I am...crushed...and I am tired of feeling this way.

[Psmucker3]

My first boyfriend was a guy named Bailey. We dated when I was a senior in high school, he was a junior. Looking back, our relationship had always been pretty unstable. He was battling anxiety and depression issues at the beginning of our relationship, which took a heavy emotional toll on both of us. But, I vowed to stick through it with him. We were so "in love". Our friends would always tease us and say we were stuck in a permanent honeymoon stage. Most people probably thought we were annoying, but we didn't care. We were together all the time. We were each other's best friend. I told him everything. I trusted him more than anyone. I suppose I wasn't necessarily the best girlfriend. I never cheated on him, but I did kiss another guy while me and Bailey were on a break (but we were still kind of talking). But, no matter what, Bailey still gave me second chances. And I gave him second chances too. We fought a lot. It got worse and worse as our relationship progressed, especially when I went off to college a year later. We lasted for my entire first year at university, but eventually I ended things. 

 

I guess I just wanted to see what else was out there...if you know what I mean. Bailey was my first and only boyfriend. I was only 18 when we broke up.

 

Now, I will soon be 22 in a few months, and I am still not over him. Since we broke up almost 3 years ago, we have been on and off constantly. We have both gone out with other people. I was even interested in his best friend for awhile. But, after every single guy I talk to and eventually end things with, I always find myself going back to Bailey. I often find myself comparing other guys to him as well. 

 

I studied abroad last year for about 5 months and during that time, he kept in touch. When I came back this past summer, we both happened to be in our hometown at the same time. We hung out a few times, and it felt like we were dating again. I started to fall for him all over again. And I pictured us getting back together. I brought up my feelings to him a few times, but he always kind of dismissed them. That should have been a red flag. But, we continued to hang out. 

 

Long story (not so) short...a few months ago I started to feel like he was really using me. I helped him with his homework and even cooked him dinner on multiple occasions. Yet, I felt like he only wanted to hang out when it was convienent for him. I cried about it to him. He didn't even seem to care. I finally ended up texting his friend and asking if it was even worth me pursuing Bailey anymore. He said no and gave his reasoning, which made sense. 

 

I decided to not text Bailey for a week to see if he would hit me up. But, he never did. A week after we stopped hanging out, his friend told me Bailey had mentioned another girl. Now, about 4 months after this incident, Bailey is dating her. They go on vacation together and might even live together. I deleted my social media because I can't stand to see them together. 

 

I really think I messed up. I sound crazy. I am so frustrated...why can't I just get over him after all this time?! Do I even love him? I know people are right in telling me I need to just get over him and move on. But I hate that answer. Maybe because it's the truth. But I still sometimes have a faint feeling of hope somewhere in the back of my mind, and it's telling me "Things will work out". But then again, that must just be the hopeless romantic in me. 

 

Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read this pathetic story. I really really appreciate it. I am really kind of in a dark place mentally right now. I know I will be ok. But, I just don't know when that will be. 

 

x

[pulpfreeoj]

Hi, we don't really know each other, but I just thought I'd offer some words, you can take or leave them.

 

I believe that no matter what, you deserve to feel valued and not made to feel like less than a person. From your description, it just sounds to me like the two of you weren't a good fit (and I'd venture to say that he treated you selfishly). It's easy for someone like me to say "He doesn't deserve you, you're worth more than that," but it can take a while before you really feel the truth of it, especially when it comes to ending a relationship that lasted so long and started so young. 

 

It's alright to be upset and sad and still feel in love with someone you know is bad for you. I feel like relationships are definitely something that can be mourned, and that can be a long process and everyone handles it differently. The temptation to fall into old patterns can be strong, but you're stronger. You can move on from this, take the good memories and the lessons learned with you in your heart, and leave the bitterness and pain behind. You'll move on to bigger and better things. Just give yourself time and remember to treat yourself kindly and with patience.

 

Whatever the case, I wish you luck and happiness (and love, if that's what you want). 

[midnight_spell360]

Ok, warning, I am just someone who just started high school and belong to a religion that doesn't encourage dating, so I am not going to advise someone like you about something I can't even begin to know about.

 

 I can tell you about my observations. Your pain and hurt poured out of your revealing story that I almost cried, and I kept hoping that there would be a glimmer of, ok she will tell us something nice or unselfish that this Bailey did to at least reciprocate the amount of caring, love, and devotion such a beautiful soul (meaning YOU) was putting into this "relationship", and there wasn't anything coming back to you. :'( 

 I spend a lot of time trying to tell my friends in school who do date and go through these roller coaster of emotions and always have to bring them back to: 1) you are young with your whole life ahead of you, so why are you hurrying up to find your soulmate for life right now? (which doesn't apply to you, bc you are at a more mature age that can actually handle these situations) and 2) until you are comfortable and LOVE (not like) yourself, you will always be trying to fill a hole with someone else's actions for something you need to give yourself. You have to trust yourself that there is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong. Learn to love yourself and be happy with who you are and then ppl will want to be around you. When you are secure about who you are, ppl think you are already "with someone" and hopefully stop societal pressure of "pairing" you to someone, bc you are "paired" with knowing you are awesome. <3

  

 Again, I really am not helpful in this 'area' but I want you to know that I believe in my heart that you are wonderful and amazing! Bailey will never get it, but I believe that the person you are meant to be with does get you and will come along to find you. If you are busy with learning to be happy with yourself, you might not notice how much time you spent 'waiting' bc of all the fun things you were doing, ;)  

[rntracy1]

While nobody can ever say, "I know exactly what you are going through", I went through a very similar experience.  Except mine produced a child, so you are lucky in that respect.  We were very young as well, he was 15, turning 16, and I was just turning 17.  He was my first REAL boyfriend, my first love, and my FIRST.  Like you guys, we were inseparable.  Like you guys, we fought a lot, but I thought we were meant to be and it would last forever.  All of our friends did too.  After 2-1/2 yrs, he "broke up" with me.  I was broken.  I mean, when you spend every waking minute with someone, you just don't know what to do with yourself.  He ended up seeing someone else as did I.  I don't know if he was WITH her, he says no, however I was.  We ended up getting back together but he never got over the fact that he wasn't my ONLY anymore.  I felt that was HIS problem.  We ended up having a child and our relationship lasted almost 5 yrs. total. I was a nurse's aide at the time (CNA) and looking into becoming a nurse.  He was in the AA program and there was a nurse there.  He started talking with her to get info for me.  One thing led to another with her, and we broke up again, this time for good.  Our friends were like, "you guys have been together forever, you will get back together."  I was like, "no, it's over for good this time."  At first I tried the same thing as you, keeping in touch with him and getting together whenever possible.  And because we have a child together, we HAD to see each other.  I would see her car in his driveway and it would kill me.  

 

You say that it has been all these years and you still have these feelings.  But it really hasn't been all these years.  You haven't made a CLEAN break.  I finally had to do just that.  I couldn't see him when we transferred our son or anything.  It was too much for me.  I had my parents drop him off and pick him up.  Finally he wasn't in our son's life at all anymore, it was his parents.  I think he was just TRYING to get under my skin.  Once I stopped seeing him during the transfers he stopped having anything to do with our son.

 

As Pulpfreeoj said, the end of a relationship is like the end of anything.  You need time to grieve, time to mourn.  Even though it has been "3 years", it really hasn't been.  You haven't given yourself that clean break and time to go through the stages of grieving and move on.  He has clearly moved on, but he is stringing you along.   It makes him feel good to know that you are pining for him.  It is OK that you are, just don't let him know it.  Give yourself space from him.  You WILL get over him.  I PROMISE.  And if it is TRULY meant to be, I mean god given soul mates, there is nothing that will keep you apart.  You guys can even marry other people and have children, and eventually you will find your way back to each other.  It happens.  But I think you just need to make that clean break and clear your head of him.  Did it work for me?  Absolutely!  I have been with my husband for almost 22 yrs, our son is 17 yrs old.  I dated quite a few in between there too.  ;) Good luck.  You will be ok.  You may want to talk to someone.  It might help.

[decchild]

I had a relationship with someone sort of like Bailey that ended up making me question my self worth and identity when it ended. It took me years to recover from what happened (I'm still working through some of these issues even today). The best advice I can give you is to surround yourself with good friends who won't let you hurt yourself both physically and mentally, and to do something you love every day, whether it's sport, church/synagogue, art. Focus the grief and channel it into something that will allow yourself to heal, and more importantly, allow yourself to grieve. First loves are painful when they end, and it's okay to mourn them because it happens. Realise you are a stronger person now, even if you do not feel like it, and don't be afraid to cry. Un-friend him on facebook, scrub him out of your life, get rid of the physical reminders, whatever that will help you have a clean break.

 

Please know you can always message me if you want a friendly ear, and I will have you in my prayers.  <3

 

Also sharing this phrase because it helped me through some very tough times:

 

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

[suzanoberle]

First, you should find someone to talk to that you can trust...a parent, teacher, pastor/rabbi, or even better, a professional counselor.  It is clear you are in a lot of pain, and talking can help you through it.  Talking to friends on an anonymous board is ok, but not as valuable as a real person.

 

Next, you need to realize something that you already know down deep.  You obviously love Bailey very much, or at least, you love your ideal of who you want Bailey to be.  But as painful as this will be to read, it's clear he doesn't love you.  He might say it, or kiss you, or hang out, but he doesn't love you, and deep down, you know it, or you wouldn't have written this.. This will make you cry (and that's OK), but you need to realize this and make a break. Permanently.   You're hoping for a relationship with the person you want him to be, but that isn't who he is.  He's not going to change.  It won't get better.  He won't change his mind. 

 

You deserve to be with someone who loves you and cares for you and treats you right.    There IS someone out there for you like that.  Yes, it'll take time, maybe years, and yes, you'll probably always love Bailey a little bit, But there is someone out there looking for you as well, and although you can't see it now, in time this pain will get weaker.  Someone who will REALLY love you, someone who wants to build a life with you.  Don't settle.  

 

I know my letter is harsher than some of the others, but I think you need to hear this.  You'll probably always love him a little bit, and maybe when you see him some day in the future, you'll still feel a twinge in your heart.  That's OK, but he's not coming back, because he never was really there at all.  Make the break, and move forward.  It may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you can get through it, and the future ahead is more wonderful than you could imagine.  The only way you'll find that future is to move forward.

[lovewillbesafe]

I agree with a lot of the people above me. You should definitely be more gentle with yourself. You're not crazy, and you're not making bad decisions. The things you are feeling about him are totally valid. It sounds like a large portion of the reason that you're not over him is because you never had a clean break. He has always been in and out of your life. Even if you weren't officially together, at times you were still sort of together. So it definitely hasn't been three years. 

 

If you are looking for advice, then I have two pieces of advice to offer you:

 

Firstly, I would recommend that you remain out of contact with him. Obviously, I am not you nor do I know the full context and history of your life. But based on what you said in your post, it sounds like you might need an extended period of time away from him in order to heal your heart. So I would really recommend ignoring any communication you get from him in the future. 

 

Secondly, I would recommend speaking to a counsellor. I know a lot of people are hesitant when it comes to therapy, but personally, I've found it very helpful. (Although my reason for seeking therapy was more related to a specific mental disorder caused by trauma.) My psychologist always recommends that you don't try and push away your feelings. Instead, you should allow them in, recognize that they are there without holding on to them, and then let them flow away. All while maintaining steady and rhythmic breathing. It sound fluffy to some people, but its actually pretty helpful. 

 

I hope any of that helps! I'm wishing you all the best! 

[sonderlust]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. No one deserves to feel this way, especially about someone they care so deeply for. :(

 

“Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. ...Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love.”

- M. Scott Peck

 

In other words, yes, you may love him. But if it's not being reciprocated and you are not being loved and treated like you should, it's probably time to move on.

 

Most advice someone will give you about this is that you're not supposed to compare people. No two people are the same. Go into new potential relationships with an open mind; hoping and praying they won't be like Bailey, but even better. 

 

I agree with what everyone else has said. Talking about it will do a tremendous amount of good. I went to counseling for a year or so. It really helps you sort through your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. 

 

If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out to me. I'm wishing you all of the best and sending positive thoughts and vibes your way!

 

Remember you are a woman.. you are strong, beautiful, smart, talented, and courageous, you will overcome this.

[Psmucker3]

thank you all so much. I have carefully read and taken your advice into account. It will be a long road to recovery but I will get better everyday. 

 

x