Bubbleline Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 TDN has helped a lot when I've wanted to vent in the past, so here I am again. When I was younger I had a friend that I was really close to. I thought she was my best friend which is why when I found out I was moving I told her and we promised to stay in touch and visit each other and all that jazz. Well, I called her on the day I was moving which just so happened to be Christmas, and she didn't pick up. No big deal, it was Christmas, she was probably preoccupied with family and such. I called her again after I had settled and still no answer. At some point in time she had also poofed from my FB list. After a year with no contact and no clue, I pronounced her gone. Welp, as a random urge at 5am tonight, I decided to look her up again. After some shock, doubt, and disbelief I found her. And she’s still fb friends with MY best friend that I introduced her to but not me, even though I've been looking for her and just...ugh. And she’s so grown and mature and apparently married and and i have no clue what's going on (and either my information warped or she is married to a woman?)?! She got a completely different, exciting looking life and I wanna talkto her, but I don’t wanna talk to her because maybe she wondered where i poofed to or maybe she purposely stopped talking to me. Even if it’s the former, I feel like I don’t wanna talk to her simply because I haven’t done anything really exciting and amazing with my life. I’m not the same person she knew and she’s not the same person I knew and I think it would hurt more to find out that we would no longer be compatible as friends (or worse and she thinks I'm some sort of weird loser failure.). To clarify, the only reason that I’m thrown off with her possibly being married to a woman is because back when I knew her we were both repulsed at the thought of even being accused of being gay and liking girls. To find out the I wasn’t the only one that went through an ‘awakening’ of sorts with my sexuality would blow my mind and also make me regret not being around her during that. We were so freaked out about our sexualities and I know that a lot of my ‘repulsion’ and ‘disgust’ was played up/feigned because I was confused and knew that being gay was wrong and sinful and disgusting (you were either gay or straight. no inbetween. my older friend taught me that bisexuality didnt exist and just meant you were a 'loose woman' to be PG about it.) To find out that maybe she was going through that too?! Uggggh. And how would she react to my feminism? Would she be one of ‘those people’ and groan and roll her eyes? Would she be like my current friends and know little to nothing about it and just bombard me with questions and stereotypes? What if she’s also feminist and is pro-lgbtq and body positive and all that jazz? I guess I’ll never know because my chest is too busy exploding for me to work up the guts to contact her. I feel so confused and upset and disappointed right now. That is all. Tl;dr- facebook once again ruins everything. I think ignorance would've been bliss in this case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nimphal Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Just to make one thing clear, if it says she is married to somebody, it might be they are just best best friends. I have a friend that listed me and a couple of her other female friends as being married to her, regardless that most of us were in another relationship with guys and she is heterosexual :D Also, my advice would be (mostly because I am very direct in real life) is to approach her with 'hey, long time no see, how have things been'. Better than torturing yourself with all these questions :) karmacow 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubbleline Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Just to make one thing clear, if it says she is married to somebody, it might be they are just best best friends. I have a friend that listed me and a couple of her other female friends as being married to her, regardless that most of us were in another relationship with guys and she is heterosexual :D Also, my advice would be (mostly because I am very direct in real life) is to approach her with 'hey, long time no see, how have things been'. Better than torturing yourself with all these questions :) Well, she is seriously married and from the way she talks and the pictures and such she has, it seems as though her partner is a woman. But yea, no doubt about her being actually married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca~ Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Unfortunately, this is what happens with friendships as you grow and mature. People change, and drift apart (or in some cases they don't drift, but one person (or both) push their boats as far away from each other as possible). I have a number of friendships like that- one woman that I had cut ties with in highschool contacted me in the fall. It was weird at first, but it was also nice to know that there were no grudges on either end- I was kind of surprised that I could talk to her without feeling angry (it was a veeeeery bad break). The reason for her not wanting to contact you (avoiding your phone calls/deleting you from facebook) may be because of how repulsed towards queer sexualities you both acted. She may have thought that you were serious, and wouldn't accept her if she came out, and thought it would be easier to cut ties before that happened (god knows that someone rejecting you because you are queer is one of the most difficult things there is to deal with!). If I were you, I would facebook message her ONCE. Tell her that you've been thinking about her a bit, and decided to see what she was doing. Congratulate her on her marriage, tell her that you're glad she's happy and found someone. Don't start feelingsmail her. Don't blurb out that you're hurt that she cut ties. Keep it light. If she chooses to respond, you can try to build up to asking why that happened- but she doesn't really owe an explanation to you. If she doesn't respond to your message, that's it. Don't try to contact her again. No answer IS an answer- by not responding she is saying that she's moved on. It sucks, and it will probably hurt, but it will be better with time. You can try to move on too. You had a great friendship, but you're both very different people than you were. It'll be difficult and awkward, yeah, but you may have the chance to rekindle your friendship- or just get some answers. Zombiiesque and karmacow 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zombiiesque Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I think Rebecca's given you about the best advice that could be given - but I want to say that I know it's hard to a. Work up the courage to mail her in the first place and B. Deal with the thought that you may not ever get closure from this. Unfortunately, I've been in that position a lot in my life, where I've lost friends and really didn't know why. It hurts, but the only thing left to do is move on, if you get no answer. But just maybe you will get one, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystalline Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 My situation is not quite the same as yours, but I recently contacted a high school friend that I haven't spoken to in almost 7 years (eep!). To keep it brief, I was a bit of an antisocial jerk in high school and expected basically no one who knew me then to ever want to speak to me again (and understandably so). It was terrifying for me to work up the courage to do so, but as another friend of mine advised me, "What have you got to lose?" Hopefully(!) she will want to renew contact, but even a "no" or a non-response is a type of closure. It will hurt and you won't like it, but having an answer will give you a position to move forward from. As for your friend being possibly queer: from my experience, the people with the strongest reactions to something (such as even the hint of liking other girls) are the ones who are thinking about it constantly. That fascination can be either intense love or intense hate, but it's not totally impossible for someone to "flip," as it were. You can't awaken to queerness if you're not aware of it. (Caveat: Feel free to disagree.) Maybe this is just the people I know, but the types of people who are very obviously straight tend to react with a naive "Oh, I didn't know people did that!" sort of reaction. Anyway, I also agree with pretty much everything Rebecca said. I wish you the best, and I agree that Facebook is a pain in the butt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubbleline Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Thanks for the advice but I'm almost positive that I won't talk to her. I just needed to vent a bit :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassine Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I'm sorry, I know that stinks. I lost my cousin/best friend in a similar fashion (minus the marriage part) and the only way to make it any better is to vent. I'm terribly sorry for your loss and hope you gain many wonderful, life-long friends ^ ^ Bubbleline 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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