I really need some help and I don't know where to go anymore...

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

I feel like my heart is in my throat. Everything is getting really screwed up again and I'm feeling out of control and I don't know how to stop. I am a drug addict, I've been sober for over a year and I've been doing really well. I've been taking my medication regularly and I haven't had any bad thoughts. I'm enrolled in college and trying to be a capable person. I've screwed up a lot in the past. I was hospitalized for a week because I completely broke apart (into a million little pieces). I lost all of my friends at that point... everyone abandoned me and left me to die on the street. My mother even kicked me out of her house after I was released.

 

Its been a really long road... and I've stumbled a lot but my life finally felt like it was on track. I've been living with my best friend of 11 years and we have 4 cats and a dog. He's my entire world and the only one who came to save me when everyone else had written me off. But things aren't okay. He recently got a boyfriend (which, honestly, I'm really really happy for him) but he's never home anymore. He goes to his new boyfriends (they started dating tonight) 3 days out of the week and he's always working or at school the rest of the time. He promised me that he'd take this slow and not rush because he knows how fragile I am. He knows that once I start feeling out of control that bad things happen and I start to hurt myself.

 

I sound so selfish right now... and it makes me hate myself more. But I haven't really seen him lately. I've been locked in this apartment (except for work) because he has the only car and I don't really have any other friends. I feel isolated and alone. We had this long talk yesterday about how its becoming too much for me and my anxiety is getting really bad. His boyfriend was supposed to come over Saturday (all day) and hang out (because I haven't really gotten to meet him) which I said was fine but my roommate wanted him to spend the entire weekend with us. I haven't gotten any real time with my friend for pretty much this entire week. He promised me that Sunday would be our day since he spends Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays with Tyler... and now Saturday but tonight he came home and told me that Tyler is going to spend the night here because he almost didn't come home tonight but he wanted to talk to me about everything.

 

So Tyler is supposed to be here from Saturday to Sunday and then my roommate is going back to Tylers on Monday. I'm just getting really uncomfortable with everything and I'm feeling really trapped. I want to say something because I don't want to resent Tyler but I feel like such a jerk. I don't want to be that person but I'm starting to get scared that I'm going to be left alone again and I want to hurt myself. I want to safe myself from feeling that again and I know I can't. I don't know what to do... someone help me please.

[~Xandria]

I just sent you a message, hope you don't mind. All I can say is that I can relate perfectly to how you are feeling. I don't know your entire situation but based on what you've provided it does sound like you have some co-dependency issues. This is very common in people with anxiety disorders/depression. I deal with this issue as well, although it's geared toward my boyfriend. Once you are able to properly manage your anxiety and depression, those feelings will go away. I'm not all the way "healed" but I am getting better day by day.

 

Also, about the drug addiction thing.. I've been down that road before too. It's all to easy to fall prey to addiction when you are dealing with mental disorders. They provide an easy short-term outlet of happiness and content. It's (as I'm sure you already know) a superficial outlet and not a long-term solution though. I hope you are able to find a good therapist with whom you can tackle these issues with. I've been seeing my new therapist once a week for three weeks now (this is the first time I've done ANYTHING about my issues in the last 5 years). I have the tendency to isolate and mope around and refuse help. The day I took that first step to getting better though, I knew from the very start that there was a glimmer of hope. Each week I'm feeling better and better, looking more hopeful, and having less and less panic attacks, fits of anger, etc. It takes time and dedication on your part. You have to want to get better, you have to listen to your therapist and do your homework. In the end, it is very worth it. Please honey, do get help. Don't just keep letting your issues overwhelm you.

 

(hugs)

[vyvren]

I wish I could offer something - anything at all - to make you feel if only just a little bit better! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I think Xandria has a point; based on what you've written, it does sound like you have some co-dependency issues. To that I can relate. It's easy/-ier to have your own happiness depend on someone else and their actions, but it's not healthy - for you or for them.

 

Your friend sounds like he is in the first stage of his relationship, and that is a heavy stage where you can't see enough of each other. Even though your friend cares a lot for you, and I'm sure he does, it has to be hard for him to put himself aside to be there for you.

 

Are you seeing someone? A therapist? Are you/ have you considered going to a meeting for recovering drug addicts?

I have no own experience with drugs, so I'm very sorry if I've said the wrong thing :(

 

*hugs*

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

Xandria: Thank you, honey. I responded. I'm feeling a little better... kinda. I tried to talk it over with him but I feel like he's just getting frustrated with me because he doesn't get it. He's never had a mental disorder, he's never had an addiction, and I move in with him and its automatically like "You need to stop smoking, it makes me sad.", "that's unhealthy, why are you doing that?", "It seems like you've just dropped one addiction for another", "You were supposed to stop, why haven't you? Do you even want to?". I feel lectured and (my kitty cat just came to say hello, by the way) like I don't really have any say in certain things I do. Never mind the fact that we're so tight on money I can't even afford to go pick up my $4 prescription from Walmart so I haven't taken my anti-depressants in a few days. I'm such a mess and I feel like its only getting worse but I don't know how to stop it while I'm still above water. I'm so frustrated.

 

Vy: <3 You couldn't say anything wrong when your intentions behind your words are pure and kind. I can't afford help right now and I don't have any way to get help but I do need to see a therapist. I know that. I've been through more then I described on here (I just mentioned the stuff that was relevant for this situation). I have to work that stuff out and I can't do it alone... I just don't have the means to do it now.

[karmacow]

So sorry to hear that things are bad for you right now :(

Have you told your friend that you're in a really bad place right now? I know you said that you've talked, but if he had understood how bad things are, I think his response would have been another? I don't know.

[~Xandria]

Do you live in the states? I'm just curious because I know all too well how hard it is to afford mental health care/regular health care. Especially when you are a young adult just starting out and don't have your parents to rely on. It can be a big issue. I do know that if you take the time to do some research you will find free clinics that are semi-close to your area. I would help you find them, but don't wanna ask where you live cause that would come off as creepy. :P

 

But... if you type into google "(your county/city) free mental health services". Then I'm sure you will be able to find something there. There are a lot of places that offer free therapy as well as free group therapy. Do you have a job? If you are unemployed it will be completely free (usually, depending on the place) If you are employed they will go based off your income. I have a mental health clinic down the street that I see for $14 a week, that's all they charge me because I'm low income. So try to do some research on that and see what you come up with.

 

About your friend, I'm sure you already know that most people who have never suffered through mental illness are not going to understand it. That is why it is so crucial to have a good therapist. They DO understand it. They have took the time and dedication to study it because they want to help people. Most of the time people become therapists because they have dealt with (and overcome) these issues in the past. Having someone who understands and wants to help you can make a significant difference when you feel like you are all alone.

 

Sending love and positive vibes your way. :wub_anim:

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

Fatfish: He's trying to understand but he's trying not to resent me. He told me that he shouldn't have to ask my permission or be doubting what he wants to do with Tyler because of me. I don't want to inprison him and I've told him that over and over. That I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm not trying to ruin his life, I'm just trying to make sure this doesn't get too hard on me just because of everything that's been going on. I don't sleep, I don't leave this apartment, I don't really do anything (outside of my assisting) and he's just gone all the time with the only car. What am I supposed to do besides what I'm doing now? Its not fair and its not right and then he just accused me of making him feel like a jerk and got really angry at me for being mad at him (I'm not mad, I'm scared). So that was fun. I have a REALLY hard time expressing my feelings just because of my countless family issues so when they get misconstrued, I get frustrated. I don't know. Things are so... bad right now.

 

Xandria: I found a sliding scale clinic already. Its only $25 a visit and they'll help me with everything. I don't have $25. I don't have anything. I'm at $0.99 in my bank account. I work two different teaching assisting jobs and I appealed my financial aid... it just hasn't gone through yet which has left me.... really screwed. I still have to pay for my tuition and everything else. Its like I'm drowning in bills I just can't do anything about right now. I'm so... grumpy about it all. I keep hitting major road blocks and I just have to sit there until they're figured out.

[Rebecca~]

I'm am so sorry to hear this. :( I have lots of hugs if you want them.

I assume that you don't have any family that you can trust to lend you a little money, or to be a part of a Team You? You mentioned your mum, but you do have any grandparents, aunts, uncles, a father, or siblings?

 

Personally, I would try not to worry about seeming like a jerk to your friend- you have to deal with your health first. If anything, I think he is acting like a bit of a jerk. I totally get the phase he's going through, where he doesn't want to leave his new partner, but I was there, and I made sure to make time for my friends. I made sure that we had time to hang out without any of our partners being around.

 

Is there anyone that is also working at either of your workplaces that you get along with well? If there is, perhaps trying to form a closer relationship with them may help some things a little. It could get you out of the house a little more, and it may make you feel less abandoned by your friend. It's always good to have as large of a support network as you can get, anyway.

 

I am probably not very helpful, but I am sending good vibes your way. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this!

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

I sent my father to jail so I don't talk to him anymore. My grandmother is a racist that's really scary and my aunt is really mean. My half sister is 30 and works all the time. I don't really have any other family. My kids are keeping me going. I love teaching and just don't get to go there enough. I need a support system but I just don't have one.

 

Hugs are awesome. <3 thank you for the good vibes. I appreciate it.

[Rebecca~]

Ugh, I`m sorry that your family is so terrible. D:

Since being around kids is so helpful, and you enjoy it, are you able to do some extra work at the school on a volunteer basis (assuming that you can`t get more hours otherwise)? It would at least get you out of the house a little more!

-lots and lots of hugs- -and cookies- <3

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

I don't work in the school system, I work for an after school program. I can't exactly get more hours and I don't have any where to get over there without a car. :/

[cleomiele]

I'm sorry this is happening to you :( <3 *hugs*

 

I don't know your roommate and/or his relationship well enough to make any concrete evaluations, but it seems to me like he probably is just feeling trapped and overwhelmed by the situation he is trying to help you come out of. I understand him wanting to see his new partner very often, but I also think, like Rebecca, that he is being a little selfish and insensitive by not making time for you as well when you say that you need it. We know that you're not trying to rule his life or be unreasonable--you have every reason to want him to be there for you sometimes, especially when you need someone to support and help you most! I'm sorry that he seems to not be understanding that :( could you perhaps, in a very non-confrontational way, try to communicate that you feel a little stir-crazy without being able to leave and without having anyone to talk to or hang out with? I hope that you can somehow convey your feelings and that he will understand better very soon :( It's not very kind of him to get mad at you for feeling that way, especially when he takes the car so often. I know he might be frustrated, but still.

 

On the topic of transportation, I assume that there isn't some kind of public transit system you can take to go places when your roommate doesn't have a car? :( or one that doesn't cost money, in any case? Maybe you could look into it online. Hopefully your financial aid will go through soon!

 

I wish I could help more <3 this is kind of a jumbled response, but it's such a frustrating situation. All I can say is that you know we'll be here for you at TDN, and keep us up to date with what's happening. We'll try to help you as best as we can, even if all we can do is listen!

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

He just doesn't really... listen to what I say. I mean I tell him and he understands, but then as soon as Tyler is legitimately involved, he just forgets that anything ever happened and the conversation never took place. Last night he was like "Would you be uncomfortable if we cuddle" and I was like "No, just don't be all over eachother and on top of one another." and he was like "Oh of course not!" Then tonight he PULLS his boyfriend on top of him while we're watching a movie. Its like EVERYTHING I say just doesn't matter or that Tyler's feelings are more important then mine. They were like whispering and giggling a lot and bringing me into the conversation only sometimes. I don't know. I just felt really... third wheelish which is something I told him I was worried about.

 

I don't know. I've tried talking rationally, I've tried being level headed about it but he just won't listen or he's like "well this is how I feel and I'm going to resent you if this is how it has to be". Its not fair. I've tried to communicate but what the hell is the point if he doesn't listen and take what we agree on? :/

[Rebecca~]

Ugh, he sounds like a terrible friend at the moment. >: ( I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, on top of everything else!

Perhaps you should just say, point blank, "Your actions are hurting me."

I don't know if it will help, it's but hopefully stating it just like that will kind of knock a little sense into him- it's not just that you're upset that you two aren't hanging out very much right now, but that the way he is treating you- ignoring what you say, and doing whatever he wants to, is actually HURTING you.

 

:(

And crap, about your work just being after school programs. :(

Is there anything within walking distance of your home that could get you out of the house a little each week? I know some areas are pretty sparse when it comes to anything that doesn't cost a tonne of money (and it can be even harder finding something that is free that you enjoy!), but... I live in the east side of my city, and there is a large percentage of poor people living in the area, so a lot of things have drop in days that are free, or by donation. A yoga school not too far from me does this- I think it's just Monday mornings, or something, but considering that a lot of yoga classes are 20$+ each, I shan't complain (even though I still haven't tried it out, LOL)! The local art gallery has by-donation days on Tuesdays, so you could technically get in for free there.

Like I said, I don't know your area, so it may be that you just can't get to anything without some sort of transportation (and public transit is both unreliable and costly after a while!), but it may be worth checking out. Being housebound is no good for anyone's headspace, no matter how much they choose to be housebound, and they like it. After a while, you just need to get out and about. So I hope there is something you can do!

<3

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

I'm trying not to be angry with him. I'm trying to just let things be and let him do whatever he's going to do because it doesn't matter what I say. The whole "Your actions are hurting me" wouldn't work. I don't think it matters. Its just "more stress" that he can't deal with. He keeps going on about how he's super stressed and he doesn't have a lot of free time. But its like... he goes over there until 2-3am (about 7 hours) every time he goes over there and he's home and hanging out for me for maybe a max of 3 hours the entire week. I'm so tired of thinking about this but if I ignore it too long then I might implode or something.

 

He's making me feel guilty for feeling like this. I don't feel like I should feel guilty when he knows how hard everything has been on both of us. If it was when life was a lot easier and a lot better, it wouldn't be so bad and I would probably be okay... but he doesn't care. Its just like... he doesn't care. I wanted to hit him when he's like "Most people would be like "Well, we're together and that's just how it is" ." We were NEVER "most people" and that's exactly how he's ACTING which is the important part. I've been trying to distract myself with NP but... even that's just bringing me down. :/ Its so hard.

 

PS. Your hissi is awesome.

[karmacow]

I'm sorry :( It sounds like an impossible situation if every conversation you have is wiped clean every time the conclusion doesn't suit him. Do you think he would be receptive if you specifically told him when he has gone back on something you've agreed on? I mean, you can't argue with facts but I've got a feeling that he would anyway... Just a suggestion, which might or might not work.

[Rebecca~]

Ugh, I kind of want to give him a smack upside the head. :(

It sounds like he's not receptive to anything right now.

-hugs- Try to remember that you're completely justified in feeling hurt by what he's doing, and that you shouldn't be guilty at all.

 

(Aww, thanks! It took me a minute to realise that you were talking to me, I keep forgetting that he's a Hissi now! LOL)

[passiflora]

I'm very sorry you have to go through all of this, and I hope things get better for you soon!

 

 

I've never been a very good advice-giver, and I can't say I can really relate to your situation. :( However, I did notice a few people mention counselling/therapy, and I think it would be really great to have another support system in place besides your friend. Since you're a college student, you might want to ask your school if they offer any counselling services; many colleges and universities provide that for free.

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

I feel like I'm going to cry again. I woke up today and they were just gone. Tyler was supposed to stay here until 6 pm and then my roommate and I were going to hang out after that but they're just gone. We're really poor so we have like no food in the house and all I get is a note saying "we went to go eat at Tyler's. Be back later." Cool. Leave me here. He always leaves me here. I want to scream in his face, make him hurt as bad as I'm hurting but it doesn't matter. I don't matter anymore. I should be used to this, yaknow? Its not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last. I'm just not really worth sticking around with. I wish I had some shisha or something. This sucks. Everything sucks. I'm not going to be able to pay for college so I'm going to get dropped, my loans are going to get out of deferment so I'm going to be hit with those bills, my roommate is going to leave me to rot in this apartment, I'm just going to sit here alone... and stay here alone.

[Tsalagi_Phoenix]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always send me a message.

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

Thank you, sweetheart.

 

This post has been edited by a member of staff (Crimson) because of a violation of the forum rules.

Please keep your posts at 7 words or above.

Please check your user inbox to see if you have been contacted regarding this incident, then review our rules.

[Tsalagi_Phoenix]

You're welcome. How are you feeling right now?

[Rebecca~]

Awww, hun. :( I can't believe he's sticking you in this situation. -hugs-

I don't really know what you can do, aside from telling him just how hurtful he is, but if he doesn't listen, that won't really do much. :(

Please, keep us updated on how you're doing. <3

[RenegadeCatastrophe]

I'm doing a lot better now. I was really upset this morning but after a few hours to calm down and have a day to myself, I feel better. I talked to an old friend that I missed dearly since the hospital incident. I decided to put on some nailpolish and try to turn tomorrow into a self pampering day. Then I have work and stuff on Tuesday so =).

 

I need to take things slow and start feeling better by myself. He'll come back and things will regulate once he stops being so obsessed with his boyfriend. So, I'll just wait it out and distract myself until then.

[Rebecca~]

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that! :D Yeah, being able to make yourself feel good when you're alone is an important (and often quite difficult) thing to be able to do. :) I hope your pampering day goes fabulously! :)