Every mid-July...

[Quark]

For the past few years, without fail, mid-July is a horrible time. I don't believe in curses or paranormal forces, but I dread this time of year because I just know what will happen. Inevitably, around my birthday, someone I know will pass away.

I hate my birthday. Everyone tries to make a fun deal about it, but I can never celebrate it happily. Two of my aunts, my two grandparents and this year, my mom's uncle have died on or around my birthday (or the funeral has been on my birthday). The memories sting and I consider it a day of mourning, not a time to celebrate.

Yet, tomorrow some of my friends want to take me out to dinner and this weekend my best friend and his fiance have planned a little shindig for me. (I haven't seen his fiance in some time, since she's been in New Orleans, so I do admit that I am excited to see her.) But I know that I'll be feeling so awful the whole time with a fake smile on my face. I don't really know why I'm telling you all this, perhaps because none of you know me in real life. I feel that if I tell my friends to skip my birthday, it would hurt them.

 

My grandfather's death hurts the most. I don't talk to my father, so grandpa was really my father figure. He was the smartest man that I knew and everyone says that I act like him in uncanny ways. The last words he spoke to me were in the hospital a few days before I turned 18: He told me that I was hiding a secret behind my Mona Lisa smile, and that line just kills me. You see, I had graduated high school and had applied to an AmeriCorps program (sort of like the Peace Corps, only in the States) to build houses in the Pacific Northwest...which was incidentally my grandfather's favorite part of the country. He told me never to come back to Jersey, to go to Oregon and stay there, that I would be happy there, that everything would work out. He was so proud of me that when I found out that the program fell through, I couldn't bear to tell him that I wasn't going. So on his deathbed, I lied to him and said that I was going to Oregon in October, knowing that he would never be alive to know any better. But when he told me that my smile held a secret, I wonder if he knew, I wonder if he'd still be proud of me despite the fact. Every July I reflect on my life and hope that he'd be proud. Would he be reminded of all those lessons in scientific thinking that he taught me as a young girl when I talked about college? Would he beam with pride as I read his physics books, as he tested in me theories?

These are the things I wonder. I miss his silly birthday cards, I miss him taking me to the bookstore for my birthday and spending hours with him reading and trading trivia. I hate that he just missed me turning 18, I hate that he was the black sheep in the family and now so am I. I hate that my mother didn't think highly of him so I can't tell her how much I miss him. But mostly I hate that that it's been years and I still cry at the drop of the hat when I think of him.

 

I'm sorry guys, I just really need to get things off my chest. I'm feeling very lonely.

[CAV of Gang Green]

This sounds terrible. I'm so sorry. If you need a friend, I'm here. We all are.

 

My mother died last year in June, days before my last day of school. It killed me that she couldn't see my graduation this year, and it will hurt more when she can't see my little brother graduate from elementary school next year.

 

Life changes when death arrives, and we may not be prepared. I'm still not use to being without her, but sometimes we just gotta find a way to make it through the pain and suffering.

[-Ryan]

Awww, that was really sweet CAV.

 

I'm sure that even if he knows about what happened with the project he's still very proud of you. :yes:

 

Aw, i'm really sorry though. -hugs- Next year could always be better though. ^^

Why not just try to enjoy your birthday so you'll have something very happy to feel good about even when something like this happens? ^^

[Viridian]

I'm sorry for you Quark :( When it comes to close relatives I've only lost my grandpa, and much like with you he was like a father figure to me. I know how extremely empty it may feel at times, especially when they pass away on a special day (or near one). I do sometimes still cry over his death (it was about 3 years ago), but I've come to accept it. The last sight I remember of him before his death was me, and my cousin and him laying on a sofa... I had taken his hand, and my cousin whispered in his ear that Iris was there. I felt his hand grabbing mine a little closer for just a second, so he knew I was there, even though he couldn't speak a word. Quite a memory that is, brings tears to my eyes..

 

However, if you want to listen to some good advice of mine... (I understand that may be hard in some cases) Here it is:

 

Life is like a circle. You lost your grandfather right before you turned 18, maybe he lost someone around that age too. I'm sure he, and all your other passed away friends or family members, would love to see you enjoy life for as long as you can. Do not grief over those who have passed away, instead keep them close to you in your heart and think of the compliments they may give you for achieving who you are (whether or not they thought it was a good thing at the time that they passed away. Remember that those who love you will always accept you for who you are). One day you shall pass away, wouldn't you want people to be happy rather than grief over your death too? (Sorry if that is a bit morbid). Perhaps celebrating your birthday with some good friends will lighten up your mood a little, and if you can, you may tell one of your friends why you have the fake smile on your face. Telling what is on your mind always takes away a bit of the pressure.

 

Try to enjoy life, because for every downside there's an upside. If there's something you really need to get off your chest, you can talk to anyone that cares for you (even online, on forums like these). TDN will be here for you in times of need, and you can always contact one of its members for a little conversation.

 

Now my little rant is over, here's a big bear hug.

 

[Wembly]

I'm sorry to hear about all that but I'm glad to be here to vent to (be vented to? I don't know the proper grammar for that). I'm sure people probably tell you the following all the time, and I'm not trying to patronize you so feel free to skip the next part if it feels like the same message on repeat, but I'm sure you grandpa would be proud of you no matter what. I'm sure he would want you to try and enjoy your birthday. It reminds me of the quote from Dumbledore from the 3rd movie (if you hate harry potter, sorry) "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." There's always something trying to bring us down but try to notice the small things that bring you joy every day. Personally I find it much more enjoyable to laugh a lot. There's a song we sing at church with the lyrics "look all around you and see what is real, hear what is true and be sure what you feel". For me, letting go and giving it all to God has been a huge help in getting that so desired peace that passes understanding. Whether or not you find your answers in God, know that we don't always get the answers to the questions we want but what we have been given is time, the here and now, which our loved ones that passed no longer do, so enjoy it!

 

And for something amusing that might make you smile while completely unrelated to my previous speal..

[CAV of Gang Green]

Awww, that was really sweet CAV.

 

Thanks. There's a side of CAV that not many people know.

 

If you ever need relief, just go to the YLYL thread. Or do something you like to do.

 

Like me, when I play video games, I leave the world around me, and all I can see is the game I'm playing. No problem exists, no stress is present, and I feel relaxed and free from the chains of reality. I don't think video games are your hobby, but whatever it is, do it, and see if you feel the weight being removed off your shoulders. If it does, then you found your key to escaping reality.

 

If you need a virtually fake hug, I'm here.

 

[Quark]

You guys are all so sweet. Thank you, I will try to live life to the fullest tomorrow instead of being sad. At least I'll try my hardest.

Your virtual hugs and xkcd comics are very welcomed.

[CAV of Gang Green]

If you want, I'll give you my Shaymin. I'm not using him a lot, and I heard how it's your dream pokemon, so I'm willing to trade. :)

 

If you want to go along with this, PM me.

[Quark]

Reallies? Well, I don't have the game yet, but I'll have it sometime soon. :*

[CAV of Gang Green]

Realies. As a friend, I'll give it to you.

 

I think it's level 30.

[Tyler.]

I have also lost someone near my birthday

less then a week before my birthday in 2006 my grandfather died

Losses are always tragic, they are hard to go through, but as long as there are people close to you, all is well, even though the losses were tragic

[CAV of Gang Green]

My grandfather died on New Years Eve 2004. It sucks. And it's tough to get use to.

 

But like I said in my first post here, we gotta find a way, even if all seems dark.

[Serio]

I know how you all feel :/ My grandpa died a few years ago an dI still struggle daily.

[Spritzie]

I'm sorry for all the losses you've endured Quark. :( I know what you're going through. I've lost a lot of people, though not around my birthday. My best friend, my grandma (Dad's mom), and my mom's best friend who I grew up around, all died in the year I was 12. Then I lost my grandpa (Mom's dad) in February of 2008, then my grandma (Mom's mom) 9 months later in November of 2008. And it's hard thinking about it, when things remind me of any of them. Or how I wish my husband had gotten to meet my grandma and how much he would have loved her because of the amazing person she was.

 

We're all here for you. Whether it's to talk about things, or just be silent support.

[Masaryk]

I know I'm late posting here, but I wanted to add something anyway.

 

Quark, my heart goes out to you. I know that I cannot feel your pain, because I'm not you, but I can empathize with your pain. I, too, have been in a similar situation. When I was in my early teens, I lost my dad just before Christmas. His death was very unexpected, so no one had a chance to say goodbye. The funeral was on Christmas Eve. For many years after, I hated Christmas. I dreaded it coming. I wasn't excited about it at all. Christmas is supposed to be a time for celebrating and enjoying the company of family and friends, but for me, it was a time of sorrow, awkward discomfort around family (my mom never wants to talk about it), and emptiness.

 

To compound matters, six years ago, my grandpa died just after New Years. I still miss grandpa dearly, especially throughout the holiday season.

 

It may have taken the rest of my teenage years to stop loathing Christmas, but I eventually made the choice to try to focus on the positive parts of the winter holidays. I learned to rejoice in the time I get to spend with my family and friends that are still here. Cooking and baking have become a distracting focus for me during the holidays. My choice to be positive is not flawless, though. I still find myself giving in to moments of great sadness. But, I allow my moments of despair to happen, before refocusing my thoughts. Even when I try really hard to not think about my dad, my attempts still get thwarted by my "Christmas migraine" (Every year, around the time of dad's death, I have a migraine, with aura).

 

I still hold a great sadness in my heart. It is always there, and it is a part of who I am. The events that caused this sadness have helped to shape me. Without these losses, I wouldn't be the person I am today. For that reason, I do not begrudge my grief. Instead, I embrace it. But I do not let it dominate my life.

 

Try to enjoy your birthday celebrations. Your friends care about you, and they want you to have fun. I know that it is hard to have fun when you are feeling hurt, so set aside some special time for your grief. Maybe, as a part of your plans (or by yourself), go visit your grandpa's grave, so that you can focus your grief and leave it behind for a few hours. Or, take a few minutes out of your party to be spend some time with the memory of your grandpa. Your friends will understand that you need a little bit of time alone.

 

And, as Spritzie said, we are always here to listen.

 

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

[CAV of Gang Green]

To compound matters, six years ago, my grandpa died just after New Years.

 

My grandfather died on New Years Eve 6 years ago. His birthday is the day after Christmas. And my Mother's birthday is 2 days after his. I miss them both during the holidays.