I'm back! And I also need some advice.

[Trig]

Hey guys! :)

 

I had told you all that I'd be gone for about 2 weeks which turned into about 3 or 4 weeks because I got really busy and occupied and distracted and just didn't have the chance to get on TDN. I currently have about 6 friends that I message almost daily to keep in touch while I'm away and it definitely takes up a lot of my time. I haven't been too active on neo either, but hopefully that changes because this week I feel like I have a lot more free time and can do some of the things I enjoy. Now, on to the advice part- there's a few things I really want to talk about just because I need to talk about them. I guess I just kind of want to know people's opinions on these things and see if I'm making any sense and if my decisions or thoughts are rational.

 

So, I'm on exchange in Spain and I'm finding it pretty hard. To be honest I've found it difficult since the first day I got here, but even after 2 months I just don't feel like I really fit in anywhere and I have a really hard time asking people to hang out. Often I don't know what to talk about, or I feel really stupid if I don't understand what someone is saying (essentially coming to Spain was my first time learning the language). I came here at a really terrible time in my life- my best friend of 10.5 years (my dog) had just passed away, I had just finished 3 high school exams, and my grandpa was in the hospital waiting for surgery (he's had it and is better now thankfully). I now only have about 2 and a half weeks left and I feel like (as it has for the past 9.5 weeks) time is just dragging. I don't know how to make time go quicker and I really just want this to end. I'm totally grateful for the opportunity and I've gone on a few really cool trips, but I really miss my family and I want to get home.

 

On to my dog, as I mentioned he was my best friend for 10.5 years and it was extremely difficult to let go. He was having a lot of trouble breathing and we found out one week before he passed away that he had cancer (most likely lung cancer). I spent essentially that entire week on my bed crying, on the phone with my boyfriend crying, in my mom's arms crying, or sitting on my kitchen floor crying (usually with my puppy right beside me). I was also concerned about studying for exams and it was really terrible. The worst part was that we had to put him down and because I had a physics exam I couldn't be with him when he passed on. This is the hardest part for me because I feel like I let him down by not being there and like I should've said a better, longer goodbye. I know I can't change it but there is still a bit of guilt. My mom tries to tell me that I had an entire week to say goodbye to him and I gave him the best life he could've had- but it doesn't feel that way when I'm upset. I'm getting better- it's been 2 and a half months since he passed on and after the initial shock I only had about one really terrible relapse where I was a complete mess for about 3 days (and overseas at that >_< ) However, even just writing this paragraph makes me pretty sad and wanting to cry. I know the hardest thing is when I come home in a couple of weeks I'm not going to have my little puppy there to greet me as he always has (although I have a huge Saint Bernard). I guess I really just wanted to get this off my chest because it always helps for me to talk about things. My family is looking into getting another puppy in the summer and while I originally wasn't too keen because I felt like I was letting my old best friend down and like it just wouldn't be the same I've realized that he would've wanted me to pass on my love to another puppy. I know it'll still be difficult but I think having another cute, bouncy creature next to me would really help me out- as my old puppy did so many times.

 

Also, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2.5 years and I'm completely in love with him. To be honest it's not like that crazy sort of in love you see on television but it's what I always pictured as perfect love. We can have conversations, but are comfortable with silence and we just like being around each other. We're making it work even though I'm across the ocean and I couldn't love him more for it. However, I feel like I always over analyze things and if there is even a small difference with us my first thought is "break up" even though I really couldn't bear to do that. But then I question if I'm trying to convince myself to be in this relationship. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I definitely think I'm overanalyzing it because I really am happy; even if we fight we make up and things work out and I have definitely pictured our future together. I also realized as I was writing this paragraph that I sound completely silly and this isn't even an issue it's just something I'm trying to make into an issue. The only reason I'm really leaving it in is because I guess some opinions would be helpful.

 

I also think I'm struggling with pretty major anxiety and possibly OCD but I'm not sure if the OCD has been amplified by my boredom here in Spain. The anxiety I only thought, within the past year, I might have because a really close friend suffers from terrible anxiety and after explaining some symptoms and talking to him I really started to feel that as well. Now I'm not sure if I'm just saying that all my stress is anxiety, or if I'm actually realizing that I do have anxiety and I just didn't know what it was before. I'm planning on going to the doctor (for a few other things as well) when I get back to Canada and I'm hoping she'll be able to help a bit?

 

And I think last, but not least, I'm freaking out a little bit about my future. I'm going back to high school for a 5th year (which is possible where I live) because the exchange I'm on forced me to take a semester off school. In this year I'll be able to take all of the sciences and maths that I need for university. After MUCH MUCH research I have finally decided the 3 universities I'm going to apply to in the fall, and (more or less) the majors and minors I want to pursue. I'm really interested in being a pediatrician or an OB-GYN of sorts, but I want to some how focus with working with the LGBT community. Therefore all of my majors are science related, and usually my minor is sociology or something close to that. I'm freaking out about university though and whether I'll have made the right decisions and be happy. I've researched to DEATH so I think I'm settled but little things pop and make me think that maybe I'm not. I'm so incredibly interested in LGBT issues and rights and at least one of the minors (at one university) I have selected is Women and Gender Studies because I'm incredibly into that area of study. I'm really wondering if I'm doing what's right by only minoring in it and the university I really want won't let me take the science program I want with another major (double major) so I'd have to do a minor. My problem is that I really just want to take EVERYTHING and I'm not sure how'd it all work out. The ultimate goal is medical school though, so I have to factor that all in.

 

That's about it- thanks for reading/listening to me rant and trying to figure stuff out. And please, if you have any comments or thoughts do share. I realize I haven't really asked for any advice, but I need some so I hope people can figure it out through subtext. I just am not really sure what questions to ask. Thanks :)

[Nimphal]

First of all, lots and lots and lots of hugs. I am sending you all the positive thoughts I can <3 You will make it through and it will be over.

 

I am not really experienced in most of your woes, however, I think I can help a bit with the relationship one. I have been with my boyfriend for three years going on four, 2.5 living together. I absolutely understand what you mean by over-analyzing and the first thought being break-up. Don't worry about it, don't analyze that as well. I know how it feels to wonder whether you are not pushing yourself into the relationship, you are not. It's just sort of 'this-is-too-good-to-be-true' kind of thing. I actually talked with my boyfriend about it and him being the sweetheart he is, just said 'Look, there is no me and you, there is us. You feel like crap, we deal with it. You feel there is something not quite right in this relationship, we deal with it. That's why I'm here, talk to me'. I would suggest you talk to him face-to-face, explain it and you will come to a decision together, I promise.

 

<3

[Mouseykins]

Welcome Back! :)

 

I hope your 2.5 weeks left in Spain will go by quick so can be home with your family.

 

My condolences for your dog :(

This past October we had to put our 10 year old dog down, Angel. We're not sure entirely what was wrong with her but her health rapidly deteriorated. She was in terrible shape and letting her go was excruciating. The couple of days prior to putting her to sleep she could hardly move, we would have to pick her up and carry her outside and hold her up so she could go to the bathroom. She was just so weak, the poor girl. If we weren't supporting her she would fall down and couldn't get back up. We wanted Angel to go when she was ready and that Saturday night was her time, she needed some help though. We had access to a medication that's basically a tranquillizer and gave her an overdose of it. Angel went into a deep, peaceful sleep and several hours later her heart stopped. We didn't want to take her to the vet because we wanted her to be at home with her family on her favourite blanket in her favourite spot. My husband made a little casket for her and we buried her in our yard. I miss her lots especially on special occasions. I have a special candle that I'll light on special occasions specifically for Angel and it helps keep her close, I'll burn it all day until the sun goes down. Its hard losing a pet as they're part of your family. I would develop some sort of ritual thing to do, like what I do with the candle, it will help a little bit.

[Trig]

Thanks so much guys :) I love these forums, everyone here is the best.

 

Nimphal- thanks so much for the comfort. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I think it's definitely just my personality that makes me over-analyze these things. I'm not really sure what I'd bring up though? Bringing up- I think about breaking up [all the time over little things] isn't exactly positive and if I tell him I over-analyze things too much he'll just be like "I know you do- but I still love you." And how do you bring up "I feel like I'm trying to convince myself into this relationship even though I know I'm really not and I'm completely and totally in love with you" I mean...that just sounds completely crazy. I'm thinking it isn't really something that I need to talk to him about because I guess it really only has to do with me? I don't know- here I go overanalyzing things again and I'm thinking it's best to just act in a moment. It's like, this hasn't even come up as an issue with us so I don't even know why I'm worrying about it.

 

Mouseykins- Thanks for the support and the story. It definitely helps :) I'm going to make a scrapbook when I get back from Spain in his memory and maybe I'll do something like that candle lighting. Or a special Christmas ornament or something. I know he's in a better place and he'll always be in my heart and looking down on me and watching out for me. And just because I might get another dog doesn't mean I'm replacing him, it just means I'm sharing more of my love.

 

Edit: After doing a bit of reading I realized I might have some form of intrusive thoughts that are related to OCD that is leading to a lot of this stuff. "Analysing the thoughts is the problem. Every human being has intrusive thoughts. However only OCD sufferers react to them for a prolonged time rather than shrug them off because of how our brains flag them as important. The more attention you pay to an intrusive, the more it sticks around because it’s being given importance that it doesn’t deserve to have."

 

So essentially I guess I really do need to just stop overanalyzing things and worrying about things so much. :3 Also I realized the internet can pretty much convince you you have anything and I'm going to go to my doctor when I get back and probably talk about this but at least I have some strategies for working through my "intrusive thoughts" and things.

 

Double Edit: I ended up talking to my boyfriend on messenger tonight and he was just like "yeah, I always assumed you had OCD and I'm not to worried and I'm not annoyed- just don't act so worried about it. He made it seem like no big deal (when I told him this is what I think I'm dealing with he's like- "and this changes what?" and "I love you lots" so that actually kind of calmed me down a lot. I just explained how I overanalyzed stuff and even though he didn't directly respond at least he knows a little bit more about what's happening. Plus, I think the best kind of support is when he tells me he loves me :3