antiaircraft Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Some of you may remember that ages ago I created a 'Puns' bored that was pretty successful, but died in the end. :( Anyway, this is basically an (attempted) revival of that bored, but this time it's not limited to just jokes: it's for funny pictures and videos as well - basically anything to make you laugh. :D So to kick-start the topic, I'll post one joke I picked up recently: Two Americans died and went to heaven. One was a cab driver and one was a pastor. When they arrived at the gates to heaven, St. Peter looked up the cabbie in his long list of names, then gave him a finely embroidered robe and a golden staff, letting him through the gates. The pastor was next in line, so he strode up confidently, but when St. Peter looked him up in the list, he was only given a plain brown robe and a wooden staff. Indignant, the pastor asked, "Hey, I'm a man of God, but the person who went in just now was a cab driver. How come he got such a fine robe and staff, while I only get this?" St. Peter looked at the pastor very sternly and said, "What we are looking for here in heaven is results. When you preached, people slept, but when that man drove, people prayed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOM Bringer Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Hahaha! Nice one AA! I do have some jokes, but mostly they are inappropriate, so I will just post a really lame joke (it's always the first joke to come to my head) [lame] What did the Cowboy say to the Artist? "Draw" [/lame] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 1, 2008 Author Share Posted March 1, 2008 XD Here's another one then: I was a percussionist major in my university once, and for some reason my section kept making mistakes while playing. After a frustrating hour, the professor who was conducting sneered, "You know what they do if you make too many mistakes? They give you two sticks, put you in the back, and call you a percussionist." My friend grinned for a moment, then leaned over and whispered, "And if you're too dumb to hold onto two sticks at once, they stick you in the front and call you a conductor." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOM Bringer Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 XD!!!! LOL! Very good! Uh, try this one: As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 :laughingsmiley: Oh yes, I remember that one from an ad back then the NZ government was campaigning for safe driving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOM Bringer Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Heres another one I got from a website(please note that I don't hate lawyers and I apologize if you are one, I just liked the joke, not it's view on lawyers): Q: Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek? A: Nobody will look for them. Lol! You might not find it funny, but it sure made me laugh :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 ROFL. It's true that lawyers have a bad reputation these days... Person 1: What's the difference between an elephant and a postbox? Person 2: I don't know - what is the difference between an elephant and a postbox? Person 1: I'm not sending you to post any letters then! XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midtime Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 [work in progress] A soldier's song [sarcasm]If your shoe's more hole than boot, And your rifle doesn't shoot, Then you shouldn't give a hoot, Never mind. If your bunker is on fire, And their bombs can throw you higher, If you landed on barbed wire, Never mind. Chorus: Never mind! Never mind! If you're fighting in a war then never mind. If your general is mad, And in mud and dirt you're clad, Even if you're just a lad, Never mind. If your uniform is cyan, And your tech is rather Mayan, If you tripped up on a lion, Never mind. If they've got the better height, And you stand out like a kite, Then you shouldn't take to flight - Just never mind. Chorus If you're stranded in the Nile, On a sleeping crocodile, And your eyes are filled with bile, Never mind. If you're hunted, on the run, And you haven't got a gun, Then you should be having fun, So never mind. Chorus If you're waist-deep in the mud, When you're riding on your bud, And you're weak from lack of blood, Never mind. If your mouth feels full of glue, And your water tastes of goo, Then to cheer up shout, "Yoohoo!", And never mind. Chorus If you've travelled long and far, Desert's hotter than a star, Sarge's head's an empty jar, Never mind. Those oasises are gone, All mirages, each a con, Then just jovially stroll on And never mind. Chorus When the war's all good and done, And each soldier's had his fun, When you've handed in your gun, Never mind. When you're poorest of the poor, And your sleeping mat's the floor, Push your troubles out the door, And never mind. Chorus 2: Never mind! Never mind! If you fought in the Great War then never mind. If you feel that you've been had, And at Churchill you are mad, Though you're bankrupt, broke and sad, Just never mind. If you can't afford your food, And out of house and home you're shooed, If your stomach's worse for mood, Never mind. If your sleeping place is damp, And you wake up with a cramp, From the darkness make your lamp - Never mind.[/sarcasm][/work in progress] I made this one up. It goes on and on and on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 :laughingsmiley: I remember the first few verses of that one - it's great! :yes: I might post a list of really hilarious videos later on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOM Bringer Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Haha great song their AA3, very creative. What made you come up with that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 AA3 is a freelance composer. :yes: This means that he sings random songs/tunes while he's having a bath, working, eating, sleeping, and also at opportune moments to annoy me. XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revenge Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 That's cool! I once made up song, but I forgot it completely. I'll remember this one, though! I'll sing it to myself whenever I have the urge to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 The following are all hilarious videos done by one guy on YouTube: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOM Bringer Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Lol I've seen those Eddie Izzard videos before (you suggested them ages ago during my Youtube video contest) They are hilarious, I especially like the animations that come with them, they are the best part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 My absolute favourite joke of all time: A bear walks into a doctors office. He says to the doctor: "Doctor, doctor! I have trouble gripping... ...things." The doctor looks at the bear and asks: "Why the big pause?" To which the bear replies: "I've had them all my life." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midtime Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 @Tom: I was thinking pretty much randomly, and I had just read "Horrible Histories: The Woeful Second World War" (It's a nice book, too). I thought up the various misfortunes that might befall a soldier and put them in a song. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 @Eric: I wish there was an animated laughing smiley on this forum so I could use it every time somebody posts a joke as good as that one. :P @Tom: Yeah, the guy who did the animations with the Lego was a genius. :yes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parshy Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I whish there more he can do. all of them were funny. W00T! 2Kposts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOM Bringer Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Congrats on getting 2k posts and becoming an FM, I'm slowly getting there. @Eric: Lol, nice joke. I've actually haven't heard it before. @AA3: I think I've read that book before (I read a lot of the Horrible Histories series). Still are you going to make any more verses? (no pressure lol, just wondering) And if I think up a joke or come across a good one I'll be sure to post it here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 @Tom: Of course he's going to make up more verses. He's driving me crazy making up more verses. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revenge Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 So 2000 posts is Fantastic Member eh? What about Super Member? How much is that? (Sorry if this is a little :offtopic: (I finally have a reason to use that smiley!)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awesome_Paul Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 (SM is 400 posts) I heard this joke awhile ago, Its good but not amazing Doctor Doctor, every time my doorbell rings, My dog runs to the corner. "what type of dog have you got" A Boxer Dog :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antiaircraft Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 :laughingsmiley: That's a good one! XD This isn't so much funny as stupid: "Crap, this game gets harder the more items you catch!" - quote attributed to AA, while playing Wicked Wocky Wobble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zerwey Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 I've got a few: Last Words “I’ll get a world record for this.†“It’s fireproof.†“He’s probably just hibernating.†“What does this button do?†“I’m making a citizen’s arrest.†“So, you’re a cannibal…†“It’s probably just a rash.†“Are you sure the power is off?†“Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?†“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!†“Pull the pin and count to what?†“Which wire was I supposed to cut?†“I wonder where the mother bear is?†“I’ve seen this done on TV.†“These are the good kind of mushrooms.†“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.†“Let it down slowly.†“Rat poison only kills rats.†“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.†“It’s strong enough for both of us.†“This doesn’t taste right.†“I can make this light before it changes.†“Nice doggie.†“I can do that with my eyes closed.†“I’ve done this before.†“Well, we’ve made it this far.†“That’s odd.†“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?†“Don’t be so superstitious.†“Now watch this…†“What duck?†************************************************************* A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. “Look,†he said, “let’s have a little game. I’ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t then you buy me one. OK?†“Ja, dat sounds purty good,†said the Norwegian. The Indian said, “My father and mother had one child. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my sister. Who was it?†The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, “I give up. Who vas it?†“It was ME,†chortled the Indian. So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies. “Sven,†he said, “I got a game. If you can answer a question, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?†“Fair enough,†said Sven. “Ok,†the Norwegian said, “My father and mudder had vun child. It vasn’t my brudder. It vasn’t my sister. Who vas it?†“Search me,†said Sven. “I give up, who vas it?â€The Norwegian burst out, “It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!†Note: I do not mean any offense to Norwegians in the above joke. ************************************************************ Is There A Santa? In the Late 1800s a little girl named Virginia asked the New York Times if there was a Santa Clause. The reply is now famous. Someone thought it would be fun to ask the scientists at NASA the same question. Here is their reply: No known species of reindeer can fly. But there ARE 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen. There are two billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn’t appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, which reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 138 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat snacks, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million houses are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa’s sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 mps. The average reindeer runs at 15 mph. The sleigh’s payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 TONS, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer†(see first paragraph) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the British liner Queen Elizabeth 2. 353,000 tons. Traveling at 650 miles per second creates an enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy… Per second… Each! In short, they will burst in flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,325,015 pounds of force. CONCLUSION: There was a Santa, but he’s dead now. SO, CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED - YOU HAD ALL BETTER GET BACK TO WORK!!!! *********************************************************** You can all find more jokes like this at my joke site: http://lloll.wordpress.com Yes, I'm a joke person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DOOM Bringer Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Lol zerwey those are some classic jokes, especially the Santa one. It's amazing what a bit of research can do :P EDIT: Nice website by the way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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