Broken up :( Advice?

[Saxen]

I don't know why I'm doing this, guess I just need to get it out and see if anyone can help..

 

My boyfriend and I who have been together for four years (since I was 17) have broken up. Happened almost a week ago now.. trying to be okay, not really faring too well.

 

Have to move out of the beautiful flat we share and give our Rabbit away which is heartbreaking.

 

We're on good terms so are staying here until we're both sorted out, but with my mental health problems I haven't worked in a long time, have no money saved up, and now I have to find somewhere to live and will have to share with another person cause I live in Brighton and it's friggin expensive. I have agoraphobia, social phobia and panic attacks, but it looks like I have no choice but to try and find a job and force myself to have some kind of a normal life.

 

I'm looking to live with one other person, should I tell them about my BPD and other problems? Should I just call it Depression? They'll see my cuts/scars so I cant hide it forever... I just cant imagine someone wanting to live with someone who's mentally ill. This same thing goes for finding a job. If I have to wear short sleeves for any purpose they will see. I'm really upsetting myself over this, don't know what to do :(

[sara1elo]

Probably I am not the best one giving advice...

 

A broke up is always something traumatic and hard to overcome but it is even more difficult if you have no economic independence to "restart" your life, specially because you have to see your partner everyday if you still share the flat.

This must be extra hard with BPD, I think that hiding it won't help you but showing it either (many people are afraid of these diseases because ignorance). Maybe you should first find the right person to share a home and then, when you have shared some time with him/her tell him/her.

 

Another point: What about asking for help to your family? Maybe they can help you too.

[Nimphal]

Oh my, I am so sorry this happened to you :/ It is good that you are on good terms so you have a bit of time sorting things out. As for your difficulties, I would suggest you be open with anyone you plan on living with - you are going to share the same living space and having to worry about them finding out is probably not going to help your mental health. As for a job, I see you live in England and my experience is that people in the UK in general are more open and understanding when it comes to such issues (speaking as a person who has lived in the UK for the past two years, so I am completely aware I can be wrong, just my impression). BPD has had more publicity thanks in part to Stephen Fry and his documentary. My advice would be to be open about who you are and what issues you have to face in everyday life, you are who you are and the world should accept you :)

[complicatedwishes]

I'm sorry to hear about this :(. Break ups are so hard and traumatic. It's really good for the both of you that you're on good terms and can still live in the same place whilst you sort yourself out. When it comes to finding a flat mate, see how it goes living with them for a while and if you think they are decent enough to tell, then do tell them after a few months. Then when it comes to finding a job, especially if it's for maybe a supermarket or something, be honest with them :) supermarkets especially/big companies are quite understanding about special circumstances. As for the uniform thing, one of my current jobs is for Sainsburys and I get cold easily so I always wear my long sleeved top which is part of my uniform, instead of my short sleeved one and to keep me extra warm I wear my jacket over that too.

[vyvren]

I'm so sorry, Saxen :c I'm in a similar situation myself so I think that I can relate.

I think it's great that you feel that you're able to share with us here, because it is a really big burden to carry alone and it's not always easy to talk to family about it.

 

If I were in your shoes, and I had to find another place to live, I think that I would've met with any potential flat mate to see if we 'connect' with each other.

If you feel comfortable around that person, tell them. It's nothing you should be ashamed of and although I think that Sara has a point, I also think that most people would see that mental health issues aren't something you need to be afraid of, if they met someone who actually has BPD/depression etc.

 

Like Lou said, big companies are generally understanding when it comes to certain circumstances. If nothing else, you might be allowed to wear an open cardigan (so that the company's uniform shirt was still visible).

 

I hope that you'll take care of yourself and not rush into anything if it feels wrong.

*sending you lots of virtual hugs*

[khaos]

Argh... I want to help, but I don't think I would do the best job at it. :(

 

What about asking for help to your family? Maybe they can help you too.

^This. Maybe you could also ask a close or best friend of yours to help you, someone who knows you really well.

If you're looking to live with someone else, and are trying to get a job, maybe try wearing a sweater as much as you can, or a long sleeved shirt. Unless you need a job really soon, try to avoid getting a job with a short-sleeved uniform. When you're looking to live with someone, try hard to keep your scars private unless you're sure you trust them, then reveal your scars. This whole thing must be really tough for you, especially with BPD, but you'll get through it, Saxen. :3

 

As for the break-up in general, I'm sure you'll get over it soon. If you're depressed about your situation or your BPD, just imagine it being better in the future. And I'm not necessarily sure how you two broke up, but I'm sure you can do better! :)

 

I send the best of luck! :D

[Saxen]

Thanks so much for all your responses guys, really means a lot. Was so worried about this post after I did it O.o

 

Probably I am not the best one giving advice...

 

A broke up is always something traumatic and hard to overcome but it is even more difficult if you have no economic independence to "restart" your life, specially because you have to see your partner everyday if you still share the flat.

This must be extra hard with BPD, I think that hiding it won't help you but showing it either (many people are afraid of these diseases because ignorance). Maybe you should first find the right person to share a home and then, when you have shared some time with him/her tell him/her.

 

Another point: What about asking for help to your family? Maybe they can help you too.

 

Yeah it's difficult.. We still love each other but have realised we're not compatible for a relationship. :(

I think the same thing as you which is why I'm umming and ahhing so much over what to reveal and when. Flats in this area go pretty quickly so I'd basically have to know in the first meeting whether or not they could handle the information. D:

I've contacted both my parents. Had a big row with my Mum - she doesn't believe I'm ill - and she said she won't help me financially but I'm welcome to live with her. I know that she could help me if she wanted to, but she wants to leave me no other option but to move in with her so she can control my life again. She's a nasty person, I couldn't go back to that.

My Dad is in a difficult situation financially himself, and when I said I could potentially end up homeless if he doesn't help me (this was when my boyfriend said we had three weeks to sort things), he text with "good luck". So... yeah. lol.

 

Oh my, I am so sorry this happened to you :/ It is good that you are on good terms so you have a bit of time sorting things out. As for your difficulties, I would suggest you be open with anyone you plan on living with - you are going to share the same living space and having to worry about them finding out is probably not going to help your mental health. As for a job, I see you live in England and my experience is that people in the UK in general are more open and understanding when it comes to such issues (speaking as a person who has lived in the UK for the past two years, so I am completely aware I can be wrong, just my impression). BPD has had more publicity thanks in part to Stephen Fry and his documentary. My advice would be to be open about who you are and what issues you have to face in everyday life, you are who you are and the world should accept you :)

 

You're right about being open I think, especially if they really don't accept it when it does come to them finding out and they want me to leave D: that would be awful to have to move again and be rejected like that!

I agree that people are a lot more open-minded in England, especially in Brighton, actually. I still worry a lot though. Having a mental disorder is one thing but when it encompasses self-mutilation people can get uncomfortable. I don't want to make the person I move in with feel that way around me :(

BPD is short for Borderline Personality Disorder, it's easily confused with Bi-Polar Disorder with it being the same initials and everything and the symptoms are ish-similar, but they are different. BPD isn't as well-known I don't think apart from the film Girl, Interrupted - which isn't a very good example of what it's really like but yeah. I freakin loved that Stephen Fry documentary :) Am thinking about contacting him regarding the BPD stigma and getting the message out there since we seem to be either unknown or feared.. I'm blabbing I'm sorry lol.

I've been trying to be more open about this stuff and it does feel a lot better, so I think perhaps you're right :) thank you

 

I'm sorry to hear about this :(. Break ups are so hard and traumatic. It's really good for the both of you that you're on good terms and can still live in the same place whilst you sort yourself out. When it comes to finding a flat mate, see how it goes living with them for a while and if you think they are decent enough to tell, then do tell them after a few months. Then when it comes to finding a job, especially if it's for maybe a supermarket or something, be honest with them :) supermarkets especially/big companies are quite understanding about special circumstances. As for the uniform thing, one of my current jobs is for Sainsburys and I get cold easily so I always wear my long sleeved top which is part of my uniform, instead of my short sleeved one and to keep me extra warm I wear my jacket over that too.

 

Thank you honey x. Thing is with the waiting... I don't know how easy it would be to hide. I have regular panic attacks and cry a lot, can be really moody sometimes - and I'd hate to have to be constantly wearing long sleeves whenever I'm at home. I think it would be really hard to keep secret.

I used to work in the Co-op when my scars weren't so bad and I wasn't SH at the time, and they were pretty accepting (not that we spoke about it). I think you're right that I should go for a big company like a Supermarket again :)

 

I'm so sorry, Saxen :c I'm in a similar situation myself so I think that I can relate.

I think it's great that you feel that you're able to share with us here, because it is a really big burden to carry alone and it's not always easy to talk to family about it.

 

If I were in your shoes, and I had to find another place to live, I think that I would've met with any potential flat mate to see if we 'connect' with each other.

If you feel comfortable around that person, tell them. It's nothing you should be ashamed of and although I think that Sara has a point, I also think that most people would see that mental health issues aren't something you need to be afraid of, if they met someone who actually has BPD/depression etc.

 

Like Lou said, big companies are generally understanding when it comes to certain circumstances. If nothing else, you might be allowed to wear an open cardigan (so that the company's uniform shirt was still visible).

 

I hope that you'll take care of yourself and not rush into anything if it feels wrong.

*sending you lots of virtual hugs*

 

I'm really sorry to hear you're in a similar situation sweets *big hugs*. And thank you for saying that ^^ everyone's lovely here and there's been talk of mental health before, so I feel safe to a degree.

 

That's really well put, I think that will have to be the way forward and sounds like the best way. I wouldn't want to end up living with someone who may not accept me, and I hope I'm not so scary that I would put them off! XD I'm not ashamed of my BPD, I'm just afraid of what other people have heard about it, and also explaining it can sound kind of intimidating I'm sure.. I get scared as soon as I'd leave they'd check Wikipedia and be like "no thanks!" lol. I guess if I met the right person and made a good impression that might not be the case though :)

 

Yeah, I think Lou is right as well. I will start investigating :3 Haven't worked in a couple of years, I hope that wont count against me too much also.

 

Thanks so much for your advice hun :) (and to all of you again, so so nice) x

[Kaana]

*hugs*

 

I am sending you all of the virtual hugs right now. You seem to know how you feel about the break up and handling it as ok as can be expected for a relationship that long.

 

Go for a super market job or similar - the pay might be kind of low at first, but they're generally pretty understanding and willing to hire. Go for it. If you're worried about people, maybe try getting a night shift? Also there are not many big chain-stores I can think of that ban their employees wearing long sleeves - most allow it if the person has arm tattoos or another legit reason. Your scars definitely will be.

 

The people who've already posted know what they're talking about. Listen to them. We're here for you.

[Rebecca~]

I am sending ALL the Jedi Hugs if you want them, Saxen! I'm so sorry that you're going through this. :(

 

God, trying to find a flat is stressful enough. :( I'm going to echo the people that have said that people are generally pretty understanding about stuff like this. To make it easier, maybe practice explaing BPD in a couple sentences, so you can give an overview of the disorder, so they won't just go to WIki (as you mentioned), lol.

And yeah, a lot of retail jobs are so high turnover that they won't not hire you just because of your scars. I know that the two grocery stores that I worked at had uniform shirts in both long and short sleeve. Night shifts are definitely an option too-- they pay more, and you won't have to you know, actually work in retail, lol.

 

As I said, all the hugs if you want them! And if you ever need to vent or just talk, I'm here for you!

[Zombiiesque]

Oh boy, what a lot on your plate! I can relate to you on your parents' responses - I totally agree that you can't go back to living with your mom, I wouldn't think that would be helpful or healthy for you in ANY way. That's so sad though.

I think you've got the right advice and mindset about finding people that are open to you right off the bat, I don't have problems as severe as yours - I just have pretty mild depression - but I know if I put off telling someone something, it generally gets worse rather than better and a good time never does seem to arrive. I don't live in the UK but I know here in the US that people who work nights, and customers at night too, seem to be a bit more relaxed than early morning ones. It makes the atmosphere at the job a bit more easy to deal with - that's generally my favorite time of day to work, honestly.

I hope it all works out for you in every way, and I offer hugs!

[Saxen]

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I cant sit and write a big thing again, it's too upsetting, but I really appreciate you all taking the time to write to me. It has made me feel a little better about the situation, definitely. :)

 

My mum actually got in touch with me again last night, I think she feels bad. She wants to give me £300 which will certainly help me towards getting a place. She flatly refuses to put it in my bank account though, she wants to go with me to the agency/landlord and give them the money together - basically she's conditioning me to see her, and to find out where I live, which I've hidden from her for the last two years (after she turned up drunk in the small hours and tried to assault my boyfriend). I need her money but she's poison and I don't want her anywhere near me. Why do things have to be so hard? XD

[Rebecca~]

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I cant sit and write a big thing again, it's too upsetting, but I really appreciate you all taking the time to write to me. It has made me feel a little better about the situation, definitely. :)

 

My mum actually got in touch with me again last night, I think she feels bad. She wants to give me £300 which will certainly help me towards getting a place. She flatly refuses to put it in my bank account though, she wants to go with me to the agency/landlord and give them the money together - basically she's conditioning me to see her, and to find out where I live, which I've hidden from her for the last two years (after she turned up drunk in the small hours and tried to assault my boyfriend). I need her money but she's poison and I don't want her anywhere near me. Why do things have to be so hard? XD

Ugh, I am so sorry about your mum. She sounds like such a toxic person. :(

Is there any way you can compromise with your mum about the money? Say you want to go to lunch with her, but that you would prefer to go see the landlord alone? I can see my mum trying to do the same thing as your mum- mainly becuase she is just super clingy and a bit controlling (thank god I don't live with her any more!), and something like that would generally work. I don't know your mum though, and god knows there are lots of people that just want to be able to continue controlling their children for as long as they're able to!

I do hope that it works out, dearie!

[Saxen]

Thank you bubs. She is extremely toxic and really triggers me, just being around her I'm a totally different person.

She's saying she wants to see the landlord because she doesn't trust the money not to get spent if she gives it to me (as if that's the only reason). I actually need this money, I'm not just saying it so I can go out and buy stuff I don't need! :/

I'm sorry your Mum was similar, it's not the best :(. When I was younger she used to call me up when I was at my friends houses and demand I come home for no reason XD Also didn't want me to have an allowance because she liked me having to ask her for money, and to tell her exactly what I was going to spend it on or she wouldn't give it to me. She shouldn't have had children, really, or at least had another so I wasn't all on my own XD ugh.

Thanks for your reply again :)

[Zombiiesque]

Ugh, so I was going to suggest that maybe she could just get a verification from the landlord but that would probably still result in her prying out the information from him/her. :( I feel the same way about both my mother and my stepmother, so I totally get how you're feeling and they can definitely be triggering!

[Rebecca~]

Thank you bubs. She is extremely toxic and really triggers me, just being around her I'm a totally different person.

She's saying she wants to see the landlord because she doesn't trust the money not to get spent if she gives it to me (as if that's the only reason). I actually need this money, I'm not just saying it so I can go out and buy stuff I don't need! :/

I'm sorry your Mum was similar, it's not the best :(. When I was younger she used to call me up when I was at my friends houses and demand I come home for no reason XD Also didn't want me to have an allowance because she liked me having to ask her for money, and to tell her exactly what I was going to spend it on or she wouldn't give it to me. She shouldn't have had children, really, or at least had another so I wasn't all on my own XD ugh.

Thanks for your reply again :)

Ugh, your mum sounds so terrible. Alllllll the hugs. :(

Would you be able to meet up with the landlord somewhere away from the place you're renting, so your mum won't know where you live?

[cherryv]

I'm sorry to read that, Saxen *hugs*

Are you going to a therapist? Therapy don't always work for everyone but sometimes is the key to have your panic attacks and agoraphobia controlled.

I don't know if I can give you any advice more than that. Try to stay focused on things you like and surrounded by people you love and the heart pain will eventually go away.

I am here to talk if you want to :)

[Saxen]

I think it's going to be okay. She send me a really long (drunk) text message last night saying she would help me, and get my Grandmothers to help as well so I can afford my first months rent and deposit. Hopefully she wont sober up today and take it all back! lol. If she ends up helping me I will tell my landlord a bit (a BIT haha) about her and tell them under no circumstances are they to reveal the address where I live. She will get someone else to call for her or something I'm sure, I just need to make certain the landlord understands our relationship D:

 

I'm currently quitting Cannabis and they're refusing me any therapy until I've done so, since they don't know how the meds will react and how much of the sessions I'll actually remember XD Totally understandable. It's currently day four of being clean - although I did have one last night cause it was Gay Pride and fancied a treat :3 it doesn't count!! lol. Thanks so much for your reply Cherry :) and to all of you! So kind x

[Rebecca~]

I think it's going to be okay. She send me a really long (drunk) text message last night saying she would help me, and get my Grandmothers to help as well so I can afford my first months rent and deposit. Hopefully she wont sober up today and take it all back! lol. If she ends up helping me I will tell my landlord a bit (a BIT haha) about her and tell them under no circumstances are they to reveal the address where I live. She will get someone else to call for her or something I'm sure, I just need to make certain the landlord understands our relationship D:

 

I'm currently quitting Cannabis and they're refusing me any therapy until I've done so, since they don't know how the meds will react and how much of the sessions I'll actually remember XD Totally understandable. It's currently day four of being clean - although I did have one last night cause it was Gay Pride and fancied a treat :3 it doesn't count!! lol. Thanks so much for your reply Cherry :) and to all of you! So kind x

Oh, that is excellent news! :D Yeah, I think that letting the landlord know would be the best thing. :)

And congrats on seeking out therapy. :D I hope it goes really well!

[Jacky]

I am so sorry that you are having all these problems... Hope you can solve them all real soon. How are you doing still living together with him? Can you manage? That must be hard... :(

 

My very first reaction to your mom going with you was "HECK NO!" :P If she does not budge and give you the money without her going with you then she is just abusing your bad situation, and that is wrong.

 

Whatever happens, you need to keep in mind that you can accomplish anything, you just need to set your mind to it. Try to stay positive, even thoug it seems hard. Everything will be alright in the end. :)

 

Are there any programs for people with BPD and/or depression? Maybe they can help you find housing that is affordable, or a roommate that is familiar with it? I used to have a friend in the Netherlands with BPD and she got a lot of help. They helped her get an appartment that was cheap, got her a job that was fitting for her and her situation, and she even got some sort of an allowance. Also, I think she got discount on her power, water and gas but dont quote me on that. Anway, I guess I am saying that counselors and psychologists, or people that work with people with an illness like that might know of programs that might help you.

 

I wish you all the best and you know where to find me if you need to talk. *hugs* ♥♥♥

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

Hey, sweetheart, I have a lot of mental issues too (well not a lot but enough that I ended up hospalized over it). I know what it feels like to be left out in the cold and completely written off because I'm just not right. I fought taking my medication for almost three years and ended up developing a rather bad habbit to try to fix what my mind was telling me.

 

It gets better but you need to find help. It really sucks to have to admit that to yourself. Its like looking in the mirror and saying "Wow, I'm really messed up". It hurts and its really... degrading almost. But it gets better and there's even a point where you wake up and you're like "Oh! I'm excited for today". I never thought I would say that. You'll always have "bad days" where you sit around and cry and wonder why the hell everything is falling apart but when you go to sleep that night, you'll realize that it isn't. It just takes time and support. I'll be here if you ever need to talk. Trust me, I know what its like. =)

 

I just read the part about your mother. My father is an alcoholic. That doesn't get better. I spent 90% of my life trying to fix him, save him, do everything to make him stop hurting me. He'd call me all sorts of awful things. I'm fat, ugly, useless. He attacked me a few times. It didn't stop hurting until I had to call the cops on him and never talk to him. Even then it still hurts. Its like I can't escape that pain. I can definitely relate to you on that if you need someone to vent to about it.

 

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[Nicole C]

Awww hugs hugs hugs!!

 

So sorry about your mum, but you've got to stay strong and I believe you know what's best for yourself :)

Any friends you can turn to for help? It is not easy to go through this alone with your BPD..

 

Time will heal all wounds sweetie and use this period to find out where you would want your life to be headed to and work on it :) Shifting your focus to something positive can be quite helpful!