I need some life advice...(school/personal issues)

[Nemireth]

Hi guys! Not sure if anyone recognizes me, I don't really post at all and I'm really more of a lurker... I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to though; I originally joined the forums because of how lonely I'd been feeling, and I wanted to feel like part of some kind of community. That sort of all went down the drain because of my social anxiety though; there's been so many times where I'd type out a post or response but then just delete the entire thing and forget about it. But anyways, the reason I'm writing this is because I've been going through some things for a while now and I really just need someone to talk/vent to and possibly get advice on. I have two major problem areas, my academics and personal issues; I'll divide my post into two sections so maybe you could pick/talk about one or the other if you'd like?

-Academics: I'm currently a junior in college (psychology major, graduating Spring 2018). I haven't exactly transitioned well from high school into college... Gosh, where do I even start? So, all my life my parents have basically tried to convince that I wanted to be a doctor, and as a child I sort of just went with it without a second thought. This continued on to junior year of high school, when I finally had to start thinking seriously about college and what I wanted to do in life, and it sort of just hit me like a train and has overwhelmed me ever since. I wanted to be a doctor, right? But...why? When did I decide this? Was it even me that decided this? Would I really be okay with life as a doctor? What does a doctor even do?!

While I was trying to figure all this out I was taking a class in psych at the time, by the time I finished high school I had taken three total psych classes. Just before fall semester of college started I realized that I actually liked psychology! A-ha! But what would I tell my parents? I talked to them a bit, and with them still thinking I'd head to med school I changed my major to psych (they were aware of this change but kind of protested to each other about me not doing a biomed major instead, as was originally planned). The more time passed, the more I was turning away from med school. The reason why I'd thought that I actually wanted to be a doc in the first place is because I've always had this desire inside me to...well, help people. And that led me to find clinical psychology! Which I've been looking into and really liking...the trouble is that I'm almost a senior and I have nothing, and I mean nothing, on my resume that would get me accepted into any graduate schools!

When I got into college I was going through so many personal issues (that I'll explain next) that I just shut down when I entered college. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't volunteer, didn't get a job, didn't build relationships with my professors, didn't join any clubs and now I hate myself for being such an idiot. The only thing I have is my grades, which are thankfully good... I graduated high school with the International Baccalaureate diploma and already had about 40 credits when I first got into college; so I started as a sophomore and am doing college in 3 years rather than 4. This has actually added pressure for me, as all of a sudden everything's so rushed. People normally start getting volunteer hours and such here in their second/third years and can sort of just adjust in their first year. I spent my first year trying to adjust (and failing) without realizing that I'm on more of time crunch than other students are... So now I'm so close to graduating and I'm panicking because I may not be able to get into any schools to pursue what I want! So overall, I'm being really overwhelmed my college/careers and I have no source of guidance, I was sort of thrown into the mix and told to figure it all out myself. I haven't even fully covered it all here. On top of all of that, my true, true dream career doesn't have anything to do with psychology...in an ideal world, I'd have loved to somehow find a career in writing (I'll get into that next)

 

-Personal Issues: For a long time, I've been dealing with issues that have hurt me on a personal level that I'm not quite sure how to deal with. I used to be quite confident and bubbly when I was small, but once I hit middle school I sort of just shut down... It started getting better in high school, but it's been worsening again ever since I started college. Possibly worse than it was before? I was sort of bullied in middle school for two years by three different sets of people, it was mostly verbal abuse/mocking but 2/3 weren't all that severe (I would never compare what I've been through to others who have been seriously bullied). But 1/3 was particularly salient and followed me a bit into high school as well.

I honestly don't want to get into it to much, lot of how this 1/3 treats me seems to fall under verbal abuse. It involves: being called names, given the silent treatment, told harsh/sarcastic jokes about me (then being yelled at for reacting to them), teasing (crosses the lines), verbal threats about harming themselves or me, being compared to others ("why aren't you more like..."), overall isolating me from others, called me selfish for spending time with others. The thing about this 1/3 is that this isn't a 24/7 thing, it's a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type act, and Mr. Hyde comes out randomly and unpredictably, while Dr. Jekyll is much nicer and all together normal towards me. Usually the Mr. Hyde part comes out when it's about something I'm supposedly doing wrong in terms of my behavior/actions/goals, and it normally only lasts for an hour or so maybe once or twice a month. So most of the time, it's okay. Something to keep in mind, this 1/3 has problems with depression, which I suspect are related to how they sometimes lash out at others (not just me) unpredictably. I try to understand this and control my responses, and it has helped a little.

In regards to the 2/3, they would mainly mock my name and my naivety; I was a pretty innocent kid, I suppose I still am... I never curse and am fairly sensitive. I am also absolutely in love with English literature, I love reading, writing, studying, and even writing school research papers on poetry and fiction. I write poetry and fiction myself as well, though mostly poems so far. If I could make a career out of this, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm the kind of person that gets more excited about giving gifts than receiving them, I love listening to people and trying to give others a reason to smile or laugh. If you came to me in a time of need I would try my best to offer all of my support as well as everything I have in my heart. I also try to be as empathetic and helpful as possible; I've taken several courses about other cultures and about how different people perceive the world differently. I love taking classes in the arts/humanities/anthropology/psychology. I'm introverted and also have social anxiety.

My anxiety had gotten worse since college, since leaving people I know (essentially my safe zones) I've felt extremely lonely and have been unsuccessful in making new friends (hence partially why I joined TDN Forums). Last year my anxiety mounted to be having mild to severe OCD issues, to the point where I'd be in tears almost daily. However, since I do study psychology after all I was able to do some research and apply treatment methods to myself, and my problems with OCD are actually almost non-existent now! My social anxiety, however, is still bad. The last thing I'll talk about that's really been hurting me is something that rears its foul head in the news, in politics, in comments sections, basically everywhere. I'm not going into specifics, but basically I'm part of this minority that isn't exactly treated nicely by everyone. You may be able to guess what it is and you can pm me about it if you'd like, I feel a bit uncomfortable about speaking on it too publicly still. The hatred that comes through in all forms of media hurts. It scares me. And for every one encouraging/loving thing I find, I can find ten more hateful ones. It's been present my entire life and only worsens my feelings of loneliness and sadness.

 

Well, I suppose that's most of it...I went off topic frequently but hopefully this makes some semblance of sense to you. I guess I won't mind too much if I don't get any responses, it was nice just getting it all out. 

[suzanoberle]

Others can give better advice, but a couple quick points.  You're still dealing with issues from middle school, and you have to be at least 19 or 20 now.  Those people are long out of your life, but you're still letting them affect you.  Sounds like you need to talk to a counselor or someone to process this and get help with  your anxiety and OCD so you can move on.  By the way, EVERYONE feels socially anxious lots of the time, even extroverts.  If it's seriously affecting your life, then get help.  It sounds like you have a lot of love to share...there are others who are lonely too who would enjoy your friendship.

On the other topic,   Psychologists aren't medical Drs. (that's psychiatrists) , but still require advanced degree training.  You are worried about not getting in, but haven't even applied yet.  Sounds like your grades are strong. If you had a bunch of premed classes, I'm sure you have a good shot.  Talk to the career center and find out what the schools really are looking for; I suspect it isn't what you  believe.  Do what you can to improve your chances, volunteer or whatever, but worrying about what hasn't happened yet isn't helpful.  There's no reason to think you WON'T get in. Even better, you can have a plan B (writing).  

If writing is really your passion, talk to a counselor at the college about career paths in that area.  I'm sure they can make suggestions.  Also, if you stick with clin. psych, try joining one of the writing clubs that I'm sure are on your campus.  If not, start one!  Hang flyers and find a place to meet.  You'll meet like-minded individuals and have a great time, plus encourage each other. 

As for politics, well, there are some scary things going on, but the best way to feel better is to get involved and work toward change.  I personally was very unhappy with the results of the current election.  Some may love him...I don't.  But I attended the women's march the next day and found it was encouraging and inspirational. Part of democracy involves working toward your goals.  You won't regret it.

 

 

 

 

[alexinwonderland]

So, I'm not sure I can help much but, I can say you're not in a dire position for grad school. It's February. Go to your college career center, in person or online, and see what internships are available. There might not be any for spring left but, there will definitely be summer one's up there. I hire all the interns for my business and now is when I start looking for new candidates for summer. Use the resources of the center, that's what they are there for.

If there are spring ones, send your resume off to all of them. Don't worry about not having a lot of prior experience - put what classes you're taking, your gpa, etc. We don't hire interns expecting they already know what they're doing. If you can string a sentence together in a cover letter or writing sample, and have a decent gpa, it's usually enough for me. If there aren't any spring internships available, look for volunteer opportunities in the community. Shelters, soup kitchens, reading to under privileged kids - all of that is great. Tutoring also looks good on a resume and technically is considered work experience. 

As far as the anxiety, you're not alone. College is an extremely stressful time for most people. Doing it in three years and feeling pressure from your family is just going to add to that. You're in the psych program at your school - do they or the school medical center (if there is one) offer the students sessions? It may be as simple as having an unbiased person to talk through your issues or vent. Or it could be you might need a bit more assistance. I suffer from serious depression and social anxiety so I get it. If you want to talk privately, I'm around.

[Nemireth]

10 minutes ago, suzanoberle said:

You're still dealing with issues from middle school, and you have to be at least 19 or 20 now.  Those people are long out of your life, but you're still letting them affect you.  Sounds like you need to talk to a counselor or someone to process this and get help with  your anxiety and OCD so you can move on.  By the way, EVERYONE feels socially anxious lots of the time, even extroverts.  If it's seriously affecting your life, then get help.  It sounds like you have a lot of love to share...there are others who are lonely too who would enjoy your friendship.

On the other topic,   Psychologists aren't medical Drs. (that's psychiatrists) , but still require advanced degree training.  You are worried about not getting in, but haven't even applied yet.

Thank you so much for replying! I'll try to take your advice to heart. The thing is, that 1/3 I talked about? They're someone who's been in my life since birth and whom I will forever have in my life, and while the way they've treated me has gotten a little better they still lash out from time to time quite painfully...I actually live with them, and they've affected the others I live with as well. We all have issues with depression/anxiety. As for my own anxiety, it's basically like I physically cannot communicate in a purely social setting. If it's a work setting I can force it though. I have heart palpitations, my vision blots out, I shake, and I get this out-of-body feeling/experience. I feel like it's best summed up by these quotes by two other people: " Social Anxiety will make you do weird things, such as holding onto an apple core for 45 minutes during a meeting because you’re too anxious to go to the trash can that’s 10 feet away " "or waiting for someone else to throw out their apple core so you know it’s okay but waiting a few minutes after they do so you don’t look like you were waiting for them and trying not to stumble because you know everyone is watching you walk and feeling really proud and relieved when you arrive back at your seat after having successfully thrown away an apple core like it’s a difficult task i feel this too much".  Apply this to every situation and that's basically me...it's even impossible for me to eat in public. I've also gone to counselors about my career, and they've told be I need at least 2-3 years of research experience if I want to get into clinical psych. But I'll try different counselors and head to the career center soon!

 

17 minutes ago, alexinwonderland said:

So, I'm not sure I can help much but, I can say you're not in a dire position for grad school. It's February. Go to your college career center, in person or online, and see what internships are available. There might not be any for spring left but, there will definitely be summer one's up there. I hire all the interns for my business and now is when I start looking for new candidates for summer. Use the resources of the center, that's what they are there for.

If there are spring ones, send your resume off to all of them. Don't worry about not having a lot of prior experience - put what classes you're taking, your gpa, etc. We don't hire interns expecting they already know what they're doing. If you can string a sentence together in a cover letter or writing sample, and have a decent gpa, it's usually enough for me. If there aren't any spring internships available, look for volunteer opportunities in the community. Shelters, soup kitchens, reading to under privileged kids - all of that is great. Tutoring also looks good on a resume and technically is considered work experience. 

As far as the anxiety, you're not alone. College is an extremely stressful time for most people. Doing it in three years and feeling pressure from your family is just going to add to that. You're in the psych program at your school - do they or the school medical center (if there is one) offer the students sessions? It may be as simple as having an unbiased person to talk through your issues or vent. Or it could be you might need a bit more assistance. I suffer from serious depression and social anxiety so I get it. If you want to talk privately, I'm around.

Thank you for your words! I guess I am a little overly-panicked, it's just that the way I don't really have many people to turn to for advice about this and the way my school counselors frame everything, they make it seem like it'll be really tough for me to make it. I'll try the career center as you say, their site isn't very organized and I don't even know where they're located on campus. And thanks for letting me know about the prior experience thing, that has really been weighing heavy on my mind for a while. I feel as though I need to get experience through internships/research positions, but to get these positions I need to already have experience... *shakes head* it's awfully confusing, and everyone's been giving me mixed signals. I really don't know if I could tutor, my anxiety wouldn't exactly be nice to me in that setting. And I believe there might be one, however I have little time between classes and also live 40 minutes away from campus, and since I don't have a car I have to be driven by my parents (who are on tight schedules themselves). I guess I'd have to just skip class if I really wanted to go? And thanks for the offer! I might take you up on that.

[ranga_muffin]

Hey, so I was a psych student (in Australia though), so I totally get where your concern is coming from regarding experience. Honestly, the thing I would do, and the thing I did do, was volunteer at my local community health centre. Now I don't really know if you have those in the US, but there would be something similar I imagine. We actually have three year degrees here, followed by an optional fourth year which is taught+research, so for the most part, I don't think any psych students here realllly start volunteering etc. until second year (so you still have time!). I don't know what your counsellor is on about with the 2-3 years of research experience prior to grad school - i mean that is the point of grad school???! You might also have some kind of psych centre on campus that you could look into helping out at? If it's too difficult to enquire about volunteering/interning in person, try emailing them first off. It's not necessarily as effective as calling, but it's better than nothing, and it's good to start somewhere. What is most important though, is that you try an accept the situation you feel you're in, and understand that it is okay to feel behind in grad school prep, and to then start tackling the problem one step at a time. Try not to allow it to overwhelm you. There are always alternative routes to get where you want to go. 

Perhaps you may want to consider seeing a psychologist or counsellor yourself for help with the social anxiety? It sounds as though it is quite debilitating for you, and it cannot be a pleasant way for you to live. You may already do this, but there are some breathing exercises, or you could practice mindfulness etc. to try and help you relax too. I absolutely understand your social anxiety, and for that matter your social experience at college. It's really tough, but try to not beat yourself up about it. Maybe just do something slightly out of your comfort zone every now and then and work up to increased communication with others. What someone said above is true, we do all get socially anxious, obviously to different degrees, but most people will understand if you are anxious, and if they don't they probably wouldn't be a good friend to have anyway. 

Feel free to message me too, if it would help :)

[shelleylynn2015]

I just created an account on this site after over 10 years of browsing just to tell you that it gets better.

I am 28 and it took me this long to finally feel like myself. I have struggled with depression, panic disorder, and PTSD.

I am a woman, a native american, a liberal, an atheist, and a humanist and I live in OKlahoma - the reddest (most conservative leaning) state in the country. The world is a scary place for minorities sometimes, but we get through together. You are never alone.

I was morbidly obese throughout school and constantly mocked. I also have a name that is easy to make fun of. We were poor and literally wore clothes we got in the dumpster after a community yard sale. 

At home, there was drug use, alcoholism, and mental abuse - I was belittled by step parents and told I was pathetic by a biological parent... It is damaging. 
 

I am so proud of you for reaching out for support. You are a strong person. We can not change our past, only learn from it. Whoever this person is that you feel you will never be able to escape needs to know how you feel. I don't know the details of the situation, but if it is a parent - I relate so much. If it is a sibling, I can also relate. You can not be prisoner to your relationships with others. I hope that you can become more empowered to express who you are and be proud of it. Please continue reaching out and seeking those who have been through what you have been through so you can get the support you need and deserve. It took courage to decide to make your own decisions regarding your studies and potential future careers. Don't forget your strength.

[cassandrastorm]

Hi! My heart goes out to you. I can see that you have been hurt and that you are hurting. I can also see that you have already accomplished a lot already - so good for you! Try to be kind to yourself even when others are not so kind. I think you are brave for reaching out to others. I also think that you have a good deal of insight, and that knowledge can be power for you, your current situation and the choices you make in the future.

You have been exposed to many toxic people, and it is great that you can see that they are toxic. The next step is to work on feeling strong about yourself. I don't know you, will probably never meet you, but I can tell that you are a good person and a wise person. I hope that you can begin to find others around you who are also good and kind, That will help to offset the negativity that the toxic people give you. Perhaps following those other interests you have : writing (see if there is a writing group - online or in person) reading (perhaps a book club that meets at you local library, bookstore or on campus) anthropology class/discussion group. One of my daughters has social anxiety and doing theatre actually helped her deal with it, when she had to give presentations in class, for example.

As for school/grad school/career: there are many paths to the same destination. You don't necessarily need to go right into grad school. It sounds as if you are a little ahead of others your age. Consider a year to work (really at any job) and/or volunteer - at a library, after school program at a community center, at a senior citizen facility, Peace Corps, Teach for America - there are a variety of options if you can open up your search. If your basic desire is to help others, there are many ways to do that, being a medical doctor is not the only option. Perhaps if you find a volunteer position that inspires you to help others, while gaining valuable experience, then your family may begin to see that as a viable alternative. Some volunteer situations involve doing work by yourself (organizing, writing, filing) or in small groups, so being an introvert isn't always a hindrance - it can be an asset, depending on the situation.

As for the political situation right now...yes, it is bad. It is so sad that now some people feel they can be vocal about their prejudices. But I also see more people joining protests and organizations that fight against all aspects of injustice. It may help if you seek out a group that speaks to your specific concerns ( and, no I can't tell which minority you belong to, but I know that too many people are being unjustly treated for too many "reasons").

You have reached out, and that is a wonderful step to take. Keep on going - you can do it, whatever it is!

[Midgetlegs]

So much of what you wrote applies exactly to my life to the point that it's eerie. I'm not great with advice, so I don't want to get lengthy with my response. I will say that the great thing about writing is that you can do it in the small moments of time between things. Every time you write, you're improving your ability at it. I think it's kind of an amazing time for writers because you can do all the writing and publishing yourself if you want to. You're limited only by your own dedication. Yeah, it can most definitely be difficult to make a living at it, but if you're passionate about it, it doesn't necessarily have to be the thing that pays the bills, you know?

Politics-wise, yeah, things are...not good. There's a lot of fear and hate being brought to the surface right now. I know it's not the most helpful thing to say, but hold on to the goodness you find. Things will change, even if it looks like things are backsliding at the moment.