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Sciurus carolinensis

Bad Start to the Year

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My Grandpa is going into hospice care. He lives on the other side of the country, so my mom can't be there for him. She is, understandably, taking it hard. I was feeling guilty about how well I was taking the news yesterday. However, it turns out that I was only internalizing it. Should have expected that, I'm on the autism spectrum so that's my usual pattern with grief. I had the worst insomnia I've had in years last night. I got to sleep about 5AM. Good thing it's Sunday. I just started a new job taking care of kids, so I'd better sleep tonight. At least I'm still training, so I won't be alone at any point. 

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Being around kids can be super healing, in my experience. They pick up on things really easily, sadness especially, and won't know how to offer condolences, but they're in the moment with you completely so you're not alone.

I have OCD and grief frazzles/inflames that. I don't always want to or have the energy to address negative feelings, but find there's a compromise between suppressing and losing it when I'm kind of just a kid with myself. They're just there with you, even whilst they're gleefully making a huge mess just for you. I don't know, maybe that makes no sense lol. I just keep my own thoughts company.

And then I play whatever pops up on Youtube when you search "magical library raining ambience" to help me fall asleep or take a sleep vitamin because when I'm sleep deprived... ( ˇ෴ˇ)>⌐■-■

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