What's your damage?

[Zorse]

I sure do have things that interfere with my life. I'm really sick and live in an excruciating amount of pain every second of my life. No pain killers work, and the one pill that does work... well, insurance won't cover more than 9 pills a month and I need one or two every day just to get by. I'm to the point now to where I can't ride horses which was my ultimate passion in life... and I can't even go outside or go out in public anymore unless I'm super drugged up, which makes me sick so I feel horrible anyways. Nothing helps me feel like a normal kid. I've been sick my whole life but went into super bad pain when I was 12, and each month, each year the pain becomes even worse. I don't even know what it feels like to not hurt.

 

Sometimes I just want to die. I've only been outside once in the past week because I'm in so much pain... the main thing that holds me back though is my super, super severe migraines. I have a migraine all the time and it gets so incredibly bad I can't even think without my head hurting worse. It completely controls my life.

 

Of course I also deal with severe depression (though I try to hide it) and addiction since I'm in so much pain and need more and more pills. It wouldn't be a problem if the greedy, nasty insurance company would just let me have what I need. I'm so sad all the time. I have ponies and everything I could ever want... but I can't even enjoy them because of my pain which takes over my life. I can't go to college, can't work, can't do anything normal.

 

Geez... sorry, I just felt like I could vent on this thread. I never ever talk about this normally.

[Naamah D.]

I sure do have things that interfere with my life. I'm really sick and live in an excruciating amount of pain every second of my life. No pain killers work, and the one pill that does work... well, insurance won't cover more than 9 pills a month and I need one or two every day just to get by. I'm to the point now to where I can't ride horses which was my ultimate passion in life... and I can't even go outside or go out in public anymore unless I'm super drugged up, which makes me sick so I feel horrible anyways. Nothing helps me feel like a normal kid. I've been sick my whole life but went into super bad pain when I was 12, and each month, each year the pain becomes even worse. I don't even know what it feels like to not hurt.

 

Sometimes I just want to die. I've only been outside once in the past week because I'm in so much pain... the main thing that holds me back though is my super, super severe migraines. I have a migraine all the time and it gets so incredibly bad I can't even think without my head hurting worse. It completely controls my life.

 

Of course I also deal with severe depression (though I try to hide it) and addiction since I'm in so much pain and need more and more pills. It wouldn't be a problem if the greedy, nasty insurance company would just let me have what I need. I'm so sad all the time. I have ponies and everything I could ever want... but I can't even enjoy them because of my pain which takes over my life. I can't go to college, can't work, can't do anything normal.

 

Geez... sorry, I just felt like I could vent on this thread. I never ever talk about this normally.

 

 

Oh my god...do they know what the illness is? I'm so sorry.

 

I also have a medical condition. I have epilepsy. I had my first seizure when I was in 7th grade. It was a grand mal I had in my sleep. I got put on a medication called depakote which caused me to gain weight.

 

I do feel fourtunate to have the kind of epilepsy that doesn't interefere with my ability to play video games. Gaming is my passion. Due to all the pain school is causing me, video games are my safe place.

[~Xandria]

Geez you guys. I can relate to you - Zorse, so much. You sound like you have A LOT of the same problems I do. I won't have time to actually respond to you guys until later tonight. I'll talk to you then. I hope you both feel better. :sad02:

[Rebecca~]

I sure do have things that interfere with my life. I'm really sick and live in an excruciating amount of pain every second of my life. No pain killers work, and the one pill that does work... well, insurance won't cover more than 9 pills a month and I need one or two every day just to get by. I'm to the point now to where I can't ride horses which was my ultimate passion in life... and I can't even go outside or go out in public anymore unless I'm super drugged up, which makes me sick so I feel horrible anyways. Nothing helps me feel like a normal kid. I've been sick my whole life but went into super bad pain when I was 12, and each month, each year the pain becomes even worse. I don't even know what it feels like to not hurt.

 

Sometimes I just want to die. I've only been outside once in the past week because I'm in so much pain... the main thing that holds me back though is my super, super severe migraines. I have a migraine all the time and it gets so incredibly bad I can't even think without my head hurting worse. It completely controls my life.

 

Of course I also deal with severe depression (though I try to hide it) and addiction since I'm in so much pain and need more and more pills. It wouldn't be a problem if the greedy, nasty insurance company would just let me have what I need. I'm so sad all the time. I have ponies and everything I could ever want... but I can't even enjoy them because of my pain which takes over my life. I can't go to college, can't work, can't do anything normal.

 

Geez... sorry, I just felt like I could vent on this thread. I never ever talk about this normally.

Oh my god...do they know what the illness is? I'm so sorry.

 

I also have a medical condition. I have epilepsy. I had my first seizure when I was in 7th grade. It was a grand mal I had in my sleep. I got put on a medication called depakote which caused me to gain weight.

 

I do feel fourtunate to have the kind of epilepsy that doesn't interefere with my ability to play video games. Gaming is my passion. Due to all the pain school is causing me, video games are my safe place.

 

I'm so sorry, both of you! :( -hugs if you want them- Thanks for telling us though. <3

[karmacow]

@Zorse 9 painkillers? Such an arbitrary number, and it sounds completely ridiculous. What do they cost, anyway? I'm fortunate enough to never have needed that strong painkillers, so I don't know. I'm sorry you have to go through this, and even more sorry that you can't enjoy all the wonderful things you have :(

[eightbitdimwit]

One of the nice things about the friendlier regions of the Internet is that you can actually talk about serious problems like this. It's kind of cathartic for some and helps keep it from being bottled up where it just eats away at someone.

 

I've been living with anxiety issues most of my life. I have a childhood diagnosis of OCD, though I'm not sure how much of today's problems are due to it and what may be other problems from growing up being too afraid to seek much in the way of help for stressors and insecurities. I'm pretty much on edge all the time, obsessing over things from the bizarre to the mundane and finding ways to "avoid" them that are often only vaguely relevant.

 

Clinical OCD is a little different from what people think of when they hear the term:

 

www.webmd.com

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a type of anxiety disorder, is a potentially disabling illness that traps people in endless cycles of repetitive thoughts and behaviors. People with OCD are plagued by recurring and distressing thoughts, fears, or images (obsessions) they cannot control. The anxiety (nervousness) produced by these thoughts leads to an urgent need to perform certain rituals or routines (compulsions). The compulsive rituals are performed in an attempt to prevent the obsessive thoughts or make them go away.

 

Although the ritual may temporarily alleviate anxiety, the person must perform the ritual again when the obsessive thoughts return. This OCD cycle can progress to the point of taking up hours of the person's day and significantly interfering with normal activities. People with OCD may be aware that their obsessions and compulsions are senseless or unrealistic, but they cannot stop them.

 

I don't freak out if my pencils aren't in perfect order or sentences online aren't symmetrical, but other things really get to me.

[~Xandria]

One of the nice things about the friendlier regions of the Internet is that you can actually talk about serious problems like this. It's kind of cathartic for some and helps keep it from being bottled up where it just eats away at someone.

 

I've been living with anxiety issues most of my life. I have a childhood diagnosis of OCD, though I'm not sure how much of today's problems are due to it and what may be other problems from growing up being too afraid to seek much in the way of help for stressors and insecurities. I'm pretty much on edge all the time, obsessing over things from the bizarre to the mundane and finding ways to "avoid" them that are often only vaguely relevant.

 

I don't freak out if my pencils aren't in perfect order or sentences online aren't symmetrical, but other things really get to me.

 

I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles. :sad02: I've never personally dealt with OCD, although I do exhibit some of the qualities such as avoiding "anxiety triggers" that most people would consider "no big deal". I also have a lot of weird fears and imagery in my head that I can't control alot of the time. After awhile it really does start to take it's toll. I hope you are able to seek out help in the form of therapy or other alternative treatmeants. I'm also on edge all the time, but just recently was prescribed an anxiety medication that is working quite well for me. I seem to be getting a teeny bit better everyday. Don't give up hope!

 

-hugs- :wub_anim:

[Zorse]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate that I could safely vent on here. :) I was pretty worried when I posted that. I've been sick my whole life and yet they still don't know what's wrong with me. I'm really sick of it. I've been slapped with some generic labels but not a true diagnosis. As for the pills that help, they're $90 each. So that'd be... $2700/month for one a day... $5400/month for 2 a day. IMO it's absolutely disgusting that it's even legal to charge so much per pill, but I know some are even more expensive. Probably the reason why insurance won't cover it... too expensive. So here I am suffering because of the companies' greed. It's not right. Not right for anyone who needs such expensive medication... doesn't matter what's wrong with them, they should get what they need. :(

 

I just want to say that I feel for all you guys on here. It's not fun living with anything out of the ordinary, especially something that affects you on a daily basis. Hugs to everyone ^^

[~Xandria]

-Hugs Zorse- I'm glad to see you posting again. :) I have the same problem as you with the prescription medications. I have asthma but I can't for the life of me afford my asthma medicine. After suffering for a whole year without it (I was on medicaid before) I finally got it back by signing up for a low-cost prescription plan in my area. It might be something you would like to check into if you can. Perhaps google it or call your local medicaid/medicare office. (I'm assuming you're in the states)

[karmacow]

That's absolutely NUTS that one pill can cost so much! No doubt the profit margin is huge. It's an outrage that they're allowed to charge to much for something like this. And I was whining over paying $630-ish for my medication per year, before the patent was lifted and allowed any company to produce it. (Now I pay next to nothing).

[~Xandria]

That's absolutely NUTS that one pill can cost so much! No doubt the profit margin is huge. It's an outrage that they're allowed to charge to much for something like this. And I was whining over paying $630-ish for my medication per year, before the patent was lifted and allowed any company to produce it. (Now I pay next to nothing).

Yes, it is quite sad. :( My boyfriends grandpa is really very sick. He takes over 10 medications for his heart, blood pressure, etc. His medications cost him about $700 a month (even with the majority of them being generic). The generics aren't really the problem but he has two medications he is on that are still under patent. It's a shame really.

[icedragonair]

Originally when I saw this thread, I wasn't going to post anything, but today something happened that made me want to share.

 

A little about my situation though- For a very long time I have been extremely depressed. It's been several years now, and only been getting worse and worse. More than just that, I have been suicidal since I was a small child, not even from when I was a teen, but from 6 or 7, so young I can barely remember when I wasn't suicidal. I have been extremely antisocial all my life, I had few interests and fewer friends, until about 2 or 3 years ago I was basically a shut in. All I could think was that I wanted to die because I hated this world and it bored me. So because I’m an extremely logical person, I decided that I would wait till I was 18, and if I still felt like dying I would kill myself. It’s not like my life was especially bad. My parents got divorced, but my wonderful loving mom took such good care of me that I never even really noticed it. I have no self esteem issues, no illnesses, I’m not particularly poor. I have no substance abuse issues; I don’t even drink, on principle more than anything. As far as people go I'm very lucky.

 

I just found this world to be extremely boring. Off course it’s more complicated than that, I won’t go in to the details because even as a child this is something I swore to myself I would never talk to anybody about, and its still to recent for me. I knew nobody could possibly understand just what was making me feel this way, just how my thoughts ran. I got very good at hiding who I am, other than being a little different, nobody even noticed the way I really felt, and I spent the next 10 years thinking about the day I would kill myself.

 

But I still had some hopes that maybe my life would get better, that I would find something to be passionate about. And things did get a little better, then they got a lot worse.

As I got more depressed I started to do badly in school and then in university, to the point that I had dug myself a hole I couldn’t get out of. My sole purpose for living at that point was my desire to become a veterinarian, there was nothing else in this world that interested me, and if I failed school there would be nothing to keep me here.

 

At that point I did something which I had resisted for years, I decided to get help. It suddenly just struck me that I wanted to at least try to live. I hate psychiatrists, I’m against any kind of medication because I’m deathly afraid that it will change my thought process, and that’s the most important thing I have. I have spent most of my life living inside my head rather than the outside world. Yet at that point, I was ready to try any of these things, to find some reason to survive, and I didn't know what else to do. I decided to tell my mom about my suicidal thoughts as well as my psychiatrist. My mom managed to convince me to see a therapist first, before taking any pills though.

 

The therapist I went to see was highly recommended, and uses very “unorthodox” techniques. I went to see her a couple of times and we did visualization therapy, but I still would not tell her exactly what was causing me to be suicidal, I simply asked to help me in how to make this world more bearable for me. To day going to my appointment I thought it would be my last, because this wouldn’t help.

 

Ant then something happened, something that I would have thought was unimaginably impossible. Near then end as we talked she told me something. She said “Did you know when I was 6 years old I tried to kill myself” and then she went on describe exactly my situation, what I thought, what she had though, the one thing that I had never though I would hear outside my head, that nobody could possibly understand. And then she told me why she was still alive.

 

This is the first time in my life that somebody knows what I’m thinking, not all the lies I say to people to seem “normal”. For the first time in my life I fell like I might be able to do this, because she did it somehow.

 

I saw a lot of people here, saying they are reluctant to get help, I understand why, I know just how hard it is to trust someone, anyone with your problems. It feels like nobody will EVER understand. But I don't think anyone can work through this kind of thing alone. I don't know how my life will be from here on out, but if you are lucky enough to have the chance to get help, don't wait till it all falls apart like I did. You might not be as alone as you think, and If I had known that, I think, just a little bit, all the pain I've felt all these years might have been lessened.

[karmacow]

That's an incredible story. I'm happy for you that you've found a therapist that seems to understand your situation :)

[keiwo]

Just in case someone I know finds this..

[karmacow]

Thanks for sharing, Keiwo :)

People can be such ...I don't think any word I want to end that sentence with is allowed on this forum. It makes me so angry to think of those types who care so about how they're perceived, that they can't be nice and friendly with any person. I have a good amount of experience with those types as well. I'd like to follow your example and talk about it, but I don't think I'm ready.

[Naamah D.]

I also have some physical damage. I have scoliosis and am in back and neck pain every single day. I am 5'2 and have a very large chest. I basically got "fired" from an internship because it hurt my back to hunch over to butter bread. People at school keep asking me and pushing surgery on me. I want the surgery, but they need to understand that a magic wand will not be waved and I'll be all better the week after the surgery.

 

All of my life I've been very self concious about my chest. I've had to get custom made bras sometimes. When school photos came out I was so emabaressed to show them to people because the first thing i noticed was my chest size.

 

My message to girls who want a large chest is please, please, please be happy that you have a small chest. It's not worth the stretch marks and not being able to wear tank tops. It's not worth the pain either. In all honesty if I were a boy I wouldn't be attracted to your size in any area. I'd be happiest if you had a good personality.

[Duskitty]

Wow. Everything everyone else has said makes my "situation" seem pathetic.

But: I am fairly sure that I have autism/Aspergers. Two of my "friends" started bullying me in a Facebook warrior RP group that they created, calling me a "slut" (we were in grade 6, note). I don't have many friends, and nobody in my class really likes me because I'm "random" and talk to myself occasionally. Some people in my class (about 3-4 of them) hate me for unknown reasons; one of them said "It's fun to pick on *my name*." I'm considered a smart student, though it's not helping me get friends, however.

 

Whew. End of vent. I feel sorry for all of you that have it way worse than me. <3 :* Love to you all!

[karmacow]

Doesn't sound like an easy situation to be in at all to me, Duski. There's always someone who's worse off, but that doesn't make your pain any easier to deal with, physical or psychological. I was in a similar position when I was in school. It's definitely not easy, and I feel for you. I still never feel like I fit in anywhere (well, maybe here :D) Some people are just the spawn of the devil and need to grow out of it. Which some will, and some won't. So in that way, you could consider yourself lucky, because you seem like you're above that stuff.

[Rebecca~]

As Karma said, just becuase your situation is different from others doesn't mean that you have it easy! I'm sorry that people are being such jerks. :( -hugs-

[~Xandria]

Keiwo - Your story is heartbreaking as some of the things you posted are oh so familiar. I am glad you decided to share though, it can be nice to let it all out and sometimes it's easier through a computer screen, rather than face to face. You are wrong about one thing though. There is hope for you. There is hope for everyone even when we feel like we can't go on. I've had some pretty rough blows and it just seems like life has never been fair to either of us. Slowly but surely things will look up for you though. As you get older you will realize that people's opinions of you just don't matter like they used too. I was traumatized and made fun of in school A LOT. It got to the point where I wouldn't go to school without a huge jacket on (because of my weight). So even in the middle of summer where it gets to be like 98-110 degree heat here in TX, I wore a jacket. I was ashamed of myself. I'm still ashamed that I couldn't keep it together and finish highschool but highschool became completely unbareable. The ridicule, panic attacks, constant paranoia of someone coming up to me... it was just too much to bare. I dropped out at age 14. I had a very abusive father. Physically and mentally. He told me I was worth nothing. To him I was the biggest mistake ever. I could never do anything right in his eyes. He beat me on an almost daily basis. My mom ignored my crying, ignored me when I asked her for help. I think that was the hardest part of it all.

 

Anyways, sorry.. that wasn't supposed to be about me but I felt compelled to share because I know how bad self-esteem issues can weigh you down. It doesn't always have to be that way though. We can recover from this. Sometimes it helps me to read success stories online about people within similiar situations who have overcome. People who have severe depression, suicidal tendencies, panic attacks, rape victims, FGM (female genital mutiliation - I hope I'm allowed to say that) survivors, people who have suffered years upon years of brutal abuse. It gives me hope that if they could do it, someday I will too. It takes a lot of time to grow, to learn to love yourself and in time hopefully help others with what you've learned along the way. If you want something go get it. Never let ANYONE tell you you're not good enough. You in no way need there approval. I will be thinking of you and if you'd ever like to talk I am only a message away. Again, thanks so much for sharing your story with us. -HUGS!-

 

Karmacow - Completely understandable. I hope one day you find the courage to talk about it. Thanks so much for always contributing and helping keep this thread alive! You've made me feel better countless times. -HUGS-

 

Naamah - I'm so sorry to hear of your back pain. I live with constant back and neck pain and it is definitley no walk in the park. My bones crack and ache all day long. Nothing helps. Not pain pills, hot bathes, massages, NOTHING. It really does suck to live with because it gets to the point where it just makes you depressed and irritable all the time. Ready to blow up on someone because you're just sick of the pain, fatigue, lack of energy, lack of sleep, etc. I never suspected my pain could be attributed to my larger chest but it's perhaps something I should have thought about before now. I also have an abnormally large chest. I'm 5'0 (very very short, lol) and 135lbs but my chest probably makes up a good portion of that weight. I also don't have the best posture, unfortunatley. Lately I have been *trying* to do a yoga/pilates mix and it has been helping me somewhat. I hope you are able to find the relief you desperatley need. Please keep us posted and thanks for sharing with us.

 

Dusky - Don't ever feel like your situation is pathetic compared to someone elses. It's not. In fact - dealing with bullies contributed a lot to my self esteem now as well as my social anxiety and depression. It really isn't something anyone should take lightly. It's good that you're smart as it's a lot better than being popular in the long run. Coming from a 19 (almost 20) year old who dropped out of school, I hope that you decide to push yourself to stay in school. I think that had I not dropped out and actually gotten help for my anxiety and depression and learned to deal with people and social situations effectively, I would not be where I am at now. Bullying effects a lot of kids (about 3/4ths of kids report being bullied at school). It's definitley not easy to deal with but if you are able to stick it out and learn to deal with people it can be a huge help for you in the long-run. Always remember that people who bully are looking for attention (from there peers) that they're not getting at home. So they're really not the big-mean-awesomely popular kids that they portray themselves as. Also try and remember that sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. Easier said than done, but it is easier to feel/act brave when you feel good about yourself. So whatever it is that makes you feel better about yourself - do it.

 

Anyways, I do hope that my above message didn't come off as preachy. Please send me a message if you ever want to talk - I am all ears well, erm.. I'm all eyes. lol. -HUGS!-

[Duskitty]

Dusky - Don't ever feel like your situation is pathetic compared to someone elses. It's not. In fact - dealing with bullies contributed a lot to my self esteem now as well as my social anxiety and depression. It really isn't something anyone should take lightly. It's good that you're smart as it's a lot better than being popular in the long run. Coming from a 19 (almost 20) year old who dropped out of school, I hope that you decide to push yourself to stay in school. I think that had I not dropped out and actually gotten help for my anxiety and depression and learned to deal with people and social situations effectively, I would not be where I am at now. Bullying effects a lot of kids (about 3/4ths of kids report being bullied at school). It's definitley not easy to deal with but if you are able to stick it out and learn to deal with people it can be a huge help for you in the long-run. Always remember that people who bully are looking for attention (from there peers) that they're not getting at home. So they're really not the big-mean-awesomely popular kids that they portray themselves as. Also try and remember that sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. Easier said than done, but it is easier to feel/act brave when you feel good about yourself. So whatever it is that makes you feel better about yourself - do it.

Aww thank you! ^_^ It's nice to know that somebody will actually listen to me, instead of saying, "No one cares god why are you so random blah blah"

As Karma said, just becuase your situation is different from others doesn't mean that you have it easy! I'm sorry that people are being such jerks. :( -hugs-

It's better now, I'm not being bullied. Working on dealing with autism; I used to not be able to hold eye contact when talking to people I didn't know, would get frustrated when I was trying to express something if I was upset and I was easily upset- little things could set me off when I was already wound up; e.g people yelling at me if I didn't do something right in a game, etc. But it's been an improvement. :D

Doesn't sound like an easy situation to be in at all to me, Duski. There's always someone who's worse off, but that doesn't make your pain any easier to deal with, physical or psychological. I was in a similar position when I was in school. It's definitely not easy, and I feel for you. I still never feel like I fit in anywhere (well, maybe here :D) Some people are just the spawn of the devil and need to grow out of it. Which some will, and some won't. So in that way, you could consider yourself lucky, because you seem like you're above that stuff.

Haha, I agree with the "people who are just the spawn of the devil" thing. That's pretty accurate. (: