Poem I did for English class (rate please!)

[Flameheart]

This poem is a "Biographical Character Poem" we had to do for this historical fiction book called The Book Thief. I did the character Max Vandenburg, a Jewish man going into hiding. If you haven't read the book, just rate based on wording and flow, please!

 

An anxious Jew, hiding in the dark,

Waits with bated breath,

For the soft, silent tread of a friend with a book,

Or the boot-thumps of possible death.

 

Max is hopeful that the dreaded word "Papers,"

Whispered far and near,

Will never be uttered on his train ride to Molching,

For that would be the end of all things dear.

 

Careful and brave, Max knocks on the door,

"My Struggle" still clutched in his hand,

To see if his father's friend is still a friend,

The one-man accordion band.

 

The days, they pass, the months grow cold,

Max is cheerful once more.

An in-door snowman, a wondrous sight,

So far from the Dachau shore.

 

Yet, then comes a time,

When Max must run,

Though he is innocent of any crime,

Leaving behind "The Standover Man" and a rope to a dripping sun.

 

Sooo, take in mind that I am 13 years old and I was forced to write this as a component of a 7-project end-of-the-year big project. Anyways, rate the poem!

[Cornflakes]

I am dazzled that you spelled "bated breath" correctly. Other than that, I like it. I'm not going to give it a rating, though. You can't rate art. :)

[Girl at the Rock Show]

I'm not an expert on poetry nor have I read the book, but the words sound nice and they flow. I like rhyming poems xD I think they are quite clever!

[penguin8jess]

I think that it's really good, nice flow and rhythm and also good rhyming. Just this stanza:

 

Yet, then comes a time,

When Max must run,

Though he is innocent of any crime,

Leaving behind "The Standover Man" and a rope to a dripping sun.

 

All your other stanzas have lines two and four rhyming, whether this stanza has 1 and 3 as well as two and four. :woot:

[Flameheart]

oh oops I didn't mean to rhyme in 1 and 3! I didn't realize I had time and crime at the end of a line!

 

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

[Ro-]

I think I'd have to know more about the book to judge the last parts, but in the first stanza I have an issue. 'Bated breath' is such a cliche.

[Flameheart]

how's it a cliche? It's a better choice of words for a poem than something like "extremely quiet". It shows that you know how to use it correctly.

[Ro-]

It's a cliche because it's been used a hundred times. To make a poem really outstanding, you use unique imaginary and phrasing.

[Flameheart]

okay. can you suggest to me a better phrase, then?

[Ro-]

Well, I'm not a good poet, and I'm quite bad at imagery. Besides, it's your poem.

[penguin8jess]

oh oops I didn't mean to rhyme in 1 and 3! I didn't realize I had time and crime at the end of a line!

 

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

 

Well, it's a good rhyme. :woot: I'm not a good poet as well so I can't offer good constructive criticism, but line Cornflakes said, "You can't rate art."

:woot:

[Shawn Ashley]

it has a decent rhythm and you have some good vocab in here. Of course you also have some similes which is always good for poetry.

[June]

For a 13 year old, this is really good. You used really complex vocabulary and its ambiguous enough to be interesting even though I haven't read the book.

 

My one criticism is with the punctuation- the commas at the end of every line. It's disruptive to the flow in this particular poem, since you are using punctuation as it is intended (the poem reads like a sentence or story, broken into lines) but then you are also finishing every line with a comma. The commas mean different things in the poem and it doesn't really work, imo. Any lines where a comma wouldn't go in a sentance, I think it would be better left blank.

 

I'm not like a grammar nazi or anything; I just studied poetry in high school/first year uni. just trying to offer something that will help you make the next poem even better ^_^

[CAV of Gang Green]

It's impossible to rate art. But very well done. I can write poems myself as well, but they're always dark. I should post one of them one day.

[Anisha]

You have done a completely beautiful job. I absolutely admire poets and poems.

This poem is really descent. Though I can't say anything more about it, as I don't much of know about poems.

[Flameheart]

thanks June! I have some another poem I've written, just for fun this time. Want to read it?