Meeting/Confronting my birth parents.

[Koakuma_Heaven]

Don't wanna upset anyone so I'm just gonna throw a Trigger Warning down here for mentions of child abuse-physical and mental.

 

VERY long story short(er)-

 

My biological parents were very young when I was conceived (Father was 20, assuming Mother was of similar age). Before my birth, one left the other (circumstances unclear) and by the time I was born my Mother was with another man who's name I don't know, lets call him 'Mark'.

 

My Father's parents would have me on some weekends, but to my knowledge my father didn't have any contact. I'm told that my mother would often leave me hungry and in soiled nappies for long periods of time, and that the house was somewhat of a hangout for local teens to get high.

 

When I was about 6 months my grandmother (paternal) took me to the hospital with what seemed to be a hurt arm, the hospital called social services as- from what I'm told- the majority of my bones had been broken. I was taken into foster care while Social Services investigated.

 

In foster care my paternal Grandparents (I don't know if my maternal did, or even knew I existed) visited me and were eventually granted custody. My Mother didn't visit once, neither did my Father. The SS tried to charge 'Mark' (mother's boyfriend) with child abuse but my Mother refused to testify against him so he was let free.

 

I was raised by my paternal grandparents as my 'mum' and 'dad' with my biological father as my brother. I have a lot of issues from my grandparent's upbringing but that's a whole 'nother set of issues.

 

So..back to the topic, I keep going back and forth on how I feel about this, getting in touch with my bio mother would likely mean a lot of paperwork, contacting social services etc. I can contact my bio Father easily enough but until recently I never even thought of him as that, I thought of him as an irresponsible big brother who gets women pregnant and then runs off (10 kids and counting).

 

Sorry to rant, it's something I don't talk about often but I wanted to get it out. I also wonder what an 'outside' view of the situation is. Especially with my Mother, I don't know wether to pity someone who was obviously in a bad situation, hate her for what she let happen to me, feel nothing because she obviously feels nothing for me?

 

TL;DR- I'm a big whining baby. Do I meet my Mum and Dad?

[TheNeonHyena]

Well it's an emotionally rough area, sugar. What are you wanting to gain from the confrontation? Are you seeking answers to "Why did you let this happen?" or are you just needing the closure that might come with it? I wouldn't call them your mom and dad. They just happen to be the people that popped you out into this world. The people that raised you, took care of you, fed you, clothed you, cared for you when you were ill, and in general loved you, those are your parents. My adopted sister also was removed from her biological parents because of abuse, and at 26 she opted to meet her birth mother. It was a very emotionally trying time for her, but her mother was no longer the woman that had abused and abandoned her. She had gotten help and changed, quit using drugs, gotten a college education and was in a stable career. There's a possibility that could happen for you and there might be a chance of rekindling some sort of relationship. If you're just looking to meet them because you're angry with the past, it might not be as cathartic as you hope. All that pent up anger often seems misdirected when you finally confront them years later, especially if the person has changed their ways.

 

I would speak to a psychiatrist about this to explore the reasons why, that way you won't make a decision that ends up being more emotionally damaging to you. It might also be a good idea to see if your can get information about your biological mother BEFORE you truly decide if you want to meet her. Talk to a social worker to see what your options are.

 

Edit: You are NOT being a big whiny baby. This is of importance to you.

[grouchyeve]

I found out when my Mom passed that my Dad wasn't my Dad. I went on a Quest to find my real Dad and family. There are many forums and even Craig's List is a good source. If you know her name and DOB you are almost there!

 

Good Luck and if you need help let me know

[nightfall8705]

TheNeonHyena took the words out of my mouth. I agree with everything they said, but I have to add this: every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child.

 

I commend you for being so strong. I know it doesn't seem like it, but the past molded you into who you are now. Those things you endured? It's made you stronger. It's taught you a lesson. An example to never reflect with your own future children. Use these lessons to empower you.

 

My relationship with my own parents have been extremely rocky, and I grew up loathing my father until it nearly completely consumed me. The same can be said for my mother's various boyfriends throughout my childhood, but only when I was able to say I forgave them and mean it did I find any release. You have more than a right to be angry and demand answers, but holding on to said anger doesn't hurt them, it only hurts you. Please keep that in mind.

 

I send you lots of love and positivity to help guide you through this situation, hun. <3

[Koakuma_Heaven]

Thanks so much for the responses guys <3 <3

 

It feels a bit better to know other people have gone through similar situations. I'm trying to get hold of my social services records at the moment and learn more about the situation before I meet my biological mother. I think I need to definitely take the advice from you guys and not meet her in anger, at the moment I'm angry, sad, curious and a million other things, I need to be sure I can meet her and not just slap her or burst into tears.

 

Again, thanks for the advice, given me some stuff to think about :)