My Tender Heart Is A Curse.... Or Is It?

[nightfall8705]

I know it seems like most of what I post is heartbreaking, and this is no exception. My tender heart is more of a curse than a blessing. Some would say that is what makes me human. I would say it just makes me more clinical morose than others. Sorry this is so long. Today has been tough for me...

 

To start: A good friend of mine... an older gentleman recently had a stroke and was hospitalized. Because of this decline in his own health, it was much harder for him to see his ailing wife (to which the hospital had no idea what caused her decline) and by chance today, I saw my friend in a very melancholic state, and instantly my heart broke for him before he could even muster up the voice to tell me that she had passed away this morning. To see him so hurt struck me cold. I already hate it when my friends and family hurt, but there was nothing anyone could do, and to see him hold back tears himself was so saddening to me.

 

Second: You all know about my cat Sydney, my best friend and baby, and my brother's cat, Sherbert, and how we're in an apartment where pets aren't allowed, but I have Sydney and Sherbert around anyway for my emotional reasons, and Sherbert ballooned to become bigger than Sydney and we all thought she had a bad case of worms, but really she was just having babies. She had 8 and we took care of them, and 5 of them had homes, but there were three left; an orange boy I named Gizmo because his ears made him look like a Mogwai from the 1980s movie Gremlins. There was another kitten who looked like a skunk, but I named her Onyx, and a third kitten who was calico, so I named her Cali.

 

Some friends of my brother were interested in Onyx and Cali but they never came forth. Nobody once ever claimed little Gizmo. Maybe it's because his little eyes watered too much. I took the time to wash his face every day because like his mom, his eyes would accumulate so much mucus that his eyes would be sealed shut. Cleaning his eyes, nose, and face carefully is what I did to make sure he could even open his pretty blue eyes.

 

Unfortunately for me, little Gizmo claimed me. All of these kittens were primarily taken care of by me. I held them gradually to get them used to human interaction. I fed them soft food once they started to nurse less. I even made a makeshift litter box for them, which they learned to use, especially Gizmo.

 

Gizmo bonded with me on his own. I was practically the first and only human they really knew. My brother or friend who is staying with us temporarily hardly messed with them. Gizmo learned to trust my scent...

 

And when he finally was able to get out of the big box these kittens were in, where did he go? To my bed (which is currently only a mattress on the floor in the living room, long story) and fell asleep. He would not stay in the box. Instead he would steal my pillow like Syd did as a kitten. He would sleep in the hollow of my back like a furry heating pad. He would fall asleep on my arm, on my teddy bears... last night, he even fell asleep after trying to play with my hair, cuddled up next to me.

 

And my God, I wanted to keep him. I wanted him so bad, but Sydney wasn't having it. She had already been acting out a bit, hissing and such. She knew she was my baby, and I didn't want her to think I was "replacing her with a newer model." I knew that even if I could have kept him, it would have been hard to take care of him. I love little Giz. He made me smile, and he truly was one of the most precious, sweetest kittens.

 

Because they were getting harder to hide, and harder to keep taking care of, and also since no one got back with us about homes, I had to make the decision to take Gizmo, Onyx, and Cali to the animal shelter. I washed their little faces one last time, took a final picture, and said my goodbyes. My friend took me to the shelter where I just had to sign a paper and they took the kittens away.

 

I know in my heart I did the right thing. Their eyes can get better treated, and they can get adopted to good homes, but it broke my heart to let Gizmo go. I saw a sign on the way home that said "don't throw it away." I have no idea what the sign was about, but that just made me cry. I had a talk with little Gizmo, and I know he's just a cat, but I don't get how people say cats are stupid and how animals have no souls. How can something with no soul have feelings, especially love for their owners?

 

I told little Gizmo that I wanted to keep him so bad, but that I couldn't. I told him I hope he could somehow understand how hard it was for me to give him up. I told him that I hope he doesn't think I didn't want him or just abandoned him. I told him I didn't want his first and only experience with a human being to be traumatic and negative. He trusted me and loved me. He wrapped his little paws around my finger, and I told him I was sorry and that I hope he didn't hate me or humans. I said I never wanted him or his siblings to know what a cage or separation was like, but that it was a part of life, and he could be better treated and have a better chance at a home that would be blessed to have him, and have owners who would love him and take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care of.

 

And with tears in my eyes, I said goodbye, and that I loved him, and hoped that somehow he could forgive me for letting him go.

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

So here I am now, tears everywhere, pieces of my heart everywhere... I feel guilty, even though I did all I could. My tender heart... the one that cares for people and animals more than the usual, broken, strowed around like debris from yesterday's trash.

 

To quote Sharon den Adel "The curse of awareness... there's no peace of mind."

 

I know it's normal to feel sad after today's events. But how much is too much? Being a clinically depressed empath doesn't help either...

 

But I can't help but think that it's not just the humanity in me that's shown through the sorrow of today, but it's also the compassion. One of the things a lot of people lack nowadays.

 

Maybe a tender heart isn't a curse after all?

 

What do you all think? Thanks for reading. xx

[kaybee92]

I am so sorry that you had to go through that, but you did the right thing. Sometimes, you have to be kind to yourself - and this kindness includes knowing when you've taken on too big of a task and accepting that you need help. It doesn't feel like kindness, I know, but it's honestly the best thing you could have done for them. You've managed to socialize them early on and they'll probably grow up to be nice, well-adjusted cats and find good homes.

[nightfall8705]

I can only hope that they find good homes. I don't want them to spend most of their lives in cages, just waiting for somebody to love them. I think that's the hardest part. It's better than being on the street or in a place where they are truly unwanted, but still, it's no way to live and be happy. Being a pet shouldn't warrant being prisoner in cages because there's nowhere for them to go.

 

I wish I could have spent more time with little Gizmo, but I have pictures of him and memories of him and his siblings. I know there's a bright future for him and the others. That's what keeps me going. :)

[minniemeggie]

Angel, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You know you did the right thing and I know it's hard to see that but as a foster mother for the local animal shelter, I know it can be very difficult to give away a pet you have grown to love. I'm a bottle feeder meaning I get kittens and puppies before they were ready to be weened of their mother that had the unfortunate happenings to somehow wind up alone. Sometimes I have an animal for months, I name them, take them to the vet, get them fixed and feed them. The longer they are "mine" the harder it is for me to give them up.

 

Never look at your emotions as a bad thing and approach each situation as an experience to make you stronger and more able to handle life's many obstacles.

[dawnshine]

Reading this definitely made my eyes water. As an animal lover and someone who takes in strays of all forms, I can connect with this story a lot. Growing up and moving a lot, my cat was always having to be hidden. I remember even putting her in my purse and sneaking her in a hotel once. It was constant fear of getting caught and facing consequences (like having to give her away) I got lucky and was able to keep her by my side her entire life- she finally passed away a year or so ago, at a very ripe, old age. She lived 15 years of my life with me.

 

Nowadays, I am blessed to have a house in the country to myself and whatever animals show up on my doorstep. Maybe one day you will have your own little haven for displaced animals.

 

As for the guilt, you've done so much for that little kitten's life, I wouldn't fret. He is going to get adopted into a loving, wonderful home. Because he's a kitten and everyone loves a kitten. :3 They have souls in my opinion. I live with my two dogs, and we spend almost 100% of our time alone. I enjoy it. They have so many human qualities, I wouldn't trade them for people any day. They're my best friends.

 

Having a tender heart is not a curse. Sometimes it can be perceived as weakness, but those people have a very skewed definition of what it is to truly be strong.

[nightfall8705]

Thank you Kaybee, Meg, and Hailey! You all are right. It's just been an emotional day yesterday. I am feeling better. Syd has been cheering me up like you all have! Today was better so far, but my tender heart struck again. I think I even made a new friend.

 

I wrote a post about it. :)