Cheating

[Bubbleline]

First of all, what do you folks consider to be "cheating" in a relationship? A drunken kiss, a crush on another person, the full on "sneaking back into the house at 4 am with lipstick on your collar"? My father just told me about a situation he was trying to smooth over between 2 of his guild mates in another game. A man in his guild started having feelings for a woman and started flirting with her. She didn't reciprocate his feelings and rejected him, though maybe after letting it go a bit too far. My problem is, the guy is married! I felt horrible after hearing that. Imagine being in his wife's shoes. How would you handle that? Would you consider that cheating? I think it's the worse kind of cheating because it's emotional. They're giving their heart to another person. How would you possibly deal with that?

 

Also, there have been many times where I'd get into a huge argument with my friend because she would either cheat on her boyfriend, or she'd go after a guy that had a partner. I realize that it's her life an her choices, but I cannot agree with that! Especially because she rationalized it like "Oh, well, he says she's cruel and neglecting anyway. And I saw her and she's a cow. And if she wanted to keep him she'd blah blah blah." She never met this poor woman and she was going off of the words of a cheating man! Yet she had the audacity to try and blame it on the other woman. I love my friend, but that made me sick.

 

So my questions today are: How would you deal with cheating? Is there a certain point where it's acceptable/forgivable or would it instantly be over after that? What do you think is worse, emotional cheating or physical cheating? Have you ever cheated or do you think you would?

This is a topic that really gets to me. I have so many problems with it and there are so many variables. It also brings up the topic of polyamory. Perhaps humans aren't meant to be monogamous. Lemme hear what you all think. :)

[Welcome Back Apathy]

Cheating needs to be one of those things that's mutually agreed upon by the two people in the relationship. It can be kissing, more, whatever, as long as the two agree. BUT. Any time someone does any of those things and then lies about it--that is ALWAYS cheating!

 

In my own relationship, my hubby and I kiss other people all the time--jokingly, with friends, at theatre parties. It's one of those musical theatre things--actors are like that. But we only do it in front of each other, with each other's permission, knowing that it means nothing. We trust each other. If, however, I found out that he kissed someone else and then lied to me about it, I'd wonder if he was hiding something. So I guess emotional cheating is worse for me, because the physical part isn't the part that bothers me.

 

As for "the other person"--I would never blame the other woman. (Or man, if it came to that.) Even if they know. It is ALWAYS the cheater's fault, not the other person. That said...don't let a married person cheat with you, if you know. Or someone in a relationship. No matter what excuses they use. If the person claims that his/her partner is abusive, help that person get OUT of the abusive relationship. Cheating will not help the abusive relationship!

 

By the way, I have nothing against polygamy. Or polyamory. Whatever. All I need to know is that every person in the relationship consents to each aspect of it.

[Bubbleline]

Cheating needs to be one of those things that's mutually agreed upon by the two people in the relationship. It can be kissing, more, whatever, as long as the two agree. BUT. Any time someone does any of those things and then lies about it--that is ALWAYS cheating!

 

In my own relationship, my hubby and I kiss other people all the time--jokingly, with friends, at theatre parties. It's one of those musical theatre things--actors are like that. But we only do it in front of each other, with each other's permission, knowing that it means nothing. We trust each other. If, however, I found out that he kissed someone else and then lied to me about it, I'd wonder if he was hiding something. So I guess emotional cheating is worse for me, because the physical part isn't the part that bothers me.

 

As for "the other person"--I would never blame the other woman. (Or man, if it came to that.) Even if they know. It is ALWAYS the cheater's fault, not the other person. That said...don't let a married person cheat with you, if you know. Or someone in a relationship. No matter what excuses they use. If the person claims that his/her partner is abusive, help that person get OUT of the abusive relationship. Cheating will not help the abusive relationship!

 

By the way, I have nothing against polygamy. Or polyamory. Whatever. All I need to know is that every person in the relationship consents to each aspect of it.

 

Lying would definitely be my main problem with cheating. I always feel that I could forgive my partner for doing something as long as they tell me the truth. And I'm not so sure if I agree with it always being 100% of the cheater's fault. Yes, they should have self-control and such, but if the person that they're cheating with knows they have a spouse or something, I think the fault also lies partially with them. However, I don't like how so many people will immediately assume that the "other woman/man" is the bad guy and instantly go after them instead of just confronting their partner. I see that so often in those trashy shows like Cheaters and Maury and it's so often that the "other" person was unaware that they were with a cheater.

[vyvren]

This is a topic that really get to me too /:

 

Not having been in the situation myself, I can't swear what my actions would be like, but emotionally I feel that there, for me, is no forgiving any kind of cheating. As to which kind of cheating - physical or emotional - would be worse than the other, I have no idea. There's a part of me that thinks that there can't be any physical cheating if the cheating part has feelings for the one being cheated on, which intertvines the both for me.

 

I wouldn't be able to forgive, because I wouldn't be able to forget, which would mean that I'd have a constant fear of the cheating happening again and that would gnaw away the love I had for the person cheating. I don't believe that there is any acceptable excuse for cheating.

 

As for the situation in your fathers guild, that's betrayal in more than one way. To want to cheat and, when it doesn't work out, just go back to a life with his wife.

[sarahesque]

Cheating is a gray area for me, but I'd anything clothing-optional goes way across the physical cheating line. Kissing I'm a little more open about, but it has to be consensual for both members of the relationship (as well as, yanno, the person being kissed ;D). I agree with Karina though, what cheating is needs to be agreed on by those in the relationship.

 

Emotional cheating is 100% worse in my opinion. Relationships should be built on trust and a mutual respect for each other, and I don't think you can have respect for someone you're keeping secrets from. Of course, that's implying that the cheater is keeping it a secret - but I still don't think they have respect for their partner if they are rubbing it in their face, either.

 

It's natural for people to find others attractive, physically and emotionally. There isn't anything wrong with that. For me, it becomes cheating when it goes beyond a simple thought or comment and starts to become something that upsets the balance of the current relationship.

 

I also definitely weight the blame towards the one that is cheating, not the person their cheating with. However, circumstances are varied, so as long as everything was truthfully shared and the cheater makes the effort not to cheat again, then I could possibly forgive. I've never been in the situation, so I can't say for certain.

 

I personally don't think polyamory works out, since I think jealousies would occur even if people agreed to be in a polyamorous relationship.

[delphinebar]

I cheated on a boyfriend oncee- he wasn't a bad guy but I was miserable dating him, I was in college and kissed somebody else at the bar, but stopped it before it went any further. I told my boyfriend, I never thought about trying to hide it, but cheating was the symptom of being unhappy in the relationship and it took this event for me to realize that I wasn't happy and it wasn't working. It was not the right thing to do, at all, but in the long run my ex and I are both better off. So I'd say its a gray area for me as well- sneaking around and lying is not okay, but its always better to listen to your instincts about your relationship and sometimes things just don't work out

[Bubbleline]

I personally don't think polyamory works out, since I think jealousies would occur even if people agreed to be in a polyamorous relationship.

 

I'm not a polyamory expert or anything, but I have done my homework. From what I understand, jealousy wouldn't really be an issue. Polyamorous relationships aren't meant to be an excuse for 1 person to have a harem. Usually, the people in the relationship all agree to it and all know what comes with it, so they work together in the relationship. Instead of 2 or more people all going after 1 person, they all share intimacies and relationships with each other. I don't really see room for jealousy in that.

[littlemushro0m]

If you're going to cheat on someone, at least have the decency and respect to leave them first. I don't care if they treat you like crap or whatever. It's just rude and low. If you wouldn't want someone doing it to you, don't do it to other people. >_>

 

Also - if you think there's any chance that you may end up cheating on your s/o, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

[khaos]

I'm certainly not one to talk about this kinda stuff (considering my age of 11), but my cousins' experiences, my parent's previous experiences and a ton of shows I've seen gives me a good perspection on the matter.

 

I personally think that one should definetely [spelling?] NOT cheat. When you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you commit your love for the other person, similar to marriage but not quite that long term. Loving another person at the same time lowers the specialty of the love you commit for the other person, because it's being sent to 2 (or more) people at once.

 

As for my future, when I have a girlfriend, i would NEVER cheat on her. I sometimes think that in the future i would never have those kind of problems you see on TV, and just be sorta chill with my possibly hypothetical future girlfriend. I further thought about this when my mom's friend came over, and was talking about her niece's problems in a relationship, both her and her bestfriend's relationships involved cheating

 

If I had/have to deal with cheating in the future, i would probably take it a bit more harshly than i should. About 2 years ago, i was completely over-reacting because I liked a girl and she didn't like me, and now I feel kinda stupid about it because i realized how overly dramatic it was. :P If i took that as bad as i did, I'd probably take cheating a terrible way, too.

 

I'd say cheating is something forgivable. A fellow TDNFer was talking to me about her relationship and that his boyfriend was cheating on her, but he proved his worth by breaking up with her and doing some other stuff that i don't know and shouldn't explain here anyway. This continues from the previous paragraph. If the girl who cheated on me said that she really wanted to get back together with me, I'd tell her she'd have to prove her worth. I'm not sure how though, but i have a couple of good years to think about that. :P

 

I think both ways of cheating are equally bad (assuming physical cheating is conducting in sexual activity without actually loving the other person). When you have a bf/gf, (s)he's supposed to be someone special to you, not just some person to entertain you. And it certainly does not make you "cool" in any sort of way. As for emotional cheating, like i said, your bf/gf is supposed to be special. Loving someone else at the same time worsens the relationship of both persons that are being cheated on, and eventually, when the person who's cheating gets bored, breaks up with both of them and doesn't care, breaking 2 hearts in one go. Eventually, they'll found out that they were being cheated on, and it'll only end up bad for the cheater because he won't have a good reputation anymore.

 

Like I said, I cannot talk any more on the matter because i have never experienced a relationship, but ask me in about 3 or 4 years and I'll get back to you on that. :P

[Finn the Human]

hah cheating.... really funny. When two people date and when someone, usually the guy has another affair.

[Rebecca~]

If you wouldn't want your partner to know what you were doing, it's probably cheating. Some couples can have open relationships and have them work, so sleeping with another person wouldn't be cheating, but with other couples, just hitting on someone is in the no-go zone.

I think that it's important for people to discuss things like this with their partners. I have with my girlfriend. We've made sure to talk about what we are or are not okay with.

[complicatedwishes]

From my personal experiences I would never ever cheat. I've had it done to me by my current partner. I know him and my friend were both at fault, but I mostly blamed her because she knew I was with him and she lied to him, pretending that she didn't know who I was. Unfortunately I still have dreams about her, I hate her guts, but I have got her blocked on every social networking site possible. I forgave him, eventually, after a year or so. It's hard to completely forget when someone hurts you, especially when it's to such a large extent. You may be hurting at the time, but life does move on, whether you move on with or without the person still in your life. Every situation is different but in mine I realised I was able to try forgive him.

[Rebecca~]

From my personal experiences I would never ever cheat. I've had it done to me by my current partner. I know him and my friend were both at fault, but I mostly blamed her because she knew I was with him and she lied to him, pretending that she didn't know who I was. Unfortunately I still have dreams about her, I hate her guts, but I have got her blocked on every social networking site possible. I forgave him, eventually, after a year or so. It's hard to completely forget when someone hurts you, especially when it's to such a large extent. You may be hurting at the time, but life does move on, whether you move on with or without the person still in your life. Every situation is different but in mine I realised I was able to try forgive him.

I'm sorry that happened to you- and by a friend as well. :(

I'm curious though- why do you blame your friend more than your partner? Obviously your partner knew you were together, and lied to you-- he still slept with someone else while in a committed relationship with you.

I'm pretty amazed that you were able to forgive your partner though- I don't think I could ever do that! I do hope that you're happy with him now. :)

[complicatedwishes]

I'm sorry that happened to you- and by a friend as well. :(

I'm curious though- why do you blame your friend more than your partner? Obviously your partner knew you were together, and lied to you-- he still slept with someone else while in a committed relationship with you.

I'm pretty amazed that you were able to forgive your partner though- I don't think I could ever do that! I do hope that you're happy with him now. :)

 

Ah thank you, no need to be sorry. Well I was at fault too because I let it happen lol. He did tell me he was going to stay with her and I didn't question it. Like I say I know he was to blame but she knew I was with him, and pretended to him that she didn't know who I was :S

After she did that to me, she did it to two other couples, and she basically lost all her friends in this city. No one likes her now, for obvious reasons.

 

I'm amazed at myself for forgiving him to be honest, some could even say I'm a push over. Me and my partner have had our ups and downs, but in total we've been together almost 4 years which is really good considering our age. :O

[delphinebar]

Ah thank you, no need to be sorry. Well I was at fault too because I let it happen lol. He did tell me he was going to stay with her and I didn't question it. Like I say I know he was to blame but she knew I was with him, and pretended to him that she didn't know who I was :S

After she did that to me, she did it to two other couples, and she basically lost all her friends in this city. No one likes her now, for obvious reasons.

 

 

I'm amazed at myself for forgiving him to be honest, some could even say I'm a push over. Me and my partner have had our ups and downs, but in total we've been together almost 4 years which is really good considering our age. :O

 

Okay, I don't mean to pry but since you put it out there let me get this straight. Your boyfriend told you he was going to hook up with your friend. You didn't say or do anything. Your friend meanwhile pretends that she has no idea who you are, and commences to have some kind of relationship (physical? emotional? both?) with someone you consider yourself to be in a serious relationship with. At some point later, your boyfriend comes back to you and you forgive him, but somehow blame yourself for his actions? You mention your age so if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

 

By the way, your ex-friend sounds terrible. I've had a few like her- good to get toxic people like that out of your life.

[Rebecca~]

Ah thank you, no need to be sorry. Well I was at fault too because I let it happen lol. He did tell me he was going to stay with her and I didn't question it. Like I say I know he was to blame but she knew I was with him, and pretended to him that she didn't know who I was :S

After she did that to me, she did it to two other couples, and she basically lost all her friends in this city. No one likes her now, for obvious reasons.

 

I'm amazed at myself for forgiving him to be honest, some could even say I'm a push over. Me and my partner have had our ups and downs, but in total we've been together almost 4 years which is really good considering our age. :O

Wow, that friend of yours sounds like a real prize. o.o

I wouldn't say you were at fault at all. I would expect my partner to be able to stay with someone, and to not sleep with them. She is still best friends with an ex of hers, and I would trust her completely to be able to stay at his house, and not cheat on me. It is the fault of the people who did it- no one else. :)

Well, I am glad that you're happy in your relationship now. :) And four years is a long time for people of our age! :)

 

EDIT: Just to be clear: "He did tell me he was going to stay with her and I didn't question it."

I read this as "Hanging out with her, staying at her place", not as "hooking up with her". I kind of assumed that you thought that meant the same that I did, but who knows, haha.

I would guess that if you thought he would have sex with her, you would have said something.

 

Okay, I don't mean to pry but since you put it out there let me get this straight. Your boyfriend told you he was going to hook up with your friend. You didn't say or do anything. Your friend meanwhile pretends that she has no idea who you are, and commences to have some kind of relationship (physical? emotional? both?) with someone you consider yourself to be in a serious relationship with. At some point later, your boyfriend comes back to you and you forgive him, but somehow blame yourself for his actions? You mention your age so if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

 

By the way, your ex-friend sounds terrible. I've had a few like her- good to get toxic people like that out of your life.

She's 21. :) It's on her profile.

[delphinebar]

Okay haha re-reading what she said your interpretation makes much more sense, and thank you for indulging my laziness. I guess to bring this side conversation back to the topic at hand, my little story up thread happened when I was about 21, only a few years ago.. and I guess the point is that I wasn't ready or didn't want to have the kind of relationship I was in at the time, I wanted to have fun! Cheating on my boyfriend was wrong and in no way am I trying to excuse myself from that behavior. But to me the measure of a relationship is how happy you are in it, not how many years you've accomplished. 4 years is a long time to be in any relationship and its something to be proud of, but only if both partners are truly happy. And I don't mean goo-goo eyed, constant PDA, honeymoon phase happy- I mean stable and content to have this person as a partner at your side.

 

For the record, I have been cheated on by an ex as well, when I was a younger. It was kind of a similar situation, he went to a party that I didn't want to go to, he got physical with someone I knew (not a friend, thankfully) and of course it got back to me. At the time, I wanted to forgive and forget and just work on our relationship but he wasn't ready or willing to do that. At the time I was inconsolable. In the long run, breaking up with that boyfriend was absolutely 100% the right choice, it just took a little retrospect for me to be able to appreciate it.

 

I guess my point is that sometimes you have to take emotion out of the equation and ask yourself- would I be happier without him? (Or her or whatever). I'd much rather be single than in a relationship where I'm unhappy.

[Rebecca~]

Okay haha re-reading what she said your interpretation makes much more sense, and thank you for indulging my laziness. I guess to bring this side conversation back to the topic at hand, my little story up thread happened when I was about 21, only a few years ago.. and I guess the point is that I wasn't ready or didn't want to have the kind of relationship I was in at the time, I wanted to have fun! Cheating on my boyfriend was wrong and in no way am I trying to excuse myself from that behavior. But to me the measure of a relationship is how happy you are in it, not how many years you've accomplished. 4 years is a long time to be in any relationship and its something to be proud of, but only if both partners are truly happy. And I don't mean goo-goo eyed, constant PDA, honeymoon phase happy- I mean stable and content to have this person as a partner at your side.

 

For the record, I have been cheated on by an ex as well, when I was a younger. It was kind of a similar situation, he went to a party that I didn't want to go to, he got physical with someone I knew (not a friend, thankfully) and of course it got back to me. At the time, I wanted to forgive and forget and just work on our relationship but he wasn't ready or willing to do that. At the time I was inconsolable. In the long run, breaking up with that boyfriend was absolutely 100% the right choice, it just took a little retrospect for me to be able to appreciate it.

 

I guess my point is that sometimes you have to take emotion out of the equation and ask yourself- would I be happier without him? (Or her or whatever). I'd much rather be single than in a relationship where I'm unhappy.

I agree completely. Being in any relationship where one or both (or more) of the people in it aren't happy is just not healthy for any of the people involved. I would hope that people wouldn't have to cheat- it ends up hurting people, which isn't really cool, and can lead to them having serious trust issues in future relationships. But sometimes, I guess it does take a hint of what is missing from your current relationship to make you see that you ought to leave.

[complicatedwishes]

Wow, that friend of yours sounds like a real prize. o.o

I wouldn't say you were at fault at all. I would expect my partner to be able to stay with someone, and to not sleep with them. She is still best friends with an ex of hers, and I would trust her completely to be able to stay at his house, and not cheat on me. It is the fault of the people who did it- no one else. :)

Well, I am glad that you're happy in your relationship now. :) And four years is a long time for people of our age! :)

 

EDIT: Just to be clear: "He did tell me he was going to stay with her and I didn't question it."

I read this as "Hanging out with her, staying at her place", not as "hooking up with her". I kind of assumed that you thought that meant the same that I did, but who knows, haha.

I would guess that if you thought he would have sex with her, you would have said something.

 

 

She's 21. :) It's on her profile.

 

I am 21 :) and yes, you read it correctly as in he told me he was going to hang out with her

[Rebecca~]

I am 21 :) and yes, you read it correctly as in he told me he was going to hang out with her

Yeah, I really would say that you shouldn't be blaming yourself at all. You shouldn't have to worry about your partner cheating on your everytime they hang out with someone else.

[complicatedwishes]

True I suppose. Everyone's different anyway and some people forgive easier than others

[Bubbleline]

Well I was at fault too because I let it happen lol. He did tell me he was going to stay with her and I didn't question it. Like I say I know he was to blame but she knew I was with him, and pretended to him that she didn't know who I was :S

After she did that to me, she did it to two other couples, and she basically lost all her friends in this city. No one likes her now, for obvious reasons.

 

Wow, don't blame yourself for that! There is no way you could've been at fault unless you pushed them together yourself. (and even if that did happen, I don't think it's cheating at that point) I understand being mad at your friend because she knew you two were together and she flat-out lied to your boyfriend to sleep with him, but I don't understand why you blamed her more. Your boyfriend should've known better than to sleep with another woman whether or not he thought she knew you. It was his job in that situation to exercise self-control. But anywho, I'm glad you're happy now. That ex-friend sounds terrible. MY friend is really open and comfortable about her sexuality and has openly said that she thought 1 of my boyfriends was "hot", but I'd still completely trust them to spend the night together because I know at the very least, she'd reject him if he came on to her and tell me.

 

I cheated on a boyfriend oncee- he wasn't a bad guy but I was miserable dating him, I was in college and kissed somebody else at the bar, but stopped it before it went any further. I told my boyfriend, I never thought about trying to hide it, but cheating was the symptom of being unhappy in the relationship and it took this event for me to realize that I wasn't happy and it wasn't working. It was not the right thing to do, at all, but in the long run my ex and I are both better off. So I'd say its a gray area for me as well- sneaking around and lying is not okay, but its always better to listen to your instincts about your relationship and sometimes things just don't work out

 

Wow, I can understand that situation. Sometimes it does take a moment where reality slaps you in the face for you to realize that you're not truly happy with someone. I'm sure many people have been in relationships where they weren't happy, but they didn't know how to get out of it or they just didn't realize it.

[Cassia]

Ugh I hate cheaters...I used to go out with this guy who would keep hitting on my (now ex-)friend...and when I confronted him about it, he told me he would stop, so I gave him another chance. A couple of weeks later, I heard from a mutual friend that she saw them making out. When I confronted her about it, she denied it, and claimed that our mutual friend wanted to break up our friendship or something like that. But then when I asked my boyfriend, he ended up confessing and asking for ANOTHER chance. I dumped him, and right away, he goes and starts dating her. Except now he's hitting on me again. I've blocked him on most sites and changed numbers, and that got rid of him for a while, except then one day he shows up to my house and asks me to forgive him and take him back...while he's still dating my ex-friend. I almost want to get a restraining order on him XD

[Rebecca~]

Ugh I hate cheaters...I used to go out with this guy who would keep hitting on my (now ex-)friend...and when I confronted him about it, he told me he would stop, so I gave him another chance. A couple of weeks later, I heard from a mutual friend that she saw them making out. When I confronted her about it, she denied it, and claimed that our mutual friend wanted to break up our friendship or something like that. But then when I asked my boyfriend, he ended up confessing and asking for ANOTHER chance. I dumped him, and right away, he goes and starts dating her. Except now he's hitting on me again. I've blocked him on most sites and changed numbers, and that got rid of him for a while, except then one day he shows up to my house and asks me to forgive him and take him back...while he's still dating my ex-friend. I almost want to get a restraining order on him XD

Wow, what a prize guy. >.< Good on you for dumping him though!

Unfortunately, the chance of you being able to get a restraining order against him is basically nill, unless you can prove that there is a threat of violence. :( There doesn't sound like there is, though.

THOUGH, he may not know what the criteria for a restraining order is, so you could always use it as a threat.

[lilshadowdweller]

My Dad became a cheater about 2 years ago. He and my Mom are still together, though I fail to comprehend why. My Dad morphed from what I had thought to be a devoted Father to a lying, moody little man. He lied to me and he lied to my Mom. He used fights my Mother would have with him as excuse to leave for the night and be with the other woman. While I see both sides; I fail to understand why my Father, who I thought I had known, became this disgusting being.

 

Cheating is a sleazy way to "get it out" of your system. Some people feel like they've been in a relationship too longer and long to explore others; others merely crave sexual variety. In my opinion, essentially a kiss on the lips is cheating. Kissing is usually the start up to sex, and it's usually reserved for your significant other or say, family. (Normal kiss on the lips, anyway.)

 

I'm a jealous person. If my boyfriend went and cheated one me, I'd be hurt that he had lied and would be unable to get over it.

 

Unless you are in an opened relationship, (and that's very difficult from what I think), have the guts to tell your significant other. It's a sign that the relationship isn't working out for you, at least, if you can't discuss your feelings with your other.

 

I think cheaters find plenty of ways to rationalize their behaviour - like my Father, who plays the victim. Yes, his Mother recently died and most of his kids have moved out, and yes, my Mom refused to go out with him and socialize like he desired; but he remained in the relationship creating tons of hurt which would otherwise have been less painful than if he had just divorced her or something.

 

If you're cheating, you're gutless, and you're likely to cheat again. You're also likely to be possessive of your own current wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend, because you know what you do.

 

I don't think cheaters are evil, but I do find them gutless. I love my Father but won't respect his decision(s). He needs to grow up.