livvy Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I found the poem I'd been looking for! This one is kind of old; I wrote it when I was 12 and feeling immensely betrayed by a group of people who I thought were my friends. That being said, it's probably not as good as I could write now, but I still like it. =] I'm climbing trees that have no branches Chopping wood without an axe I turn to them for second chances I turn, and all I see are backs I'm up a creek without a paddle I am scared but cannot scream While I fight a losing battle They join the opposing team They give no reassuring hand To save me from my deepest fears Instead of pulling me to land They leave me drowning in my tears They said that they'd stay through the fires They said the usual "to the end"s But now I see they're only liars How could they call themselves my friends? Quote
SkyTurtle Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Ouch! Livvy, did you snatch a page from one of my middle-school journals??? Seriously, though, this is really good. You have a nice way with imagery-- I especially like the phrase "I turn and all I see is backs" Nicely done, hon. P.S. Sad to say, betrayal never does hurt any less; we just learn to pretend otherwise. Quote
Unstream Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Very nice poem. It's sad though. Do you mind if I make some suggestions though? I think in some parts you can change the words a little to make it flow more and have a better rhythm, at least it sounds better to me when I read it in my head. I'm climbing trees that have no branchesChopping wood without an axe I turn to them for second chances And all I see are backs I'm up a creek without a paddle I'm scared but cannot scream While I fight a losing battle They join the opposing team They gave me no reassuring hand To save me from my deepest fears Instead of pulling me to land They leave me drowning in my tears They said that they'd stay through the fires They said the usual "to the end"s But now I see they're only liars How could they call themselves my friends? The things I changed are in red. I just eliminated/added a couple syllables to make it what I thought has a better rhythm and flows better. But I'm not a poet, so I can be wrong. Fantastic use of imagery though. "I'm up a creek without a paddle." "I'm climbing trees that have no branches." "They leave me drowning in my tears." They're genius. Quote
livvy Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 @Sky: Thanks! Actually, I think I snagged a page from everyone's middle school journal. That's why I still like it. It can mean something to everyone. @Unstream: I understand what you're saying, but it's written the way it is because of the rhythm. It needed the extra/lacking syllables. Oh, thanks! Someone told me that it used too many cliches; I'm glad you thought it was good! ^_^ ~ Livvy Quote
Unstream Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 *sigh* Stinks how we can't read it aloud on the Internet. There's only so much typed words can do. I liked reading it aloud though. And maybe I could have shown you what I meant. But oh well. Quote
Stephé Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 I love all your imagery. The way you've captured it, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm a bit picky on the syllables but the way you've explained it, I like it! Quote
livvy Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Thanks, Stephanie! I've gotten over it now; those "friends" are having their own problems that I don't have to be a part of. So it's all good. =] Thank you though! ~ Livvy Quote
antiaircraft Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Wow - it's been a while since I've seen poetry as good as yours. :thumbsup: You've got some excellently used imagery (and I don't mean that in the photographical sense :P ). Quote
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