I Can't Do This

[nightfall8705]

I think I've really begun to hate my brother, and I don't feel bad about it.

 

When I was nine, almost ten, my mother had him. She nearly died from heart failure and fluid in her lungs when he was born. He was stillborn and life flighted to another hospital because of a severe calcium deficiency and was revived. After that, my mother was deemed disabled and unable to work and do daily everyday things the way she used to.

 

Being almost ten, and the only other child, with my father disappearing, it was me who had to pick up the slack. Sure, she paid for everything, but I was in charge of cleaning and cooking, and if the baby cried, I had to soothe it. I had to bathe it. Change it. Feed it. Babysit. I had to sleep on the floor on a mattress just in case he cried during the night. When I was a little older, I had to drive an uninsured car with no permit or license just to do the grocery shopping.

 

But I do not blame my mother for this. I did, but I realize that she couldn't do it at the time. It had to be me. When she suddenly died when I was 18, my brother was 8. He found her and it screwed him up. We had to move far away with literally one suitcase for fear of our lives as a result of an extreme family feud between both sides of my family. Our dad briefly came back into the picture, along with his trashy girlfriend, and they lived under horrible conditions. And I do mean horrible. It took two years before social services would do something about it.

 

I got sole custody as legal guardian of my brother on Halloween of 2007. I have raised him completely on my own since then. Many people have thought I was his mother. What kind of person would that have made me if I had a child at 9 years old? Get real, people. I never blamed my brother for this either. It wasn't his fault we were in this situation, but I did what I could to make sure we had a good life, even though I went from a careless 18 year old to full time parent, full time employee, full time anything to start completely over with nothing in a completely new place literally overnight.

 

I however, have my own health issues and have been out of work for a while, and my severe clinical depression, bi-polar tendencies, and borderline personality disorder (coupled with Tourette's syndrome and the severe back spasms I get) have kept me from doing many things.

 

This past December, he turned 18. Our only income now comes in his name and will continue until he is finished with school. My duty as legal guardian has been fulfilled and relieved. I can now be "sister" rather than "parent" first and "sister" later.

 

I made sacrifice after sacrifice for this child. I didn't get to go to college. I didn't get to do what 18 year olds do. I never went out, made mistakes, or had any fun! I had to work to have a home and start completely over. We lost everything that was our mother's. Moving to a new place completely far away was hard. We have food, and our new place is furnished, and has been furnished. We've had several cars in and out of the last few years. We weren't in any debt.

 

I sacrificed a social life. I don't have many friends. I can't go out and have a drink or go dancing or whatever it is people do. Every penny had to make sure we could eat and have a roof over our head. Even to this day, if I get money to spend on myself, it almost always goes towards groceries. Like for Christmas, I was given money for ME. I bought groceries with it. I got nothing for Christmas.

 

In fact, my brother was gone all Christmas. He was staying with his friends and celebrated with their families. I was at home with the dog, who chewed up my Christmas tree. No presents. No gifts under the tree. No thank yous for everything. I was alone.

 

I didn't even get an "I'm sorry" for being gone. I used the rest of my money that I had left to buy my brother a replica of a necklace my mother never took off. She wore it when she died, and I wanted to wait to give it to him when he was 18 so he would have something of hers. I ended up giving it to him at 14, and something happened to it. I searched and searched for an exact replica for him and gave it to him for Christmas this year.

 

He hasn't worn it once.

 

And he got me nothing for Christmas. Of course, I expected nothing.

 

All I wanted from him anyway was a meal with him, Time with him.

 

He's been gone almost 4 days without contacting me at all. Being with his buddies and all. He comes home tonight, and says he's not staying. He's leaving in an hour to go out to eat with his friends. He's not seen those two friends in like a week. I ask him if I can go, and he says no, it's just him and his friends.

 

I ask him to bring me something back, and even give him money to pay for it, and he complains that he can't do it, so I tell him to forget it.

 

He'll be gone another few days since school is out until Tuesday, and then he probably won't even go then. I'm left here alone again with the dog and the cats and the housework and empty cabinets. I don't get a hello, or God forbid a thank you, or an I'm sorry. I have to beg for an "I love you" from him.

 

It's clear that he doesn't need me anymore. He's even said so. He only needs me to be his dog sitter. And I'm not really a dog person at all! He doesn't care about me at all.

 

And people fuss and argue and make me feel lower than dirt because my medical conditions make what I feel so much worse than it already is. People criticize me and degrade me because I can't help but battle myself to keep from my bad habit of cutting. I can't do anything to make myself feel better. My borderline personality disorder makes me feel no love whatsoever from somebody else. I always feel unwanted, unloved, unimportant. I get yelled at and called selfish because I often think of killing myself.

 

Isn't it just as selfish to expect me to live through this kind of pain just to spare YOUR feelings? Does what I feel even matter?

 

You all may think the world of me by the things I post here, but the truth is, there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I were gone. I can't really explain how I feel, but I found an article on BPD that may help explain part of it.

 

http://owndoc.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder-cause-therapy/

 

I try and try and try so hard every day to stay positive. To help everybody else. In reality, I've felt like this my whole life. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like this every single day...

 

And I'm sorry to be so down and negative, but I don't know how much I can take anymore. I don't have anybody to talk to. And I'm not fishing for pity or any of that. Far from it. My cries for help have been for nothing.

 

But that doesn't stop my pillows from being soaked in tears every night. It doesn't stop the pain in my chest, and the signs of a heart attack I've been having. I'm 27. I've lived a crappy life. I wish I could give the rest of my life to someone who wants it. Someone who deserves it. I'm only around to be used by somebody else. I just don't want to be here anymore. I've never felt appreciated for a single day in my entire life.

 

My heart is so broken, that I can barely even feel it anymore. And nobody seems to care.

 

I'm sorry to post this here. I have no one to talk to, and this had to come out. Don't let it bother you. It's not worth it. This too will pass, and I may feel better, but only for a while, before my heart gets ripped out again. I'm used it by now. I don't really want anyone to waste time reading this drivel, but I know someone will, and I'm sorry to bring you down.

[wanderwisp]

First of all, I want to say that I'm terribly sorry for the hand that you've been dealt. It's definitely not fair and it sucks that all of that happened to you.

Second: unfortunately you cannot make anyone be appreciative of what you've done for them, even if you've sacrificed a lot. I wish that people knew when to be appreciative and they knew to show it, but that's sadly not the case most times.

Finally: I know that it's hard he's not around, but think of it this way- you now have more time for yourself! You have more time to do things that you didn't have a chance to do when you were taking care of him! Maybe look at enrolling in some classes at a local college (even community colleges have great programs) and see where that can take you!

 

I hope you finally get to a place where you're feeling better, and I hope that your brother realizes all that you've done for him!

[Naamah D.]

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I can't stand it when people, especially family doesn't appreciate all you've done to help them and improve their lives. Siblings are unfortunately not the kind of people you can expect to be your best friend for life.

I can't go into detail about my stories though.

[nightfall8705]

I appreciate all of that guys. My medical conditions make what I feel so much worse than it should. That's a lot of why I feel like this. Though if my brother showed more appreciation for me, it would help. He has so many luxuries right now. I didn't get those. He should be more thankful, and no I can't make him be appreciative, but I can stop helping him. Then maybe he will appreciate it when he doesn't have it. As for the college thing, I am trying for that. I have to retry in the fall but maybe I can get that done. I hope I can get things done that I want to do now, but this lonesome feeling, I wish I could shake it.

[vhaella]

As harsh as this sounds maybe you should stop supporting him. He is your brother and he will always be your brother and you will always love him, but he sounds very ungrateful and appreciates little to nothing. I am sorry for your unfortunate experiences and wish the best for you.

[Aquamentis12]

Angel, I remember you posting about your brother in the past. I remember the story of you raising him, but not the problem (at that time). You did wonderfully as a big sister, imho. I wish I could give you some advice. The only thing I can think of though, would be "tough love" of a variety that I don't think I could mete out myself. You're in a pinch if the only income is coming with his name. (Or did I read that wrong?) But if you can get some income, and if things continue to decline. Well, then I would consider something drastic like locking the cabinets. Maybe even the door, until he starts pulling HIS weight around there.

 

BUT FIRST! BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING! You NEED to do something for YOU. Check with someone in the city or county government, even if you need to ask the police on who to contact. There ARE programs out there. You sound like the kind of person who'd hate to do a government program thing, but I they were originally created to HELP people. I think you need to look into assistance. Once you're working with the city/county/state and have some help, then you can do whatever you need to do to LIVE. If your brother refuses to take responsibility for himself, then perhaps it will be possible for you to move out, and leave him to take care of himself. He's 18, and if he's got an income, then he'll have to grow up, or learn things the hard way.

 

I know I'd have an almost impossibly hard time doing something like that to a family member. Heck, I stayed by my dad's side until the day he died, taking care of him, DESPITE the hell I had to go through with him. I didn't have any "fun" either. At least none the likes most people those ages have. He wasn't perfect, and he definitely needed someone to be help him at times. Or he would've crashed and burned much more quickly. But enough of that, this is about you. I guess I'm saying, I kinda know what it's like, helping someone who's unappreciative. I'm just too nice-a guy I guess. You already know, better than me, that there are times when you need to bite the bullet and do the HARD option. Well, I think this is the time when you need to do something for YOU. Stress CAN bring on a LOT of problems, psychologically, mentally, and even physically. It can suppress your immune system and worse. If you do nothing else, PLEASE look into getting yourself some assistance! It doesn't have to be forever! Just until you can get on your feet and get the learning or training you need to get a new job. And even then, depending on circumstances, there are leg-up like programs that can help you while you are working, if you meet certain requirements there, like earning under a certain amount.

 

Best of luck to you Angel. I wish I could offer more. :(

[Aboogala]

I think I've really begun to hate my brother, and I don't feel bad about it.

 

And he got me nothing for Christmas. Of course, I expected nothing.

 

All I wanted from him anyway was a meal with him, Time with him.

 

It's clear that he doesn't need me anymore. He's even said so.

 

My heart is so broken, that I can barely even feel it anymore. And nobody seems to care.

 

 

I just kept the parts I wanted to address because that was an awfully long post. I'm probably going to be really unpopular after I say what I am about to say but let me tell what I wish someone had told me.

 

Snap out of it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about the crap situation you're in. You didn't have control over what happened to you or your brother. It was NEVER your responsability to take care of your brother. You did it because you felt obligated but not because it was forced upon you. You may have become his guardian but you're not his mother and you keep expecting him to be grateful for you taking care of him but he won't. A child is NEVER grateful for their parent when they are parenting them. The best way to get over that heartbreak is to stop expecting it. He is never going to understand the sacrafice you made for him until he has to do it himself or he becomes a parent.

 

They say "hate" is such a strong word and here I think it is fitting. I don't think you don't hate your brother, I think you resent him. There is a difference. You gave up your life, willingly, no one forced you to become his guardian. You could have let him go into the foster care system or with another realitive and had your life. I doubt he asked you to take care of him. You could have been selfish. But you weren't. Remembering that it was your choice and everything you had to go through to become his guardian and what it meant to you to keep your family together might be helpful in riding yourself of some of that resentment. Plus, you can dislike your sibling and still love them. But either way, whatever you feel towards him is ok.

 

You say he got you nothing for Christmas but that you wanted him to have dinner with you? Isn't that an expectation? You seem to have a lot of expectations and your brother isn't living up to them. So now it seems like you're resenting your brother for not living up to expectations that he probably doesn't know you had. Did you inform him before hand that you wanted to have a Christmas dinner with him? Because if you guys have dinner all the time it may just be one more meal to him; but if you set aside time and say it was going to be fancy, ect then maybe he wouldn't have made plans with someone else. You have to communicate with him and not just expect him to know. People aren't mind readers, even your brother and before someone says "but family is supposed to be together on christmas" you should know that not everyone feels that way. Your brother is apparently one of those. In addition to that, it might be too painful for him. He might be longing for that big group of family that he no longer has. He is looking for surrogates. The crap part is that he left you out of it. You should tell him that by doing that he hurt you. Just say to him, "you know you left me alone for Christmas and that was hurtful. You went and had a great time with other people when I wanted us to have a nice family meal." Don't say it in an accusing tone, just say it from the heart. Practice what you're going to say a few times so that you don't come across as mean. He will just blow it off or respond unkindly and that won't be helpful.

 

He told you he doesn't need you - did you tell him that you still need him? Because it is abundantly clear that you do. Perhaps now is the time to tell him that it's his turn. You took care of him and now you need him to take care of you. COMMUNICATE. Don't just yell at him or be unreasonable or nagging. Be sincere. Listen to yourself when you talk and ask yourself if someone were saying these exact words, in this exact tone how would you respond? You're going to be emotional, it takes a great deal of effort to admit you need someone else and be that vunerable. He could turn you down, laugh at you, any number of reactions. Be prepared for them. Hopefully he just says ok and helps you.

 

Everyone feels like someone doesn't care about them. This is normal. Everyone thinks about suicide. Everyone thinks about running their car off the road, ect. The difference is that you know there is a genuine problem. You've had a crap life and dealt with things some people can't even begin to understand. You did a really selfless thing in taking care of your brother but now it is time to take care of you. I think you're suffering a bit from PTSD; I recognize it because I experienced it as well. You had to push down everything from dealing with your mother and her death to take care of your brother and now that you no longer have to do that all of these feelings you tried to hold off are coming forward and you cannot deal. NO ONE expects you to deal with these things on your own. No one could - that would be like the Wonder Woman of emotions or something. Someone recommended government programs - don't turn your nose up at them, they are pretty good. They helped me. I turned around and went to school for it.

 

YOU CAN GO TO SCHOOL NOW! w00t! You no longer have someone to take care of, you aren't working, you obviously have a computer and internet - go to school online! I got my psychology degree online at University of Phoenix. The classes are kind of easy, but the material is interesting. If you're on government aid you'll definitely qualify for financial aid and they have scholarships you can apply for and they help you with everything. It's really easy but the work is intense. There are a couple classes in their psychology program that will turn you inside out emotionally. If that is even something you're interested in. My emotional turmoil and escaping it made me want to help others. You could become a counselor, work for the government doing social work or become a domestic abuse advocate like me. The world is your oyster right now. Your brother is giving you back to reigns in your own life and I think it terrifies you so much that the idea of escaping into the void of death seems easier than facing reality. Being sick, being depressed, being scared is exhausting isn't it? I think that's what makes the "relief" that is associated with death or dying so appealing. But are you certain that's what waits for you? You better be certain because over here there is a chance at being at peace that you may not get in death. Death is unknown; to me it has become more scary than life. I know what to expect from life. You have good days and bad days and really super ugly horrific days but then there are days where you want to bathe in the sun's rays because it feels like happiness dancing on your skin and you see sunsets so beautiful, music so catchy, smiles on little kids faces... there's stuff in this world you'll miss if you give up now. I think you're too strong for that. You didn't make it all this way, through all that just to give up now.

 

Wait until you become an aunt...

[nightfall8705]

I already am an aunt, but from a sister I didn't know I had until around when my mother died.

 

As for taking care of him, yes, I had to do it. He had nobody else, and I made a solemn promise to my mother that I refused to break. That was essentially her dying wish.

 

Yes, he knows his "expectations." He knows all that I feel. He knows everything. He knew I wanted to spend time with him, but everybody else in the world is more important to him. And as far as me moving out, no, I just moved. If anybody is going, it'll be him.

 

He knows everything. I've talked and talked to him and he acts like I'm invisible. He doesn't listen to me. He could not care less how I feel.

 

Looking back, maybe I should have let him go to foster care. Neither of us have any real family as it is. Do you think I haven't tried to make things better? When I wrote this post, I didn't expect anyone to understand. The same people who criticized me for stepping up to the plate because nobody else would weren't parents of the year either. I only told a fraction of the story here. I had to do what I did to take care of him. Because leaving an 8 year old who found his mother dead on his first day of school with strangers in places he's never been is beyond cruel. Because nobody wanted him. Because you don't know where you will go or who you will be with. Because with me, he knew he wouldn't be neglected, abused, or abandoned. Because there was nobody else in the world he could trust at the time.

 

In a way, I'm glad he's 18 now. I'm glad he has his "friends" that he can be around. He has the rest of his life ahead of him. I just want mine to be over.

 

As for school, I always had an interest in psychology. How very ironic. :(

[elliekat]

I saw this post while doing my dailies, and I created an account just to write back to you.

 

When you say "He has the rest of his life ahead of him. I just want mine to be over."

 

That's huge. That's serious!

 

Nobody here is qualified to give you advice about your situation. Nobody here understands clinical depression, as well as the other mental health illnesses you've listed. Just because someone may have experienced something similar to you, does not mean they know the situation from your perspective. Everyone's situation is unique, and we can't draw parallels between one another. Mental health doesn't work like that.

 

Telling someone to "snap out of it" is like telling someone with an arm amputation to just grow their arm back. This type of advice is very damaging, and creates barriers when you're trying to help someone. Not everyone thinks of suicide or running their car off the road. You don't have to feel like this! You can get better, you can feel better. It's very clear that everyone here cares about you and wants to help.

 

Are you in the US, or in Canada? You need to contact a community health clinic, a public health nurse, or mental health services. If you don't have something like this in your area, then check the phonebook, there may be a number you can contact for more information. Call your family doctor and make an appointment. Hell, call your dentist office, call your local church or clergy person, call the university even if you don't attend, or call a charity like the salvation army, and ask where you can get free or low-cost community mental health services. They'll point you in the right direction!

 

You describe a lot of sacrifices you have made for your brother. You sound like you've taken amazingly good care of him. But it sounds like you've invested so much into his life, that you haven't taken time to care for yourself. You've lost your mom, you sound as though you have a rocky relationship with your dad, and now a rocky relationship with your brother. Have you taken any time to grieve the losses in your life, the challenges you've faced?

 

Furthermore, it sounds like your brother is your only source of support. You need to start creating a network of people you can lean on. Perhaps look into grief support groups in your area, meditation groups, or even under classfied ads for people who may be looking for a gym or fitness partner. Get some real people, in the flesh, that can see you in person and know when you need a laugh or need a hug. Online support groups have their merit too though - check out reddit, the r/depression board or similar, because you're not the first person who's braved depression, and you won't be the last. You aren't alone, so please don't feel like you're alone :)

 

I'm really worried about you, and the other posters here are as well. Please keep us updated. We want to help. I want to help! Lets explore your options. Hugs!

 

* Edited for spelling :)

[Delshnya]

First of all, hate is a strong word. You may be angry at him, but you don't hate him. I you hate someone, you don't take care of them, you don't worry if they love you or not, and you certainly don't love then.

I don't know your brother, so you may be right and he doesn't love you and care about you at all. But perhaps you don't know what he feels. The last time I told my mother that I love her was probably more than a year ago (I don't remember), but I do love her. Your life hasn't been easy, and although he had it easier, he lost his mother too, and before she died, she was impaired, and he could felt guilty about, like it was his fault (obviously it wasn't his fault), everybody deals with life in a different way, and because someone doesn't look like is hurt, doesn't mean that it isn't. As Aboogala said, celebrating Christmas with you, just the two of you it could be too much for him, be painful (not for you, but because the people missing).

As mention for other people, you spent your life taking care of people, now it is time to take care of you. It is not selfish to do that, it is healthy. A therapist is a good idea (I don't know all the opportunities United States gives), but I would be careful, I've heard that in the U.S. are prescribed antidepressants like who drinks water... I haven't studied psychology, psychiatry or something like that, but in my opinion that is a dangerous and addictive drug, that should only be prescribed in extreme cases, for me it's like those people who self medicate with alcohol, you don't feel pain while under its effects... but you are not solving your problems either. Also, I think you should think about what YOU WANT, not what it is convenient, not what it is expected of you. Think about what kind of life you desire and you think it would make you happy, and then research about how to get there. Obviously that doesn't include other people, since you cannot control them, you cannot make you brother behave the way you want, you cannot make true friends appear from thin air, etc.

[nightfall8705]

Thank you elliekat. The things I left out on this post is so horrible. It's the main cause of my BPD. BPD is one of the worst forms of PTSD, and because of a traumatized childhood, it's close to impossible for me to take a compliment or feel affection of any kind from another person. Couple that with everything else... to somebody with BPD, everything is distorted. If you tell a normal person you love them, they hear "I love you" and respond. If you tell a person with BPD "I love you" then that person hears "The sky is blue." The idea of receiving love or affection from anybody else is foreign to them. It's not the person's fault. That multiplies the feelings from my bi-polar disorder and SCD.

 

I don't mean to worry anybody. I just had nobody to talk to. And I've done well by not hurting myself. I almost can't remember the last time I did it. I want to keep it that way. I'm always alone. My neighbors/friends are hardly ever home just like my brother. Nobody really calls to talk to me. I'm practically in the woods now out of walking distance from town, and I don't have a ride other than my neighbors. My only saving grace is my pets, and good old Stripes (the cat) outside.

 

When my mother died, I had to keep myself together. Things were sketchy. She was embalmed before I even knew she was dead. Her boyfriend at the time literally fistfighted me in front of the cops (despite having his name on nothing) just for me to get the dress she wanted to be buried in. He threatened to kill us and we had to move away and lost everything in the process. His threats put my grandfather in the hospital. He died less than two weeks after my mother did. My dad is currently in a rehab center God knows where. I've seen him twice in the last two years. He was previously in jail. His trashy girlfriend started a mess with him and he asked her and her daughter to leave until everybody calmed down, but they didn't, so he took out his gun and fired a warning shot at their car. Nobody was hurt, but long story short, it took the SWAT team to get him to surrender, but after he took enough hard narcotics to kill three people. The first of the two times I saw him last, he was in the ICU on his deathbed, handcuffed, and in and out of an induced coma. The second time I saw him, he was in the jail. I've not been able to see hm, write him, or talk to him. My brother and I have tried hard to make amends for our sakes with our father... my "family" on my dad's side couldn't care less about me, and those left on my mother's side told me at her funeral that I had to be strong. That God takes the strongest first.

 

Like, who says that to somebody?

 

I didn't have time to grieve. I didn't get that luxury. I didn't get my medicines for years and I couldn't get counseling because I couldn't afford it for years. I live in the US, and in my state, things are pretty limited to my knowledge.

 

To make things worse, those friends I left behind weren't friends at all. Many abandoned me and thought my mother's death was a lie.I guess it was better that I left them. I don't have many friends to this day in person, but I really do try to improve myself and improve the situation, but I can't do it by myself. Somebody else has to do their part too.

This year will be 10 years since she has been gone. It still feels raw like yesterday. It's true that my "brother" is my only source of support, but he's always gone with his buddies. His actions speak much louder than his words.

 

I really do appreciate everyone's helpful replies here. Again, I am sorry to have posted this and bothered or worried anyone...

[Delshnya]

In my opinion blood family is overrated. If they treat you right, fine, but is they are (as a book I read said) toxic people... better get as far as possible. And better be alone than with that kind of people. I know it is hard, but with those people you are never really in company so...

[nightfall8705]

In my opinion blood family is overrated. If they treat you right, fine, but is they are (as a book I read said) toxic people... better get as far as possible. And better be alone than with that kind of people. I know it is hard, but with those people you are never really in company so...

 

You are completely right in that! I have more people "like" family than actual blood family... it's a little sad, but what can you do? *shrug*

 

I'm feeling somewhat better, but It's almost noon where I am and I still haven't gone to bed yet. My grammar is suffering because of it. D:

[Guest JussttBre]

Just sending out some love!

 

You sound like such a strong person with so much care in your heart. It completely sucks when people don't appreciate you; I tend to keep helping people I know don't appreciate it and feeling hurt as well. My situation is not even close to as hard as yours is, but I know what it's like to help your younger sibling when they have nobody only to be used. Hang in there, things will always work themselves out. You still have many many years ahead to make your life perfect and happy for you.

[acorah]

Hey luv - I`ll be sending you a load of positive thoughts.

Marcus x

[nightfall8705]

Thank you all so very much! I am feeling better than i was. I'm hoping this seriously depressive funk I'm in goes away soon. In the meantime, I have my pets to keep me company, and I've managed to calm down and get rid of some of my anxiety. I appreciate you all putting up with me on here. <3

[sgraver]

Good to see you are feeling better. :thumbsup:

 

It must have been tough, having to suddenly take up an adult role at age ten. Sometimes the full effect doesn't become clear until years later.

 

Pets are wonderful companions, and can really help someone who suffers from depression-- even just a furry snuggle every day is great. Take it from someone who knows: I've been through some pretty bad times, but somehow life just gets so much better with Errol (my cat) next to me.

 

That said, though, you may be able to find some affordable (maybe even subsidized?) support services. Use them if you can!

 

Join a group, get involved, anything-- just don't hide away by yourself: build a social network of supportive friends that you can talk to.

[patrickbailey]

How's you now? And good to hear your's.

Take care.