Is this right?

[lilshadowdweller]

The story I'm about to recall isn't a common one, but it touches my reality slightly as the women involved happens to be someone my Dad knew. She attempted to tell me her side; she hates that people judge her over it. She's a generally pleasant easy-going woman. She's friendly and approachable.

 

Anyway, her story started 13 years ago when she married. They had a good relationship and a son together. But soon into their marriage, her husband fell sick. I can't remember what he fell ill with, but he was very sick. He would never recover. Eventually, his situation progressed in a very short time - to the present, where he know cannot even move but is of course conscience.

 

For years, she took care of him, supported him. But she got tired. She couldn't take him out with her, he was too sick. He couldn't do much with his son due to his illness. The doctors would tell him that he didn't have long, but he did live on, in his meek condition. She balanced taking care of both him and his son. She felt her son had no Father, and longed for him to experience one.

 

Yes, her son did visit the Father, but he couldn't do any of those fatherly-like things. All he ever knew was sickness.

 

Anyway, it got to her. She began dating a few years back. While still married, while her husband is still alive. He is aware of the relationship, and although it makes him sad, he "gets along" with the other man.

 

She has no intention of leaving him. She still takes care of him. But now she's got another man, and he helps with the burden.

 

But people judge her harshly. After all, how would YOU feel in that situation and you were the husband? The sickness wasn't his fault, he's suffered year after year, he's had to deal with not raising his son and seeing his wife sad and wanting affection.

 

Now he has to deal with the pain of having to watch another man take his wife away. Before his death. While he suffers from something that's not his fault, which has ate away his life. It's like torture on top of torture.

 

But what would you do in her situation? How would you feel? Would you not start feeling depressed? Would you not start tiring and hoping for a normal family life?

 

She's not the only one who has faced this circumstance. One one of my friends was diagnosed with a liver illness, where she was pretty much sentenced to death - her husband quickly left her. He couldn't take her treatments, he couldn't deal with the pain of seeing her in pain and him losing his life to this sickness. So evidently, this circumstance isn't rare, except in her case, her husband had left her.

 

What's right, what's wrong in these sort of circumstances? Should she had waited for him to die? But he's still alive right now, just in a bad state. Was it selfish?

[hrtbrk]

Nope, I don't think she's selfish at all. I honestly admire the both of them very much, because while it is way easier to just walk away, they still have each others best interests at heart.

 

Bottom line is that it's not going to be easy either way, so in my opinion, it's best to make everyone as comfortable and understanding as possible.

 

Every relationship is different and I don't think there is any "right" way to go about this situation, just really a lesser of the two evils type of thing - and they seemed to have found something that works for them.

 

No judgement, only approval from me :)

[Kaana]

I don't really feel like discussing the hows and whys, but the same thing happened in my family. I was slightly shocked when I found out, but I can see why that person did that.

[lilshadowdweller]

Bottom line is that it's not going to be easy either way, so in my opinion, it's best to make everyone as comfortable and understanding as possible.

 

Every relationship is different and I don't think there is any "right" way to go about this situation, just really a lesser of the two evils type of thing - and they seemed to have found something that works for them.

 

No judgement, only approval from me :)

 

I like the way you look at it. That's a very good way. And in some light, I hope that the husband feels this way, too. Perhaps that's why he and the other man get along - because he wants his wife to be happy?

 

I don't really feel like discussing the hows and whys, but the same thing happened in my family. I was slightly shocked when I found out, but I can see why that person did that.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that Kaanana. I'm guessing it was difficult for you to relate?

[hrtbrk]

I like the way you look at it. That's a very good way. And in some light, I hope that the husband feels this way, too. Perhaps that's why he and the other man get along - because he wants his wife to be happy?

 

Agreed. It's truly the best option in their case because she could have packed up their child and took off with some guy, or she could have secretly been with other men without his "approval" and of course she could have turned to the bottle or pills as an escape.

 

This way, she still helps him, and this new man helps her. The father gets to see a potential suitor for his wife and a potential father figure for his son - and he approves.

 

Of course it's not going to be easy for the husband OR the wife, but hey. It could be much worse in my opinion.

 

Plus, they didn't rough it out and both be struggling just because of what society or their friends/family would think.

 

I don't really feel like discussing the hows and whys, but the same thing happened in my family. I was slightly shocked when I found out, but I can see why that person did that.

 

Oh no, I'm sorry! :( A million hugs *hug*

[billpika_x8]

Actually, this all makes sense. I understand that the father was crippled by a terminal illness, and thus unable to participate in the family.

[Russ]

If the husband is legitimately okay with it, then fine, but otherwise.. all I can say is that I would feel absolutely horrible if I were the person with the terminal illness in that situation.

[Zooba]

Ultimately, it's the family's choice as a whole, if both the husband and son are okay with it, and it works for them as a family, that's their choice. I think it'd have been..better..if she'd have waited for her husband to die (that sounds so macabre, but for lack of a better way to phrase it..) But if neither her husband, nor her son are feeling bad about the setup, then fine.

 

Personally, I don't think I'd be able to do this, wether I was the sick spouse or the healthy one. I haven't been through what they are going through, but I have seen my great aunt (she's 10 years older than my mother) go through this. She married in her late twenties and found out she was sterile a couple of years into her marriage. She knew her husband really wanted children so she said that she'd understand if he wanted to get a divorce (this was an arranged marriage) But he said he didn't want anybody else. Twenty years later he was diagnosed with cancer (I forget which type), he fought it for 8 years and she stayed by him the entire time. I know that towards the end, he was extremely depressed and he used to take it out on her, saying mean things and such, but throughout it all, whenever we talked to her, she said that she knew all the harsh words were from the disease and because he was frustrated. He died a little over a year ago. They didn't have children but the situation was almost the same. I'd say it was a bit worse actually, because she didn't have a son/daughter to help, and because her husband was so mean towards the end of his illness. It sounds like the woman you're talking about has a dependent husband but he doesn't sound like he's giving her a hard time.

[Emily]

I think that it's probably the best choice in this situation. I know if it were me with the illness, I would want what's best for my family, and the fact that everyone gets along and the wife is still there for him is great. I admire her courage so much, and his dignity in accepting that there's another man in their lives.

 

I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who is, for all intents and purposes, "not completely there," and the fact that she's trying her best to keep her family together while not depriving her son of childhood experiences despite how emotionally draining (and monitarily and physically, as often happens with illness) is amazing.