it out! (it was my father - divorced - who told me when I asked him today). SHE SHOULD HAVE KEPT IT A SECRET as everything in therapy is supposed to be!

 

I feel so betrayed. Twice. Once for my family and once for my therapist who seems to be talking to my mom BEHIND MY BACK about the things I say to her.

 

Sigh.

If you are 24 yrs old and your therapist is talking to your mom, it is time for a new therapist, at the very least. I don't know how things work in Brazil, but in the USA, that is a big time HIPAA violation and she could lose her license to practice. We, as health care professionals, take confidentiality very seriously. And unless you give your express permission to discuss it with others, it is a violation of your rights.

 

As for what you are going through, it is a horrible thing indeed. People who become so depressed that they see no other way out, are looking for a way to end the extreme emotional, and sometimes physical, pain they are experiencing. They DO think about how it will affect others, but in a somewhat skewed point of view. Most of them perceive themselves to be a burden upon society, or more so, upon their loved ones, and feel that everyone will be better off if they were dead. Now of course, nobody feels that way about the person, but this is how they perceive themselves and their situation. It is important to understand that there was nothing anyone could have done to have prevented it, and second guessing themselves only makes their pain worse. Like another poster said, we can only learn from these experiences, and because depression does tend to be genetic, you can watch for it in your family and catch it before it becomes severe.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do understand the story of cardiac arrest when you were 5, however I feel that once you knew the truth at 15, your mother should have come clean and been honest with you. That is JMO.

[leverhelven]

Yes, we do have the same ethic code here in Brazil regarding confidentiality and the like. Technically she didn't break it, because she decided to tell my Mom because, as I'm depressive and have always been struggling with suicidal ideas, she believed me to be at risk with the revelation about my grandfather. Rationally, I can understand her decision. But it STILL hurts as hell because I trusted her and I didn't want my mother to know I found it out.

 

Right now all I can think of is the Greek concept of man's inescapable destiny. My family hid the truth about my grandfather's depression and suicide to spare me, but I STILL grew up extremely depressed and attempting suicide multiple times. So, yeah. Seems my fate is pretty much drawn already.

[lizzyjane101]

Yes, we do have the same ethic code here in Brazil regarding confidentiality and the like. Technically she didn't break it, because she decided to tell my Mom because, as I'm depressive and have always been struggling with suicidal ideas, she believed me to be at risk with the revelation about my grandfather. Rationally, I can understand her decision. But it STILL hurts as hell because I trusted her and I didn't want my mother to know I found it out.

 

Right now all I can think of is the Greek concept of man's inescapable destiny. My family hid the truth about my grandfather's depression and suicide to spare me, but I STILL grew up extremely depressed and attempting suicide multiple times. So, yeah. Seems my fate is pretty much drawn already.

 

Even so, she should have talked to you first before telling your mum.

 

And if your family had a history of heart conditions, your mum wouldn't hide it from you with the reasoning that it might make it worse. I agree with Tracy, issues need to be dealt with head on and if your therapist is going behind your back, it's not helping you, it's not making your experience easier, and it's certainly not demonstrating a high level of professional experience.

[sumtingwong]

Sorry for your loss and you have my condolences for having to find out so many years down the road

 

Parents need to talk to their children.

[siniri]

I would still report your therapist. If your message to her did not actually contain any suicide ideation, she should not have made that leap. And even if she thought you were a danger to yourself, the specifics of "why" should still be private -- especially when you reveal that someone lied to you for most of your life, she should not "out" that you discovered the lie to the very person who lied to you! You need to be able to trust her. She violated your trust. You were already pretty vulnerable, and she's just made you even more so. If you have the strength for it, send a letter to the ethics board outlining the facts. You might not have the strength right now to deal with the ethics violation; your mental health is more important. But reporting her might help you deal with her betrayal, and she's a terrible therapist. If you really can't deal with submitting the report, writing the letter might be cathartic, and then you could just save it so you have the facts (with time, dates, details) ready to go if you ever do decide to report her.

 

I'm not sure how long a relationship you've had with your therapist, nor how long it might take you to get a new therapist. You obviously need someone to help you work through this. If you have to work with her for a little bit longer, you need to "clear the air" and let her know how violated you feel, and how she's compounded your already-fragile trust issues that arose from this incident with your family. She might still be in "cover her butt" mode, continuing to justify her actions. Know that she was wrong, regardless of what she says. Ask her to establish rules for sharing with your family members -- ask her if she could tell you first before she talks to them, to give you an opportunity to explain any ramifications that she might not see (but seriously, how could she not see the ramifications of what she's already done?...), so that maybe she'll share less. If she won't agree to at least that much, tell her that you need someone else NOW and she needs to help you find that someone else, because you can no longer trust her, and you need someone to help you get through this.

 

Regarding the "Greek destiny" thing... I have a friend who died of a heart attack while we were performing together. He was 59 years old. He was an athlete all his life: college varsity track and cross-country runner, marathon runner, tae kwan do state senior champion (he started that after his knees couldn't take running anymore), competitive Irish step dancer (after he had to drop tae kwon do after his triple bypass). After his triple bypass, he became a vegan, doing everything he could to keep his bypasses clear. More than a decade later, they were still completely clear; I asked him about the results of a procedure to check them on the way to our final performance together. My sister (a nurse) said that the procedure might have actually caused a clot that caused the heart attack; there's no real way to know. His mother had died very young of heart disease, herself.

 

I know that sounds like a case of "that was his destiny." But Nash lived more in those 59 years than most people could live in 599 years. He truly embodied the Irish proverb "Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening, and live every day as if it were your last." He actually should have needed a quadruple bypass, but his body had created a "natural" bypass; the doctors said this was rare, but sometimes seen in athletes. He not only lived another 14 years after his triple bypass, he truly lived those 14 years, really active.

 

Nash also had disc problems, and he had surgery a year before he died. He had told me that he had found other things after giving up running and tae kwon do, but he really didn't want to have to give up Irish dancing -- he wanted to be able to dance until he died. And he did, quite literally. I know he would not have regretted dancing that night. He knew that he probably had a shorter lifespan than most due to his genetic heart issues. And so he squeezed everything he could out of every second he did get. (Seriously. He would often say "when I was a ___," and the ___ included volunteer firefighter, backyard beekeeper, rescue and salvage diver, Special Olympics volunteer, track and field judge, science fair mentor and judge, Army reservist -- he served in Vietnam and stayed in the Reserves afterwards, wood carver -- he carved bas-relief images from the Book of Kells that looked like they belonged in a museum, ballroom dancer, Irish dancer, tae kwon do martial artist, marathon runner, Irish language student, environmental engineer -- his "real" job... and that's just what came up naturally in conversation, or I knew by participating in the same.)

 

I realize mental illness is a different beast than physical illness. Your grandfather probably struggled with depression a very long time -- and when he was struggling with it, there was even more of a stigma, and the treatments weren't nearly as effective (if he ever even sought treatment). And yet he survived long enough to become a grandfather. After a long struggle, he lost that battle with his illness. Heredity sometimes sucks. You have to deal with the same illness your grandfather did. But you've been surviving and fighting it. Just like he did, for so long. The treatments are better now. More people understand. It can be easier to find help (though it's still hard to reach out for it). So yes, it's your fate -- or heredity, really -- that you have to struggle with this illness. But that's the only part that's fate. Whether or not you knew about how your grandfather died wouldn't change your heredity. But you are alive, today. You're still fighting this illness. I'll end this too-long post with a message that was supposedly on a therapist's door:

 

I hope you can find a good "stick" that works for you soon. And a therapist who will navigate the jungle with you, instead of sitting in a helicopter over your head.

[leverhelven]

I would still report your therapist. If your message to her did not actually contain any suicide ideation, she should not have made that leap. And even if she thought you were a danger to yourself, the specifics of "why" should still be private -- especially when you reveal that someone lied to you for most of your life, she should not "out" that you discovered the lie to the very person who lied to you! You need to be able to trust her. She violated your trust. You were already pretty vulnerable, and she's just made you even more so. If you have the strength for it, send a letter to the ethics board outlining the facts. You might not have the strength right now to deal with the ethics violation; your mental health is more important. But reporting her might help you deal with her betrayal, and she's a terrible therapist. If you really can't deal with submitting the report, writing the letter might be cathartic, and then you could just save it so you have the facts (with time, dates, details) ready to go if you ever do decide to report her.

 

I'm not sure how long a relationship you've had with your therapist, nor how long it might take you to get a new therapist. You obviously need someone to help you work through this. If you have to work with her for a little bit longer, you need to "clear the air" and let her know how violated you feel, and how she's compounded your already-fragile trust issues that arose from this incident with your family. She might still be in "cover her butt" mode, continuing to justify her actions. Know that she was wrong, regardless of what she says. Ask her to establish rules for sharing with your family members -- ask her if she could tell you first before she talks to them, to give you an opportunity to explain any ramifications that she might not see (but seriously, how could she not see the ramifications of what she's already done?...), so that maybe she'll share less. If she won't agree to at least that much, tell her that you need someone else NOW and she needs to help you find that someone else, because you can no longer trust her, and you need someone to help you get through this.

 

It's complex. I've been with her for more than a year and, even though I've been with other therapists longer, this is the very first one with which I share a true rapport. This is the first therapist in all my life that I can truly say that I like. Actually I adore her. She's amazing. I hate hugging except for a handful of very close people and still I hug her every time we finish a session.

 

Yesterday I had a session and she told me she understood my anger and frustration. She said she was sorry, but being such a sensitive subject, and considering the fact that I'm having a relapse for weeks (need to change my medication urgently but can't schedule an appointment anytime soon) and the obvious shock that such news can cause, she decided to tell my Mom because she believed I was at risk. She explained to me that she got really worried when I told her I had found out, she got truly scared, especially because I stopped answering her messages after that. I don't know how it works in the US/Europe, but here in Brazil a psychologist can break the privacy if they believe their patient is at risk.

 

(In the end it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyways, since my Mom likes to pretend things are not happening and barely said a thing about it)

 

So you know, rationally I understand her decision. I've talked to two close friends of mine who are Psychology majors and they both agree with my therapist's decision. So yes, rationally I understand why she did it. But emotionally I still feel hurt. It's like someone had betrayed me, you know? And it hurts that much because I adore her so much. I mean, if it had happened with one of my past therapist, whom I never particulary liked, I'd get bummed but oh well. You know? Because I never really expected much from them. The fact that she's so special makes it worse.

 

Gash. Yesterday was a very intense session. So I'm still worn out. I still have to wait for my mind to cool off so I can think more rationally.