Lady Kakata Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I'm writing a VERY simple story for The Neopian Times. Most of my writing is very detailed, can get gory if the story demands it, that kind of thing. But Neopets was originally created for children, so I wanted to write something that kids can read and relate to, so I have the 'new sibling' angle, using Moorlough and Nimhue. So yes, very simplistic writing style, dropping a LOT of Neopets items names. Tell me what you think so far! [NOTE : The 'treehouse' was my Illusens Treehouse, but I've since sold it XD Later in the story, Moorlough has to watch as her house is altered to make room for Nimhue into the layout it is right now] Moorlough smiled as she made her way home in Shenkuu after a long day working hard in the Faerieland Employment Agency, tending to the needs of the Faeries and busy Neopians needing goods. Every Neopet had to work, those Faerie Library books and delicious Voidberry Bubbles didn’t pay for themselves! Mmmm, Voidberry Bubbles ... she had several in her carrying bag, along with a few glasses of Faerie Punch to wash them down while reading the latest book. After a long hard day working, there was nothing better than coming back to her quiet home in Shenkuu to relax, take a bath and settle down in her soft, warm bed ... But as she approached the house, her ears twitched, making the vintage earrings in them twinkle slightly. She thought she heard .... nah, it couldn’t be. There was only one other person that would go into her Neohome, and that was her owner. Maybe it was her pet Tanizard, Kinkajou? But she lived content in her tank, she rarely made a noise other than feeding time or playtime. Suspicious, Moorlough carefully opened her front door and peered in, eyes and ears alert for any signs of an intruder “Hello?” She stepped in, trying to make as little noise as possible to hear any reactions to her voice, “Is anybody here?” Kinkajou barked frantically from her bowl, whizzing around in the water as a curious Kazeriu patted the waters surface to observe the ripples made. The distress the normally bright Tanizard was so obvious that Moorlough immediately dropped her bag and ran over. “Hey, stop that!” She picked up the Kazeriu and pulled it away from the bowl, “How ... did you get in here? WHY are you in here?” Kazerius weren’t exactly common, and to her knowledge didn’t worm their way into houses to pester innocent petpets. If it didn’t get in by itself, who had let it in? The Kazeriu itself crooned curiously, sniffing Moorlough’s paws and looking up at her with baleful blue eyes. It was hard to be angry at such a serene little petpet, but the Xweetok had to consider her poor distressed Kinkajou, hiding in her little castle to be away from the intruder. “You can’t have come in here by yourself, you must belong to someo-“ Moorlough stopped dead as she suddenly heard a noise coming from ... her bathroom? Someone was in her bathroom!? Frowning, she put the Kazeriu down and cautiousy edged towards her room, picking up her Psellias Fighting Fan as she did so. It wasn’t a very threatening-looking weapon, but when used in her paws, it could work very, VERY well ... “Psch, nothing good in here ...” A female voice said as Moorlough pushed open the door of her room gently. A shadow was in the doorway to her en-suite bathroom, making Moorlough narrow her eyes in anger. It was a Xweetok shape, her back to Moorlough. She could take this intruder, no proble- The light clicked on, the Kazeriu had followed her and put on the light to warn the other Xweetok in advance. In surprise, the Xweetok turned round and Moorlough froze with her fan in battle-stance, her sapphire eyes furious. Her uninvited guest was a red Xweetok, wearing a pink pirate jacket and carrying around a cherry blossom branch in one of her paws. She was slightly dirty, getting pawprints on Moorlough’s precious smooth Faerieland tiles. “Who are you?” The red Xweetok blinked “Who are YOU?!” Moorlough screeched, “And why are you in my house?!” “Oh!” The red Xweetok suddenly grinned and extended a friendly paw, “You must be Moorlough. Should have guessed, really. I’m Nimhue!” “I don’t care who you are, why are you in MY HOUSE?” Moorlough was in no mood to shake paws with people that had the nerve to enter her home without asking! “Er, if you didn’t care who I was, why did you just ask?” The red Xweetok rose a brow “JUST ANSWER ME!” Moorlough rose her voice further, her tail bristling in anger “I’m your new sister!” *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Moorlough shook her head as she poured some fresh green tea into a delicate porceline cup for herself, then one for Nimhue “I just can’t believe it ...” “Yeah, me neither!” Nimhue said cheerily from the Battle Faerie couch in the living room, “I mean, I had no idea I would be adopted so quickly, and I would have a sister!” “I’m NOT your sister” Moorlough muttered in a low tone, handing Nimhue her tea and sitting on the other couch away from her, “Why are you here” “Uh, I told you, ‘cause I got adopted” Nimhue blew on her tea to cool it, “And I came here! This place is so cool! I think your Tanizard and my Tanzanite could be friends!” “They most certainly will not be” Moorlough’s tone was sharp, Kinkajou the Tanizard curled around her neck to soothe her earlier trauma. “Aw, come on, it’ll be fun!” Nimhue beamed, “They could play together, and we could get them little Petpet beds and toys and-“ “That will NOT be happening because YOU are not staying here!” Moorlough snapped, glaring at Nimhue over the rim of her teacup. “But I am!” Nimhue protested, “I’m your sister! Our owner says we have to live here together!” “Then you can stay out in the treehouse” Moorlough growled, “I am not sharing my beautiful house with someone as rude and dirty as you!” “Hmph, I’m not being the rude one here, lady” Nimhue huffed, “YOU are the rude one. And I got dirty from walking all the way from Neopia Central!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaana Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 This is a shoe-in piece. Very good for the NT. I'd say keep on writing :3 Only thing would be to maybe italicise instead of capitalise when emphasising. It just looks more neat imho. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Kakata Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 This is a shoe-in piece. Very good for the NT. I'd say keep on writing :3 Only thing would be to maybe italicise instead of capitalise when emphasising. It just looks more neat imho. ] Thank you ^_^ I wasn't sure if I needed to HTML before submitting to TNT, so I capitalised to show up the emphasis just in case I need to HTML code it for submission later Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saxen Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 But Neopets was originally created for children Had to jump on this I apologise XD Neo was originally created for College kids, not children ;) Your story is really lovely, it flows wonderfully! I agree with Kaana, defininitely keep writing and working on it, it could do with being longer and having a little extra plot. I wanted to keep reading :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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