Just Need Some Serious Advice...

[flyingeevee]

I never thought I would have to deal with this but it hit me hard tonight...my boyfriend of 4 years gave me a serious talk about how he lost the "spark" and while he still loves me, he's not IN love with me anymore ;~;

 

This all happened hours ago and it was mainly him saying that he wished it could be like it was when we starting dating and he really wished the spark didn't go away, but it did and feels horrible about it. He kept telling me how he can still imagine a future with me, loves to spend time with me, will do anything for me, and want to stay by my side...but that spark is just...gone.

 

I never felt so heartbroken in my life...I'm still IN love with him and always have...but to hear all this from him broke me down to the point we both cried on the floor. I thought it was something I've done but he said over and over that it wasn't me at all. I just wish I could do something. I feel so helpless because I don't want to lose him, he's my best friend but if he never regains that spark again, I don't know if I can stand being around him while I'm still in love with him.

 

I just need some advice...he said he still wants to hang out with me and kept telling me he can't imagine being without me and loves me over and over, but I just feel I have to do something. He even told me there could never be anyone else...so what can I do!

 

I don't know what to do ;~;

[Jacky]

You know what, eventually the "being in love" always wears down. But what comes in its place is way more precious. There is a big difference wetween being in love and loving someone. Where the being in love wears down, the loving will just keep growing. It is harsh at first, especially when you are the one still in love. But this doesn't mean you two can't be together anymore.

 

Maybe it will even get better. OOnce the being in love goes down, you will both be more comfortable with eachother, because the "anxiety" for a lack of a better word will go away to. You will get to know eachother even more. Only thing you have to watch out for and what is often the killer, is that it gets boring. As long as you can keep your relationship interesting, you will be perfectly fine. :)

 

*hugs*

 

Just let it sink in. I am sure the both of you will find a way to make it work.

[flyingeevee]

*hugs back*

 

I could tell it was hard for him to tell me...especially since he started to feel it about a month ago and just told me tonight. I felt so helpless and I wanted to do something but all I could do was breakdown and then breakdown even more when I saw him crying. I've never seen him cry since he's usually a jokester so it made me feel worse.

 

I'll do anything to make him happy, even give him a break...but he said he still wants to be around me every other day so yeah...

 

I really hope still will make us stronger.

[Jacky]

Actually I have been through the same thing not too long ago. It probably will keep hurting for a while, especially if you are a sensitive person like me. But it surely will make you stronger in the long run. This is a totally normal turn in any relationship, and the way you say he reacted sounds to me like he really wants to be with you and will do everything to make it work. That is much more important than being in love.

 

Edit: Giving him a break is probably not good at all by the way. I know there are people that really do just need a break, but most of the time the only thing they will learn is that living without the other is easier than they thought. (just my idea on that though.)

[Kaylan]

I completely agree with what everyone has said. I'm really sorry that that happened. I know exactly how it feels. You're just helpless because you feel that no matter what you do, it will never get better. But it definitely will! I promise! Do something spontaneous and fun and remind him that it can still be the same when you first started dating. I'm sorry if I was no help, but I do know how it feels. :(

[flyingeevee]

Guess it's obvious that I'm a sensitive person too lolz. I guess all I can do is continue to keep it interesting.

 

I'll always love that crazy guy...I pray this won't turn ugly and hope everything you said will become reality ^^

[Jacky]

I promise you that as long as you both continue to work on it, it will get better. A relationship requires work from both sides, which you probably already know after being together for 4 years. ;) In holland we say "The sun goes up for free", Meaning that that is about the only thing in the world that you get without doing anything for it. As long as you can both bring up the effort, it will be well worth it. :) Keep your chin up! (and also remember: it is not just you who needs to work on this, he needs to do so too. )

[lils]

i think you might enjoy/sympathize with the relationship in this video.

[Masaryk]

Sorry to hear that you are having relationship troubles. That's never a fun place to be.

 

I think it is very unrealistic for someone to expect their relationship to remain as exciting as it was right in the beginning. Having that expectation will doom every romantic relationship to failure. Believing that the fuzzy feeling you get when you see your partner early on in a relationship is "love" will only set the stage for disappointment later. In my opinion, too many people get confused about what the feeling of being "in love" actually means. They expect Hollywood romance, which isn't realistic (high divorce rate, hm?).

 

That fuzzy feeling of being "in love" doesn't last forever. It's not meant to. It's a biological reaction to keep the species going. It's meant to make you want to mate with someone. In past generations, going back thousands of years, mating with someone and having offspring kind of cemented a relationship to ensure shared survival. We don't have those survival worries any more, so people don't always stay together past that initial spark, especially if there are no offspring. Mating instinct drives us to look for new mates if the last one was biologically unsuccessful.

 

However, we are also thinking creatures, with some control over our biology. We can reason that the partner we once had a biological drive to be with has more potential.

 

Let's use the spark analogy. Two people meet and feel that spark when together. That spark is the manifestation of a whole lot of brain and body chemistry going on. Those chemicals will sustain it for a while - a few years, maybe. What happens to the spark then?

 

Several things could happen. If the chemicals were the only thing fuelling the spark, it will probably die, and one or both of the partners will cease to have feelings for the other.

 

Another thing that could happen is that one or both of the partners realize that the spark is fading, so they feed it a bunch of fuel in a mad frenzy to keep it alive. It creates a raging inferno that becomes volatile and unpredictable. After a short while, that inferno will either harm one or both partners, or it will collapse under its own weight. Either way, the results are not pleasant.

 

Finally, the result that should happen, that every couple should hope for: Over time, both partners began collecting and carefully arranging fuel for the spark to fall into. It creates a calm, controlled fire, that provides warmth, comfort, and nourishment. Sure, the fire isn't as interesting, on the surface, but it has far more depth and potential than any spark. Sometimes, if someone pokes the fire a bit, sparks will fly off to serve as a reminder of how it started. Since the fire is small, it requires frequent and careful tending. If both partners keep the fire tended, it will last a lifetime.

 

Maybe the spark isn't there anymore for your boyfriend, but where has it gone? Has a fire been built from that spark? It's time to look beyond early relationship feelings of new excitement and physical attraction and see if there is potentially that fire that provide comfort, warmth, security, nourishment - and a few sparks - for years to come. Really examine your relationship (him, too, especially) and decide what you have.

 

Sorry for being so wordy. I hope this helps.

 

*Note: these are just my views on relationships, based somewhat in science. It's not the brand of science I am most educated in, so if anyone can add to the hormonal or anthropological aspect of this with greater clarity, go for it. I'm just speaking from the experience of someone who has been "in love" with someone I deeply and truly love and have been with for the past 11 years.

[Jacky]

Sorry to hear that you are having relationship troubles. That's never a fun place to be.

 

I think it is very unrealistic for someone to expect their relationship to remain as exciting as it was right in the beginning. Having that expectation will doom every romantic relationship to failure. Believing that the fuzzy feeling you get when you see your partner early on in a relationship is "love" will only set the stage for disappointment later. In my opinion, too many people get confused about what the feeling of being "in love" actually means. They expect Hollywood romance, which isn't realistic (high divorce rate, hm?).

 

That fuzzy feeling of being "in love" doesn't last forever. It's not meant to. It's a biological reaction to keep the species going. It's meant to make you want to mate with someone. In past generations, going back thousands of years, mating with someone and having offspring kind of cemented a relationship to ensure shared survival. We don't have those survival worries any more, so people don't always stay together past that initial spark, especially if there are no offspring. Mating instinct drives us to look for new mates if the last one was biologically unsuccessful.

 

However, we are also thinking creatures, with some control over our biology. We can reason that the partner we once had a biological drive to be with has more potential.

 

Let's use the spark analogy. Two people meet and feel that spark when together. That spark is the manifestation of a whole lot of brain and body chemistry going on. Those chemicals will sustain it for a while - a few years, maybe. What happens to the spark then?

 

Several things could happen. If the chemicals were the only thing fuelling the spark, it will probably die, and one or both of the partners will cease to have feelings for the other.

 

Another thing that could happen is that one or both of the partners realize that the spark is fading, so they feed it a bunch of fuel in a mad frenzy to keep it alive. It creates a raging inferno that becomes volatile and unpredictable. After a short while, that inferno will either harm one or both partners, or it will collapse under its own weight. Either way, the results are not pleasant.

 

Finally, the result that should happen, that every couple should hope for: Over time, both partners began collecting and carefully arranging fuel for the spark to fall into. It creates a calm, controlled fire, that provides warmth, comfort, and nourishment. Sure, the fire isn't as interesting, on the surface, but it has far more depth and potential than any spark. Sometimes, if someone pokes the fire a bit, sparks will fly off to serve as a reminder of how it started. Since the fire is small, it requires frequent and careful tending. If both partners keep the fire tended, it will last a lifetime.

 

Maybe the spark isn't there anymore for your boyfriend, but where has it gone? Has a fire been built from that spark? It's time to look beyond early relationship feelings of new excitement and physical attraction and see if there is potentially that fire that provide comfort, warmth, security, nourishment - and a few sparks - for years to come. Really examine your relationship (him, too, especially) and decide what you have.

 

Sorry for being so wordy. I hope this helps.

 

*Note: these are just my views on relationships, based somewhat in science. It's not the brand of science I am most educated in, so if anyone can add to the hormonal or anthropological aspect of this with greater clarity, go for it. I'm just speaking from the experience of someone who has been "in love" with someone I deeply and truly love and have been with for the past 11 years.

 

I totally agree with this. love the way you worded it.

[flyingeevee]

Sorry to hear that you are having relationship troubles. That's never a fun place to be.

 

I think it is very unrealistic for someone to expect their relationship to remain as exciting as it was right in the beginning. Having that expectation will doom every romantic relationship to failure. Believing that the fuzzy feeling you get when you see your partner early on in a relationship is "love" will only set the stage for disappointment later. In my opinion, too many people get confused about what the feeling of being "in love" actually means. They expect Hollywood romance, which isn't realistic (high divorce rate, hm?).

 

That fuzzy feeling of being "in love" doesn't last forever. It's not meant to. It's a biological reaction to keep the species going. It's meant to make you want to mate with someone. In past generations, going back thousands of years, mating with someone and having offspring kind of cemented a relationship to ensure shared survival. We don't have those survival worries any more, so people don't always stay together past that initial spark, especially if there are no offspring. Mating instinct drives us to look for new mates if the last one was biologically unsuccessful.

 

However, we are also thinking creatures, with some control over our biology. We can reason that the partner we once had a biological drive to be with has more potential.

 

Let's use the spark analogy. Two people meet and feel that spark when together. That spark is the manifestation of a whole lot of brain and body chemistry going on. Those chemicals will sustain it for a while - a few years, maybe. What happens to the spark then?

 

Several things could happen. If the chemicals were the only thing fuelling the spark, it will probably die, and one or both of the partners will cease to have feelings for the other.

 

Another thing that could happen is that one or both of the partners realize that the spark is fading, so they feed it a bunch of fuel in a mad frenzy to keep it alive. It creates a raging inferno that becomes volatile and unpredictable. After a short while, that inferno will either harm one or both partners, or it will collapse under its own weight. Either way, the results are not pleasant.

 

Finally, the result that should happen, that every couple should hope for: Over time, both partners began collecting and carefully arranging fuel for the spark to fall into. It creates a calm, controlled fire, that provides warmth, comfort, and nourishment. Sure, the fire isn't as interesting, on the surface, but it has far more depth and potential than any spark. Sometimes, if someone pokes the fire a bit, sparks will fly off to serve as a reminder of how it started. Since the fire is small, it requires frequent and careful tending. If both partners keep the fire tended, it will last a lifetime.

 

Maybe the spark isn't there anymore for your boyfriend, but where has it gone? Has a fire been built from that spark? It's time to look beyond early relationship feelings of new excitement and physical attraction and see if there is potentially that fire that provide comfort, warmth, security, nourishment - and a few sparks - for years to come. Really examine your relationship (him, too, especially) and decide what you have.

 

Sorry for being so wordy. I hope this helps.

 

*Note: these are just my views on relationships, based somewhat in science. It's not the brand of science I am most educated in, so if anyone can add to the hormonal or anthropological aspect of this with greater clarity, go for it. I'm just speaking from the experience of someone who has been "in love" with someone I deeply and truly love and have been with for the past 11 years.

 

I never thought about it like that...this is my first serious relationship and I know that my spark never went away since I still get those butterflies and giddy feelings whenever he's around or whenever I get a simple text from him.

 

He reassured me that he still really loves me and will do anything for me. He still wants to know what I do everyday and wonders how I'm doing when we're not together so I guess that fire has started to mature a bit while mine is still sparking. I'll always love and care for him and above all, I just want him to be happy.

 

Thanks again for all your kind words and video everyone ^^ I feel a bit better. I just didn't know what to do with myself and I really wanted some advice, thank you again!

[Jacky]

You are very welcome. I am happy that we were able to make you feel a little bit more secure. There is nothing wrong with being the sensitive person, enjoy the sparks you still have and rest assured that he loves you and is there for you. ^_^

[eightbitdimwit]

If you need some time away, don't hesitate to take it. Sometimes it helps. I'm sorry to hear this happened, though, and I hope things go smoothly from here on out.

[Lozzie]

If you need some time away, don't hesitate to take it. Sometimes it helps. I'm sorry to hear this happened, though, and I hope things go smoothly from here on out.

This! :3 Fondness makes the heart grow stronger, and I know that from a couple of long distance relationships myself. Basically, I think everything that masaryk has said is correct.

 

If you need time to overcome this, then just take a couple of days or even a week or two to overcome it. Sometimes spending too much time together can do more harm than good.

 

But honestly, look on the bright side. He's been truthful to you, and I believe that trust is a major key factor in a good relationship! Now that you are both aware, you can build to a steady relationship that you are both happy with.

[khaos]

I'm too lazy and tired to read all these long posts, and I may be a little late, but let me say this.

 

Try to imagine what it was like back when you were first dating. Try to be a little more like that. Maybe your personality has changed (not in a bad way), your opinions on things have changed, a lot can happen in 4 years.

 

Don't be ashamed to cry. Try your hardest to get over these things.

 

If both of you truly believe that you love and are truly meant for each other, than try as hard as you can to keep it that way. Maybe do something extraordinarily special. Christmas is coming up, do something that'll bring the spark up. How? I don't know. You can't put a price on friendships or love, so don't try anything REALLY expensive. Something that truly will mean a lot to him.

 

Just try your hardest. That's all the advice I can give you. I hope everything gets better with you and him, and that your relationship will prosper. :)