manevilus Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 It was a normal day in the haunted woods, a day like any other. Lightning flashed outside my window, and illuminated everything as bright as the mid afternoon sun. There on the wall was a creepy shadow, but it did not scare me however, because I worked in the spooky pet-pets shop, and creepy shadows were an everyday occurrence. This shadow did look a bit different from the others, I was used to seeing blobs, slorgs, and other such pet-pets. This shadow was much larger, it had wings, large ears, and a slender body type. What could possibly be outside the window? The thunder rumbled so loudly; that at first I did not hear the insistent knock; the request to be let in. As I opened the door a strange sight greeted my widening eyes. Before me stood, if you could call it standing, it was more like flying. It's wings were struggling to keep up with it's body.It's wing's were covered in holes almost as if they had rotted, the candle light filtering through causing strange spots on the wall. It's spiked tail swished back and forth like a pendulum, and the spots covering it's body were almost like a disease. "What could this strange korbat want?" I thought to myself. I had seen korbats before but never had they ventured into the spooky pet-pet's shop. We stared at each other for a moment as I forgot myself, shaking my head to clear the confusion I spoke up quipping lightly, "Welcome To Spooky Pet-Pets, how can I help you today?", then I began to shamelessly plug; my sales attitude shining through like a beacon, "We have quite a sale on slorgs, or if you fancy a devilpuss...." I was cut off before I could finish. "I am not looking for any of those.....I want a Droolik...more specifically....a ghost droolik.", he looked at me expectantly as he spoke. My jaw dropped and I had to push it closed, "This must be a rich korbat", I thought as I silently went through our stock... Silently I nodded my head, stepping around the counter as I walked towards the bats, passing past the five aisles of slorgs. Stopping for a moment in front of the slymooks, I smiled at one and continued on towards the empty shelves of the rarer spooky pet-pets, stopping in front of the droolik shelf, noticing the only one we had left was a desert droolik. I looked up finally, noticing he had followed me, his eyes flicking from shelf to shelf in contemplation; of what I was unsure. I spoke up, my eyes perusing the shelves once more before declaring, "I am sorry, we are currently out of stock, I can order you one, although I would expect a deposit of seventy-thousand neopoints as security...", I said. The korbat nodded his head thoughtfully, speaking softly, "I expected as much, they are rare creatures, and loyal to a fault, it is a shame.", almost as an afterthought he added, "I am Tuolious, by the way, I come from an experiment gone wrong, I am what I look like, a zombie, though my tongue is thankfully intact" (EDITED) (TO BE CONTINUED) If there is enough interest.... Thoughts? Criticism? Does this suck? Does it belong in the rubbish heap? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Masaryk Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I think you have a very good start to an interesting story here. Your descriptive text is very vivid. Definitely keep writing it! You might even have NT material here. Some advice, though. Pay attention to your punctuation. There are a lot of commas being used where there should be semicolons or periods. Proper paragraphs would also be helpful. It's really hard to follow large blocks of text without breaks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manevilus Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 I think you have a very good start to an interesting story here. Your descriptive text is very vivid. Definitely keep writing it! You might even have NT material here. Some advice, though. Pay attention to your punctuation. There are a lot of commas being used where there should be semicolons or periods. Proper paragraphs would also be helpful. It's really hard to follow large blocks of text without breaks. Thank you for the criticism:I am an aspiring author and actually have a ton of non-neopets related short stories. Writing for me isn't as much about punctuation as it is about content, when it comes to finished content I can always peruse it and edit to satisfaction. After all, what author has amazing punctuation the first draft around? Added more onto it...the plot thickens...is this going somewhere? DO I smell an adventure for the korbat? Will he decide on another pet-pet? This post has been edited by a member of staff (Meowy) because of a violation of the forum rules. Please do not double post. Use the edit button instead. :) Please check your user inbox to see if you have been contacted regarding this incident, then review our rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GRINJaime Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Try leveling in Ashenvale in your mid 20s with it.. I play an Undead Warlock, and there were NE hunters litteraly camping the paths the other day. It was 5 or 6 level 60s spread around this one area killing people not even half of there level. This topic has been edited by a member of staff (Meowy Christmas) because of a violation of the forum rules. Please do not bump an old topic that has been inactive for over 21 days. Please check your user inbox to see if you have been contacted regarding this incident, then review our rules. Per the reason above, this topic has been LOCKED. Please contact Meowy Christmas if you have any questions regarding this action. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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