Lutarist Jake Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 Well, this is the place for everyone to tell jokes! Here's mine: One day, Steven Spellberg was drinking in a pub, opposite a Chinese man. Then, feeling quite drunk, he went over and punched the Chinese man. Chinese Man:What was that for? Spellberg: That was for my Grandfather who was killed at Pearl Harbour. Chinese Man: But those were the Japanese! Spellberg: Chinese! Vietnamese! Japanese! All the same! Then, also feeling quite drunk, the Chinese man went over and slapped Spellberg. Spellberg: Wha-Wha? Chinese Man: That was for my grandfather - drowned in the Titanic! Spellberg: But that was the iceberg! Chinese Man: Spellberg! Iceberg! All the same!! Funny? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Awesome Pants Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 Yes oh so funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Cheese Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 Hahaha, good one :) :)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Original Luna Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 Clever though!! Mod Edit: 4 or more words please. (Jeez! This wasn't picked up earlier?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted September 23, 2006 Share Posted September 23, 2006 Alright here's mine (it's probably not that good though since the original was kind of encouraging political hatred so I cleaned it up a bit) Two brothers, an old lady and a very pretty woman were in the same compartment on a train one day. The train went through a tunnel and, as everything went pitch black, a loud *SLAP* was heard. When the train came back out of the tunnel again, one of the brothers had a large red handmark on his face. Everyone was staring at the red mark on his face. The old lady thought, "He must have put his arm around the pretty woman and she slapped him" The pretty woman thought, "He must have been trying to put his arm around me but missed and got the old lady instead and she slapped him" The brother who got slapped thought, "My brother must have put his arm around the pretty woman and she went to slap him but got me instead" The other brother thought, "Oh I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that idiot again!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lutarist Jake Posted September 25, 2006 Author Share Posted September 25, 2006 HeeHee! That's a good one! Yes!!! Your's is better than mine!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dailyneogirl_ Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 LOL! Thats a good one, where'd you get that? (or you made it up?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 It made the rounds on bebo a few times during the summer but like I said I cleaned it up a bit 0:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Original Luna Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 That's really funny.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 thanks! dunno why I'm saying that since I didn't even make it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragonyoko Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I have one...and its clean too. :) I didn't make it up though, so no credit to me. The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't get it :* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloudedsunny Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 hehehehe that was the best one! The first one was kinda iffy racially, but had a good punchline...but it's Spielberg!!!!! Have to get the spelling right for me Ms Grammar Queen lol the second one was pretty funny too so here's mine...it's VERY dirty but not how you think :P What's brown and sticky? A STICK!!!!!!!!!! Geez what were you thinking?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike. Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't get it :* It is just meant to be ironic. :laughingsmiley: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy! Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Ok, I have one. Once a very rich man got a huge pond and filled it with many fearsome beasts. Alligators, crocodoles, pirhannas, and many others. So he held a huge party to celebrate his pond. He said to the crowd, "Anybody to jump in and swin across this lake will get $10,000." And the crowd looked as if they thought it was tempting, but not worth the risk. Suddenly, a man jumped into the pond and swam his way across as fast as he could. He almost lost his life in several locations, but managed to get across to the other bank and jump out of the pond. He sat down, exhauted, as the rich man went to greet him. "Here's your $10,000, and is there anything I can do for you?" asked the excited man. "Yeah," said the very wet swimmer, "let me go and kill that guy that pushed me in!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 ahahahahahaha!!!!! that one with the pond is classic!!!! :laughingsmiley: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronnie... Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 lol, that was so funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Nova ROX Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 I have one! It's a blonde joke and not ment to be insulting. (I'm a blonde anyway!) Four Blondes and a Brunette all lived in the same two-story house. One day, the blondes started a fire in the downstairs kitchen. The door was blocked so they all went up to the roof. A helicopter came to get from the roof. They were hanging on a rope attached to the helicopter when it started to sink. The pilot stuck his head out the window and said, "One of you in gonna' haf to jump, or we're all gonna' die!" The blondes all refused and the Brunette volunteered to jump. After she was finished, the Blondes all started clapping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 hehehe that one's funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancreatic dragon Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman I like this one. 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The Nova ROX Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 Wow. That was funny. Why didn't the guy just throw the soaps away? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 that was good. At the start I didn't think it was going anywhere but the end was funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancreatic dragon Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 Its Soapalicious ^_^ That it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleiati Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 I have one! Its one that I learned a long time ago... its dirty though! three explorers found an un-charted island and decided to explore. During thier exploration, they found a tribe living there. The chief said: "If you want to live. Bring back 10 of the same fruits." The first guy brought back 10 oranges. "Shove them up your butt and I will spare you. If you do not, I will execute you." So the guy starts shoving the oranges in. 1....2... and then.. "UGH... I cant do it!!" he yells. The chief executes him. The second guy brought back 10 berries. "Shove them up your butt." The chief comanded. So he began shoving them in... 1...2..3.4.5.6.789.. then he looks over the Chief's shoulders and starts laughing hystericly. The Chief thinks hes laughing at him so he killed him. IN HEAVEN Guy 1: Why did you stop? you were sooooooo close! you could have been rich! Guy 2: I couldnt help it! i saw the third guy comming back with PINAPPLES!! NEXT one: Its a blonde joke... sry to the blondes! I mean no offence to any of you. A very poor blonde was looking for work. So she walks in the streets and sees a well funished house that had a sign that said 'Help wanted'. So she walkes into the Porch and knocks on the door. A man answers. Man: hello? can I help you? Blonde: yes.. I saw that you needed help? can I help with anything? Man: yes of course! can you paint my porch? theres some paint at the back. Blonde: oh sure! how much? Man: hows a big 40$? Blonde: that sounds great thannks! After the blonde leaves, the man talks to his wife. Wife: does that lady know what shes doing? Man: of course. She was standing on the Porch anyways. Later on, the blonde comes back inside the house. Blonde: hello? Im done painting your porch! Man: excellent! Blonde: by the way, there was extra paint so I did two coatings. Man: thanks. heres 40$. Blonde oh thats very nice! The Blonde accepts the money before heading out the front door. at the door she turns around and says "by the way, thats not a Porche silly, thats a Ferarri!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinn7 Posted December 24, 2006 Share Posted December 24, 2006 hehehe they're good! I can't stop laughing at the 1st one lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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