Funerals and Our Culture

[Novelista]

We've talked about a lot of these in the cultural traditions thread, but it looks like we're headed for a new one.

 

 

I believe it was Siniri who said that people ignore funeral processions these days. My dad is a funeral assistant and he's mentioned before that people don't stop for processions.

 

I once crossed the street in front of a procession, because I didn't know about it back then. Oh, did I catch hell!

[Novelista]

My mom feels that way, so we kind of did it like a dress rehearsal when her father died. People told stories I hadn't heard (and my mom told the one I couldn't tell) and we had a luncheon with cookout-y foods. (I helped my grandma make a lot of it and my uncle did the brats all himself!)

[HomuraAkemiTheHero]

People in my family still stop for funeral processions. WE did once a few weeks ago because there was a fire nearby one of my relative's house and a trailer caught on fire because the people living there were burning leaves on a windy day and some of the flames were still live and a man who lived there died and there was another house next to that trailer where they had the funeral which said to slow down because there was a funeral taking place. Also I think there was something about wearing black to funerals but I've never did it and I don't know if anyone still does that at all.

[Novelista]

If not black, then definitely dark colors.

 

Someday, I want to buy a red dress for funerals, because for quite a few years, I've wanted to wear red for mourning. (Completely opposite of the Japanese tradition of wearing red at weddings, I know, but that's me.)

[siniri]

Apparently my grandmother's favorite color was purple, and so my mom wanted us to wear purple -- except she forgot to tell me until I arrived in Florida with my dark gray dress and several somber skirt-and-top combos, but my only purple shirt left behind in Georgia. So I borrowed a way-too-big top from my sister, we safety-pinned the two sides together in the back, and I threw a blazer on over it.

 

I forget where, but I heard that in some places, they wear white for funerals.

 

Another interesting tidbit about Japan: even though chrysanthemum is the national flower, it is typically reserved for the dead, so it's not a good idea to give chrysanthemums to a living person.

[decchild]

A lot of East Asian cultures (ie the Chinese and Japanese) wear white at funerals. I remember at my mother's funeral, some really old-school Asian relatives (mum was half Chinese) wore white while the more modern ones of us who were educated in the West wore black.

[leverhelven]

I forget where, but I heard that in some places, they wear white for funerals.

 

 

In the Northeast part of Brazil it's typical to wear white for funerals -- one of the traditions of Afro-Brazilian religions. Apart from that, it's typically black. I wouldn't mind wearing white, but my Mom taught me that black is important for funerals and graveyards because it blocks all the negative energy that typically surrounds death - white would absorb it. So I wear it more as a protection.

 

I see you guys talking about processions and crossing in front of them - I don't think I know what you're talking about :P What does a procession consist of?

[Novelista]

A funeral procession consists of cars going to the cemetery. The lead car is always the coach (what others call the hearse), followed by the limo and any cars belonging to family members that aren't riding in the limo. After that, it's first come, first in line--you drop your window when you pull in and tell the funeral assistant who greets you whether you'll be going to the cemetery. If you go, you'll be given a magnetic flag to put on your hood--it's orange with a black cross in the center and the cross reads "funeral"--and you go park in the line-up. If you don't go, there will be more assistants to direct you into parking spaces.

 

After the funeral (or rather, after everyone stops talking and gets into their cars), everyone will turn their lights on, the funeral assistants will step out into the street with giant stops signs for cross traffic and everyone will head to the cemetery. Depending on where the cemetery is and how many people there are in the procession, the line can grow quite big. (I remember one procession where the girl had committed suicide...the assistants triple parked us and it seemed like the line went forever.) When you get to the cemetery, the assistants will take the flags back and you can go to the luncheon or go home as it pleases you.

 

Etiquette dictates that you are to treat a funeral procession like an emergency vehicle: pull over and wait for them to pass (or stand at the crosswalk and wait, even if the walk light is on, as I learned). If you see them on the freeway, let them pass you...don't get in a hurry. Once, I got stuck at a stoplight because a procession was on its way through...in that case, you just sit there at the intersection until they're gone and proceed as normal.

 

Sometimes (but rarely do they do it), the family can pay extra and swap the luncheon and the cemetery. My dad did that when my grandma died, except being an employee, that was his "discount"--he didn't have to pay extra. In that case, we had the funeral mass, went to the church hall for food and then got into our vehicles and rode to the cemetery. (My dad and I rode with my aunt and uncle...nice to have the company.)

 

When the funeral home's last office manager passed away, the body was present for the funeral, but since she was going to be cremated, there was no procession. In that instance, we all filed out in back of the funeral home, watched as the casket was loaded into the coach and listened as the officiant said a few more things. The door was shut and the coach took off like it was going somewhere...but in reality, they just circle around the block (or a few blocks) until everyone takes off. At that point, they'll move the casket into one of the vans and take off for the crematorium. (My dad didn't get that run because he wasn't officially on duty...that and I would've been stuck in the office for the 90 minutes or so it takes to get there and back, since I wouldn't want to have gone.)

[dawnshine]

As a general respect to people mourning their deceased loved ones, I will stop for funeral processions. Although I doubt the deceased really cares and I wouldn't give a hoot if anyone had a funeral procession for me, let alone stop for one.

 

I think people really complicate death and make it into something far more depressing than it needs to be, but hey, whatever is your cup of tea. I don't see a point in mourning the inevitable.

[Novelista]

I think people really complicate death and make it into something far more depressing than it needs to be...

Abso-freaking-lutely!

 

Do you know how many people refuse to make arrangements ahead of time, because they think it's "too morbid" or "too depressing"? Too many!

 

I've never asked the pre-arrangement people (I didn't see them Tuesday night), but I bet it's only like one in four people that they contact actually make arrangements.

[AJ11]

I try to be respectful if a funeral passes and I think most other people here in the uk do the same. I do it out of respect for the mourners as much as anything.

 

Its traditional here to wear black for funerals but my mum wanted everyone to wear the brightest colours they could. In theory that sounds fine but on the day of my mothers funeral when I put on my bright pink skirt and jacket, I hated it, it felt so wrong to be pretending to be so cheerful and bright when I wanted to hide in a big black hole or at least lots of black clothes. After the funeral I couldnt wait to get out of those clothes and I have never felt that I could wear them again either, but havent managed to get rid of them yet either which is strange too.

 

I really would have prefered to wear black.

 

My funeral is pretty much sorted I have everything chosen even down to the music I want, doesnt seem so creepy once you make your will, its just sensible to get it done with.

[leverhelven]

A funeral procession consists of cars going to the cemetery. The lead car is always the coach (what others call the hearse), followed by the limo and any cars belonging to family members that aren't riding in the limo. After that, it's first come, first in line--you drop your window when you pull in and tell the funeral assistant who greets you whether you'll be going to the cemetery. If you go, you'll be given a magnetic flag to put on your hood--it's orange with a black cross in the center and the cross reads "funeral"--and you go park in the line-up. If you don't go, there will be more assistants to direct you into parking spaces.

 

After the funeral (or rather, after everyone stops talking and gets into their cars), everyone will turn their lights on, the funeral assistants will step out into the street with giant stops signs for cross traffic and everyone will head to the cemetery. Depending on where the cemetery is and how many people there are in the procession, the line can grow quite big. (I remember one procession where the girl had committed suicide...the assistants triple parked us and it seemed like the line went forever.) When you get to the cemetery, the assistants will take the flags back and you can go to the luncheon or go home as it pleases you.

 

Etiquette dictates that you are to treat a funeral procession like an emergency vehicle: pull over and wait for them to pass (or stand at the crosswalk and wait, even if the walk light is on, as I learned). If you see them on the freeway, let them pass you...don't get in a hurry. Once, I got stuck at a stoplight because a procession was on its way through...in that case, you just sit there at the intersection until they're gone and proceed as normal.

 

Sometimes (but rarely do they do it), the family can pay extra and swap the luncheon and the cemetery. My dad did that when my grandma died, except being an employee, that was his "discount"--he didn't have to pay extra. In that case, we had the funeral mass, went to the church hall for food and then got into our vehicles and rode to the cemetery. (My dad and I rode with my aunt and uncle...nice to have the company.)

 

When the funeral home's last office manager passed away, the body was present for the funeral, but since she was going to be cremated, there was no procession. In that instance, we all filed out in back of the funeral home, watched as the casket was loaded into the coach and listened as the officiant said a few more things. The door was shut and the coach took off like it was going somewhere...but in reality, they just circle around the block (or a few blocks) until everyone takes off. At that point, they'll move the casket into one of the vans and take off for the crematorium. (My dad didn't get that run because he wasn't officially on duty...that and I would've been stuck in the office for the 90 minutes or so it takes to get there and back, since I wouldn't want to have gone.)

 

Oh my... we have nothing even remotely similar to that here! Though as I was reading your post, I remembered having read about it in Stephen King's Pet Sematary, when (book spoiler if you click the button)

his toddler son dies

.

 

I think the closest thing we have to processions is when a great politician or public figure dies. Then they may - or may not - drive thru the streets with their coffin on a big car for people to go on the streets and mourn, if they want. But that's it...

 

I still find it weird to have a luncheon before/after. I'd hate to be around so many people if someone I loved died - I prefer keeping it to myself. And I don't think I'd be able to eat anything, I usually feel very sick following the death of someone close, and I eat very little to nothing. Otherwise I end up throwing up.

[Novelista]

Aww, Lev! *hugs*

 

 

The vast majority of funerals take place at eleven, so everyone is ready for lunch after. The funeral I went to a few weeks ago, they took too long at the cemetery, so we ended up leaving before they got there. That was kind of sad, because there was a meatloaf and pies and cookies and cake...xP

 

After the office manager's service, they went to a local restaurant. I think it might have been pay-for-your own, which is highly unusual. My dad and I got dinner from Wendy's instead and took it home. Yummy. :)

[leverhelven]

 

After the office manager's service, they went to a local restaurant. I think it might have been pay-for-your own, which is highly unusual. My dad and I got dinner from Wendy's instead and took it home. Yummy. :)

 

I don't think I understand xD Does the deceased's family usually pay for the meals?

[Novelista]

I think a lot of times, when it's a church funeral, there's a ladies' group that does the food. (I'm certain that was the case with the last one I went to.)

 

In some cases, yes, the decedent's family provides the food. When my Grandpa Prescott passed away, it was in January and we didn't have the celebration of life until summer. My uncle grilled a lot of bratwurst, my grandma and I made pies and a bucket of potato salad...I don't know if the church ladies provided any food, but they definitely helped with the serving so we could spend time with our guests and eat.

[siniri]

It's interesting, because I've never heard of the luncheon thing, either (though I know my church has a hospitality group that assists with funerals -- I don't know exactly what they do).

 

For funeral processions here, you can only tell if it's there if there's a cop at the intersection, you see the hearse, or notice all the cars in a line with their lights on (harder to tell now that most cars have daytime running lights). There aren't any funeral magnets. When my friend died, it was about a mile from the funeral home to the cemetery. It was a left turn into the cemetery, and since it was midday, few cars were coming by anyway -- and when one did, the people just let them through before making the turn, because the line was massive -- probably 3-4 times the entire distance, at least. There was one traffic light that we had to drive through to get there, and a cop directed traffic (again letting the occasional car through, but never enough for people to lose sight of the line).

 

Firefighters, cops, and military get honor guards along the procession. Thanks to a certain "church" protesting funerals, there's a group of motorcycles who will ride between the procession and the protestors so the family won't have to see/hear them (they threaten to protest funerals across the country a few times a year, but rarely follow through -- this motorcycle brigade comes out whenever they threaten it).

 

For military funerals, there are a few traditions. One is the multi-gun salute (the higher the rank, the more guns). Another is the "missing man" formation fly-over, where one plane splits off from the others.

[leverhelven]

 

Firefighters, cops, and military get honor guards along the procession. Thanks to a certain "church" protesting funerals, there's a group of motorcycles who will ride between the procession and the protestors so the family won't have to see/hear them (they threaten to protest funerals across the country a few times a year, but rarely follow through -- this motorcycle brigade comes out whenever they threaten it).

 

 

Aw God, is it the

Westboro Baptist Church

?

 

They depress me so much I can't even... I won't even let myself get started on them.

 

Anyways, I find this whole car procession quite interesting. Here in Brazil funerals always happen in a Chapel inside the cemetery itself -- or at max across the street, as it happened with one of my Grandmas, but even then it's uncommon. We had to wait for the light to go red so we could cross, coffin and all, and the feeling was super weird. I can only imagine what the people in the cars who stopped at the light were feeling...

 

Once, when I was a child, I was visiting my sick Grandma at the hospital. I took the lift with my father, and when we entered the lift itself, there was a staff member with one of those metal tables with wheels, and a large white 'box' on it. My father said nothing. I found that "thing" weird, but didn't give it a second though. Only years later would I realize that was a body being taken away.

[AJ11]

In my part of the Uk .. not sure if this is also accross all of the uk or just the north of England

 

When someone dies the neighboring houses keep their curtains at the front of the house closed until after the persons funeral has taken place and no one hangs out washing or plays music. I can remember that it was a bit of a scandal when I was a child if someone accidentally opened their curtains when a neighbor had died. My mother pinned ours so that we wouldnt open them accidentally.

 

It includes all the surrounding houses but Im not sure how far along the street you stop ?? never had to work that out as it was always either very close or very far .. I expect it is if you knew the person well enough.

 

Does anyone else do this?

 

Usually after the funeral the family provide food and drink for the mourners, sometimes this is near the church or at the persons home, depending how many people are expected

[Novelista]

Their patriarch, died, Lev...I haven't heard yet if they've done any protesting since.

 

 

Here in the States, the procession is allowed to keep on driving right through the red light, primarily because everyone stops for them.

 

I could imagine how freaky that box would be. My dad uses body bags when he goes to pick up clients, so I'm sure that's not much better.

[siniri]

When we rode from my grandma's house to the cemetery (1.5 hours each way) for my grandfather's funeral, I sat in the middle of the front seat of the hearse. The funeral director kind of carelessly tossed a small white box on the seat between her and me, and as we were riding I started wondering where the cremated remains were, thinking "Surely she would have been more careful with them, but that was the only thing she had..." Right around the same time, my sister whispered over at me "You know what's in that box, right?"

 

And then when we got to the cemetery, my grandma came over and said "I heard you got to ride right next to Grandpa; you're so lucky."

 

[Yes, I was referring to that organization. I hadn't heard that their patriarch had died; I pray that he experience the fulness of God's mercy. (I try not to refer to them by name; they seem to crave publicity, and I'm not a fan of giving them any.)]

[leverhelven]

When we rode from my grandma's house to the cemetery (1.5 hours each way) for my grandfather's funeral, I sat in the middle of the front seat of the hearse. The funeral director kind of carelessly tossed a small white box on the seat between her and me, and as we were riding I started wondering where the cremated remains were, thinking "Surely she would have been more careful with them, but that was the only thing she had..." Right around the same time, my sister whispered over at me "You know what's in that box, right?"

 

And then when we got to the cemetery, my grandma came over and said "I heard you got to ride right next to Grandpa; you're so lucky."

 

[Yes, I was referring to that organization. I hadn't heard that their patriarch had died; I pray that he experience the fulness of God's mercy. (I try not to refer to them by name; they seem to crave publicity, and I'm not a fan of giving them any.)]

 

Yes, I too try to avoid writing their name, especially because of Google Alerts. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but boy! at times like these I sure hope they do exist, so that people like them can go and burn forever.

 

Siniri, your experience is so disturbing. How could a funeral director be so careless? Gee.

 

I've read that in Japan the family members pick up together the bone pieces that remain among from the ashes with hashi. It seems it's the only time it's socially accepted for two people to hold the same thing with their hashi, for often two family members have to lift heavier pieces together. Thus it's unpolite and also bad luck when, on "common" occasions, such as meals, two people take the same piece of food at the same time with their hashi.

 

edit: *hashi = chopsticks