Im only 9 and please comment it. Tell me if you like it. ENJOY!!

 

 

His head jerked up as he ran for the house. His family was moving tomorrow, so he had to be packed up and ready to go. He looked up at it and saw that the pink, orange, and yellow were going into a darker shade and only about a fraction was left of the blazing sun. His head went back and forth as he started to wake himself up from half sleeping. ‘Just one more mile’ he thought in his head. The sun made him gag.

The sun was down and gone by the time he got home, and he only hadn’t even to start packing unless he could do it in two hours. He looked at his watch and sighed. He wanted to leave Arizona, but not all his friends. Tomorrow before he left, they had planned they were going to catch a concert of Punk band ‘Issali Punk Recito’, Which was an Italian punk band, who they thought were the most best band ever, or since they were in town everyday.

Michelle, Ryan’s younger sister, of course likes country and soft music so she put on the radio and whipped through the stations. She knew when to stop when she hears her favorite songs. She heard ‘Teardrops on my Guitar’ and she kept it there. But when Michelle left the room to help, Ryan changed it to 101.1 and mutters ‘Pest’ under his breath. Brushing his teeth, he flicked Michelle in the head. “Mommy, Daddy, Ryan flicked me!â€

“No I didn’t. I did no such thing!†They screamed .The telephone rung once and twice. It called again and Michelle screamed silently and Ryan answered it. “Hello…..â€

he whispered because none of his friends ever called this late at night. “Hey Ryan, may I speak to your mother?†A streak of excitement burst out from inside of him. “ Dad! Are you coming back from Alaska to come see us?!†Mom and my stepfather were just realizing that he was talking to his long-lost father. Real Father. “ Im afraid not son†Ryan silently sat down. “I can’t, Rachelle fell on her headâ€.

“RACHELLE!?!?!â€

Seems pretty good so far, but honestly speaking I need more plot to say much more. So far it interests me, so if you write any more be sure to post it. :)

For a nine year old, you really seem to have your act together when you write. What I mean is that this story seriously fascinated me and I actually feel like reading more of it if you continue writing. Great job and I expect great things from you.

Very well written, but the speech portions should have their respective descriptions/actions with them, and not lumped together. :evo:

For a nine year old, you really seem to have your act together when you write. What I mean is that this story seriously fascinated me and I actually feel like reading more of it if you continue writing. Great job and I expect great things from you.

^_^

Thanks a lot!

I changed some of it tho