antiaircraft Posted December 24, 2006 Author Share Posted December 24, 2006 There does happen to be a limit too the good jokes I can think up... Translation: I'M RUNNING OUT OF JOKES!!! ---- Q: What do you call a crazy builder? A: A wall-nut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midtime Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Dumb statement #1: Food for dinner! Dumb statement #2: I'm sorry, I can't type. Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A: Time to get a new fence. :exclamation: PUNS!!!WE NEED MORE PUNS!!! :exclamation: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julie_kofoed1980 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Lesson 1: * A man goes into the shower just as his wife leaves it - the doorbell rings. The Wife wraps a towel around her and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, her neighbour Bob is outside. Before she says a thing, Bob says 'I'll give you 100 $ if you drop the towel'. She contemplates it for a moment and drops the towel, standing naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds Bob gives her 100 $ and walks away. The woman puts the towel back on and goes upstairs. When she walks into the bathroom, her husband asks 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob' she answers 'Perfect'. the husband says, 'did he say anything about the 100 $ he ows me?' /The Moral: If you share important information about outstandings and risks with the shareholders, you might be capable of avoiding unnecessary exposure./ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myriad Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hang on, I have a really funny dumb criminal joke: Yesterday, police arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. And some REALLY corny pick-up lines (PLEASE, never use them, unless you want to be dateless for the rest of your life): Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow meh away! Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natalie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I know a very funny joke, but I don't think it's right for little children to hear. And I don't know if it's safe here to post it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julie_kofoed1980 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I skip lesson two cause it might be offensive to some people... Lesson 3 A salesman, an office clerk and the boss is on their way too lunch, when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a spirit comes out. The spirit says: 'I give each of you one wish' 'Me first, me first' says the office clerk. 'I want to go to Bahamas, sail around in a speedboat without having to worry about the problems of life'. POOF - and she's gone. 'Now me, now me' the salesman goes. 'I want to go to Hawaii - relax on the beach with my own personal masseuse and an endless supply of Pina Colada - and the love of my life' - POOF - and he's gone 'OK, you're next" the spirit says to the boss. The boss replies 'I want those to back in the office after lunch'. /The Moral: Always let the boss speak first !!/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were looking up at the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, what do you see?" "I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked. "I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means tomorrow will be a sunny day. What does it mean to you Holmes?" "To me, it means that someone has stolen our tent." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Here's a real bad pun for you all to enjoy... Banana - The fruit with appeal. And another (Oh dear god!) I saw a random person trying to take my front gate. I didn't want to say anything, though, unless he took afence. <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natalie Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Silence is golden, But duct tape is silver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigma Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 How do you keep a geek busy all day? You put him in a round room and tell him to go to the corner! :laughingsmiley: :woot: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anime Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 That's more an idiot joke. Geeks are plenty brght. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike. Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I heard that one for blondes. xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julie_kofoed1980 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Lesson 4: A crow is sitting in a tree doing nothing all day. A passing rabbit asks him: 'Could I also do like you and sit around doing nothing all day'? The crow answers: 'Sure, why not' The rabbit sat down on the ground below the crow and relaxed. A fox jumped the rabbit and ate it... /The Moral: To sit around doing nothing, you need to sit quite high./ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 There's a picture of four identical people with briefcases. They are wearing suits, ties and glasses. The caption reads, "Three lawyers and an idiot." Stupid statement: Too much room not enough space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awesome_Paul Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 i got this off a comedy show i saw (jimmy carr) I was walking past a childrens remedial school the other day I saw the sign "Slow children" and i thought to myself "that can't help their self esteem" (there is another catch line, i will say it, but this is not mine, but if its unsuitable just say) but there is a plus side "they can't read it" there is another one, but its might offend few people so not going to say it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julie_kofoed1980 Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Lesson 5: A turkey was standing around chatting to a bull. 'I really wish I could get to the top of that tree' the turkey sighed, 'but I haven't got the energy' 'Why don't you eat one of my turd' the bull answered. 'They are filled with energy' The turkey ate a bit of a turd and discovered that he got the power to reach the lowest branch in the tree. The next day he ate a little more of the turd and reached the second branch. Finally - after two weeks - he was sitting proudly at the top of the tree. It didn't take long for the farmer to discover him and shoot him down from off the tree. /The Moral: "Bullshit" may get you to the top, but it wont keep you there./ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulli_Kutz Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 may: dad why is my name may? father: because when you were born we took you for a walk and may flowers fell on ur head june: dad why is my name june? father: because when you were born we took you for a walk and june flowers fell on ur head ahhhshdh boahhahha vEEERRRSSSZZ father: CINDER BLOCK SHUT UP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parshy Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 ive got one Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!" Edit fTeacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'. Susie: "I is ..." Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'". Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." Edit 2 A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?" Haha so funny. I love this :) XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 It is a well known fact that girls need time and money, therefore we can say that: girls = time × money Everyone knows that time is money: time = money girls = money × money girls = money2 Now, we all know that money is the root of all evil, so we can conclude that: money = √evil girls = (√evil)2 girls = evil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midtime Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 It is a well known fact that girls need time and money, therefore we can say that: girls = time × money Everyone knows that time is money: time = money girls = money × money girls = money2 Now, we all know that money is the root of all evil, so we can conclude that: money = √evil girls = (√evil)2 girls = evil Hey, I told that to you a long time ago. And a friend of mine told it to me (He was biased against girls, of course). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julie_kofoed1980 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 its an old joke - funnily enough people were talking about that very joke at a dinnerparty I went to last saturday :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parshy Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 heres one Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish. The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island. The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island. The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigma Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I got this from a TV show I dont know if people find it funny and if it goes here but I love it! Andy: My father always said that glue will fix anything! *vase breaks* Friend: Maybe your father should buy better glue. -Andy Larkin and Friend - Whats With Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Original Luna Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I got a Harry Potter one liner: The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support. another: When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent. Especially if I can't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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