I need advice - calling all moms, trans and open minded folks

[minniemeggie]

My dear friend Jay is visiting from out of town. I have known Jay since I was 10 years old, however when I met Jay he was a she and his name was Julienne. He hasn't completed his treatments and still has some feminine features, like chest orbs although they have shrunk dramatically and he is getting surgery soon which is why he is staying with us.

 

Here is my dilemma, my son Jericho who is 3 sees chest orbs and automatically he thinks, mommy has those, mommy is a girl. So he continuously corrects me when I refer to Jay as a male. I tried to explain that Jay has a medical condition that causes him to have chest orbs even though he is a boy.

 

Jay has been very sweet and taken all of Jer's comments in stride but I feel so terrible knowing the struggles he faced and coming to my home as a safe haven only to have a toddler run around pointing out Jay's chest orbs to mommy saying "see mommy! Jay isn’t a BOY she's a mommy!" (mommy = girl)

 

I decided to leave it alone. I figured Jay would understand that such concepts would be extremely difficult for a three year old to understand. However my wonderful husband decided to explain to MY THREE YEAR OLD SON that Jay was a man TRAPPED inside a woman’s body.

 

My son is brilliant for a three year old, but these concepts are very complex, when you say Jay is trapped in a woman’s body he believes that a man is LITERALLY TRAPPED INSIDE a woman’s body.

 

I came home to a hysterical 3 year old screaming about how we needed to help free Jay and find a girl brain for the woman body when we free Jay.

 

I finally got him to sleep after he cried and planned weird rescue missions only a 3 year old could think of for HOURS. (Feeding Jay a rainbow so he could climb out.) If this was a week ago I wouldn't have worried about having to explaining anything to him since he would have forgotten, but lately Jericho remembers EVERYTHING.

 

What the heck am I supposed to say? How can I console my son and keep him from trying to shove colorful toys in Jay's mouth as a rescue mission.

 

Please, someone, anything.

[Batgirl]

i think the decision you made and that your friend very likely would have understood completely, made sense, to shelve it. sorry it didnt work out.

 

if your son were even 10ish i could think of a few things but honestly, 3 year olds arent my wheel well. my therefore potentially awful advice is to come up with a version of what your husband said that does NOT use the word trapped or any other terrifying word, and switch him to that version (and tbh, to encourage your husband to say he made a mistake or said it the wrong way, so that the new version is a clear signal from both parents)

[chelperk]

The only advice I can give as a ma is to try and distract your son with something else, and maybe he'll forget? I don't know, my son is 20 months old and hardly says anything but redirecting him has proven effective.

[Katsuokai]

I'm so sorry you're having trouble explaining it to your son, but it's a good thing you're trying! Maybe you could try to explain it to him as a short story instead? I think that first off, begin your story explaining that when you say ''trapped'', it isn't literal, like when he plays to be e.g. a superhero he puts on a costume and play, when it comes to trans people it's their own flesh that's their costume, a costume they don't want and that to help them come out from the costume some kind Doctors have already planned a rescue mission to save him! Doctors are kind people who know how to save people, sadly a rainbow staircase won't help Jay... so the only thing you can do is be nice, treat Jay as the boy he is and don't worry about the ''chest orbs'' and other parts of the ''costume'', since the Doctors will ''take care of them''. Jay will be sad if you don't treat him as a boy, the same as you would (probably) not like to be treated as a girl only because someone forced you to put on a princess costume with false chest orbs.

That might help him understand the situation, also, maybe you could look up some resources made mostly for transgender parents and their children on the internet... . If all that fails, maybe you could try showing him this ongoing kid-friendly and colourful webcomic, The Princess, that's about a girl who was born a boy and who meets other GLTBQ people, among others, a teenage FtM guy.

[Anime]

You mention Jay was getting surgery soon. Could you try and tell your son that the doctors will help "get him out" so to speak? The wording would likely need to be ironed out, but that's technically true and would likely calm him down and keep him from being as confused after the surgery happens. I also second Batgirl's suggestion of using a tamer word that "trapped" when you do this. Maybe "stuck", and that the doctors will "unstick" him, much in the way someone helps you get your finger out of something when you can't do it yourself?

 

Edit: Katsuokai managed to do a much better job of explaining that than I did, ha.

[Mouseykins]

My goodness the things toddlers say and come up with. My daughter will be three in a few days.

 

Distraction might be useful but it won't really help or solve anything. The mind of a three year old is developing at such a large pace, they pick up new things in a snap. What might be a good idea for your case is to explain Jay's situation as accurately as you can using simple language to help your little one understand. Just explain it somewhat delicately so you won't scare him or give him the wrong idea. Three year olds are much smarter then we give them credit for.

 

Good luck explaining to your little guy! :) *hugs*

[Azurablue]

I agree with Katsuokai. Trying to explain things to 3 years olds is a little bit like talking to a border collie. Eventually, they get to the point of understanding, but it takes a lot of work to get there. I would look around at your local bookstores and see if they have something that will explain it in terms a child can understand. You would be amazed at the range of children's books nowadays. Everything from "My Two Dads" to "Sesame Street's: We're Different, We're The Same". Something on the theme of being different might be your best angle. Try asking the bookseller if they can recommend anything. If you're lucky enough to live in a city with specialty stores for the LGBT community, try there. They might not have something, but could have suggestions on where to look and what for.

 

If you decided to try books, Amazon's got a few listed that might help, including the Sesame Street one I mentioned, "It's Okay To Be Different" (by Davida Grant), and "Being Different Is Okay" (by Todd Parr). I'm sure there are others, but this was a quick search. (I chose the 3-5 years option and used "being different" as the keywords.) Once you have the concept of difference solidly down, you can use that as a jumping off point for explaining your friend.

 

I don't have kids, so I have no firsthand advice to give. All I can do is wish you a great deal of luck with a very difficult issue.

[vyvren]

I think you've already gotten some really good advice, and as I'm not a mom myself, or have ever been in a similar situation, I don't think I have anything useful to add :( I just really wanted to say that I think you're such a sweet friend, and overall good human being for being there for your friend and really trying to help him!

[Batgirl]

I personally would not use a book for a 3 year old, for a few reasons. the biggest one being - they barely understand that toys dont cease to exist when not in sight and I feel like at that age, books do more to confuse things than to solve anything. That is not any dismissal of your friend's situation - I feel the same about religion and many other things, that there's an age that should be reached before even basic discussions take place.

 

I'd also suggest asking Jay how he feels. You may think getting a book, or having a fairly complex talk, is the right thing to do and maybe he will agree with you. otoh, maybe being treated as so different that a child must be brought into an extended, awkward discussion is the exact opposite of what he wants. maybe he would prefer your child didnt even think this was a big deal. for some people, what theyd love most in the world is for everyone, even those they love dearly, to stop putting them in a wierd category and let them be who they are. so ask yourself this - if someone who was born male had produced this response in your child what would you say then? and whatever that is, why are you NOT saying the same thing now? i hope you see that i also mean well when i ask was your first thought 'how do i correct my kid bc this is a guy?' or 'how do i explain transgender issues to my kid?'

 

there are some easier ways out of this imo. they are in a category formation stage - tell them some boys have boobs and some women dont. you have a chance to just not ingrain inflexible set mentality by NOT making this about your one friend, but making it about the fact that some guys might have boobs, that some women might not, etc.

[grouchyeve]

I think that even if your child is smart- 3 years old is way to young to be having these conversations. They don't need that kind of strife in their lives-let him remain innocent and be a child.

Change the subject and get him distracted with something else.

[minniemeggie]

I think that even if your child is smart- 3 years old is way to young to be having these conversations. They don't need that kind of strife in their lives-let him remain innocent and be a child.

Change the subject and get him distracted with something else.

 

I agree completely, and had opted not to discuss this with him however circumstances changed when my husband tried to explain it and the manner in which he explained it scared and confused my son.

 

Its not that easy to change the subject with Jericho and distract him, we tried that several times but as soon as Jay came in the room he was back on the subject.

 

I personally would not use a book for a 3 year old, for a few reasons. the biggest one being - they barely understand that toys dont cease to exist when not in sight and I feel like at that age, books do more to confuse things than to solve anything. That is not any dismissal of your friend's situation - I feel the same about religion and many other things, that there's an age that should be reached before even basic discussions take place.

 

I'd also suggest asking Jay how he feels. You may think getting a book, or having a fairly complex talk, is the right thing to do and maybe he will agree with you. otoh, maybe being treated as so different that a child must be brought into an extended, awkward discussion is the exact opposite of what he wants. maybe he would prefer your child didnt even think this was a big deal. for some people, what theyd love most in the world is for everyone, even those they love dearly, to stop putting them in a wierd category and let them be who they are. so ask yourself this - if someone who was born male had produced this response in your child what would you say then? and whatever that is, why are you NOT saying the same thing now? i hope you see that i also mean well when i ask was your first thought 'how do i correct my kid bc this is a guy?' or 'how do i explain transgender issues to my kid?'

 

there are some easier ways out of this imo. they are in a category formation stage - tell them some boys have boobs and some women dont. you have a chance to just not ingrain inflexible set mentality by NOT making this about your one friend, but making it about the fact that some guys might have boobs, that some women might not, etc.

 

I appreciate your response and the main issue is Jay and I had talked about the issue and we were both in agreement that the concept of transgendered people was too complicated for my son to understand at this time. My first thought wasn't how do I correct my child, my first thought was concern for my friends already complex issues coming from a home where he was not accepted and constantly ridiculed. However my husband was explaining Jay's situation to my older nephews, 11 and 14, and my son started to ask questions and he explained transgendered people in the worst possible way for a three yearold to understand.

 

I wish I could exclude Jay from the situation and explain it as a general whole but unfortunatley we did try this and he did not understand that Jay was included. When Jericho is older that is a conversation we will definitely have but as a 3 yearold the concept is to grand for him to understand.

 

--

 

We have a lot of books on diversity and a lot of diversity in our family, various races and sexual orientation. We also volunteer at the children's hospital and Jericho has been exposed to a lot of different types of people and I have never had an issue like this before. At first I felt guilty for my friends feelings but after talking to him I realized I was being unrealistic and he was just grateful I didn't turn him away as other 'friends' of his did for fear of 'confusing' their children.

 

While I admit it was very hard for me to console my son last night after my husbands awful explaining, I'm grateful that my husband wanted our child to understand that while Jay may look different he is just like them.

 

I really appreciate everyone's responses, Jay and I decided to go with that he is going to see a special doctor who helps people like Jay 'get out'. Jericho seemed much happier and he stopped trying to feed Jay his toys. He still calls Jay a girl but we are all in agreement to let it go.

[Mouseykins]

I'm glad you were able to come to an agreement on what to tell your son and how to explain it to him. :)

 

Going from what Batgirl said, I also agree that this is a rather large concept for a 3 year old to comprehend and I think revisiting it later on would be best. :)

 

Glad to hear Jericho isn't trying to feed Jay his toys anymore. :D I wish your friend Jay all the best through his transformation. :)

[wanderwisp]

Children's brains, at that young age, have not developed to the point where they would understand those concepts. Your best bet is explain that sometimes boys can be born with them, but usually they'll go away at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, it's just too complex of an issue for the brain to handle at that age.