Short Story I Wrote

[khaos]

I wrote a story. I just want to see what improvements I could make, by you TDNFers helping me! I need this for English class. :/

 

 

In the small town of Methuselah, named after the Biblical person, there was chaos amok. The ruler, Xerxes, was a psychopathic outlaw from another country. I wanted to end this chaos, by putting an end to him.

I’m Elijah. I’m 16. I wanted to end all the chaos that Xerxes is causing. Whenever someone disobeys one of his rules, he persecutes them immediately. He even killed one of his soldiers because he was “in the way.” Everyone in this town is practically his slave.

I went to my friend Caleb’s house to tell him what I was planning.

“You really want to do that? I mean, I’m with you, but you’ll probably die,” said Caleb.

“I want to give it a shot. Are you up for it?” I replied.

“Wait, me? Hm… I’m up for an adventure of a sort,” he said.

We went to my house to pick up a shotgun, knowing that it was now or never. We each got one. We went the 5 mile walk to Xerxes’s Castle. Caleb looked nervous, but I calmed him down.

“All right, are you ready, Caleb?” I said.

“Yep. Let’s go.”

Caleb and I stepped into the castle, but a guard stopped us.

“I’m sorry, only those with permission may enter the castle.”

Caleb put up his gun and shot him. Apparently, everyone in the castle heard the gunshot. Three more guards came out.

“Whoa, Elijah, watch out!” he screamed. He shot a bullet and hit a guard. I shot a few times and killed the rest.

We panted knowing that we escaped death.

“That was close,” I said.

“And then some,” he replied.

“All right, we don’t have time to waste. Let’s go!” I exclaimed.

We walked a little forward and headed up some stairs. There were a lot of doors in the room we entered, but we just decided to keep moving forward. We walked in a door, and there was a table stretching out with people having a meal.

“They are the ones. Seize them!!” the man at the end of the table shouted.

“Get your guard up,” I said to Caleb. Two men came rushing at us and tried to hit us. We dodged and pinned them against the wall.

“We won’t hurt you if you let us alone. We only are after Xerxes,” I said to them.

“Xerxes? Never will you reach him!” he replied. He kicked me back and I hit him in the face with the gun. The other man and the guests stared blankly. I shot the man and the other men and women left us alone. We left the room, and went up another flight of stairs.

We reached a room with a huge door in the front. I tried to open it, but it was locked. I shot through the key hole and heard a scream.

The door was opened by Xerxes. I had shot a guard.

“Children? What do you want?!” he said.

I put up my gun and pointed it at him. Caleb looked scared.

“You… little…” Xerxes grabbed my gun and through it at Caleb, and it fell down the flight of stairs that we had gone up. He did the same with Caleb after punching him.

“It doesn’t matter what you do here. I’m blowing it up anyway!” he said, laughing psychopathically. He had a bomb in his hand.

“Wait, stop!!” Caleb and I yelled. Xerxes ran to the window and threw the bomb. Caleb and I ran down the stairs to get our guns. Then… the explosion happened.

“AAARGH!!”

I awoke to find myself bleeding in various places. The surroundings were all dirt, stones, and fallen trees.

“Caleb, hey, wake up!” Caleb opened his eyes and looked tired. As he looked around, he got up and was frozen in place.

“Hey, is that Xerxes?” he pointed to a fallen Xerxes lying unconscious on the floor.

“Where’s my gun? I can end this now,” I said to Caleb. I saw my gun just barely sticking out of the barren ground. I also saw people lying everywhere in the distance.

When I got back to where Caleb was, he was unconscious again on the floor, with Xerxes looking down on him. He pointed his gun at me. I dropped my gun, and stared blankly.

“Welcome… to the Ruins… Of Xerxes!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

 

What improvements could I make?

Oh yeah, guidelines of the story.

-Dystopian Story (there's a lot of chaos and war and stuff)

-No bad content

-2 - 4 pages

[zeldafable_rebel]

It seems pretty good, but I have a few suggestions - DISCLAIMER: I am no expert and these are just my opinions and it seems great without all this. You can write well in my opinion, and it was a good read, but my nitpicky comments must be made... hopefully to help you and not hurt. XD here I go =)

 

In the first two or three paragraphs, you use the word "chaos" three times. The first two times are justified, because repition had a purpose there, but in the next paragraph, the word seemed a bit overused. Chaos is simply a really artistic word, so using it so many times really caught my attention and drove my mind away from the story you were trying to tell.

 

Perhaps also work on transitions between phases of the story. or instance, when you wrote

"Everyone in this town is practically his slave.

I went to my friend Caleb’s house to tell him what I was planning.

“You really want to do that? I mean, I’m with you, but you’ll probably die,” said Caleb"

It seemed a bit choppy because you (sorry if I'm impeding a little here on your story) jumped around a bit. Now, cutting directly from one scene to another is quite useful in writing (thank goodness you didn't have to type up the whole conversation where Elijah told Caleb of his plan), but doing it frequently and in succession directs attention away from the story and puts it on trying to figure out what just happened.

Maybe just add a brief synopsis of what just occured between the sentences, such as:

"I went to my friend Caleb's house to tell him what I was planning.

When I had told him my plan, he made a contemplative face.

"You really wan to do that?..."

[i really hope I'm explaining this well.]

 

Also, maybe try to use different verbs for "said." Maybe throw in an "exclaimed" or "worried" or "shouted" somewhere?

 

Otherwise, it was great plot, great dialogue, and a good intro.

Oh, and one last thing! The sentence:

"“You… little…” Xerxes grabbed my gun and through it at Caleb, and it fell down the flight of stairs that we had gone up"

"through" should be "threw" and I wasn't sure whether "it" was supposed to be the gun or Caleb that fell down the stairs...

 

 

AND I LOVED THE ENDING!!! You're writing more of it, yes?

[Sweetdang]

And here is me, being awesome, I will post the ones with no quoted stuff here, but I will message tou the proper one, you should read that one, and not this. :)

 

Still, I'll post it.

 

 

First let me warn you that I write, and therefore I read other’s writing, and I do crit. Harsh crit. Please though, don’t feel insulted or whatever. The best come out from the best crits. :) Since this is for English class, I will be.. harsh. .Here I go! :)

 

 

In brackets in the quotes are the bits I’ll be touching on. <> and everything in between are afterthoughts, or stuff I added after reading through it multiple times. Italics are things I’ve changed/ edited. And NOW I’ll start. :)

 

QUOTE: In the small town of Methuselah, ((named after the Biblical person)), there was chaos amok. The ruler, Xerxes, was a ((psychopathic outlaw from another country.)) ((I wanted to end this chaos, by putting an end to him.)) ~End of Quote~

 

Well, I’ve only read the first para, and already I’m confused. Named after a biblical person is not needed at all, I feel. People don’t need to know that, unless it somehow links up to the rest of the story. That, or it it’s a comedy. It’ll fit into a comedy, even if it’s not funny, it’s just the feel. I haven’t finished reading the whole thing, so I won’t say too much about this, first! But unless the whole thing is an allegory to the bible, then I don’t think you need to say that. In fact, even if it IS an allegory, it should be obvious by names, and actions, you shouldn’t need to state it. (Think “Animal Farm”, George Orwell never even once mentioned the Russian revolution, not in words, did he?) <It’s not a comedy. I would suggest scrap that.>

 

Okay, this intrigues and confuses me! And makes me think that it’s meant to be a comedy. Lemme ask: firstly, why is he ruling a country that he doesn’t come from? Secondly, he’s a psychopathic outlaw! That is… kind of weird (would you let a psychopathic outlaw be your ruler?) but it’s intriguing, and intriguing is good. <Btw, I returned here after reading the story. Psychopathic fits perfectly.>

 

I feel this would have more effect if repetition is put into use here: I wanted to put an end to this chaos, by putting an end to him. More effective.

 

QUOTE: ((I’m Elijah. I’m 16.)) ((I wanted to end all the chaos that Xerxes is causing.)) Whenever someone ((disobeys)) one of his rules, he ((persecutes)) them immediately. He even killed one of his soldiers because he was “in the way.” ((Everyone in this town is practically his slave.)) ~End of Quote~

 

First person POV is very, very tricky. This is because of two reasons: 1. People, when writing, tend to switch to third person by accident. I didn’t see any of that, though, so good job! :D 2. The word “I” tends to get used…. Wayy too much. Keep that in mind.

 

Right from the start your tenses are already a little bit off. Decide: Past tense, or present? Then stick to it. People always have problems with this, so I’ll be pointing these out throughout the story. Past is usually easier: take note, just because you’re writing it in past tense, it doesn’t mean it happened in the past… this doesn’t really make sense hee but just choose on tense and STICK TO IT. :P I’ll be editing the tense mistakes I see into past tense, so just change it if it’s present.

 

Since it’s wanted, it would be all the chaos that Xerxes was causing, not is.

 

disobeyed

 

persecuted

 

This line here is odd. Everyone in town is practically his slave. Hmm. I would change that to was practically, by the way. Slaves work. I don’t see working, but I do see submission. If you wanted a add the slave bit in, maybe before that you could add a “everyone in town was at his beck and call” then a comma, and throw in a “practically his private army of slaves.” So the sentence would be “Everyone in town was at his beck and call, practically his private army of slaves”.

 

QUOTE: I went to my friend Caleb’s house to tell him what I was planning. ~End of Quote~

Yay, mistake-less! :)

 

QUOTE: <Rest of the Story> ~End of Quote~

Okayyy now the problem that I have with the rest of the story is dialogue. A little sprinkling of dialogue is fine. But in a short story, large amounts of dialogue is undesirable, because it disrupts the flow. A movie or a real life thing is NOT a short story, you cannot throw in dialogue and expect it to sound all natural. It, in general, doesn’t. you did balance it out okay-ish here, though, but less is always more! And now I will properly continue. Try changing dialogue into thoughts and/or action. Works better that way.

 

QUOTE: “You really want to do that? I mean, I’m with you, but you’ll probably die,” said Caleb. ~End of Quote~

Have I told you that love this Caleb guy? I think Elijah is an idiot but I love Caleb. Come ON, “I mean, I’m with you, but you’ll probably die” – he makes me laugh. And he’s a good friend. I love him.

 

QUOTE:“I want to give it a shot. Are you up for it?” I replied.

“Wait, me? Hm… I’m up for an adventure of ((a sort)),” he said. ~End of Quote~

Of some sort, or of sorts. No a sort, it sounds odd.

 

QUOTE:(( We went to my house to pick up a shotgun, knowing that it was now or never. We each got one.)) ~End of Quote~

Since you each got one, it wouldn’t be a shotgun, but a few, or two, or the shotguns.

 

QUOTE: We went the 5 mile walk to Xerxes’s Castle. Caleb looked nervous, but I calmed him down.

“All right, are you ready, Caleb?” I said.

“Yep. Let’s go.” ~End of Quote~

Mebe more about the walk, the nervousness built up in it, more about Caleb’s nervousness? Makes for a more descriptive piece.

 

QUOTE: Caleb and I stepped into the castle, but a guard stopped us. ~End of Quote~

Caleb and I tried to step into the castle

 

QUOTE: “I’m sorry, only those with permission may enter the castle.”

Caleb ((put up)) his gun and shot him. Apparently, everyone in the castle heard the gunshot. Three more guards ((came out.)) ~End of Quote~

Possible paraphrases to make it flow more smoothly: pulled out, and appeared.

 

QUOTE: “Whoa, Elijah, watch out!” ((he)) screamed. He shot a bullet and hit a guard. I shot a few times and killed the rest. ~End of Quote~

Maybe a Caleb instead of he. It’s a rule-y thing, actually, that most of the time, when starting a new paragraph, you don’t refer a person as “he”, but my name.

 

QUOTE: We panted knowing that we escaped death. ~End of Quote~

We panted (COMMA),then shot each other relieved glances, knowing that we had escaped a certain death.

The “a certain” isn’t needed, but you can add it if you wish. The reason I added the glances bit, is because what you’re implying now is that they knew they escaped a certain death and therefore they panted. Which, obviously, is not what you’re trying to say! By adding that line, I change it to imply that they knew they had escaped death, and therefore shot relieved glances to each other.

 

QUOTE: “That was close,” ((I)) said.

“And then some,” he replied.

“All right, we don’t have time to waste. Let’s go!” ((I)) exclaimed. ~End of Quote~

I really like Caleb! The Is are coming out! I think that for “All right, we don’t have time to waste. Let’s go!”, you don’t need any I said he said we said or whatever, just have the dialogue. It’s infer-able who said it.

 

QUOTE: We walked a little forward and headed up some stairs. There were a lot of doors in the room we entered, but we ((just decided to keep moving forward.)) We ((walked in a door,)) ((and there was a table stretching out with people having a meal.)) ~End of Quote~

Extra points for not spelling a lot a alot!

 

decided to just keep moving forward

 

You can’t walk in a door. You can walk into one, which hurts, but not in one. You can walk in a mixture of mud and water, but not in a door. You can select a door at random, and shove it hard, causing it to slam on its hinges, before walking into the room, though, so I suggest Caleb and Elijah do that.

 

QUOTE: “They are the ((ones.)) Seize them!!” the man at the end of the table shouted. ~End of Quote~

Ones? Ones who did what, climbed a tree? Killed an ant? Sat on a bird? Or are they twos? Or threes? Intruders would fit in nicely here, I think.

 

QUOTE: “Get your guard up,” I said to Caleb. Two men came rushing at us and tried to hit us. We dodged and pinned them against the wall.

“We won’t hurt you if you let us alone. We only are after Xerxes,” I said to them.

“Xerxes? ((Never will you reach him!))” he replied. ~End of Quote~

I liked the get your guard up bit! :)

 

Never will you reach him sounds odd, because the rest has been in modern day English, then suddenly the phrasing of this throws me back in time. I would prefer to use you will never reach him, but here is a matter of choice, so you can choose not to, too.

 

QUOTE: He kicked me ((back)) and I hit him in the face ((with the gun.)) The other ((man and the guests stared)) blankly. I shot the man and the other men and women left us alone. We left the room, and went up another flight of stairs. ~End of Quote~

I would say cancel the back. You didn’t kick him, so he wouldn’t kick you back, he would kick you.

 

Also, with the butt of the gun, not just “the gun”.

 

You’re very factual in killing people. More descriptions, please?

 

QUOTE: We reached a room with a huge door ((in the front)). I tried to open it, but it was locked. I shot through the key hole and heard a scream.

The door was opened by Xerxes. I had shot a guard. ~End of Quote~

Scrap in the front.

 

Also the idea of shooting through a key hole is quite… not possible, but it’s all we have now, so it’s fine.

 

QUOTE: “Children? What do you want?!” he said. ~End of Quote~

First impression: I. LOVE. THIS. GUY.

 

QUOTE: I ((put up my gun)) and pointed it at him. Caleb looked scared. ~End of Quote~

“Put up my gun” is good phrasing. I would suggest… pulled out my gun, which was already once used so maybe raised my gun? Also, Caleb is so hilariously useless.

 

QUOTE: “You… little…” Xerxes grabbed my gun and ((through)) it at Caleb, and it fell down the flight of stairs that we had gone up. He did the same with Caleb after punching him. ~End of Quote~

Spelling error: Threw

 

The last bit is hilarious, by the way, awesome work! xD

 

QUOTE: “It doesn’t matter what you do here. I’m blowing it up anyway!” he said, laughing psychopathically. He ((had)) a bomb in his hand. ~End of Quote~

Held would sound better.

 

I REALLY love this guy.

 

QUOTE: “Wait, stop!!” Caleb and I yelled. ~End of Quote~

Caleb yelled up from the bottom of the stairs? Or is he back up? Make sure you know where your characters are stationed.

 

QUOTE: Xerxes ran to the window and threw the bomb. Caleb and I ran down the stairs to get our guns. Then… the explosion ((happened.)) ~End of Quote~

An explosion does not simply happen. An explosion is HUGE. You can say Then… came the explosion. The foundations of the castle crumbled by sheer force, and the walls around us fell to pieces. Or something.

 

QUOTE: ((“AAARGH!!”)) ~End of Quote~

Less is more, this spoils the dramatic effect of the moment. Remember, it’s NOT a movie.

 

QUOTE:((I awoke to find myself bleeding in various places. The surroundings were all dirt, stones, and fallen trees.)) ~End of Quote~

Bleeding in various places sounds… odd. Maybe you can say you awoke to find your head cracked open, and a couple of ribs broken, or something more graphic? Also: Dirt, stone, and fallen trees surrounded me.

 

QUOTE: “Caleb, hey, wake up!” Caleb opened his eyes and looked tired. As he looked around, he got up and was frozen in place. ~End of Quote~

I doubt if you lived through a bomb explosion you would fall asleep. Or wake up tired.

 

QUOTE: “Hey, is that Xerxes?” he pointed to ((a)) fallen Xerxes lying unconscious on the floor. ~End of Quote~A lamb: any one lamb. The lamb: One specific lamb. So the fallen Xerxes, not a.

 

QUOTE: “Where’s my gun? I can end this now,” I said to Caleb. I saw my gun just barely sticking out of the barren ground. ~End of Quote~

Barren means no plants growing, unfertile. It sounds weird when you use it all of a sudden. Just because a bomb exploded, it does not make the land infertile.

 

QUOTE: ((I also saw people lying everywhere in the distance.)) ~End of Quote~

In the distance, I could see bloody, battered bodies.

 

QUOTE: When I got back to where Caleb was, he was unconscious again on the floor, with Xerxes looking down on him. He pointed his gun at me. ((I dropped my gun, and stared blankly.)) ~End of Quote~ He kills like… maybe 10 or so people just to get to this Xerxes, and then suddenly, just because gun is pointed at him, he gives up? Give me something about the final defeat thing. Maybe… It was over. I dropped my gun, and stared blankly at him. What had I sacrificed all those lives for? It was over. This was the end. I squared my shoulders, preparing for the shot that would come. In this way, you add a point of giving up, of submission.

 

QUOTE: “Welcome… to the Ruins… Of Xerxes!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” ~End of Quote~

AAAAND, we’ve reached an ending! It took me 1 FULL hour to type this out, I hope you ace English. :) Anyway, I’m now going to burst your bubble and tell you that you totally ruined your ending with the “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. It’s not something you can just type out, evil laughs represented that way just sound childish. Your ending idea was a FANTASTIC one, don’t let this spoil it! Maybe something about him, first, them the ruins thingy. Something like: He regarded me with cold eyes, his mouth a twisted grin, filled with malice and madness. (Alliteration-y, sounds cool. :D) “Welcome…. To the Ruins…. Of Xerxes.”

 

The shot fired.

THEN you have your fully morbid ending.:D And now I am done. Please let me say that it ended fantastically, and I can really see the potential~~~ in this! It had an awesome ending; it’s exactly the kind of thing I would want to write. :) All the best with English, keep posting stories! :D

 

 

What I typed out there were all opinions. Therefore, I will not apologize, or excuse myself for them. It was what I truly felt. If you feel insulted, you feel like I just pulled you down and thrashed you up unjustly, good. Write another piece, showing what you’re capable of. Keep improving. Keep writing. Keep getting better.

 

I’m waiting to see your name come out on a Number 1 teen’s pick top story thingy!!!! :D

 

<3, the Harsh but loving and NOT unjust :( ,

Sweetdang.

[khaos]

I guess I'll right more of it. Sweetdang and Zelda Fable Rebel, I fixed all the mistakes. :D Thanks for the crits!

[zeldafable_rebel]

I hope it helped you in english class! :P

[Sweetdang]

You are VERY welcome. :) I enjoy doing stuff like this, it's just very time consuming.