Short stories

[Captain Awesome Pants]

Kay so last night I wrote too short stories. And I want y'all (that means you, too) to critque them.

 

The first one:

 

The Last Unicorn

 

He trotted through the forest quietly, reminiscing on all of the good times he had had there. Parting with it would be so bittersweet. All of the nooks and crannies he had explored, all of the friends he had made, and all of the plants he had raised; he’d be leaving them all in his dust.

 

Of course, he wouldn’t forget a soul. Not the chattering squirrels, nor the partying deer. Not the gossiping porcupines, nor the slumbering bear. And especially not the brook, nor her fish. The brook that ran through the middle of his sweet forest always talked to him, and told him stories. She told him truths and fantasies. She told him of things she had seen and heard, and of things she could only dream of seeing and hearing.

 

He turned his long, elegant face up towards Mother Moon. She was watching him, and smiling. He was doing her proud. And she would never forget what her son had done.

 

He then turned to look down at the dirt, and around at the trees. They were all Gaea. She was the one who had requested of him to do this task; to fulfill this duty. He had told her it would be his pleasure.

 

But would it really? Wasn’t it in the forest where she had placed him first? Wasn’t that where he was to carry out his life, doing good for others? It was where he felt most at home, and where he felt his calling was. But he didn’t deny Gaea what she wanted. She knew his fate, so it must be right for him to do this.

 

He took one last look around, at his beautiful darling forest; his love. He began to walk to the edge, where he would depart once and for all.

 

He passed the squirrels, not chattering, just sitting in silence; he said goodbye to them.

 

 

He passed the deer, at rest for once; he said goodbye to them.

 

 

He passed the porcupines, no longer spreading rumors; he said goodbye to them.

 

 

He passed the bears, standing tall and alert; he said goodbye to them.

 

 

He walked next to the brook. She told him no stories, but just cried unnoticed tears. He said goodbye to her.

 

 

He walked next to the fish until the end of his road. They said nothing to him. They never had. But he said goodbye to them as well.

 

 

Before stepping out of the forest for the first time, he said goodbye to the flowers, and the birds. He said goodbye to the trees, and the grass.

 

 

He then shed a single tear as he said goodbye to his old life, and hello to his new.

 

 

 

 

 

And with that, the very last unicorn became the very first human

 

 

 

~~~~~

 

Second one:

 

The Ribbon

 

She looked at the satin fabric between her two fingers.

 

A ribbon.

 

Her ribbon.

 

It was tied around her chest. Her mother had never explained to her why, just that if she were to ever cut it while it was still attached to only her, she would lose her life.

 

Her mother had also told her that when she had found her true love that she was to tie the other end around his chest. Then cut it in the middle. That would bind them together forever.

 

Years had passed since then. Her mother had come and gone. Every year on Valentine’s Day, the girl would go down to her grave and put a bit of ribbon around the cross, and then place four red roses underneath it. They had no significance; it had just become a habit.

 

This Valentine’s Day, however, she was to tie her ribbon to a young man. Her father had arranged her marriage.

 

The girl met with her fiancé one last time before they were to be wed. She hugged him and told him she loved him.

 

 

That was a lie.

 

The wedding came and went without a flaw. The guests were all happy, and rosy-cheeked. It seemed impossible to be unhappy on such a wonderful day. But she was. The girl was.

 

That night she was to tie her ribbon around him and sever it down the middle, forever intertwining their fates.

 

They crawled into bed next to each other and smiled; his was genuine, while hers was not.

 

He really loved the girl. She thought he was a kind man, but she could never love him back. She just couldn’t.

 

 

She unbuttoned her gown to gain access to the ribbon. She slowly threaded it through her fingers and looped it around his chest. She made a complex motion with the ribbon. It seemed to be tied off, so her husband told her to cut the ribbon.

 

She took the scissors and slowly snipped the thin fabric.

 

He smiled at her. They were now together forever, and he was happy. He held her face in his hands, and drifted off to sleep.

 

When he was deep in slumber, she tip-toed out, scissors in hand. She pulled on her coat and slid her shoes on. Upon stepping outside, she felt a cool wind rush around her. It calmed her, justifying her thoughts. She stood on top of the fresh snow underneath a lamppost. It would be her spotlight for the night, because this was her show and no one was stopping her.

 

She once again unbuttoned things to get to the ribbon. But this time there was no looping, no tying.

 

The scissors gleamed in the light as she held them to the satin.

 

And, in one fell movement, she cut her bond. Her bond to the world, and her bond to a love that wasn’t there.

 

Swiftly she fell to the ground. The ribbon melted away from her body and became her blood. It stained the snow. That was the first and last time she would ever bleed.

 

Her widowed husband woke up the next morning to a neighbor knocking at his door.

 

“Come,” he told him.

 

So he went. He went outside. Out to the crowd that was gathered around the lamppost.

 

He walked up to the front. There, he saw his wife, lying, as cold as the snow, and as cold as he felt at that moment.

 

And there, next to her was her blood……

 

 

 

…..In the shape of a heart.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~

 

So those are my two stories. I want to see what you all think. Don't be afraid to criticize it, I promise I won't bite this time. :)

 

Oh, and a link to my deviantART: http://incaptivity.deviantart.com/

[livvy]

Hm... They're well-written, Laura. I suppose I shall comment in order:

 

First one:

I like it! It's very imaginative, and your use of personification was excellent. The ending was unexpected, which made it even better. Good work! =]

 

Second one:

Again, very well written. Excellent use of imagery in this one. I have a question though; why in the shape of a heart? I mean, I think I know what you're saying - that the ribbon was like her heart - but the very last bit seems a bit odd the way it's written. Maybe that's just me. Other than that, the emotion was very clear and well-illustrated, and it was overall pretty good.

[Shane for Wax]

I'm afraid there is not much for me to say, I cannot critique short stories very well simply because they are so short and you cannot really connect with the characters or have enough story elements for me to look at and critique. I am a novelist. But, I CAN grade on how well it is written. I will say that it was nicely written, the sentences however were very abrupt and almost spat out. I hope that doesn't discourage you. Like I said, I am a novelist, and I teach others how to write their stories in interesting ways. You have the imagery, you have the skill. Do not neglect it.

[Captain Awesome Pants]

@livvy: Thanks. :) And I actually have NO idea why I had it be a heart. I guess because she was almost trying to say, "I'm sorry, you're a great guy and I loved you, but never like you loved me."

 

@rotcchick081: Ahhh, thanks so much. And I know what you mean with the whole it being hard to connect with characters in short stories. The reason the sentences are "spat-out" is because they are written in "deviantART" format, so-to speak. The way some of my favorite deviantART writers write is in that short, choppy way, and it rubbed off on me. I can write in well-constructed sentences with meaning and such, but I just preferred to write to the general audience that would be reading and favoriting my work.

[Shane for Wax]

Mm...you shouldn't copy someone else's way of writing. Come up with your own. :D Though I kinda get what you mean. My writing has taken on a tone you might see from C. S. Lewis or Hugh Laurie.

[Unstream]

Actually, I really like the writing style here. These were both interesting to read, and I think they were written really well.

 

The first one though, does the unicorn turning into a human symbolize something? I feel like I missing the point of the story. (It's not your fault, it's cause I'm stupid and don't get symbolism)

[Captain Awesome Pants]

Well, that story takes place WAAYYY back when, you know, how in the fables when the Earth was perfect at the beginning and there were beautiful mystical cratures and abundant forests.

 

Well it's taking place then. And there are all these animals. But Gaea wants humans. So she has the unicorn turn into the very first human. It's like, an alternative Adam and Eve/Creation story. A very whimsical one.

[Revenge]

I really like the second one. If you put more into the first one it would feel better. It just sort of began and ended really abruptly, even for a short story. It's cool that you can make these though, I've never finshed a short story.

[Captain Awesome Pants]

I don't usually go back and edit short stories once I'm done if they were just for fun. It's my rule of thumb.

 

But thanks, I'll keep that in mind next time. ;)