Need help for my 12 year old son

[yahoo101010]

The trouble started when he was ten years old. He is 12 now and just started eight grade.(birthday in December) At this time he was shoplifting and doing poorly in school. So poorly that he had to go to summer school or fail the year(this started sixth grade). He would often cut classes. I tried walking him to school so I knew he was going directly to school and told him that if will be coming back after school and he better still be in school or he would be in serious trouble. He has been getting into fights at school, bullying children. He has been demanding that younger children give him $1 to use his swings on the playground. If they don't agree he throws the swings over the rail so no one can swing on them. The parents of two ten year old boys have complained about this and I made sure that he apologized.

 

In October of last year he and his friends who are now all 13 were arrested for vandalism of the houses of those not giving out candy. I believe a total of 9-11 kids were arrested that day with most of them being my son and his friends.

 

Back in June of this year he was invited to a birthday party at a restaurant, there he and another friend saw another boy had a DSi asked to be excused to go the washroom and followed the boy inside the washroom. There they cornered this 11 year old boy and while one of them held the boy the other grabbed the DSi and they sold it to a pawn shop. They claimed they had knives on them.

 

I have tried everything. I never have thought I would have used physical force, however twice I have hit him. The first time it was a spanking, the second time he was taugting me threatening to shoplift and I lost my patients when he flung an elastic band in my face and grabbed his arm. Both times he reported me to CPS and they told me that if I hit him again I can be charged. He lied and made it seem like I did worse than spank him and claimed I smacked him across the face. CPS also said that grabbing his arm is unacceptable.

 

I have moved and had to give my information to CPS since I am on file so they can notify the other location that I am on file.

 

I heard from his principal a summer camp for troubled children and he did well and I have been able to get him to listen to me. However just recently he forcefully took another child's 3ds and threatened to cut him with scissors at school. Since his current school is for troubled children they did not kick him out, also this incident happened after school.

 

The parents of the eleven year old he robbed want to press charges. When He informed me that he used force to get the Dsi from the 11 year old we found out that the parents have reported it and my son had to pay for it. They tried to pawn it but could not being under 18.

 

Now he did the same thing with another boy and the parents of that boy want to press charges. I thought that moving to a new location would help but it is not helping.

 

I have tried everything, grounding him. He butters me up till he can have his privlages back only to be grounded again because he goes back to his original ways. I have forbidden him from hanging out with his friends. He has told me he hates me and instead of replying back I said "that's nice" and he was stunned by this response. He just does not seem to get it and I am afraid that if he continued this behavior that he woulld end up in jail.

 

Further more he hangs out with a 23 year old man to play video games. I have told him that I don't like him hanging out with some adult I don't know and he sneaks out though I have forbidden him from doing that.

 

Just recently he stole my credit card for Neopets itself and some other gaming sites. Facebook(which I have tried to contact since he is too young to use their site.)

 

 

Are there any programs for him to help him. I mean he turns 13 in two months. He is only 12 and trouble. He is getting older and running out of chances.

[April]

In my honest opinion Spanking is an okay form of punishment. There is not lasting damage. It just stings at the time. And it gets the message across.

I thank my parents for doing that when I was younger. I see so my children and teenagers misbehaving and all their parents do is ground them or scold them. Grounding does nothing now a days.

Spanking made me strive not to do it again. However when I turned 13 I was too old for this. XD

 

I don't know of any programs but I actually have a cousin I have taken under my wing due to these kind of problems with his parents. I immediately found him a counselor and he has started getting better. It turns out he had an anger disorder.

My only suggestion would be to go along the same lines and see if you can bring him to see a therapist.

 

I am sorry you are having problems with your son.

I wish you the best.

 

And with the friends thing, I know when I was younger it would make me more angry, while in some cases it is the friends influencing, sometimes there are decent friends.

 

Perhaps you could extend it to he can have friends over when you are there and can make sure there is nothing bad going on? A sort of compromise?

 

I was personally a bad child and when I was told no and got into arguments and my parents forbid me from seeing my friends it made me do it more and rebel more.

 

Since the friend is 23, perhaps you could try and talk one on one with him in an adult mature manner? I understand if this does not work as some adults are not adults at all.

 

 

 

 

*cough* To TNT, this is why having NC on a Children's site is a BAD idea. You go on so much about how the site is for kids but then have NC which most children can't use.

Even if winning NC from the daily was more common I'd be happy.

[Welcome Back Apathy]

Sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh when after that whole introduction about all the things he's done, he stole your credit card to play neopets. After all that, I would have expected him to use your card to buy less geeky or "childish" things. (People his age tend to think that games like that are for babies. Once we get older, we understand it's for everyone.)

 

Anyway, it's clearly a tough--darn near impossible if it isn't impossible--situation. I understand the point of CPS, but when they take away the ability to punish a kid at all, the child lacks discipline. The only way you CAN punish him now is by taking away privileges--which clearly, you have been trying to do.

 

Is CPS okay with getting a lock on the outside of his room and then locking him in when he's being punished? Then again, even if they are okay with that, THEN you somehow have to force him into the room, and whatever your methods for doing so are, you'd have to restrain him somehow. Honestly, I would call up CPS and ask what they would suggest. Make sure you detail every horrible thing he's done and ask them what they would suggest for punishment. Then stress that you did EVERYTHING they said (which you did) but you can't force a punishment on him because he will resist AND ATTACK YOU, as he has done. Stress that the times you have hit him were in self-defense--WHICH THEY WERE.

 

As for the computer, I would say don't let him anywhere near a computer. Got homework? Too bad--sounds like he wouldn't do it anyway. You may need to get rid of a desktop and ONLY have a laptop, but if it's really extreme, this may be a necessity.

 

The remaining suggestions I have are very, very extreme.

*Boot camp. No, seriously, BOOT CAMP. I don't know what the school for troubled children is like, but if it's not BOOT CAMP, send him to BOOT CAMP. At the very least, it may instill a sense of working hard for something. It would also help him understand how good he has things--and he would be unable to steal from the other kids because they won't have anything either.

 

*I know you just moved, but--and this is VEEEERY extreme, of course--moving out to a place out in the boonies might help some. That is, if he can't walk places, he can't get into trouble as readily.

 

 

I wish you luck. I've taught kids like what you describe, but the vast majority of their parents didn't pay any attention to the kids, hence their ability to run wild. I'm glad you are actually doing your best to stop his behavior.

[1998zachary1998]

Sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh when after that whole introduction about all the things he's done, he stole your credit card to play neopets. After all that, I would have expected him to use your card to buy less geeky or "childish" things. (People his age tend to think that games like that are for babies. Once we get older, we understand it's for everyone.)

 

Anyway, it's clearly a tough--darn near impossible if it isn't impossible--situation. I understand the point of CPS, but when they take away the ability to punish a kid at all, the child lacks discipline. The only way you CAN punish him now is by taking away privileges--which clearly, you have been trying to do.

 

Is CPS okay with getting a lock on the outside of his room and then locking him in when he's being punished? Then again, even if they are okay with that, THEN you somehow have to force him into the room, and whatever your methods for doing so are, you'd have to restrain him somehow. Honestly, I would call up CPS and ask what they would suggest. Make sure you detail every horrible thing he's done and ask them what they would suggest for punishment. Then stress that you did EVERYTHING they said (which you did) but you can't force a punishment on him because he will resist AND ATTACK YOU, as he has done. Stress that the times you have hit him were in self-defense--WHICH THEY WERE.

 

As for the computer, I would say don't let him anywhere near a computer. Got homework? Too bad--sounds like he wouldn't do it anyway. You may need to get rid of a desktop and ONLY have a laptop, but if it's really extreme, this may be a necessity.

 

The remaining suggestions I have are very, very extreme.

*Boot camp. No, seriously, BOOT CAMP. I don't know what the school for troubled children is like, but if it's not BOOT CAMP, send him to BOOT CAMP. At the very least, it may instill a sense of working hard for something. It would also help him understand how good he has things--and he would be unable to steal from the other kids because they won't have anything either.

 

*I know you just moved, but--and this is VEEEERY extreme, of course--moving out to a place out in the boonies might help some. That is, if he can't walk places, he can't get into trouble as readily.

 

 

I wish you luck. I've taught kids like what you describe, but the vast majority of their parents didn't pay any attention to the kids, hence their ability to run wild. I'm glad you are actually doing your best to stop his behavior.

I say send him out on his own and see if he fares well. He will be begging to come back and hopefully follow your rules.

[Xepha]

I'm curious to know if anything stressful happened when he was 10? Sometimes life is forcing things upon us and it's hard to cope with the situation...

 

Since one of the problem is the people he hangs with, I'd suggest that he joins a club or a sport team to meet other kind of people.

 

If I have other ideas, I'll post them.

[Sweetdang]

I agree with April. I was caned until I hit 13. It might be a little too late for that, though. Grabbing his arm is unacceptable? I beg to differ. In truth, I find nothing wrong with what you've done so far.

 

It's heartwarming to know you haven't given up on him, and are trying so hard to change him. I agree with the boot camp thing. Honestly, what he needs is a little discipline. He thinks he can get away with everything - show him that he can't. When you ground him, Keep him grounded for the amount of time. Make him help out with chores. If he does a certain amount of work done, allow him a small privilege. Reward him in small ways. For example, if one day he stayed completely in check, completed all his homework, etc, cook something nice for dinner. If this continues, the next day, buy him a treat, food, or something. The moment you disobeys, take it away. He will see how much you were giving him, and hopefully work toward that again.

 

Regarding the 26 year old, that sounds fairly dangerous. Make sure he doesn't dabble in smoking, (serious) extorting, stealing, or drugs. Make sure you know! If he comes home at odd hours, question him. If he gets rebellious, don't scold him, scolding tends to do nothing but make them more stubborn. Say "okay" and walk away. And anything he says, or asks you, just go "okay" or "whatever you want". Show him something is off, honestly, kids need too much from their parents to be ignored for too long. :P

 

Good luck and all the best!

[Vocaloid Marshmallow]

I suggest you send him to some really strict boarding school or boot camp.

Don't think me rude, but does he have a father? If he does, talk about this with him.

You said his friends are the same, right? Maybe you should try talking with their parents and ask what they are planning to do with their children.

You could also take him to a counselor. Talk with your close friends about this, they could help you.

 

And I really don't see anything wrong with hurting him physically(unless you hurt him really, really hard, which you won't). And like Karina said, if there is no punishment, the child won't have any discipline.

Try talking to that 23 year old man about this. If your son still goes to his house to play, buy him the video games he likes. If the man doesn't listen to you and lets your son play with him, report the man.

 

Its a wonder how you are still nice with him and you aren't really hurting him that much and that you still have hope.

I hope it works out for you! Good luck! :)

[Masaryk]

It sounds like your son really needs to see a child psychologist. Even a visit to his regular doctor could be helpful. Trying to suggest a treatment plan, without first understanding the cause of his behaviour isn't very useful. If he has a psychological issue, there will be good options for teaching him to control his behaviour, which may involve medication, but may not. If he has a proper diagnosis for his school to be aware of, they might be able to tailor a behaviour plan for him. With the proper reinforcement of this plan, both at home and a school, he is very likely to be successful in curbing his behaviour. I have seen these kinds of programs work to great effect, but the longer you wait, the harder you, him, and the school will have to work to get him back on track.

 

It is not my place to tell you how to parent, but I will offer a few suggestions, based on what you had said above.

 

1) You need to be firm and consistent. It sounds like your son is very manipulative, and if he thinks that he can weasel his way out of any punishment, then he's won the battle.

 

2) Remember to always reward his good behaviour. This doesn't have to be a physical/monetary reward of any sort, though it can be. Rewards of privileges are good too! This is what I see behaviour management teachers do in their classrooms, and it works for many students.

 

Keep a behaviour chart for him. Divide it up, into ~4 parts of the day. If he follows the rules, he gets a sticker in the box for that time frame. If he gets all of his stickers that day, he gets a reward. Or another method is to have him earn points. Develop a list of rewards and how many points each reward costs. Give him points when he completes a task, obeys the rules, does well at school, etc. He can then choose to buy rewards with his points. Points can also be taken way, but only in the most serious circumstances, and never all of his points, unless he's in jail.

 

 

Also, I am concerned about him hanging out with an adult you don't know. Most adults do not choose to spend their time with children. He may be grooming your child for something, such as sex or selling drugs. I would consider asking CPS or the police on advice for dealing with this situation. He might be looking for some additional male role models, which he should have access to. I am going to make a possibly bad assumption that you are a single mum. If I am correct about this, get your son into Big Brothers, so that he can have a safe, responsible male adult to bond with, instead of some random guy that might be looking to take advantage of your son. Also, if he has other male adults to spend time with, such as uncles or older cousins (that are responsible people) this will be great for him.

 

Best wishes!

[redtopaz]

I like the scared straight programs.

Make him go to jail.

I got into trouble when I was younger, and got sent away to various facilities and programs.

I'm a law abiding upstanding girl now.

I also went to therapy for 6 years.

[yahoo101010]

First of all I should have mentioned in my first post I am the father not the mother.

 

Since I first asked for help several things have changed.

 

The second boy he threatened, the mother told my son that he was a coward because he needs weapons to fight his son and would not be able to fight him in real life, so to prove her wrong my son decided to challenge her on this and about a week later got into a fight with this boy. Needless to say the other boy won, he often gets into fights sometimes he gets hurt.

 

Another friend dared him to run across a busy street and he did.

 

Also TNT refuses to refund my money since my son was appaerntly recently frozen for scamming other users, or trying to.

[Alice ☮]

The second boy he threatened, the mother told my son that he was a coward because he needs weapons to fight his son and would not be able to fight him in real life, so to prove her wrong my son decided to challenge her on this and about a week later got into a fight with this boy. Needless to say the other boy won, he often gets into fights sometimes he gets hurt.

 

This came from an adult? What kind of a mother (or any responsible adult, for that matter) provokes a child? Especially a 12 year old? That was very irresponsible of her. Have you confronted her about the matter?

 

Another friend dared him to run across a busy street and he did.

 

That is VERY dangerous. I think maybe he's reaching that age where some kids somehow think they're invincible, when they're not. He seems to take others' opinions of him very seriously. He needs to learn that he can't give in to peer pressure, especially when it puts his health at risk (easier said than done).

 

Also TNT refuses to refund my money since my son was appaerntly recently frozen for scamming other users, or trying to.

 

I'm sure they would have made up any excuse not to refund you to be honest :/

[FirstBornTriplet]

This came from an adult? What kind of a mother (or any responsible adult, for that matter) provokes a child? Especially a 12 year old? That was very irresponsible of her. Have you confronted her about the matter?

 

 

 

Don't know if it matters but Yahoo's son did threaten her son with scissors or a fake knife for the 3ds. I think it was that child's mother who called him a coward for using scissors.