livvy Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Okay, I have no idea why I wrote this poem. It's about one of the small frustrations involved with being a teenager. If there's one thing I hate about being a teen It's the perpetual state of "stuck in between" I'm a girl or a woman at the adults' whim I know how to not drown, but not quite how to swim They yell if I lash out when my hormones rage But for all my own problems: "Oh, it's just a stage" So tell me who rules in this lopsided world ~ Signed, a young woman; a girl It's not my best... :* ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkyTurtle Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I like it, Livvy! You really captured the frustration of being a teen... and the irritating habit adults seem to have of thinking they can choose when we're to be a child and when to be an adult. Nicely done :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 :thumbsup: It may not be your best, but it's good poetry! Good poetry is always something to appreciate. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amitybelle Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I love it! Exactly how I felt all through high school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livvy Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Thanks! I didn't think it was too good, but I've always been my harshest critic, so I'm really glad y'all liked it. ^_^ (There's another poem I really wanna post, but I wrote it a while ago, and I can't find it... I'll post it when I do though!) ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midtime Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Great poem! It really makes me not want to grow older... :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkyTurtle Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Thanks! I didn't think it was too good, but I've always been my harshest critic, so I'm really glad y'all liked it. ^_^ ~ Livvy I think we're always our own worst critics, Livvy. I won't let folks see half of what I write because I think it's substandard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ΩCCΩ Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Man, That was some poetry gal, captured thee heart and thee made it flew pass. *coughthatisthebestpoemIcanevermakecough* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thanks! I didn't think it was too good, but I've always been my harshest critic, so I'm really glad y'all liked it. ^_^ It's an artist thing. :yes: All good artists are unwilling to admit that they're actually good - it's a universal rule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ΩCCΩ Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 belimy, but it is....I am no teeen yet, 12 1/2 is my age but you can say I am a preteen...I am already starting to hate it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livvy Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 *coughthankyouverymuchCuteCybunnycough* To the two of you who are now worried about growing up: It's really not too bad - there are some great parts about growing up - it just gets frustrating sometimes. It's an artist thing. :yes: All good artists are unwilling to admit that they're actually good - it's a universal rule. So true, so true... ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
̊ ˉˉ ̊ Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Pretty good stuff. Make a few more, put them together, and you could probably make some money off of your frustration :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livvy Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Haha, I don't think my poetry is quite good enough to make money off of yet. =P Oh, I found the poem I had been looking for! I'm gonna go post it now. I wrote it when I was... 12 I think, so it's probably not that great, but I still like it. =] ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unstream Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Oh yeah, you could definitely sell your poems. They're so good. Are you considering becoming a poet? But about this poem, it seems to be left hanging. I'd add one more line to it: "(a/the) ______ or (a/the) (word that rhymes with world). Once again though, this is an amazing poem. Definitely better than anything I could conjure up with my own mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livvy Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 :* Thanks, guys... (Yea, I thought that too at first, which is why I added the last line: "~ signed, a young woman, a girl") ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Cat Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 It's really good! ;3 For the last sentence though, I suggest taking out the ~, and just capitalizing "Signed." The ~, to me, separates it from the rest of the poem. I'm not sure about this, but I think that line is also a few syllables short. And maybe knock out a syllable for each of the third and fourth lines. They sound too long to me, compared to the rest of the poem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unstream Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Yeah, I thought the last line wasn't part of the poem. And I think the syllables are fine for the last line, since you can add a pause to fill them up. Yes, I can hear it now. Sounds very good :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livvy Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 It's really good! ;3 For the last sentence though, I suggest taking out the ~, and just capitalizing "Signed." The ~, to me, separates it from the rest of the poem. I'm not sure about this, but I think that line is also a few syllables short. And maybe knock out a syllable for each of the third and fourth lines. They sound too long to me, compared to the rest of the poem. Hm... for the fourth line, I could do: I know not to drown, but not how to swim. As for the ending: I was trying to mimic actually signing a letter, but I could take the ~ out. And I know it's short, but that's because it kind of IS separated from the rest of it. It closes it. Or maybe that only makes sense in my mind. Hm... And I think the syllables are fine for the last line, since you can add a pause to fill them up. Yes, I can hear it now. Sounds very good :D Okay, so it doesn't only make sense in my mind. =] ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Cat Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I like that change to the fourth line - flows better in my mind. I'm a capitalization freak, so I still say capitalize "Signed", but there's just something about that ~. Maybe make it a - ? xDD If you put a pause in right before the "a girl", then it does fit the meter ;3 What about putting "A girl" on the next line so you know there's a pause there? I was reading it straight through with no pauses till it was posted here that there should be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unstream Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Regarding the fourth line, I like it the way it was. I read it like this: I know how to not drown //pause// but not quite how to swim Almost like two lines. I like it the way it is. It has a very nice rhythm. And the comma should indicate the pause. The capitalization sounds good though. And I don't think whether it's a - or a ~ matters. ~ is how I sign my letters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livvy Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 I like that change to the fourth line - flows better in my mind.I'm a capitalization freak, so I still say capitalize "Signed", but there's just something about that ~. Maybe make it a - ? xDD If you put a pause in right before the "a girl", then it does fit the meter ;3 What about putting "A girl" on the next line so you know there's a pause there? I was reading it straight through with no pauses till it was posted here that there should be. I'll see what I can do with the last line. The commas are kind of supposed to indicate the break; I don't want to add another line because it would interrupt the form. EDIT: Will, why do you keep saying what I'm in the middle of typing? It's really odd how you always type what I'm thinking... Scary... *twilight zone music plays* ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Cat Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I was originally thinking: If there's one thing I hate about being a teenIt's the perpetual state of "stuck in between" I'm a girl or a woman at adults' whim I know how to not drown but not how to swim They yell if I lash out when my hormones rage But for all my own problems: "Oh, it's just a stage" So tell me who rules in this lopsided world. -Signed, a young woman. A girl. I know a comma means a break, but I was reading it as a short break, like you would do when you're reading a book. A longer break than that is needed to keep the meter, in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unstream Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Will, why do you keep saying what I'm in the middle of typing? It's really odd how you always type what I'm thinking... Scary... *twilight zone music plays* Haha great minds think alike, though yours would be greater than mine. I can't write poetry like that. I've started a bunch that sound really good, but I could never finish them. Maybe I should write like E.E. Cunnings. l(a le af fa ll s) one l iness Edit: Here's how I'd have your poem: If there's one thing I hate about being a teenIt's the perpetual state of "stuck in between" I'm a girl or a woman at the adults' whim I know how to not drown, but not quite how to swim They yell if I lash out when my hormones rage But for all my own problems: "Oh, it's just a stage" So tell me who rules in this lopsided world ~ Signed, a young woman, a girl I know, I changed a lot, didn't I? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livvy Posted January 31, 2009 Author Share Posted January 31, 2009 Haha, that was an amazing poem, Will. *applauds* =P If I only took one syllable from each of those lines, it would hurt the flow more than it would help it. I could take two syllables from the fourth, but I can't really shorten the third much... Again, form. It actually looks pretty good with the extra bit at the bottom, but I think it should be obvious without the period that there's a break there. If not, I could use a semicolon. I just don't want to break the structure of it. I capitalized the S though! Ha, I feel like I'm in a room full of editors. =P I appreciate all the feedback though. It's really helpful. ~ Livvy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unstream Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 Yes :yes:, a semicolon would do well there. Haha but before you start giving me credit, that's not my poem. It was actually written by E. E. Cunnings and is actually one of his most famous poems. And yay :D you made one of my two changes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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