Coastal Mall-a story in progress

[rachiee]

I'm writing a story called "Coastal Mall," which is about several school-age children who hang out at a mall called the Coastal Mall, and their life changes when a meteor unexpectedly hits the mall. But I haven't written about the meteor yet. :/

 

Here is a sneak peek of the story [part of chapter 1], and an amount of content had to be edited just so it's TDNF safe.

Enjoy!

Feel free to comment or critique my work, as usual. :)

 

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Coastal Mall

3:01pm

 

The Coastal Mall was booming on Thursday afternoon. The "frequent flyers" on this afternoon -no, after school each school day were Connie Claye, Miri Monarch, Glen Golder, Jeff Janes and Jake Johnson- a tight-knit group of 13-year-old friends who go to Almond Hill School. In a year, they would be going to Almond Creek school.

 

"Oh, do you know Jen Espinosa?" Connie asked. "Jen invited us to her party."

 

"Yeah," Miri said.

 

"She invited us?" Glen said. "I thought she didn't like us. You know, popular chicks."

 

"She partially likes us." Connie took a quick glance at Glen, then looked away. "I have known her for five years."

 

"Okay, when is it?" Miri asked in a cheerful tone.

 

"Tomorrow, at the beach near the boardwalk," Connie said. "There's gonna be a BBQ, fireworks, volleyball, swimming, live music including a DJ, several raffles and a ton of other activities." She smiled gleefully, trying to hold in giggles of happiness. "So, do you guys want to come? I know I will."

 

"Gosh, I don't know, Connie," Glen said. "In my opinion, Jennifer Kathleen Espinosa is a stupid klutz. I've never trusted her."

 

"I might come, yeah," Jeff said.

 

"Yeah, I think I'll look into it," Jake said.

 

"I'll definitely go," Miri said. She saw Jen coming, with her cherry-red electric guitar with a black strap nestled on one shoulder like her tote bag, on the other shoulder. She flipped her smooth, long, midnight-black hair.

 

"Hey, guys," Jen said, putting her tote bag down and took the guitar off her shoulder as her neon-pink fingernails strummed the strings of the guitar. "Just as a reminder, come in swimsuit, but you're strongly advised to wear a cover-up. Oh yeah, the party is tomorrow. Gotta run to perform a free concert. Byeee!" She walked away in a fashionable manner. Of course, she was the second most beautiful female in the eighth grade, next to Talia Glaser.

 

"She's so vain," Glen said. "I'd rather lock myself in a giant freezer with just raw meat to eat than be with Jennifer." He put emphasis on Jennifer.

 

"Um, I think that's kinda over-reactive," Miri said. "Jen is actually very nice once you get to know her. Glen, are you going or are you not going?"

 

Glen let out a hefty sigh, the kind you make when you're making a serious decision. "Ok."

 

"Jake and I will go," Jeff said.

 

"Yes," Jake replied.

 

"Miri and I are off to her place," Connie said, as they started walking away from the guys, waving something that would say "Bye, I guess we'll see you tomorrow."

 

"Why did I even agree to go to Jen's shindig?" Glen asked in a whiny tone. "Whyyyyy?"

 

"Because you thought it was fun?" Jake said rudely. "Look, Glen. I know how much you hate Jen, but the party sounds like fun."

 

Connie and Miri stopped at the exit for several seconds to find out that Jen was there as well.

 

"Hey Connie, and hey, Miri," Jen said. "See you guys at the beach, 4:30pm. Can I walk with you guys? Where to?"

 

"My house," Miri said. "Jen, do you want to be partners with Connie and I for the Science Fair?"

 

"Why," Jen said, "that would be wonderful! We have 2 months to do it. 2 weeks to think of ideas."

 

"What's wrong with Ms. Caluri?" Miri said, in a tone that suggests she was asking something. "She expects the absolute best from everyone, and will actually whip us if we get lower than a 90. This isn't a torture chamber, it's school."

 

"Oh, everything is wrong with her," Jen said. "She's whipped me countless times. I really do hate Ms. Caluri. And, if you call her by her first name, she'll give you a whipping for that, too. She's just drawn to torture."

 

"I know!" Connie exclaimed. "I called her Teirijota, her first name, and I got whipped. I laughed, and guess what, I got whipped-not once, but twice!"

[Captain Awesome Pants]

It looks good! The only things I'd suggest is possibly not making the paragraphs so short (they need meat! :O) and try not using "said" so much. Use fun words like, shouted, coughed, scoffed, mumbled, interjected, muttered, replied, questioned... the list goes on and on. :yes: