Snowbell Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I made a post a few days ago about how I was nervous about my neomail app. I got an extention until Wednesday. I was wondering if someone could help me out and tell me what they think/give me a few tips before its evaluated. My application can be found at: http://www.neopets.com/~Waybawob Thanks! Quote
Anime Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Your layout looks nice. However, I'm going to go full editor mode on the content. I try and preserve your words and meaning as best I can, so most of my suggestions will be grammar, punctuation, and clarification. I'm not trying to devalue or ridicule your work, just make it read more smoothly. Please feel free to take my suggestions or leave them as you see fit. I've put it in a big spoiler tag so the edits aren't just out there. Reveal hidden contents "This is my the second application I have ever mad." I think you mean "made" here. Just a minor typo. "While Pyper and Cerralyn were young they went for a walk with Aymmee they wandered into a flower patch." "...young, they..." and "...Aymmee, and they wandered into..." work better, as it stands there's no proper transition. "Pyper grew tired and sat in a field of flowers." You've all ready stated they're in a flower patch. Perhaps consider choosing a flower type and saying she sat there? As an example "Pyper grew tired and sat in a patch of daisies." It's more descriptive, and you can work the flower type you pick into future graphics and such. "She was no bigger than a oak leaf and wore a white dress made up of Snowdrop petals and a small wand wrapped in mini dandelions." That first "she" should probably be "The faerie". There's two "she"s being referenced in the previous sentence so stating which you mean in this one reads smoother. Additionally, "...and had a small wand..." would work better as right now it reads like she's wearing the wand. "...and hide from the garden Sparrows and squirrels." Sparrows does not need to be capitalized. "Snowsnursery which I haven't created yet but thought I should add it because I have plans to create this account in the future" "Snownursery, which I..." and "...yet, but..." Just some commas that will make it read smoother. "I have been focusing my studies on Environmental science, biology, and I'm pretty passionate about..." "...my studies in Environmental science and biology, and I'm..." Lists need to contain similar items and be broken up by "and"s, and when you're speaking of things you're studying in this manner it's studies in, not studies on. "In" implies that you're looking into the existing material about the topic, "on" implies that you're working on the topic, generally in the sense of finding new information. "If you would like to check them out there are under My Petpets" In this case, "they're" or "they are", not "there are". "...because I spend so much time online_" Not sure why the underscore is there but I'd be willing to bet it's just a typo that should be a period. "...some expired NC items..." NC items that have been removed from the mall are called "retired", not "expired" "Best of Luck," Going by the comma at the end I'm guessing you meant to "sign" it but forgot. I hope that helps! Aside from the minor concerns I addressed, it's a lovely application. I hope you get the pets! Snowbell 1 Quote
Rune Valentine Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 You might also want to link to your sides (instead of just listing them) as well as your pets. Because I know most owners will want to look through all your accounts and pets to see how you treat your current pets, as a base for how you will treat the pets you are applying for :) Doing this will just make it a little easier for them. Snowbell 1 Quote
Snowbell Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 On 6/3/2014 at 3:03 AM, Anime said: Your layout looks nice. However, I'm going to go full editor mode on the content. I try and preserve your words and meaning as best I can, so most of my suggestions will be grammar, punctuation, and clarification. I'm not trying to devalue or ridicule your work, just make it read more smoothly. Please feel free to take my suggestions or leave them as you see fit. I've put it in a big spoiler tag so the edits aren't just out there. Reveal hidden contents "This is my the second application I have ever mad." I think you mean "made" here. Just a minor typo. "While Pyper and Cerralyn were young they went for a walk with Aymmee they wandered into a flower patch." "...young, they..." and "...Aymmee, and they wandered into..." work better, as it stands there's no proper transition. "Pyper grew tired and sat in a field of flowers." You've all ready stated they're in a flower patch. Perhaps consider choosing a flower type and saying she sat there? As an example "Pyper grew tired and sat in a patch of daisies." It's more descriptive, and you can work the flower type you pick into future graphics and such. "She was no bigger than a oak leaf and wore a white dress made up of Snowdrop petals and a small wand wrapped in mini dandelions." That first "she" should probably be "The faerie". There's two "she"s being referenced in the previous sentence so stating which you mean in this one reads smoother. Additionally, "...and had a small wand..." would work better as right now it reads like she's wearing the wand. "...and hide from the garden Sparrows and squirrels." Sparrows does not need to be capitalized. "Snowsnursery which I haven't created yet but thought I should add it because I have plans to create this account in the future" "Snownursery, which I..." and "...yet, but..." Just some commas that will make it read smoother. "I have been focusing my studies on Environmental science, biology, and I'm pretty passionate about..." "...my studies in Environmental science and biology, and I'm..." Lists need to contain similar items and be broken up by "and"s, and when you're speaking of things you're studying in this manner it's studies in, not studies on. "In" implies that you're looking into the existing material about the topic, "on" implies that you're working on the topic, generally in the sense of finding new information. "If you would like to check them out there are under My Petpets" In this case, "they're" or "they are", not "there are". "...because I spend so much time online_" Not sure why the underscore is there but I'd be willing to bet it's just a typo that should be a period. "...some expired NC items..." NC items that have been removed from the mall are called "retired", not "expired" "Best of Luck," Going by the comma at the end I'm guessing you meant to "sign" it but forgot. I hope that helps! Aside from the minor concerns I addressed, it's a lovely application. I hope you get the pets! I went through everything you said and fixed it. Thank you so much! You reallly improved my chances at adopting Pyper and Cerralyn! Everything you said was so thorough I was so excitied! I feel much better now :) On 6/3/2014 at 9:11 AM, Rune Valentine said: You might also want to link to your sides (instead of just listing them) as well as your pets. Because I know most owners will want to look through all your accounts and pets to see how you treat your current pets, as a base for how you will treat the pets you are applying for :) Doing this will just make it a little easier for them. Thats a really good idea! thanks! I added it. Anime 1 Quote
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