Puns

[Midtime]

Once a hat seller came back from a fruitless day of hat selling. He was very tired, so he went to sleep under a tree, putting a hat on top of his head. The monkeys in the tree came down and stole the hats he had not sold. When the hat seller woke, he saw the monkeys all sitting in the tree imitating him with their hats. It was hot, so he fanned himself with his own hat. All the monkeys did the same. The hat seller noticed this. He held the hat out to the left; the monkeys did the same. He held the hat out to the right; the monkeys did the same. He threw the hat away; the monkeys threw theirs away. The hat seller quickly collected them all. When he went home, he told his son about it. One day, after his son grew up and also became a hat seller, the son found himself in the same condition(under a tree with one hat while the monkeys had the rest). He remembered what his father had done. He fanned himself; the monkeys did the same. He held the hat to the left;the monkeys did the same. He held his hat out to the right; the monkeys did the same. But when he threw his hat away, one monkey came down and snatched it away. Then, one old monkey came down the tree and spoke to the hat seller. "You think you're the only one with a father? They also have fathers."

 

Everyone knows the story of the tortoise and the hare, right? Well, afterwards, the hare wanted a rematch. This time, the hare dared not stop. He ran on and on until, panting heavily, he reached the finish line. But again, the tortoise was already there. "How did you get here so fast?" demanded the hare.

"I took a taxi." replied the tortoise.

Moral of both: Always keep up with the times. The same thing will never work twice.

[antiaircraft]

There's a man who wants to get his wife a unique pet. He goes to a pet shop and asks the shop owner about it. The shop owner says: "You know, you should really get your wife this dog."

"That dog? But that's just a common dog!"

"On the contrary, this dog can do karate!"

The man laughed, then the shopkeeper said, "I can prove it to you. All you have to do is tell it to 'karate' something, for example, karate that table!"

The dog reduced the table to a pile of wood chips. The man was amazed. He bought the dog immediately and brought it home.

"Look what I got you!" he said to his wife, "It's a dog that can do karate!"

Laughing, his wife said, "Karate, my foot!"

 

Q: Why do elevators have a sign that says: "Do not use in the event of fire."

A: It's illogical to use an elevator in a fire. Water works much better.

[Midtime]

Q: What's in the middle of the sea and the ocean?

A: The letter E.

 

Q: How does a lion greet others?

A: He says, "Pleased to eat you."

 

A lion was teaching his cubs to hunt. He said to them, "Don't move until you see the zebra crossing."

[antiaircraft]

There are five people in a plane that's about to crash: a lawyer, an accountant, the pilot, the President of the United States, and a schoolboy. There are only four parachutes.

The lawyer says: "I have to live because I bring justice to the world." and jumps out with a parachute.

The accountant says: "I have to live because I manage people's money." and jumps out.

The President says: "I have to live because I'm the President of the United States." and jumps out.

The pilot says: "Sorry kid, there's no more parachutes after I jump out."

The schoolboy says: "It's okay, the President took my schoolbag."

 

The moral: Always check your parachute before jumping out.

[Midtime]

:P Yeah, the other moral is we need a better president.

 

Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?

A: It had no body.

 

Q: When a lemon asks for help, what does it need?

A: Lemon aid.

 

Q: Why do firemen wear red overalls?

A: to hold their pants up.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a creek?

A: Wet feet.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a convertible?

A: A convertible with a big trunk.

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a seal?

A: A polar bear.

[buzz]

Puns always make me laugh

[Awesome_Paul]

i got one, found it off a comercial :P

 

Man 1: Did you hear, the police toilets were stolen

Man 2: What Really!

Man 1: Yeah, but they haven't got anything to go on

[Parshy]

here's a good one

 

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

 

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

 

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!

 

 

 

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

 

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

 

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

 

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

 

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

 

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

 

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

 

 

 

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."

 

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

 

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.

 

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

 

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

 

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.