NT Times Submission Feedback

[alex0ne]

Hello! Not sure which board to put this in, so please pardon me.

Okay, I just got my third NT rejection letter, this time for having 'too many grammatical mistakes'. The thing is, I've read over it again and again and can't seem to point out these mistakes. I'd really appreciate it if any of you help me with this and maybe give me some feedback? :) Please? Thank you!

[Koralis]

Do you have a link to your article or something? I enjoy editing lol, so I'd take a look at it for you :)

[alex0ne]

It's actually a short story :D This is the only place I have it posted: http://mar4quan.tumblr.com/projects Thank you!

[andaraen]

I've not read the whole thing yet, but the thing that pops out for me is how you mix past and present tense. Pick one or the other and stick to it.

[lilshadowdweller]

Hey,

 

So, I reviewed your story. I want to say that you have the potential to be a great writer, but you do need to grasp your past/present tenses firstly. I made some alterations based around this - try to just stick to one tense. I made your story all past tense. Also, I notice that you like to use "flowery" language - or more commonly, "big" words. They are beautiful and add a sense of maturity, but in this story, they just seem out of place. I used to do the same thing as you, thinking my writing would appear better. It doesn't work. It just annoys the audience.

 

And I promise you that I can be trusted on, at least a bit, as I've made it into the Times once already. (You can check the trophy out on my user look-up.)

 

I have a lot of trouble with grammar too, trust me! So this was good practise. So, review the alterations I made (I bolded most, but some words I deleted and there's no indictation.) Again, I AM NOT PERFECT AND I'm sure I have missed something. So hopefully someone can double check me. :)

 

Also, I hadn't done a spell check, so please, review your spelling. :) I'm too tired right now. xD One more thing: You forget to put capitals on Titles. Any time you mention a Neopet species, make sure you captilize their specie's name!

 

 

 

----

 

"Gather around, my darlings!” A middle-aged green Acara named Myrtle boomed.

 

She paced back and forth until almost all of us orphans were in sight and had our full attention on her.

 

With a glee-filled face, Myrtle lead us to the other side of the neatly-kept building. Once we reached a pink-painted door, she turned, and with great enthusiasm exclaimed; “It’s Friday, which means..?”

 

Several little faces lit up with avidity due to the realization of what the day has in for them. It was Fun Friday, the time of the week reserved for interactive games, discussions, contests and other forms of entertainment.

 

Although most of the things listed were everyday practices for us, we considered Friday to be more ‘official’.

 

As the ever-so-lively Myrtle accompanied us in, I saw her face light up with a memory.

 

She was probably reminiscing of the time when it was her being guided to the very same room for the same purpose. She has told us her story a hundred times. During her time here, the warmth of the staff had brought her the greatest relief. The staff had been very indifferent. They had provided her with what she lacked and found her a new home. Luckily, her owner was a nice young girl who had dreams of helping unfortunate Neopians. It was due to her owner, and Myrtle’s own personal experiences, that working in the Neopian Adoption Agency became her one true calling.

 

To open up the day’s itinerary, one of the older staff, TiffX, (a pretty pink Ixi), proposed a toast to the new orphans and to the old ones for being able to stay courageous despite their laborious circumstances. Nothing but kind words came out of the amiable being, making everyone feel appreciated.

 

Well, not quite everyone.

 

 

Not me, at least.

 

******

My filed name is XxR3hz0rsx_ . Ever since I was abandoned, I went by the pseudonym, ‘Razor’, as it’s the nearest I can decipher the name I had. My friends consider me to be a highly introverted yellow Bori. I barely share my thoughts with anyone, but I guess this is apparent to because I’m deeply pained. I am pained because of many things (Rayna'a note: why list "several" when you don't actually list several?); like my abandonment, a matter that is not very insignificant with fellow orphans, the fact that I’m the pet to have stayed here the longest, and my name.

 

Ah, my name.

 

In my perspective, to have a name means to have an existence. It’s a simple acknowledgement that you’re an individual being in this complicated world. At times, I feel as if everyone is defining my character due to my name.

 

A beautiful name equates to a beautiful life. Other pets would look at you with a level of respect for sharing a King’s name. Having a name that barely sounds like a mumble, in contrast, would cause them to turn their heads away.

 

But of course she didn’t know that. She didn’t care. She did not even consider that the sign of me being here consisted of a string of incoherent characters. She ‘blessed’ me with such a disgusting alias. My name is the one reason she abandoned me. As she battled with her own emotions in the front of the Neopian Pound, I heard the reasons that drove her to leave a fearful Bori.

 

“Oh, you’re likely to be an alpha pet, but that name is hopeless. I didn’t think it through when I christened you. Well, it’s too late to be saying this now. Oops."

 

That was months ago. Three seasons have passed, and it’d only be a matter of days before I spend my birthday here. I haven’t had any luck of attracting a new owner. I’ve watched friends come and go with their new families, and I’d be lying if I say that’s not one of my biggest dreams. The probability of me making it on my own was pretty low at the time, since I was young, had no credibility, and all in all, I was seemingly unimpressive.

 

My name is just one of the unimpressive things about me.

 

My name is one of the reasons I’m still stuck in this melancholic place. It is the reason as to why no one would take me in and give me a chance to prove I’m actually worth something.

 

Oh, the things I’d do if I had my own home. Maybe I could freely visit Faerieland with a loving owner, take a tour in the Mystery Island or listen to my favourite band, Sticks N Stones, in Tyrannia? Stories about adventures and fun in those locations have most certainly reached this place, from people walking by to visitors. They would animatedly talk about how gorgeous these places are, and I would listen with intent for their vivid descriptions. It’s as though being there is just a daydream away.

 

I just want to have a loving family.

 

 

But I can’t.

******

JULY 20TH

 

A new day began. The Adoption Agency welcomed three new pets last night, with an inclusion of two red Peophins who were shyly eating soup in the kitchen when I woke up, and a green kiko, busy with the other pets in the playground. Owners came and went throughout the day, scouting for a new addition in their family. A few lucky pets were successfully adopted by owners. Some of those pets who had been here for nearly a week, and some who had been for months. The bitterness of not being chosen has been creeping all over me, but those pets deserved a new home. Each and every one of us do. But it’s just not my time. Not yet.

 

Look at those hopefuls. They think someone would immediately adopt them. That blue Kacheek definitely won’t as his name is unpronounceable and he’s really scrawny. He wouldn’t stand a chance in the battledome. No one would want that. They would just assume he’ll be a waste of space. MaryGold, the yellow Ogrin, stands a chance however. Her name speaks of glory and smells of flowers.

 

 

Why can’t I have that?

******

Owners, carers, trainers- whatever you prefer to call them, are the most awaited visitors in this agency. They have many reasons for coming in here. Some wish to get a new pet to train for the battledome, hone into a pop star, educate to be a genius, dress up to be beautiful or just take in for a chance to be what they want. Some of their reasons are very sincere and beneficial for us - the homeless and unwanted. And I am thankful for the existence of those people. Not even for myself, but for those who have been lucky enough to be taken in by them.

 

The only tickets out of here include an impressive color, promising strength or intelligence, and yes - a name of a champion.

I have none of that. My IQ is on par with most notable pets, how would they know? They never bothered to do a double take, as my name reeks of failure.

 

How do I make an impression?

 

How do I show them I’m worth it?

 

 

How?

******

JULY 27TH

 

It’s finally my birthday!The other orphans had prepared a little celebration for me, with the permission and help of Myrtle and the agency manager, Mariel the Pink Uni. She loves everyone, though she may come across as stern to new orphans. I believe she just want everything to be in place. The same way as I want myself to be in the appropriate place, which is in a warm, nice Neopian home.

 

That’s exactly what I’m wishing for today;

 

a new life, with a new family, in a new home.

******

 

3.00PM NST

 

“HEADS UP!”

 

I ducked right on time, avoiding the red ball going fast towards me.

 

The green Kiko from last week approached me with panic and caution. I found it interesting that he was still here.

 

“Are you alright? Pardon me, I hit the ball too hard in the, er, wrong direction,” He apologized, wrapping his stubby arms around me.

 

I flashed back a heart-felt smile, as he seemed nice.

 

“All’s good, just be careful next time!”

 

This prompted a chuckle from him. He briefly introduced himself, Jecho. We initiated small talk and he greeted me with a happy birthday before heading back to his group.

 

 

As I pondered the reason on why a pet like him was stuck here, I heared someone call for me

 

Myrtle ran to me, filled with excitement, encapsulating (Rayna note: Encapsulating is sort of a long word, perhaps use a different one? It's not incorrect, it's just kind of out of place.) me in a big hug.

 

“Oh, Razor, you have to come with me, now! Don’t ask!”

 

 

And that’s what I did.

******

3.15PM NST

 

Myrtle dragged me with such passion through to the adoption desk. I wondered why she was so rushed. Could it be..?

 

From what I could see, Mariel was chatting to a nice-looking young boy. He appeared sharp, with his square-framed glasses and outgoing style. One look and you’d know he’s the quiet but approachable kind. He acknowledges my gaze and greets me with a shy smile, which I return back.

 

Mariel turned to me and held me, “Razor, I’d like you to meet Ken. He’s here looking to adopt a pet. He wants you to be his friend.”

 

I was speechless.

 

“Do you know my real name?” I finally ask.

 

He nods.

 

My heart stops.

 

“Why do you want me as a friend then? There’s a lot of other pets in there that are more.. noticeable.”

 

Ken puts on a thoughtful face, and answers, “The ladies have really been talking you up. I know a little bit of your story. I heard you like Sticks N Stones? I like them too. And just now, even though you have the opportunity of being adopted, you humbled yourself down and implied you’re not a very impressive pet. It takes a brave Bori to do that”.

 

Mariel and Myrtle started tearing up because of his words, and I must admit my emotions were slowly consuming me. But I straightened up my act.

 

“You really think so?” I had feared that this was all just a big joke.

 

That time, Ken laughed.

 

“Yes! It’s amusing that you doubt yourself. I think you’re pretty cool.”

 

He called me ‘pretty cool’. That was the best compliment anyone had ever given me.

 

I joined in his laughter until the two ladies jumped in as well. After composing herself, Mariel went on the formal adoption process. Ken interviewed me a little bit and I answered all his queries earnestly. We really shared a few interests, which made getting along a lot easier.

 

“Razor, I don’t really mind your name. It’s just for documentation. It doesn’t really matter. I will help you become anything you want. You can be called anything you prefer. I can even call you ‘Lord Razor’ if that’s what floats your boat.” He joked as a response to my earlier qualms about my name being a bad feature.

 

That guy deserved a hug from me, and that’s what I gave him.

 

Before saying my goodbyes to my orphan friends, I had to confirm just one last thing.

 

“Ken, I don’t want to be your friend.”

 

He looked aghast upon hearing my statement. I even heard him gasp.

 

“I can’t be your friend. I-I want to be a part of your family.”

 

The tension in the air relaxed as he heard the rest of my final conditions. He did another one of the Shy Ken smiles which I was starting to get used to.

 

“But of course, Razor. If that’s what you really want.”

[alex0ne]

Hey andaraen and lilshadowdweller! Thank you so much for that! I'll try to familiarize myself with tenses more. *sighs* I really appreciate the help! At least now I know what I can definitely work on.