Your thoughts on polygamous relationships and marriages?

[~Xandria]

To be honest, I'm kind of confused on where I stand with this. I was watching a show on tv about polygamous relationships and the basis of these tend to share the belief that women are inferior. For example, this quote from wikipedia: Within polygynous societies, multiple wives often become a status symbol denoting wealth, power, and fame. I try to be open-minded on just about everything, but I really wish I could grasp where they were coming from.

 

I mean - I just can't understand why a woman would agree to this. I don't understand how jealousy does not get in the way. I mean, if you are in love with someone then seeing them with someone else is supposed to tear your heart to shreds, so why does it not happen in these relationships?

 

Is it just because it's there religion (in the case of mormons). I guess I kind of get that, because as little girls they grew up thinking that this was the way to be. Do you think it's wrong to teach young children this? Is it okay as a parent to impose your religious beliefs on your child? (It seems to be okay amongst Christian families, but because of the marriage issue does it make it wrong in your eyes?)

 

One of the women on the tv show I watched grew up Christian and had no intention of ever being married to a guy with 6 other wives, but did so anyways. What are your thoughts on this?

[Rebecca~]

I think it's important to draw a distinction between polygamy and polyamoury. There are lots of people that engage in polyamourous relationships, and love them, and are really happy in them, and I am really happy for them. If being in a relationship with a number of other people is what does it for you, I'm glad. But, to me, polygamy is another thing entirely. As you mentioned, it seems to be about status-- and it is virtually ALWAYS one man with a number of wives-- all of whom have basically no other rights in a polygamous society.

 

When I was in highschool, we learned a bit about Bountiful, a Mormon polygamous community in BC. From the sound of some of the survivors that were able to escape, it was rife with rape, child molestation, and abuse. Women had no rights, no ability to not get married- often to men that were 30-40 years older than them. Teenage boys would be exiled from the community, because they would be compition for the women.

 

I think that there is a lot of brainwashing that goes on, and societal pressure. I think it's wrong- I don't care that is apparently is religious practice for Mormons (-cough- Even most Mormons say that polygamy isn't kosher.), it is almost always ABUSIVE.

 

Like I said, there are some people that enjoy being in polyamourous relationships. But they choose to be in those, and everyone is on an equal footing in the relationship. In polygamous communities, there is a huuuuuge power imbalance, and it's just... gross.

[~Xandria]

I think it's important to draw a distinction between polygamy and polyamoury. There are lots of people that engage in polyamourous relationships, and love them, and are really happy in them, and I am really happy for them. If being in a relationship with a number of other people is what does it for you, I'm glad. But, to me, polygamy is another thing entirely. As you mentioned, it seems to be about status-- and it is virtually ALWAYS one man with a number of wives-- all of whom have basically no other rights in a polygamous society.

 

When I was in highschool, we learned a bit about Bountiful, a Mormon polygamous community in BC. From the sound of some of the survivors that were able to escape, it was rife with rape, child molestation, and abuse. Women had no rights, no ability to not get married- often to men that were 30-40 years older than them. Teenage boys would be exiled from the community, because they would be compition for the women.

 

I think that there is a lot of brainwashing that goes on, and societal pressure. I think it's wrong- I don't care that is apparently is religious practice for Mormons (-cough- Even most Mormons say that polygamy isn't kosher.), it is almost always ABUSIVE.

 

Like I said, there are some people that enjoy being in polyamourous relationships. But they choose to be in those, and everyone is on an equal footing in the relationship. In polygamous communities, there is a huuuuuge power imbalance, and it's just... gross.

 

Yes, you are so right about the distinction between polygamy and palyamoury. I didn't really know that mormons thought polygomy wasn't socially acceptable. The founder of mormonism Joseph Smith, engaged in pologomy. So I guess I assumed most mormons would practice it as well?

 

I think it's really sad when the relationships are abusive and the children grow up in these kinds of environments. It just doesn't seem fair. For the people who agree to this type of relationship and then have children is where I start to get a bit concerned, because I can imagine "most" of these people would impose that belief onto there children (if the belief is based upon religion).

[Rebecca~]

Yes, you are so right about the distinction between polygamy and palyamoury. I didn't really know that mormons thought polygomy wasn't socially acceptable. The founder of mormonism Joseph Smith, engaged in pologomy. So I guess I assumed most mormons would practice it as well?

 

I think it's really sad when the relationships are abusive and the children grow up in these kinds of environments. It just doesn't seem fair. For the people who agree to this type of relationship and then have children is where I start to get a bit concerned, because I can imagine "most" of these people would impose that belief onto there children (if the belief is based upon religion).

From what I understand, it`s not really accepted by mainstream Mormons (I think they`re the Church of Later-Day Saints?). (EDIT: Just googled it. According to their website, people practicing polygamy now are excommunicated. They used to, but that was back in the 1800s.)

 

I agree. The children get such a terrible start at life, and they grow to think this kind of abuse is normal. :/ I think the vast majority of polygamous communities are religion-based-- how else but by "god's commandment" could you convince 10 women that they were all meant to be the wives of a single man, who would then give their daughters as brides to their friends and co-workers? It's just such a creepy and gross dynamic.

[Caro]

I don't know too much about polygamy and a lot of things have already been stated already.

 

Hypothetically if a woman was in love with a man who already had wives but was then given the chance to join then they would possibly take it? I wonder about the number of those who would decline such a thing because surely not everyone would agree. I guess if someone opposed found out about it they would avoid them.

I think for the woman involved they must learn to deal with it somehow whether it be conditioned upbringing or otherwise, since I guess it is possible for a man (or anyone) to care for more than one person as well as be attracted to them. I'm not sure how so many intimate relationships would be maintained but I guess if it happens they must work it out some way or another.

 

I don't agree with polygamy at all whatsoever really- basically for reasons already stated.

 

I'm kind of curious about polyandry lol. I don't really think I've heard of that actually happening though in modern/western society but I think polygamy still does?

 

Polyamorous-ness however I can totally understand and for the most part I don't disagree with it. IMO there is nothing wrong with being in open relationships as long as all of those involved are communicating properly and such :>

[The Bandit]

um... my thoughts are that I don't agree with them at all.

 

I would totally agree that polygamous relationships are almost always associated with the idea that men are superior. Enough said.

[Zombiiesque]

I think Rebecca's pretty much covered what I know about polygamy and polyamoury. (liked for the definitions of polyamoury Rebecca, by the way) But, I'll chime in with my opinion. I've seen a lot of weird, cult like groups espouse polygamy, and in no way would I ever even remotely condone it, even though my general viewpoint is live and let live.

However, I have friends that are in polyamorous relationships and they are perfectly happy, and there's no problem with jealousies and balance of power. I can think of one very strong woman I know who doesn't seem at all downtrodden because of her "role" - if you're familiar with the makeup world, you may have heard of Phyrra's blog. She's pretty open about the fact that she's in a polyamorous relationship and she's very happy, and very much in love with her men. Now this is a case of "Oh hey, that's not for me, but it works for you, so I'm happy for you!".

[skylee]

i watched a few episodes of that show where the guy has, i think 4 wives. The wives definitely seem to get jealous, but its very subtle because they feel as if they are not supposed to feel that way. i think thats terrible, because they are not truly happy. i personally would never want to share my husband with another woman (i'm not married but hypothetically )

[hrtbrk]

If all parties are consenting, and there is no abuse, I wish them the best of luck lol

 

I do watch Sister Wives, and a few things I noticed is that while there is jealousy, the other wives is what keeps them around in the end. Admittedly, a lot of the time when I watch I think "if you're so unhappy, you should get out," but I can understand there is a lot more to lose than just a husband in their case.

 

On the show, the whole family practices their religion, from new born to 18 or 19 (not sure their current age) The parents have always said that if they do not like the religion, they can do whatever they want once they reach 18... well, a large chunk of the kids you are 18 do NOT like the religion and want to live monogamously (with a religion that suggests as such). As I understand, this is the 'big conflict' for this upcoming season... so just because they are taught one specific thing from birth doesn't mean they are going to follow it in their adult life (as with any religion imo) I have a bigger issues with adults saying one thing for 17 years, and are disappointed in and are badgering their kids now that they want out.

 

 

i watched a few episodes of that show where the guy has, i think 4 wives. The wives definitely seem to get jealous, but its very subtle because they feel as if they are not supposed to feel that way. i think thats terrible, because they are not truly happy. i personally would never want to share my husband with another woman (i'm not married but hypothetically )

 

I think the jealousy in their case isn't because of the other women, it's because of the husband. He noticeably treats the wives differently and of course the women are going to notice. Truthfully, he is the cause of the divide. He puts two wives over the other (in my opinion, and the opinion of some of the other wives LOL)

 

One wife who was having issues with being unhappy did blame the new wife at the start. She claimed it was jealousy, but soon realized it was because their husband was treating them differently. She fully admitted that to the new wife and apologized. They seem to have repaired their relationship a bit. I don't think her relationship with her husband got any better tho. He still seems like he has his priorities higher with some wives than others. :(

 

Hypothetically if a woman was in love with a man who already had wives but was then given the chance to join then they would possibly take it? I wonder about the number of those who would decline such a thing because surely not everyone would agree. I guess if someone opposed found out about it they would avoid them.

 

I think for the woman involved they must learn to deal with it somehow whether it be conditioned upbringing or otherwise, since I guess it is possible for a man (or anyone) to care for more than one person as well as be attracted to them. I'm not sure how so many intimate relationships would be maintained but I guess if it happens they must work it out some way or another.

 

From what I understand, the man won't court a new woman to bring into the family if she doesn't currently practice the religion. If he is courting her, she should be under the impression that she will likely be asked into the family at some point. He won't go out looking for some random woman off the street, she often already knows the family in some way.

[skylee]

I think the jealousy in their case isn't because of the other women, it's because of the husband. He noticeably treats the wives differently and of course the women are going to notice. Truthfully, he is the cause of the divide. He puts two wives over the other (in my opinion, and the opinion of some of the other wives LOL)

 

One wife who was having issues with being unhappy did blame the new wife at the start. She claimed it was jealousy, but soon realized it was because their husband was treating them differently. She fully admitted that to the new wife and apologized. They seem to have repaired their relationship a bit. I don't think her relationship with her husband got any better tho. He still seems like he has his priorities higher with some wives than others. :(

 

sister wives! thats it i couldn't think of the name of the show earlier. oh i see. i had only seen a couple episodes, not ones that were back to back. that definitely puts a different spin on things.

[Zorse]

I don't think it's something I can fairly say is right or wrong. If someone wants to be in a polygamous relationship or marriage then that's their choice and it doesn't bother me. I don't agree with the fact in other countries it's basically forced onto the women and they have no right, but it happens... I just feel bad they don't have a say in it. I don't think either gender is superior, so it does bother me that the women have to feel as if they're inferior.

 

I hate the show sister wives because of the husband. Honestly I think he's creepy LOL and definetely doesn't treat all the wives the same. You can tell they're not happy but they feel as if they shouldn't be and that's not right. I think they're pretty much stuck in the situation because of all the kids they have and such... they're pretty deep into that hole and it wouldn't be easy to crawl out. I feel bad for them. I'm sure there are some polygamous relationships out there that work fine, but just not that one.

[eightbitdimwit]

You'd be surprised what people will agree to if it's all they've known and it's what they've grown up structuring their way of thinking around. As for the women who didn't grow up in a polygamous society and choose to join one where women are regarded as status symbols? Hell if I know. Hell if I know why women enter into half the relationships they do in our own society.

 

I'm not very versed on the way of polygamous societies, though I've heard my fair share of bad hype. I can't speak on the specifics of what goes on in them or make many judgments.

 

As for the children, I think it's wrong to deliberately teach children things that are false, deceitful, or damage their ability to think or empathize. If what children are being taught is sending them into a life where they're treated unkindly and unequally, then by my moral standards that is wrong - but there's plenty of that in our own society. When it comes to teaching children religion, though, I don't think that's wrong. Children rely on their parents to teach them the ways of the world, and much of that is educated speculation in the first place. Is it wrong for a parent to teach their child their opinion and experiences on how to job hunt? On how to handle post-secondary education and whether or not it's a good investment? On how to be a good human being? These are a parent's values and ideas which can easily have a personal bias or only a certain degree of truth, too, and a parent's religion is their best estimate at teaching their child about the spiritual side of life and at giving them the benefits of that.

 

Fundamentally (and speaking of poly in general), I don't think there's a problem with multiple husbands or wives. Adults should be able to structure and handle their love lives how they choose within the bounds of our best estimate at what's humane and healthy and what is not, and I'm very much for creating the happiest and healthiest society possible with a focus on minding your own damn business if it's not a threat to your microcosm or the citizens on a broad scale. Considering the difficulty the human race has with unity outside of our own little spheres of existence, that is probably a very idealistic view. We can only say that poly isn't conventional, but convention has always simply been the product of necessity or efficiency, sometimes combined with or instead things like superstition, fear, etc.

 

I think there are potentially risks to it, though. I haven't been able to look at any long-standing poly marriages, let alone with children or outside of the well-known societies, to get a sense of how they play out over the years and where the pitfalls are besides a lot of added emotional upkeep. There might be issues I'm not aware of.

[The_Warblers]

In my opinion, this sort of marriage destroy every all means of equal rights that we stand for. I don't even support having an affair when you are in your marriage.

[Zooba]

I don't think polygamy in and of itself is wrong. I think abuse, suppression of women, etc. in any relationship is bad, including polygamy and monogamy and every relationship in between.

 

I wouldn't do it myself, I don't think it's smart (it'll most probably lead to some kind of emotional angsty drama and jealousy at one point or another) but if someone else wants to be a polygamist and all parties involved agree, I'd pity the poor sods, but whatever, their life, not mine.

[jasper_111]

I've always held marriage in high regard so it's hard for me to understand such relationships. I don't think they are wrong, I just have trouble wrapping my head around it which is why I've actually gotten into learning about it to try to understand it better but I personally don't agree with it. However, I may think it's wrong, but they honestly think they are doing the right thing with their lives and to take that away from them wouldn't be right. Everyone is free to live their lives in the manner they so choose. There is no exception to this regarding their actual belief system, although there is several circumstances that may be possible side effects in certain specific cases that warrant action, such as abuse or being forced into it.

 

As for the children, it only makes sense they would teach them the same things they believe. If they didn't, it would be a great negligence to their own children. If you have children, you want to prepare them for the world by teaching them your knowledge and experiences of it. No one can say that what you believe is wrong because a belief cannot be proven to be either wrong or right. That's what believe means, to accept something is right without having any proof. It's no different than children believing in Santa Claus. While children are more impressionable than adults, as they grow they have their own experiences and form their own beliefs and just because they're parents may think a certain way does not mean they are obliged to think the same way.

 

Furthermore, my viewpoint is that this issue is a moral one and while we can all form our opinions about it, we shouldn't judge others for it.

[Doozy]

I don't think that all polygamous relationships are centered around masculine superiority. I have heard of polygamous relationships where there is one woman and two or so men, as well as the traditional one man, several women situation. While most of the polygamous relationships you hear about are the ones where the women hate at least one of the other people, or are the ones in societies where the women are abused etc., there are some that are more pleasant than that. You just don't hear about them because they're not reinforcing the idea that polygamy is bad and will always cause issues. I have a friend whose brother spent a couple of years in Africa - I don't remember where - and he met a few polygamous families. A couple of them were in that situation where the wives weren't allowed to speak their minds and every wife was a new trophy etc., but he said that there were just as many where the wives were all best friends and they didn't fight much at all. He also met one family where there were two men that lived with and even considered themselves married to one woman, but they all got along well. She even had twins with one of them, and they both took care of them, which took some of the weight off of her shoulders so she could do other things, like cook, without having to worry about both kids all of the time.

 

Interesting fact! Tamarin Monkeys do this too. The female forms a partnership with two or more males because they have twins (or more!) so often so that the males can take care of the babies while the female keeps herself strong enough to feed both babies. They also do the reverse - multiple females and one male, or even multiple of both. However, there is only ever one mating pair, I believe. Everybody else gets the parenting experience so that when they get kicked out of the group and find a new one, they have the skills in case they become the dominant male/female.

 

Aaaanyway, I don't believe in polygamy, and I don't think that it should be a way to look more powerful or to exercise misplaced power. However, there are cases where it is ok. I won't ever be a part of a polygamous family, and I don't actively support it, but I do think that even though I won't ever partake, I can't say that it's a completely bad thing. While it's also not a completely good thing, It's a choice that people have the right to make.

 

 

Allow me to reemphasize - I don't believe in it, either, but I don't think we should force people to adhere to our beliefs. That just causes problems. :)

 

Edit: Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to kill this thread or the last two I posted in :(

[jasper_111]

I agree^ Most problems in the world today originate from us misunderstanding each other. I really think it's as simple as that we don't take the time to or even possibly it's just plain scary to go out of your natural comfort zone. We often forget that even though people may be different from us that they are still human just like the rest of us. Everyone brings some gift into the world, you just have to look past the exterior.