She Took the Broom Puns with Her

[Midtime]

 

Hello and welcome everybody! Another exciting day of competition has ended and I think our headline writer will be pleased with the results. First off, I hand the report over to Hanna who will give us the results from the Alabriss Bracket.

 

Thanks Matt! Four score and seven minutes ago the Medieval members of Meridell displayed their true potential against Maraqua today. Even though both teams have been severely lacking in the win department, Meridell seemed determined to make a name for themselves this year. Maraqua has lost a majority of their games, but their morale seems unaffected by this losing streak, and they continue to give it their all in every match. Fans claim that it's not their strategy or form that is causing the disappointing results, but that followers of the Haunted Woods have actually cursed their beloved team after tying with them last year.

 

Maraqua fans aren't the only group with wild conspiracy theories, after talking with protesters outside of the stadium, some seem to think that the Haunted Woods' winning streak is not so much a result of the hard work and dedication we've witnessed before this year's cup, but more due to the hexes placed on every team they face. Before getting chased away by security guards, I managed to record what one had to say.

 

Protester: “THE CUP IS FIXED! GO HOME, EVERYONE!”

 

Are these claims even remotely possible? Of course not! It does leave us wondering, however, how people manage to think up such crazy ideas.

 

Luckily for most of the audience, the protester's screams were muffled by the cheers of the crowd as the Haunted Woods took yet another win against Faerieland.

 

 

With a minute left to go in Slushie Slinger, and the score resting at four to one, Tyrannia was certain they'd take another sweep today. Letting their guard down wasn't the greatest decision, they'd soon come to find, as Roo Island slung in four more points before the clock hit zero; taking in one win for the day. As a Tyrannian myself, you'd think I'd be disappointed by the loss, but the look on their barbaric faces as the final whistle blowed was quite the sight to see. Overall, the team seems quite content resting in fourth place in the overall standings. It is no doubt that Tyrannia has improved greatly since drafting Mor Gollog as their goalkeeper. Now over to Matt for the remaining results.

Thanks, Hanna! The Minitheus and Vaeolus Brackets returned to being sweep central today - I guess we can use those broom puns our lovely headline writer has conjured up for us today! If only we could find her. After she stormed out of the studio last night, we haven't been able to contact her. We're losing staff members left and right. I'm sure we'll come up with something interesting. We don't need her, right? Yes? Somebody please answer me so that I know I'm not going crazy! WHERE HAS MY CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF AUSTIN GONE? I'M LONELY AGAIN!

 

Ahem. I'm sorry, just a tiny little outburst. Won't happen again. Let's just get to the results from the Minitheus Bracket.

 

Our front runner for the podium has pulled off another sweep yet again! This time the Pirates were crushed under the Robots' might - their lack of substantial defence was a critical weakness. The Robots, happy with their performance today and their position both in the bracket and on the overall leaderboard, will be looking forward to today's game. The prospect of another sweep already has them motivated. However, it is worth noting that Virtupets' scores are significantly lower than what Moltara and the Haunted Woods, the other two front runners, have been putting up. They'll have to be conscious of that when they face each other.

 

The Suns didn't have any chance to shine today, as the Kikos took complete control of today's match. The Kiko's superb Yooyu handling skills allowed them to take the wins in Yooyuball and Shootout Showdown, while those small but nimble hands allowed them to produce a higher quantity of slushies than the Altadorians. Kiko Lake supporters cheered their hearts out today, while Altador fans were few and far between, handing the win over to the Kikos. The fans of Altador must've been partying too much after their three-day Slushie Slinger streak. Altador will also have a tough time today against Krawk Island, but the Pirates themselves haven't been performing at the best of their ability this season, so it'll be interesting to see what'll happen.

 

For our last matchup of the Minitheus Bracket we had Lost Desert and Brightvale face off today. Brightvale dominated the match right from the beginning, as they had possession of the Yooyu for most of the game. Their control of the Yooyu was impeccable as they put immense pressure on the Mummies. The Mummies eventually cracked, and the match ended at a score of 6-4. That's the way the cookies crumble. The Wizards also took Make Some Noise and Shootout Showdown from the Mummies. Lost Desert retaliated in the slushie tents, slinging slushies like nobody's business, and stealing the win in that game.

 

Now, that wraps up the Minitheus Bracket. Next up the Vaeolus Bracket, which I'll hopefully get through quickly so I can find my Austin.

 

Polar opposites Terror Mountain and Moltara clashed on the Yooyuball field today, and it was clear who the dominant team was today. The Chillers couldn't handle the intensity of the Magmas. If the two teams were in this situation last year, the outcome would've been immensely different. It seems as if the two teams have flipped positions completely! Nonetheless, the past is in the past, and we have to focus on the present, in which the Chillers have been swept by Moltara. Moltara still retains a nearly perfect record this season, and that is very unlikely to change unless they happen to come across the two other big teams, which is'nt going to happen any time soon, considering all three are in different brackets.

 

The Ninjas and the Moons faced off against each other today. The Moons, who are currently third in the bracket, showed excellent Yooyu handling skills today, dominating the match against the Ninjas on and off the field. Both teams had fans cheering at their maximum today, but the Moons' fans cheered a few decibels higher than the Ninjas, netting them the win. Kreludor managed to take all of the remaining games, not allowing the Ninjas to sneak in and snag even one.

 

The rematch between Mystery Island and Darigan Citadel occurred today, and the Natives were determined to finish what they started. After their draw in Make Some Noise and a loss in Shootout Showdown the day before, the Natives knew what they had to accomplish today, and they did just that. Mystery Island swept Darigan Citadel today in a series of games the Minions aren't likely to forget anytime soon. Hopefully this match will serve as a wake-up call for the Minions, as they face an even tougher opponent today. The Moons will be trying to mimic the Natives' success, hoping they can overtake Darigan Citadel, which is currently second in the Vaeolus Bracket.

 

The match between the Minions and the Moons will be the one to watch today. With the stinging feeling of defeat still lingering in their minds and with the Moons coming off their sweep feeling refreshed, this'll be one for the books. From an analytic viewpoint, Kreludor looks poised to take this match, based on the scores they've been putting up recently. The Minions will have to work harder and surpass their consistent 5s if they want to defeat the Moons. That's it for today! Matt here signing-

 

[The broadcast is cut off by a burst of static. A shadowy figure appears in the static, which slowly clears to reveal Brooke, dressed in black sneaky-type-clothing, and holding Austin's mustache in her clenched fist.]

 

I confess! I am the one responsible for the disappearance of the cardboard cutout! I just couldn't take it anymore, Matt. The eyes kept watching me... judging me. I know I haven't been playing as hard for my team as I could be, but I've been busy! You think I don't know that, you uncanny and terrifying version of Austin? You think you're better than me?

 

*ahem* Anyway. I went and shoved it in a broom cupboard. Can't remember which one, to be honest. I just didn't want it looking at me anymore. But I feel sort of bad about stealing it, so... if you want it back, you'll just have to figure out what I did with the key. Good luck with that.

 

[Brooke grins mysteriously, then fades back into static. The static cuts to black, before cutting back to a view of Matt in the studio.]

 

[Matt quickly jumps out of his seat, presumably rushing to find Brooke to obtain the hidden key. Shouting can be heard occasionally, and a faint but menacing "Got you now!" can be heard before the camera cuts to static...]

 

 

Obligatory disclaimer: This news report was written to inform you all of the latest Altador Cup results in as entertaining a manner as possible. The rest of its content is largely fictional, composed from various fan comments and the whims of our imagination in an attempt to inspire a sense of realism through our reporting. While we do our best to keep things reasonably neutral, this report is in no way intended to be a completely bias-free listing of the day's results, nor does it claim to provide critical analysis of past and potential outcomes from qualified Altador Cup experts. Please note that the opinions formulated in this report are from a full team of different reporters, and in no way represent the views of only a single faction. If you're looking for 100% unbiased performance data, take a look at our standings page. If professional analysis tickles your fancy, you want our predictions pages (global/daily).