What is Love?

[KyokoHateshinai]

Hey guys,

 

Just wondering on your views on love in general. I don't believe my parents love me (yes, they don't). It's not like they treat me badly, but I don't feel like they really care about me. What IS love? No matter how hard I try to live to their expectations, or do what ever they want me to do, they don't really care about it. They just want me to fit in their mold. But even when I do, they're always talking about somebody else. When I was younger, I didn't want to go swimming and my parents would literally leave me at home and and go swimming with my cousins.

 

I don't have a boyfriend and I don't want one because I don't believe in love. I don't believe anyone can treat you better than your parents because you're their child. But since I even don't believe in my parent's love, I don't see how I can believe another person can love me. The most I can believe is that they love me for an image they have of me but that image will fall out once we start dating.

 

What do you guys think? What/why do you believe is love?

[Saxen]

To me, love isn't strictly definable. I believe there are many types of love, and it means different things to different people. Everybody has their own perception of what love is, which is possibly why you believe what you do about your parents; your idea of love differs from theirs. I didn't think my Mum loved me when I was younger, but as I've grown up I understand that she has her own idea of love and she loves me in that way. Just because it's not how I would behave or show my love as a parent doesn't mean to say that she does not love me.

 

I've been in love with partners and it's never been the same each time. I wouldn't swear off having a boyfriend because you don't currently believe in love. Being with someone is a valuable life experience, even if you don't find yourself falling in love with them (sometimes it takes a little while to!), it's still important to give yourself that chance and open up to the possibility that someone could love you very deeply. And in reguard to what you said about your image, that's much less likely to happen if you're yourself and honest with whoever you're dating, and if you're really worried about that it might be better to be friends first before getting in to a relationship.

 

Well, that's my two pennies anyway!

[yasha]

I agree with saxen about there being a lot of different typos of love. The love a parent and child have for each other is completely different than the kind of love you'd have with a spouse. Love can have so many meanings and can be used in so many different ways and feelings, which also causes me to believe that most people these days don't know what true love with a spouse or bf/gf actually is.

To me, if I were to say I'd be in love with a guy as boyfriend or husband material, it would mean I'd take his wants and needs before mine. it means I would never do anything that would hurt him just because I'd want to do it. Personally, I don't really trust people enough to get into a romantic relationship with them because everywhere I go, everywhere I look, i see and hear about people cheating on their partner or being cheated on. These people that cheat on their partners, especially when they're already married, they seem to actually think they still love their husband/wife but in my eyes, I don't think they do. How can you say you still love them like when you're doing something that would hurt them if they found out? I understand in some situations due to some events, however rare, someone HAS to do something that would hurt their partner, but in the end it should be because they had best intentions in mind, not out of selfish desires.

 

As for your parents not loving you... I would want to say every parent loves their child, but I don't actually believe that... However, I do believe most parents love and care for their offspring, but like saxen said, they might just show it in a different way than you would expect. I don't really know much about your relationship with your parents, but from what you said, it doesn't sound that bad yet so I'm sure they care about you.

[siniri]

You might want to look up the languages of love. As Saxen said, different people have different ways of expressing their love. And for parents, it's even harder because they have all the baggage of how they were raised, and want to do better. They're trying to shape you into a person who will be a happy, successful adult, so sometimes showing their love might mean going against your current happiness, so that you learn a lesson. I can't really speak to the swimming incident(s), but I know that there was a movie that didn't sound that interesting to me, so my mom took my two siblings and left me home alone. She'd dragged me to other movies I hadn't enjoyed, and really, It wouldn't have been exactly fair to her and my siblings if they hadn't been able to see the movie they wanted to just because I didn't want to go, too. I think part of growing up is learning that you can have different interests than your loved ones, do separate things you each enjoy, but still come back together at the end of the day.

 

If you and your parents have different languages of love, it might be hard for you to recognize their expressions of love. Maybe you could take the quiz as a family and discuss the results. What's a little strange is one of the ways my mom expresses her love is giving gifts, but that's not really how she receives love -- she receives love through service and spending quality time (which are also ways she expresses love, too, and I think more natural to her). I think these disconnections can happen because of differences between oneself and one's parents, or a lack of something growing up.

 

It's hard for parents to know their kids because we're constantly changing, and they sometimes have trouble keeping up. And sometimes we'll develop different values than them, or have wildly different personalities and interests. You can't choose your family, and sometimes they don't get along, but that doesn't mean you can't get along with anyone. You can choose your friends and spouse, based on what you value, and if you choose people with whom you get along, have common interests, and similar values, you'll grow to love one another.

 

I've realized that for me, there's really only one criterion I want in a friend or spouse: they make me want to be a better person when I'm around them. (This obviously requires us to have similar values and interests, in order for me to value their opinion.) I've had friends who've told me (not in the exact same words) that they value our friendship because I make them want to be a better person. Sure, no one is perfect. We often hurt the ones we love -- we can hurt them precisely because of the depth of our mutual love; a stranger's words will never cut as deep, because we don't have expectations for them. But part of loving, for me, is trying to see things from the other's perspective and giving them the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are good. For example, as I've gotten older, I've understood my mom a lot more and know that she really does love me and want the best for me, even though she didn't always see me as I really was.

 

Not sure if any of that helped. It's perfectly okay to want to remain single for life. I do, too. But I think it's better to decide that based on what you want out of life, rather than out of fear that someone might hurt you. Easier said than done.

[KyokoHateshinai]

Thanks guys for all suggestions.

 

I don't want to be single for life tbh lol. But the fear of someone hurting me is so strong that I'm really scared to date anyone. Not to mention all the guys I know are my friends for years and they all know each other. I'm so scared of going out with one of them and when something goes wrong, I lose all my other friends as well. (Yes, gossip spreads like wildfire)

 

As to being "myself", I honestly grew up trying to be the person that everyone wanted me to be. I know I should be "myself" but I don't really know what that is anymore. I just know that people usually enjoy my company because I'm considerate towards them, but honestly not because I really want to. Because let's face it, listening to other people all the time isn't exactly fun.

 

With my parents, I guess I wouldn't say they don't love me. But they're always busy in their own world. I guess they feel tied down with family life so they want to take a breather. I say breather...but they're gone most of the time. There has been days where I don't see my parents for more than 1 hour a day for a period of time.

 

I know I sound paranoid, but thanks for all the suggestions/comments :)

[booboofah]

I agree with siniri. Everyone express love differently and it's possible your parents express in it a certain way. At the same time, if you feel unloved, then there is obviously something lacking. Maybe if you talk with them (if you're comfortable talking to them about the issue), you can express how you feel. They could be oblivious to what is going on. How are your relationships with your friends?

 

It's good that you acknowledge that you have a fear of losing other people, because acknowledging what is going on is one step forward. As with love, loving yourself is the first path to loving someone else. It takes time to get over your fears. Have you lost any friends before? Did it affect you deeply?